|Everything's great at Morningside, nothing to see here!|
Morningside Fat Man Zach Drew has the announcing duties and seems to be loving every minute of it. Jim's probably paying him some sort of stipend nowadays, maybe $50 a gig. That's about as good as it's ever gonna get for ol' Zach. If you're reading this Zach, heed my advice: If you ever plan on asking for a raise, first make sure to ask your mom if your bedroom is still available back home. Bakker is liable to can you like he cans everyone else.
|Would Jesus sell trampolines, Jim?|
|The World's Oldest Living Dinosaur, Sen Julian Carroll|
In trying to lend more importance to the man, Jim continues to call him Governor and the old geezer just eats it up. Carroll was actually a guest later in the week and, at 80 years old, he's a real snoozer. He commented that, as a lawyer, he doesn't think Bakker should have ever gone to jail. How about as a human being, Senator? He also stated that Bakker has been fully restored as a Christian. But why would he need to be restored if he did nothing wrong? Why are you even appearing on the show, don't you have work to do in Kentucky? Or do you consider it work when you pander to the boneheads in your district who also, coincidentally, watch the Jim Bakker Show? You are a morality three-striker, Senator Carroll. Politican - strike one. Lawyer - strike two. Appearing on The Jim Bakker Show - strike three. Now go back to Kern-tucky and ask yourself, "Is it right for Jim Bakker to fake cry on tv?".
|'Hello and welcome. I'll be your bullshit artist this evening.'|
Jim's still bouncing away with Mondo, giving everyone health tips which also happen to coincide with what he's selling. Today it's the goofy trampolines, tomorrow it sounds like it'll be water filters. Jim tells us how important water is for our health, a piece of advice which we can all file away in our 'Yea, No Shit' category. Keep in mind that 'water' does not equal 'filtered water'. Jim doesn't want us to think that though, he wants us to think that the only healthy water is that which comes trickling through his overpriced Seychelle water filters. Mondo shows us his big brain as he slaps some random words together to explain why water is important for our health:
"They have proven that dehydration is one of the causes of symptoms going bad in your system."
|Jim let Mondo speak. Mondo failed.|
Jim continues his trampoline push by telling us that some people in wheelchairs actually "drive up" to the thing and put their feet on it. And what do they do next Jim, just sit there with their feet all cockeyed on the trampoline? Are you out of your mind, Jim Bakker?
Pastor Jim tells us that he only has 1100 more trampolines left to sell before they're all gone. Pastor Jim then tells us that the same model online costs a jaw-dropping $400. That's strange, Jim, because I see the Rebounder online for $88 with free shipping. There it is, la-dee-dah, eighty-eight bucks. Ahh, maybe it's an honest mistake...Pastor Bakker would never lie to us, would he?
|Jim Bakker on trampoline, mid-bounce|
We see Lori for the first time, and her mouth looks strange when she speaks. I don't know if it's the lipstick or she had lip injections or what, but something strange is going on in or around her mouth. Did she have her teeth filed down? She's hawking bonus hand-crank flashlights which Bakker is throwing in with the stupid trampoline. Once again Jim quotes an obnoxious value for the flashlights, $20 a pop. I found them online in about two seconds for four bucks. Pastor Bakker, this is the second time you've been wrong. I'm beginning to think that you're lying to us.
|Lori got in on the sales frenzy|
Bakker's not done with his sales-pitch. Now he's throwing in watches with the Rebounder. I watch as the on-screen graphic font size shrinks. First it was just Rebounder in large letters. Then the text shrinks as it becomes Rebounder plus bonus Flashlights. Now it's Rebounder plus bonus Flashlights & Watches. The only thing that hasn't shrunk is the price. I wonder how much the shipping charge has increased now with all the extra crap Jim's throwing in?
|We got a closeup of Bakker's tiny feet. Are those kid shoes?|
As the camera pulls away, I get my first glimpse of the new band. The bass player is the only familiar face. The drummer, guitarist and female keyboardist are all new. The guitar player looks like a serial killer. He must wear gloves before chopping people up because he has the smoothest hands I've ever seen on a man. On closeup, his strum hand looks like a prosthesis. I bet this guy drives a van, and I'll bet that van has no windows.
|Don't get too comfortable in that seat, Chubs.|
Bakker crows like a rooster after the song finishes, then he explains the band to us. Except for the bassist and keyboardist, they've all come from churches in neighboring towns. That's good news, at least these guys won't have their lives completely disrupted when Bakker goes on another firing frenzy.
Jim gives us an update on his never-ending Morningside construction efforts. He said the bathhouse is going up now, and the tar trucks have arrived for the road. They roll a clip of the construction crew working on his road and Jim crows again, this time with such emphasis that the goozle inside his throat rattles.
|"Hey, wanna check out my cool van?|
Jim finally gets to fake Dr Vomit. Larry opens up by describing how valleys are formed. This guy fancies himself an expert on everything, but the only thing I know him to be an expert at is ripping people off. As noted earlier, the guy runs a business that sells gold and silver coins to people who are scared shitless by people like Bakker who constantly talk about the world ending. Actually, 'sell' is not the proper word here as it would imply that people would receive something for their money. Larry Bates just takes their money and hopes they're old enough to forget about it.
|Five abortions. Zero children.|
All this valley talk causes Jim to takes the spotlight away from Bates for awhile and give us a sad prison story. He says the government shafted his appeal and made him wait another two years before finally letting him out of prison. He makes no mention of the government still requiring him to pay his taxes to the IRS. That's because Jim still owes those taxes. It's kinda how you and I owe taxes...except we pay them and Jim doesn't.
|Is that a prosthetic hand?|
|Larry ain't getting no Ladies with that mug|
Both Larry Bates love-craft's take off together, and now we're soaring in the clouds. Dr Vomit tells us, first off, that he would have Gloria Elliot sing a Christian song at his inauguration. Gloria Elliot is a mannish woman who appears on Bakker's show periodically to play her lounge act and collect a paycheck. She's there now, seated at a table, and laughs. Having successfully misidentified himself to viewers as a dyed-in-the-wool Christian, Dr Vomit now has the keys to the storehouse. President Bates cites some scripture for good measure.
|Bakker fake cried a little while reminiscing about prison sex|
|Larry's big belly extends down to his nuts|
President Bates tells us that the people are looking for someone with leadership skills, and once they find a leader they will follow. Sorry, Larry, I'm not following a guy that I can condescendingly pat on top of the head like the old man from Benny Hill. I'm not following a guy whose belly extends down to his balls. It's un-Presidential.
|These old inbreds will never see Nov 6, 2012.|
President Bates tells us that we could parachute him blindfolded into any country in the world, leave him 'on the ground' for a week, and he can then tell us the health of the economy. You're so full of it, Larry Bates. You know what I'd like to see? I'd like to see you parachute off a plane and land right in my toilet so I could flush you down into the sewer where you belong. Maybe you'll find some of those silver coins you never delivered to the inbreds who gave you all their money.
|These inbreds will mis-vote on Nov 6, 2012.|
[Teacher Ms Patty] Hey Marge, there's fat Larry Bates coming out of the school bathroom with toilet paper on his shoe. Geez, I don't know what it is about that kid that makes me want to strangle him at recess and stuff him in the planters?
[Teacher Ms Marge] I know what you mean Patty, this kid's a total mess. Obnoxious too. Hey...I'm gonna go over and fart next to him and tell the kids it was him.
[Ms Patty] Yeah yeah, go do it. I really don't like that kid.
[Ms Marge, farting] Mr Bates, excuse you!?
[Kids pointing] Haha, Larry farted! Larry's a stinker! P.U. on Larry, hahaha!
|This inbred will attend a lynching on Nov 6, 2012.|
So now, you imagine yourself as the President. You imagine yourself parachuting into other countries. You are an imaginary Jack Bauer, himself merely an imaginary character. Well, let me give you some reality, Jack: You're still short, still fat, and still ugly. The only difference is that now you're a willful adult who chooses to dupe people into giving you their money. You couldn't help how you looked as a child, none of us can. But rather than grow up and into a nice honest adult, you've decided to live your life like a rat. Your childhood humiliations, which probably included repeated dunkings in the high school toilet, scarred your sense of self-worth so much that you have to give a little something back. Or, rather, take everything you can get. Pay them all back through lies, deception, and cons. Why should fat Larry care about other people when they never cared about him?
|"I ever tell ya about the time I took out Hitler?"|
It's funny when Jim asks this guy questions because they're obviously all scripted. Jim stutters and stammers his way through the words as he sets Bates up to answer the pre-written questions in a way that will increase book sales:
Jim Bakker: Money given to the bank...world...I read that a big percentage of it went to overseas banks. Is that true?
Jim Bakker: Will the world eco-no-mic collapse if we continue this road?
Jim Bakker: Are you saying our elected officials don't have control?
|Bakker legacy photo: Jim, a foodbucket, and Dr Larry Bates.|
|This inbred thinks Larry Bates is actually the President|
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