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Sunday, October 16, 2011

Bakker on trampoline; Dr Larry Bates as POTUS

Everything's great at Morningside, nothing to see here!
We begin with the Jim Bakker Show theme, which has been infused with heavier drums and guitars. Over the past couple of weeks, Jim got rid of everyone in the Morningside Band and replaced them with new people. The pea-brained piano player from Possum Trot, Kentucky, is now gone. Where did he go? I imagine the only answer to that is, 'Possum Trot, Kentucky'...I mean, where else could he go but back home to Ma? Now we have fresh faces in the band, but don't get too used to them...they'll be gone in a few months too.

Morningside Fat Man Zach Drew has the announcing duties and seems to be loving every minute of it. Jim's probably paying him some sort of stipend nowadays, maybe $50 a gig. That's about as good as it's ever gonna get for ol' Zach. If you're reading this Zach, heed my advice: If you ever plan on asking for a raise, first make sure to ask your mom if your bedroom is still available back home. Bakker is liable to can you like he cans everyone else.

Would Jesus sell trampolines, Jim?
Jim and Lori are announced, but Jim is missing from his usual spot on the couch with Lori. Instead, he's bouncing around like a buffoon on a Rebounder trampoline. The last time I saw the Rebounder was a year ago when Jim had the whole cast mounted on them. He made poor Kevin get on one too, but Shorey didn't bounce. His hefty body just sort of stretched the elastic down to the ground. I think Kevin put a 'no-trampolines' clause in his current contract with Jim, because now Bakker has Mongrel De La Vega playing the fool with him. Jim must have gotten another killer deal on them, because he's back to selling them for $100 a pop (plus shipping). If you absolutely must have one of these contraptions, do yourself a favor and shop online for cheaper. Just don't blame me when you break your neck on the thing.

The World's Oldest Living Dinosaur, Sen Julian Carroll
Bakker identifies a VIP in his crowd, some old dinosaur named Julian Carroll. Apparently this guy was the former governor of Kentucky, the state responsible for spawning hack musicians like the one Jim just fired. Now the Carroll-saurus is a Kentucky state senator. I wonder if Possum Trot falls within his district?

In trying to lend more importance to the man, Jim continues to call him Governor and the old geezer just eats it up. Carroll was actually a guest later in the week and, at 80 years old, he's a real snoozer. He commented that, as a lawyer, he doesn't think Bakker should have ever gone to jail. How about as a human being, Senator? He also stated that Bakker has been fully restored as a Christian. But why would he need to be restored if he did nothing wrong? Why are you even appearing on the show, don't you have work to do in Kentucky? Or do you consider it work when you pander to the boneheads in your district who also, coincidentally, watch the Jim Bakker Show? You are a morality three-striker, Senator Carroll. Politican - strike one. Lawyer - strike two. Appearing on The Jim Bakker Show - strike three. Now go back to Kern-tucky and ask yourself, "Is it right for Jim Bakker to fake cry on tv?".

'Hello and welcome. I'll be your bullshit artist this evening.'
The real guest for today is fake Dr Larry Bates....the same Dr Larry Bates exposed by a local Memphis tv news station for ripping people off. The same Larry Bates whose business, FAMC, was given an F rating by the Better Business Bureau. Get your barf bags ready because this guy's gonna make you want to vomit.

Jim's still bouncing away with Mondo, giving everyone health tips which also happen to coincide with what he's selling. Today it's the goofy trampolines, tomorrow it sounds like it'll be water filters. Jim tells us how important water is for our health, a piece of advice which we can all file away in our 'Yea, No Shit' category. Keep in mind that 'water' does not equal 'filtered water'. Jim doesn't want us to think that though, he wants us to think that the only healthy water is that which comes trickling through his overpriced Seychelle water filters. Mondo shows us his big brain as he slaps some random words together to explain why water is important for our health:
"They have proven that dehydration is one of the causes of symptoms going bad in your system."

Jim let Mondo speak. Mondo failed.
Thanks Mongrel, I'll try and remember that even though I don't know what the hell you're saying.Crack a book open some day, it'll help you 'talk'.

Jim continues his trampoline push by telling us that some people in wheelchairs actually "drive up" to the thing and put their feet on it. And what do they do next Jim, just sit there with their feet all cockeyed on the trampoline? Are you out of your mind, Jim Bakker?

Pastor Jim tells us that he only has 1100 more trampolines left to sell before they're all gone. Pastor Jim then tells us that the same model online costs a jaw-dropping $400. That's strange, Jim, because I see the Rebounder online for $88 with free shipping. There it is, la-dee-dah, eighty-eight bucks. Ahh, maybe it's an honest mistake...Pastor Bakker would never lie to us, would he?

Jim Bakker on trampoline, mid-bounce
Once more, Bakker tells us that there's only 1100 left and reminds us that they might be gone in one day, remarking that "believe me, we have more orders than that many days". Wow Jim, what'cha doin' with all that money?

We see Lori for the first time, and her mouth looks strange when she speaks. I don't know if it's the lipstick or she had lip injections or what, but something strange is going on in or around her mouth. Did she have her teeth filed down? She's hawking bonus hand-crank flashlights which Bakker is throwing in with the stupid trampoline. Once again Jim quotes an obnoxious value for the flashlights, $20 a pop. I found them online in about two seconds for four bucks. Pastor Bakker, this is the second time you've been wrong. I'm beginning to think that you're lying to us.

Lori got in on the sales frenzy
From his sales battle-station on the Rebounder, Jim begins heaping praise on fake Dr Larry Bates. Dr Shitface offers no reaction at all to this praise, he just sits there blinking which in my book is arrogance-squared. Argh, don't get me started on this guy.

Bakker's not done with his sales-pitch. Now he's throwing in watches with the Rebounder. I watch as the on-screen graphic font size shrinks. First it was just Rebounder in large letters. Then the text shrinks as it becomes Rebounder plus bonus Flashlights. Now it's Rebounder plus bonus Flashlights & Watches. The only thing that hasn't shrunk is the price. I wonder how much the shipping charge has increased now with all the extra crap Jim's throwing in?

We got a closeup of Bakker's tiny feet. Are those kid shoes?
Jim finally wraps up his big sales pitch, and now we're going to be treated to a song from the [new] Morningside house band. We get our first up-close view of the band's leader, and yes, he's fat. He also looks fairly young and vibrant, which disappoints me. What are you doing at Morningside, Chubs? Go out and live in the real world, find a real church. Morningside serves only as a sham tax-haven for Jim Bakker to make a living taking advantage of stupid people. Don't be one.

As the camera pulls away, I get my first glimpse of the new band. The bass player is the only familiar face. The drummer, guitarist and female keyboardist are all new. The guitar player looks like a serial killer. He must wear gloves before chopping people up because he has the smoothest hands I've ever seen on a man. On closeup, his strum hand looks like a prosthesis. I bet this guy drives a van, and I'll bet that van has no windows.

Don't get too comfortable in that seat, Chubs.
I gotta say though, the band is pretty good by Bakker Show standards. Chubertini has some singing chops and everything is in time and tune. Kevin Shorey, consider this a warning shot fired across your enormous bow. KERSPLASH!

Bakker crows like a rooster after the song finishes, then he explains the band to us. Except for the bassist and keyboardist, they've all come from churches in neighboring towns. That's good news, at least these guys won't have their lives completely disrupted when Bakker goes on another firing frenzy.

Jim gives us an update on his never-ending Morningside construction efforts. He said the bathhouse is going up now, and the tar trucks have arrived for the road. They roll a clip of the construction crew working on his road and Jim crows again, this time with such emphasis that the goozle inside his throat rattles.

"Hey, wanna check out my cool van?
We get a two-minute brainless interlude while Lori rambles about living the mountaintops and valleys of life. This woman had five abortions. Needless to say, once armed with that spicy little tidbit of information about her, it's hard to actually hear anything she has to say. All I hear repeated over and over in my mind is, 'abortion...abortion...abortion'.

Jim finally gets to fake Dr Vomit. Larry opens up by describing how valleys are formed. This guy fancies himself an expert on everything, but the only thing I know him to be an expert at is ripping people off. As noted earlier, the guy runs a business that sells gold and silver coins to people who are scared shitless by people like Bakker who constantly talk about the world ending. Actually, 'sell' is not the proper word here as it would imply that people would receive something for their money. Larry Bates just takes their money and hopes they're old enough to forget about it.

Five abortions. Zero children.
Do ya remember when Bakker said the nation's corn crop was going to run out in August? Jim cited an 'expert' at the time, and that expert was fake Dr Larry Bates. Larry didn't deliver then either, but he's still talking about our vanishing corn crop. Well guess what I'm eating tonight, Larry? Corn. Had it yesterday too.

All this valley talk causes Jim to takes the spotlight away from Bates for awhile and give us a sad prison story. He says the government shafted his appeal and made him wait another two years before finally letting him out of prison. He makes no mention of the government still requiring him to pay his taxes to the IRS. That's because Jim still owes those taxes. It's kinda how you and I owe taxes...except we pay them and Jim doesn't.

Is that a prosthetic hand?
Jim's done with his sad story and gets back to Dr Vomit. He tells Bates, "Let's talk about the economy before we get to the 'What would you do if you were President'". As I said, Larry Bates thinks he's an expert at all things. Economic genius? Check. President of the United States? Check. You name it and Larry Bates has done it or knows how to do it. In his own delusional mind, and in the tiny minds of inbreds, he's a superhero. To everyone else, he's a con man. Right now, on my tv, his fat belly is bleeding down below his beltline to a spot directly above his wiener. Not very presidential, Larry.

Larry ain't getting no Ladies with that mug
Lori interrupts Jim right when he's cleared for takeoff on his Larry Bates love-jet, and Bakker doesn't look happy. Jim snorts a few times while Lori taxis her own Larry Bates love-liner onto the runway. She's reading a list of the fake doctor's accomplishments. All the while, Larry sits there twitching his nose, biting his lip and looking extremely smug. Actually he doesn't really have any lips as they just sort of blend into one big flesh-colored mass of face. He has pock marks and wrinkles everywhere, with a couple colorless moles thrown in for good measure. There's no chance in hell that this guy shaves with a razor.

Both Larry Bates love-craft's take off together, and now we're soaring in the clouds. Dr Vomit tells us, first off, that he would have Gloria Elliot sing a Christian song at his inauguration. Gloria Elliot is a mannish woman who appears on Bakker's show periodically to play her lounge act and collect a paycheck. She's there now, seated at a table, and laughs. Having successfully misidentified himself to viewers as a dyed-in-the-wool Christian, Dr Vomit now has the keys to the storehouse. President Bates cites some scripture for good measure.

Bakker fake cried a little while reminiscing about prison sex
President Larry Bates wants to lead the nation into prayer and repentance. He wants to tell the EPA to get in their offices and hide, because "we're gonna start drilling." Goodbye, national parks. Hello, oil wells. A smattering of applause which dies down quickly because President Larry is still giving his stump speech. President Bates has enthralled two zombies in the crowd who appear on camera; they'll either die before election day or end up voting wrong anyways due to ballot confusion. President Dr Larry Bates tells us that he will enact a 10-yr moratorium on all regulatory agencies, or at least issue an executive order during his four-year term enacting a moratorium on any new regulations. Okay, now I'm the president too, and I'd like to issue an executive order enacting Pocker Colonies for people with faces containing more than 25% acne scarring, and I'm exempting everyone except con men with no integrity. I'm issuing another order for Frogger Colonies, and I'm looking right at you, Jim. This guy is such a load.

Larry's big belly extends down to his nuts
Bakker and Bates continue floating amongst the clouds. According to Jim, Bates predicted the 2008 US market collapse in 1994. That's fourteen long years before this supposed prediction came true...shouldn't there be an expiration date on predictions? How about a prediction from 1984, or 1844?  Here's a prediction for you Jim: You and Larry Bates will both go to prison at some time in the next ten years. Write that one down in your logbook.

President Bates tells us that the people are looking for someone with leadership skills, and once they find a leader they will follow. Sorry, Larry, I'm not following a guy that I can condescendingly pat on top of the head like the old man from Benny Hill. I'm not following a guy whose belly extends down to his balls. It's un-Presidential.

These old inbreds will never see Nov 6, 2012.
President Bates gives us some talk about One World Government conspiracy theory, complete with an AntiChrist System, whatever that is. He tells us that he had dinner the other night with Congressman Spencer Bachus who sits as Chairman of the House Financial Services Committee. I don't care much about politics and don't know or care who this guy is, but if he's eating dinner with the fake Dr Larry Bates, you better watch out for him. Does he have his fingers in Larry Bates' dirty gold and silver scam too?

President Bates tells us that we could parachute him blindfolded into any country in the world, leave him 'on the ground' for a week, and he can then tell us the health of the economy. You're so full of it, Larry Bates. You know what I'd like to see? I'd like to see you parachute off a plane and land right in my toilet so I could flush you down into the sewer where you belong. Maybe you'll find some of those silver coins you never delivered to the inbreds who gave you all their money.

These inbreds will mis-vote on Nov 6, 2012.
The fake Dr Bates tells us that we have too much political correctness in society and that we need to do away with it. I'm all for it Larry. In fact, let me tell you something that isn't politically correct: You're an asshole. You're a liar and a con man, and I don't believe that you are a doctor. I don't believe you really served as a house representative in Tennessee. I don't even believe your real name is Larry Bates, you fat little twerp. In your own mind, you are god. You imagine that you can jump from airplanes, serve as president of the United States, and Lord knows what else. You are your own yes man, probably a psychological defense mechanism learned as a child when you were picked on by other children. You were probably picked on by adults, too:
[Teacher Ms Patty] Hey Marge, there's fat Larry Bates coming out of the school bathroom with toilet paper on his shoe. Geez, I don't know what it is about that kid that makes me want to strangle him at recess and stuff him in the planters?
[Teacher Ms Marge] I know what you mean Patty, this kid's a total mess. Obnoxious too. Hey...I'm gonna go over and fart next to him and tell the kids it was him.
[Ms Patty] Yeah yeah, go do it. I really don't like that kid.
[Ms Marge, farting] Mr Bates, excuse you!?
[Kids pointing] Haha, Larry farted! Larry's a stinker! P.U. on Larry, hahaha!
This inbred will attend a lynching on Nov 6, 2012.
Things didn't improve in high school, I'm sure of it. Your ugly pock-marked face turned even the most compassionate of women away, and I'm sure more than one pet animal met its fate after encountering you in a rage after a day full of putdowns. Ever choke a cat, Larry?

So now, you imagine yourself as the President. You imagine yourself parachuting into other countries. You are an imaginary Jack Bauer, himself merely an imaginary character. Well, let me give you some reality, Jack: You're still short, still fat, and still ugly. The only difference is that now you're a willful adult who chooses to dupe people into giving you their money. You couldn't help how you looked as a child, none of us can. But rather than grow up and into a nice honest adult, you've decided to live your life like a rat. Your childhood humiliations, which probably included repeated dunkings in the high school toilet, scarred your sense of self-worth so much that you have to give a little something back. Or, rather, take everything you can get. Pay them all back through lies, deception, and cons. Why should fat Larry care about other people when they never cared about him?

"I ever tell ya about the time I took out Hitler?"
And now you sit on Jim Bakker's couch, making yourself nice and comfortable as you imagine yourself as the leading man. Bakker's an idiot. Lori's making eyes at you. Zach's a mark, gotta make sure to act friendly to him so he'll give you money for gold coins that you'll never send him. According to Larry Bates, there is simply nothing in this world that Larry Bates cannot do.

It's funny when Jim asks this guy questions because they're obviously all scripted. Jim stutters and stammers his way through the words as he sets Bates up to answer the pre-written questions in a way that will increase book sales:
Jim Bakker: Money given to the bank...world...I read that a big percentage of it went to overseas banks. Is that true?
Jim Bakker: Will the world eco-no-mic collapse if we continue this road?
Jim Bakker: Are you saying our elected officials don't have control?
Bakker legacy photo: Jim, a foodbucket, and Dr Larry Bates.
The camera pulls back to capture Jim and Larry together in-frame. There he is, a greasy ball of fat with eyes on top, a cretin that calls itself 'Larry'. How very Presidential he looks, with tie resting askew on his belly...not the belly in his shirt but the belly down in his pants. He sits next to Jailbird Jim Bakker, himself a man of ill-repute. Together, they are both attempting to convince us that the world will end soon, and with that end will come all of the revealed trials and tribulations. Yet they both have their cloven hooves outstretched, ready to take your money Worthless money, they say. Here, buy a trampoline and a watch, you're gonna need it. Silver and Gold, buy it up before it's too late! They're a true Dastardly Duo. Seated between them both, center frame, is a foodbucket. Perfect.

This inbred thinks Larry Bates is actually the President
Bakker wraps the show early and runs a ten-minute long commercial at the end to sell foodbuckets. The commercial contains sinister-sounding background music and features video and sound bites of Jim, Lori, and the various money-grubbing guests telling us that they need to buy food now. I find this very interesting, someone at Morningside is starting to figure out how to squeeze in as much sales time as possible. So Bakker is having his followers pay for airtime so he can play a commercial for his own products?
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