|Jim Bakker squealing like a pig after a successful 2011|
But before that new sales year begins, let's reflect back on the Jim Bakker Show in 2011 as we inaugurate the first ever Scammy Awards.
|Bakker's Mississippi 'fill bottle'|
The 2011 Scammy Award for Best Switcharoo goes to Jim Bakker for his stellar sales-work on the Mississippi River with Bishop Ron Webb. Bakker says he was on location in flood-ravaged areas to provide assistance to victims affected by the disaster. In reality, Bakker was on location so he could trick his viewers into thinking that he's a man of the people who works to help them improve their lives. If Bakker cared to help people, he wouldn't charge them hefty markups to buy his garbage products. He wouldn't insist on having cameras covering his every move. And, he wouldn't fill a water bottle with water taken from the Mississippi River, then switch it with a 'clean' bottle before drinking from it. A man of the people doesn't do that, but that's what Jim did.
|Bakker's Mississippi 'drink bottle'|
Biggest Waste of Inbred 'Dollurs'
|Jim Bakker dwarfed by a Foodbucket Pyramid|
|Jim Bakker sold the Golden Calf|
Because you know what Jesus really enjoys more than anything else? Some dumb inbred giving $10,000 to Jim Bakker for a graven image of Him. It's probably more ethical to simply burn the money to ashes than send it to The Snake. What on earth has Jim Bakker done to deserve that money, exactly? Are you rewarding him for breaking rocks on the prison work crew? You should be ashamed of yourself, whoever you are.
The Scammy for Biggest Waste of Inbred 'Dollurs' goes to Jim Bakker's Jesus statue. You're going to hell for that one, Jim.
Best Kiss (of a girl's hand who is not your daughter)
|Philip Cameron with his Moldovan Harem|
[Prosecutor] And what was Mr Cameron wearing at the time of the inappropriate behavior?
A sly-eyed Philip Cameron preparing to plant one
[Me] He was wearing a blue blazer with his shirt open at the collar. I remember it clearly because I thought to myself that it looked like he was dressed up for a date. Oh, he also wore a gold watch. Like I said, I thought he was on a date.
Cameron was making a big hoo-haw about this poor girl's fingers having been cut off in an accident, and how self-conscious it made her. He then proceeded to display her hand for the entire American television viewing public to see.
[Prosecutor] Did you think that was right?
You're an asshole, Philip Cameron
[Me] Showing this poor girl's hand to the camera? Hell no it wasn't right, she's self-conscious about it! How about we strip Cameron's fat ass naked and show off his little pecker to the camera? Let's find out what he's self-conscious about, then display it for the whole world to see.
|Your creepy actions do not go unnoticed, Flip.|
Philip Cameron then leans in and kisses this girl's hand. I think even Jim and Lori were shocked by the vulgarity of it. It was disgusting, it looked like he was proposing to her. Then he told us, with a smile, that kissing a woman's hand is the most tender thing you can do in Moldovan society. Dude, that's not a woman, that's a girl who is an orphan and is most definitely not your daughter! Why are you kissing her hand you friggin' weirdo?
[Prosecutor] How did that make you feel?
[Me] It made want to kick him in the nuts. From behind.
[Prosecutor] Do you see Mr Cameron in the courtroom today?
[Me, pointing] Yeah, he's that big fat slob sitting right there. The one with the molester stare.
Like the fox guarding the henhouse, Philip Cameron assures us that he's keeping an eye on his Moldovan orphans and keeping them out of trouble. But who's watching Philip Cameron?
Congratulations on your 2011 Scammy award, Philip Cameron. Stay outta trouble big guy.
Most Shocking Clothing Choice by a 71-year old man
|Jim Bakker preparing to sand off old paint|
|Is Jim pissing his pants?|
But nothing to date has beaten what was witnessed just this past week. For this year's Christmas Show, Jim apparently opened his present early and wore it to a taping to surprise everyone. I'm not sure that Jim opened the right gift though, because the jacket looks a little more like something one of his daughter's would have bought for their young Goth boyfriend than something Lori bought for old Gramps.
|Captain Corset arrives to save the day|
Because this coat is so grand, I don't think we'll ever see it worn again. It's his full Class A uniform, something worn mostly for parades and inspections. At year end, Jim has his own parade of sorts as he trots out all the people who worship and support him. And like any good Field Marshal, he inspects his paraded subjects for signs of disloyalty or protest, ferreting them out and sending them packing once another dumb schmuck becomes available for less.
For sheer rarity, Jim's Superhero jacket wins this year's Scammy for Most Eye-Catching Clothing Choice by Jim Bakker. Great choice Captain Corset, now go catch some criminals!
Biggest Crock of Shit
|"I ever tell you about the time I parachuted into 'Nam?"|
Best Phony Jim Bakker Prophecy
|Jim Bakker sowing fear|
|God's prophecy to Jim: "Jobs Died"|
|Jim Bakker peddles fear, worry, fright, and terror.|
|Food riots are coming in 2012, says Jim Bakker|
|'Be PREPARED! Buy my foodbuckets NOW!'|
Most Amusing Inbred
|Cross a beaver with the town drunk...|
|This woman is a disgrace to the human race.|
Bakker should just run an entire show profiling his inbreds, then declare to us, "If you look like, or want to look like, one of my fabulous specimens, order now!" It's almost a 'chicken or egg' question. Did Jim Bakker spawn all these animals, or did they spawn Jim?
|'I'ma get me summa that Jim Bakker stew...Whooo boy!'|
|"P.U.! You are a stinker!"|
Fattest Person on the Jim Bakker Show
|"Eating again, eh Shorey?"|
Stupidest Master's Media student
|"I'm Zach Drew, and I'm a fat loser now that I sell for Jim."|
*Disclaimer* If we find out that Sasha is pregnant before the year is up, this prize will default to her.
Most Headache-Inducing Musical Performance
|The Two-Headed Snake that is 'Paul Todd'|
|Non-artist's rendition of non-musician's music|
What surprises does Jim Bakker have in store for us in 2012? Which new natural disasters will he exploit to sell product? How many prophecies will fail? Will Jim downplay the phony, un-Christian end of the world prediction for Dec 21 2012, or will he mention it incessantly to bully his viewers into buying foodbuckets? Will Zach still be lounging around Morningside, or will he be cast aside like Trystan and everyone else before him? Will Kevin Shorey bulldoze his way into the 400lb realm?
Tune in to the Jim Bakker Show to find out!