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Thursday, June 23, 2011

Bakker being a wise-ass, Kevin Shorey returns

Bakker looks well-rested and very happy today
The Jim Bakker Show begins this morning with someone playing what I thought was 'Chopsticks' on the piano, but it's just a different take on the normal theme. Some new Master's Commission goober named Miles Richards is doing the opening announcements while also working the audio board. He flubs his lines when the camera hits him, but hearing the praise coming from Jim and Lori you'd think the kid was the next Rod Roddy. Speaking of Master's Commission, it's being called Master's Media now. Bakker probably figured he could make more money off it by not paying franchise fees and royalties.

Master's Commission goober
Seated onstage with Jim and Lori are Kevin Shorey, Mondo and Charlene Graham. Jim is sounding very upbeat today, he looks how I feel after a great night's sleep. He cracks a wise one right at the beginning of the show, Lori laughs and Jim shoots himself straight back into the couch with a big toothy smile. Wow, he really is happy, haven't seen this outta Jim for awhile. Maybe the Cameron Creepathon made more money than Jim expected? The Bakker Snake is feeling very comfortable in its scaly skin today, it'll be interesting to watch it slither.

Jim shoots himself back into the couch after cracking wise

The Crypt Keeper
Bakker chats a little with Lori and begins a sales-pitch for Master's Media graduation dvds, but before he can get deep into the pitch Lori makes a strange squirrel-like 'ak-ak' noise and Jim stops awkwardly; that part of the sales script must come later. Happy Jim cannot be dismayed today though, instead he pulls a little breakdance 'pop and lock' move to hand it over to Mondo (seated next to him). He says to Mondo, "Ask me about my shirt". Mondo asks him and now I understand Lori's squirrel-click noise. Bakker was supposed to make introductions first. Jim welcomes Mondo and then sings out a greeting to 'Mother Cha-aaar!', Lori's mother. Charlene Graham carries some weight around Morningside so it's important to acknowledge her: She is the registrant on record for all of Jim and Lori's 'non-profit organizations', or what you and I would call 'shams'. Kevin Shorey is also introduced to a big round of applause and cheers. Not sure if he's back for the long, heavy haul...we'll have to wait and see.

The American Parallelogram Flag
Bakker stands up to show everyone his 4th of July shirt: It's an ugly, scribbled American flag shirt made by his fattest daughter, Marisela. The stripes aren't of equal height, there are only 42 stars, and I don't even think it's a proper rectangle. It's more of a parallelogram. The thing is hideous, and they even had the nerve to replace one of the white stripes with The Jim Bakker Show 2011. Bakker makes a point to say, "I never put my name on buildings or anything", but explains that he has to put his name out there somehow so people can find he puts his name on the American flag??  He should be embarrassed to sell such a thing, not as a good salesman but as a good American. Jim Bakker, the soulless ghoul, again shows that he knows no shame.

4x might be a bit tight, how bout a 5x?
The shirt is available for $20 (plus shipping) in the following sizes:
  • small
  • medium
  • large
  • 1x,2x,3x,4x
4-friggin'-x? That's four times the size of a large human being. Is Bakker broadcasting to cattle farms across the country?

Now Bakker moves into his scare tactics but his tone is still oddly upbeat. I think we're in for another foodbucket push today. Jim cites a bunch of random 'bad news' and displays slides on the tv as he calls them out. How random is the 'bad news'? Here's a list:
  1. American Economy
  2. American Economy
  3. E. coli outbreak in Europe
  4. American Economy
  5. Israel skirmishes
  6. Japan - nuclear disaster
  7. 4.2 'temblor' hits St Louis
  8. Snow in Hawaii
  9. Volcano in Yellowstone
  10. Volcano in Yellowstone
"They finally told the truth about Japan"
When Jim mentions Japan, he adopts a sanctimonious tone as he snorts, "You know, they finally told the truth, by the way, about Japan." How about telling the truth about how much you're making on those foodbuckets Jim? Bakker then takes a real wise-ass approach to his disaster news for Hawaii: "By the way, summertime and it's snowing in Hawa-ii". This sarcastic Jim Bakker is almost likeable, except for the ripping-people-off-with-foodbuckets part.

Get your food while you still can
Bakker revisits the very frightening word that God gave him for June. Hide the kids and pull the shutters, because this is a very scary word: entombment. After Jim says the word, he stresses the rhyme under his breath, "jUNE enTOMBment". Hold on Bakker, is that really how you came up with that word? Come on man, be honest. Is the next one gonna be 'September Dismember'? For the record, Jim believes there will be mudslides entombing people all over the world in June. Let's all cross out the first three weeks of June since they have been mudslide-free. He has one more week left...anyone else think Jim Bakker is actually praying for mudslides?

An adult Shorey in full gallop
Oh boy, here we go as Bakker cuts to the chase. Food supplies are low, grab some foodbuckets while you still can. Jim adds an interesting twist: Bakker is being forced to raise prices soon because, naturally, food prices are going up. You are a slick one, Mr Bakker.

King Bakker taps his fat court jester for entertainment, he tells Kevin, "Sing a song...sing it just for me." Shorey peels himself out of his chair and quickly gallops across the stage to sing an uptempo rendition of Valleywalker. If you don't already know the song, it consists of 3-4 lines which repeat all the way through...good for the elderly audience to get a handle on. The house band is playing inside what looks to be a cabana. I notice that Shorey now gets his website listed for all of 3 seconds when he starts singing so that might be part of his deal now.
Kevin tearing into a song

Kevin finishes his song to a round of applause, then there's an awkward moment when he's trapped on the side of the stage as King Bakker and his Queen begin talking. Jim instructs him to just walk across, Lori tells him 'you know how we do it here', and Kevin sheepishly gets back in his seat while muttering 'sorry' on the mic. I can tell there are still some hurt feelings on that set...not for Jim, but for everyone else. The Bakker Snake doesn't have feelings.

Never touch Bakker when he's talking
Silver Sol brought me back from the grave!
As Lori interrupts Jim's happiness to hawk Silver Sol, you can see Bakker's demeanor instantly change from happy to angry. But Lori knows best, and Bakker is happy again when he enters his big Silver Sol pitch. This stuff cures everything under the sun, Lori says it helps her hot flashes and Jim says it cures his bad breath. Airhead Lori says it even 'works great on bruises'. Lori's mom, the Crypt Keeper, gets in on the Silver Sol sales-pitch too. I don't know what coffin they dug up to bring her out but the woman looks like a corpse. I imagine that Lori gave her directions to her plastic surgeon on Florida, but the Crypt Keeper took a wrong turn somewhere and wound up with an embalmer instead. She's trying to doll things up, but for who? Count Dracula? Enough already, you're old. Give it up. And stop trying to sell me on the $100 Silver Sol, it's quackery and you know it.

Bakker attempting to fly
Bakker spends a lot of time talking about Lori's House, his latest big money project. He says that the land has already been paid for and they're breaking ground now. When the Crypt Keeper holds up the deed to the Lori's House land, Jim gets real animated. As he cheers he flaps his arms around like a bird and punches Mondo on the shoulder. I bet this guy slept about 10 hours last night, straight through with no waking. Maybe he was constipated and he finally moved everything out. Whatever it was, I want some of it because he's on top of the world here. Bakker is popping himself off the couch, going 'Whoo!', and his voice is strong when he shouts instead of having that warbling quality. Whoa.....maybe it was the Silver Sol?

Jacket caught on chair
As we near the end of the show, Bakker hawks a couple of his books then taps Shorey once more for a song. Kevin makes the mistake of entering small-man's land: The assembled tables and chairs of the Morningside audience. Big Kevin has no business out there, the pathways are way to small for him to be lumbering about and I fear he's going to experience every fat man's worst nightmare: He'll get stuck between tables and have to ask someone to move their chairs for him.
Holy shit, I think I'm stuck!
He's out there singing and his 4x jacket is already laying over someone's chair. As he sings into a closeup, I catch his eyes dart back and forth as he scans for a suitably-sized route through the maze. Kevin and I both wipe our brows as he finds sweet freedom in a wide-open space near the back. This is Kevin Country, and it feels good.

Sweet Freedom!

Jim wraps up the show with one more push at the foodbuckets. He eyes his secret sales-notes on the table in front of him and claims that food is going to double in price so now is the time to get your overpriced slop bucket from him. Mondo gets in on the sleazy pitch and makes sure to remind us about the Silver Sol too.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Creepathon Day 6, Bakker fake cries

Jailbird Jim Bakker revving up his fake crying routine
Day 6 of the Philip Cameron Creepathon. I'm getting burned out now on Cameron, I think this is the next to last episode with him so thankfully he'll be off the Bakker show and back in Moldova soon...provided his passport hasn't been revoked with the stamp, "Sex Tourist".

Lori with morning-after bag
Kevin Shorey announcing again, Jim must have offered him some of this lucrative Stella's House / Lori's House money to come back for a few days. Everyone is upwardly mobile today, no chairs. Philip Cameron is all smiles, Lori is wearing a hip purse full of morning-after pills, and Jailbird Jim is wearing a hideous olive drab sweater with prison stripes. There's a quick verbal exchange of hellos, the audience applauds, then I notice that Bakker is acting strange. This is how he acts whenever he's building up to a fake cry. He turns slowly towards Cameron and begins, "Ya know....Philip...I'm gonna cry." When he says 'Philip', he says it with a sort of lilting accent as the name comes very quick off his forked tongue.

Philip Cameron - Big load
Jim continues building to the climax of his fake cry. He's grunting and revolving his fists in a circle like a 70s dance move. He composes himself enough to grab a check off the table next to him. Bakker gives a bullshit story about telling his accountant to make a check for $100,000 to give to Philip Cameron, with the accountant telling Bakker that there isn't enough money for the check. God instructs Jim to get the check anyways, 'do it ahead of time'. I see where this is going now...Bakker is going to guilt everyone into giving him money to backfill what he's already given to Cameron. I'll be damned if the guy isn't good.

Bakker fake crying - "You can order the car---pen----ters!"
Bakker announces the check, everyone cheers, and Cameron acts surprised the same way I would act surprised if Jim Bakker told me backstage, "Hey, we're surprising you with that check on camera so act surprised." Jim is finally ready to let loose with that fake crying he was building to, but he's interrupted by Cameron and Lori who keep talking on stage. Jim has to repeat the beginning of his cry line three times, nudging Lori to get her back on track. The fake cry hits it's peak when Jim tells Philip, "You can order the carpenters." The word 'carpenters' comes out in a noise that sounds like an old truck engine trying to turn over. As Cameron takes the baton from Bakker and starts speaking, Bakker barks an off-camera 'Now!' at him. All the while, those big black Bakker eyes are dry as a bone.

Now Boner Cameron is fake praying to the Lord over his $100k check. As he's speaking to God, Cameron slips in some peculiar references known only to Jim Bakker Show viewers:
Those who are part of the $1000 'I Care' family
Those who are giving Ezekiel Gifts of $10,000
That one person who can give the $350k for the next Stella's House
Philip Cameron fake praying to God
Why does Philip Cameron mention these Bakker-specific gifts? Because, in a word, he's a turd. Philip Cameron wants money to feed that big fat belly of his, then he'll give the scraps to his girls in Moldova. For less than a week's worth of Jim Bakker Show appearances, he just received a check for one hundred-thousand dollars...does the guy really need more?

Cameron firmly clenching $100k check with other hand
Back to Bakker. He's sniffling and talks about having to use a credit card to pay the bills eight years ago when he was penniless (who in their right mind gave Jim Bakker a line of credit?) Jim says it's a miracle that he was able to give Cameron the check. When we see Philip Cameron speaking on-camera again he's only waving one hand around as he speaks; the other hand is glued firmly to his side, clenching that check in case Bakker has second thoughts. Cameron praises Jim Bakker and tells us that Jim also does good works away from the camera. We then see a photo, taken by a camera, of sad-sack Bakker with his little carrot arms touching his grandson's forehead.

Bakker to grandson - "One day you too will be a sad-sack."
Bakker asks for a thousand people to give $1,000 today. The ambitious flavor of the request tells me that Jim is not penniless anymore, I wonder how much he pinches out of those checks. Cameron gives more details about the Moldovan sex-slave industry while he white-knuckles the pocketed $100k check. He starts to build up a little bit about the girls, his voice is getting stronger and building pitch. He speaks about mixed-race girls and states, "I've met some beautiful girls. They are premium for traffickers." We see images of the girls with a caption stating that they would make '$350k for their owners'. They may as well add another caption that says, "So why not give us the $350k instead?"

Slavemaster Jerry Crawford tabulating all the love-gifts
Jim has a Moldovan gov't document in his bony hands. He tries to explain what the hell the thing means but seems tongue-tied, so he brings in a couple of Cameron's Moldovan escorts to translate which only makes things more confusing for the audience. Cameron steps in and says something about the government giving him 25 year ownership rights or something, then tells Jim that he demanded one condition before starting Stella's House - That it be a Christian orphanage in the middle of communist Moldova. Now, call me crazy, but I don't think that's right. If he wants to help orphaned girls, then he should help orphaned girls. Instead he held his girls for ransom; if the Moldovan gov't would have denied his religious preference, he would have left those girls he pretends to care about to rot. He adds that he's growing 'Jesus People' from the age of 3, and we should be excited for the prospect. Again, not right. What ever happened to free will?

Bakker - "Hey Waterhead, zoom in next time I fake cry!"
Jim steps over to a gigantic picture of a baby and starts to fake cry a little more. He talks about saving people from abortion through Lori's House, and moves into a pitch for $1,000 I Care love gifts. He then physically points at one of Cameron's girls on-stage and tells everyone that "She's worth three-hundred fifty-thousand a year in the sex trade". Classy move Jim. More classiness outta Jim when he starts talking about Lori's abortions. He says Lori used to shake in bed at night thinking about her abortions. Sounds to me like she was shaking out a drug addiction, but Jim goes on talking about her abortions and becomes a fake crying wreck.This is killing me because the camera is not zooming in while he's fake crying. Bakker needs to finger wag whatever Master's Commisson oaf is on the camera. Zoom in next time, waterhead [Jim's word not mine].

Jim Bakker wears shoe lifts
As an aside, I remember Jim Bakker saying a couple years ago that he wanted to buy hi-def cameras. That is a love-gift that even I may support. I'm dying to see Jim Bakker in HD, especially when he's fake crying. Also, I noticed that Jim Bakker is wearing lifts on his shoes but the image I took doesn't do them justice because of the poor Jim Bakker Show video feed. I demand HD. Make it happen Jim, and put me down for a foodbucket in support.

Bakker -"The most gorgeous statue of Christ I've ever seen"
Bakker snaps out of his fake crying fit and starts talking statues. He shows a statue of Lenin in Moldova. Lori nearly overheats her brain when she mistakenly corrects Jim off-camera, "Stalin, right?". Then Jim moves to Jesus, or more correctly, a statue of Jesus. It a 12-foot behemoth that Jim says is already paid for, and it's residing smack dab in the middle of Grace Street. Jim calls it 'the most gorgeous statue of Christ I have ever seen', though I would replace the word 'gorgeous' with 'obnoxious'. Bakker, ever the salesmen, tells people that they will get their name on the base of the statue in exchange for their $1,000 love-gift.

"I owe how much to the IRS?"
Jim announces that he's sending Trystan and Zach to Moldova for a photo op. The two big'uns are ecstatic, probably because they get to see a part of the world not named Morningside. They won't be so ecstatic once they see the size of those plane seats.

Lori, Jim and Boner push hard near the end for more donations. The slimy Scotsman in particular pleads for people to give $10,000 to be part of the Ezekiel Club. He then painfully howls out a slow song, 'It Brings Me to Tears'. His voice cracks throughout.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Mondo de la Vega: When will he snap?

Mondo de la Vega - A ticking time bomb?
If you’re like me, you’re scared of Mondo. He’s the shady ex-con who has somehow made his way onto The Jim Bakker Show, and he now represents Jim’s foodbucket connection to the Latino market.

I first saw Mondo on The Jim Bakker Show a couple years ago when he was welcomed on as a friend of Jim’s. Mondo told some outlandish story about performing miracles over in Europe somewhere. I don’t remember all the specifics, but I do recall that Mondo claimed the television media were present to witness the spectacle and that he almost got into a fistfight with a bunch of European bikers at the end. (For the record, I can find no evidence of Miracle Mondo in any European media sources). The whole story was very strange, and frankly it only served to confirm (to me at least) that Mondo de la Vega is a lunatic, and a dangerous one at that.

When Mondo speaks, he is calculating and premeditated. Mondo shows no emotion, because Mondo feels no emotion. His cold, steely eyes remain expressionless as he speaks, and his demeanor never changes. I think Jim feels he can control Mondo by relating to him as a former prison inmate, but nobody controls Mondo but Mondo. Jim would have a better chance at taming a wild African lion than taming a wild Mondo de la Vega.

What’s most ironic (and scary) about Mondo-the-reformed-gangster is that I don't think he’s even reformed: his twitter account is @Mondo18st (as in 18th Street Gang). His life of crime is not in the rearview mirror, it’s riding shotgun down the boulevard with him. Or so it seems, why else would he still keep a connection to his 'old' gangster life? I hear Osama bin Laden is still alive but has renounced terrorism...follow his tweet @binLadenAlQaeda. See what I mean?

Now keep in mind that Mondo is married to a daughter of one of the Lennon Sisters. I cannot fathom how that marriage was ever allowed to proceed, but proceed it did. Mondo may have been a Latin novelty for them Ozark folks at first, but now he’s family. I can’t imagine anyone in that entire family is comfortable being alone with the guy...Hell, I’m hundreds of miles away in Orlando, Florida, and I’m not even comfortable watching him on tv. (Note: I’m not actually in Orlando, but I want to keep Mondo and any potential assassins off my tail.)

Mondo’s wife is probably a lovely girl, and since she’s not a willful part of The Jim Bakker Show I’ll let her be. But I fear for her safety because Mondo is a ticking time bomb. We’ve already seen Happy Mondo during weddings and baby births; that Mondo is an ice-cold, passionless sub-human. I wonder, does anyone know what Angry Mondo looks like?

Friday, June 10, 2011

Philip Cameron Creepathon continues, Day 3

Philip Cameron - Friend to children
Day 3 of the Creepathon. The show begins and it's Kevin Shorey announcing. I don't know what's going on with him; I have my ideas but I'll save them for later, for now I have a Philip Cameron Creepathon to cover.  The camera pans the crowd and stops to introduce the Morningside house band, a collection of cretins found only in the Ozarks or on The Jim Bakker Show (both of which are essentially the same thing).

The Morningside House Band
On stage it's immediately apparent that Lori is at the helm of today's disaster cruise. She's getting a lot of face time to start, and 2 minutes in she's already hawking Lori's House for a thousand bucks a pop. She talks about abortion, then talks some more about abortion, then mentions 'the mothers and fathers who are victims of abortion'. I'm not sure how that works exactly, but she's way out on a limb here and she's crawling further out on it. She states that 1-out-of-4 women will be victimized by abortion, and I can't help but think that the one woman abortion machine skewed that average since 'she had five of 'em'. Jim's words, not mine.

As Lori continues to ramble, we get a camera shot of Flip Cameron caressing his Moldovan girl's hand. If she were his wife, it would be sweet. She's not his wife, she's not even his's creepy.

Bakker is primed to explode
Lori's rambling is nearing the 8 minute mark, Bakker needs to step in with the big cane hook here and yank her off the stage. She's blabbering on and there's really no bang for the buck, time is money for Bakker and there are other big-ticket items Jim wants to sell besides Lori's abortion home. Sure enough, my inner thoughts are realized as we see Bakker with his head resting on his hand. The guy looks like he's about to burst. Lori's gonna get a good finger-wagging after the show from Pastor Jim Bakker.

The Moldovan Masturbator
Boner Cameron chimes in to save the day. He talks a little bit about Moldova and the girls, and mentions that when he first met these orphans they had 'big space alien heads'. When he stops talking he continues to stare at the camera, and the camera continues staring at him. Looks like we have ourselves a standoff, who will flinch first? As the camera stays locked on the slimy Scotsman, his spit-glued lips open partially at one side, delivering an audible smacking noise. Finally the camera pulls away and moves back to Lori for more yapping.

Sexed up Philip Cameron grunting
More creep from Cameron. He tells a story about forcing his in-house Moldovan girl (Dasha) to speak English to him. Late in the story he mentions the girl's frustration in trying to speak English, then he mimics her frustration by clenching his teeth and grunting for about 2 seconds. That's 2 seconds too long for me. This guy is way too sexed up. Remember what I told you earlier this week, stay tuned because it's gonna be creepy? Philip Cameron delivers, every time.

Flip Cameron segues from this story into a far-too-detailed understanding of the world of 'sex slaves', as he calls them. He's building into a sort of frenzy as he describes this underworld, and the creep factor is intensifying as he's giving long, wide-eyed looks into the camera. I'm beginning to think Bakker needs to step in and break this up before the guy explodes.

Philip Cameron in Moldova?
Cameron snaps out of his frenzy and turns to business. He states that his girl would make $350k as a slave and, voila, he needs that same amount to finish building his sex-slave castle in Moldova called 'Stella's House'. As he's making his money pitch, his voice gets this whiny, high-pitch quality to it, complete with the fake crying act. I think he's taking lessons from Bakker.

A close up of either Jesus or Cameron's nipple
We're back to Bakker now and he's making up for all the precious time lost to Lori's blathering. Bam, $10k to help build Boner Cameron's Moldovan orphan castle. Jim's giving us an ugly statue of Jesus for the money. The statue's pose matches my vision of what Philip Cameron would look like when he meets with his Moldovan girls; he's half-dressed with his arms splayed out to his sides. We even get a closeup shot of the statue's nipple...very classy. Bakker says that Kevin knows the sculptor, but he's corrected when Shorey tells him that the sculptor 'lived in the 1800s'. Jim mentions that the guy was 'non-Catholic' and Kevin agrees, so at least he was right about that one.

Trystan Eschete squealing
Lori mentions a beautiful song she's heard Cameron's Moldovan girls sing at the orphanage. Philip gets a smile on his face and points out that one of his other girls used to sing the song with her puppets. Suddenly, a loud shrill voice starts singing off-camera! It's Trystan Eschete, Master's Commission Sucker (2nd year). She's singing poorly and hits a flat note a few times. From the audience, a Morningside inbred gives a hoot in support of the flat. As she sings, she adds a pretentious affect to her voice that screams amateur. This girl has nothing on Kevin Shorey.

When Trystan finishes the Moldovan slave song, Cameron remarks to Jim creepily, "And when is she coming to Moldova?" Whoa, maybe a little love connection occuring here on The Jim Bakker Show?

Day 3 goes on and on, but I'll be damned if it isn't entertaining.

Cameron with potential child bride?
Gasbag Cameron mentiones that his girl Dasha 'turns into a nutcase for Jesus' at the orphanage. He goes off on a tangent about his girls meeting a Pakistani ambassador, 'a Mooslim' as Cameron calls him. Long story short, the Pakistani, his wife, and their assistant all end up in tears after meeting Cameron's 'nutcase for Jesus'. Yeah I bet he's in tears, he's probably horrified that these girls are being brainwashed by Cameron (or worse), and there's nothing he can do about it.

One of Cameron's Moldovan girls
The Creepathon turns its attention to the crack team they have answering the phones. Assembled are Trystan-of-bad-voice, Zach-of-bad-weight, and Sasha, another fat girl who has paid thousands of dollars to be part of the Master's Commission. Kevin Shorey is working the mic behind this gaggle. A proud Zach mentions a love-gift coming in from 'Red Cliff, Alabama'. Kevin quickly corrects him with a "That's Alberta..that's Canadian..Alberta." Bakker consoles Zach by telling him, "Don't worry about how you pronounce them!" Does Jim understand that the difference between Alabama and Alberta is not just pronunciation? They are two different words...hell they're in two different countries.

Trystan being seduced by Cameron
Now it's Trystan's turn to call out some love-gifts, but before she starts she's interrupted by Bakker heaping praise on her poor song performance. Of course, Boner Cameron weighs in by saying, "I love Trystan, she needs to come to Moldova in the next week." The guy is smitten. Trystan responds with a big round smile, and Jim tells her, "You gotta go work there for a month or so".  This elicits a response from Cameron, "A month or so? Oh come on...we'll steal her forever."

Trystan flanked by the Sea of Shorey
Jim continues gushing about Trystan. As the camera shows Trystan accepting praise, she's flanked by a mammoth Kevin Shorey. The guy's a friggin' bear. I thought that maybe these shows were older, but now I'm not sure. He's bigger than I've ever seen him. He's wearing a gigantic blue blazer that literally creates a sea of blue behind Trystan, and his body stretches from one end of my television to the other.

Does Philip Cameron have an erection?
We move away from the phone team and back to Jim, Lori and Boner. Bakker asks Cameron to sing. The guy gets up and as I expected he's a complete load. What I didn't expect was that he'd have an erection. Actually, I suppose I did expect it but didn't think I'd actually see it. But sure enough the guy is fumbling with his pants as he stands, and I spy something creeping around in his pants pocket. I present this evidence to you and I will let you decide.

Morningside pervert glued to camera
Jim and Boner are now standing around a blown-up picture of Lori with an orphan. Bakker starts telling sad orphan stories, then starts reminiscing about the old days with Cameron's parents. He's building up to a big push at the end of the show for money. Jim asks Cameron to dance a jig. They interlock arms, then we get a cut/edit to Jim Bakker Show archival footage from last year of Philip Cameron leading a song and dance routine on stage with his entire harem of Moldovan girls(it appears this was taken from last year's 4th of July festivities at Morningside). It's almost too much information for me to process. There's some weirdo in the crowd with his eyes glued to a video camera eyepiece, then we see Bakker-shill Dr Don Verhulst prancing around with a young boy, and there's a shot of a somewhat-dapper Jim Bakker cutting a rug, but the way he's jerking up and down reminds me of an 8-year old that's gonna pee his pants. It's just, I don't's the Ozarks. A good old-fashioned Ozark boot-burnin'.

Jim Bakker cuttin' a rug
Bakker wraps up by telling everyone, "I would mortgage everything I had" to help Cameron's girls. Cameron sings a song while the graphic on the screen scrolls through the $1000, $3500 and $10,000 love gifts. The show ends with a pre-recorded invitation from Lori to join them all at Morningside for this year's 4th of July festivities.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Philip Cameron Creepathon all week, plus a little Foodbucket Flashback

Hi kids! Want some ice cream?
Good news: Bakker is running a Philip Cameron Creepathon all week. If you've never seen Philip Cameron in action, you've got to check him out. He's a sleazy Scotsman that runs Stella's House, an all-girls orphanage in Moldova of all places.

If your pervert alarm is suddenly going off, it should. This guy was on the single creepiest episode of The Jim Bakker Show I've ever seen. I'd give 100 foodbuckets if I could find the episode again. On that episode, Cameron was there with one of his child brides while Jim was cooking up foodbucket slop. The whole crew (except Jim) was tasting the slop and giving it the thumbs-up, then they brought some over to Cameron and his girl to try. This guy spoons up some of the slop and spoon-feeds it to the Moldovan girl. As he's feeding her, his eyes are fixated on her mouth. Meanwhile, his own mouth is making little chewing movements. Keep in mind, this girl wasn't disabled and she wasn't a baby; she was perfectly capable of feeding herself. But there's this guy feeding her with a spoon and staring at her like a pervert. They coerced a barely audible 'tastes good' out of the girl and everyone laughed, except for Cameron who sort of nervously giggled. As I said, it was the single creepiest moment in Jim Bakker Show history.

Philip Cameron with future bride
And now Philip Cameron is back in a week-long Creepathon. Jim has run back-to-back repeats to start off the week, so hopefully he'll rerun the episode I'm talking about and you can witness it for yourself. I'm kind of hoping Bakker gets off his lazy ass and actually films a live show with Cameron though, that way I'll have something to recap. Either way, stay tuned.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Bakker on R&R, replaying bookselling episodes

Why on earth would anyone give this guy money?
It looks like Jim and Lori are taking an undeserved vacation for the rest of the week. The show has a completely different tone and flavor from the doom and gloom earlier in the week; I think they're repeating some shows taped prior to the great foodbucket push in May. I could be wrong, but that's certainly how it appears.

The show opens with Bakker welcoming on his guests,  Dr T. Colin Campbell and Dr Caldwell Esselstyn. One minute into the show and Jim's already hawking Campbell's book, 'The China Study'. He's been selling this book for a year now and the price has never decreased. It's $20 plus shipping from The Jim Bakker Show, even though it can be had for less than $10 online.

Kevin Shorey or Zach?
At the show's three-minute mark, Bakker moves into pushing a movie called Forks over Knives. We see some clips from the movie, including a graphic of what appears to be either Kevin Shorey or Big Zach. The movie, of course, can be purchased from Bakker.

After the movie preview, Lori tells people that they should take everyone they love to go see the movie. Then Jim begins asking Dr Esselstyn some softball questions. Dr Esselstyn clears his throat before speaking, then we see him swallow whatever it was that came up. Not a good start from this guy. Surprise surprise, he also has a book titled 'Prevent and Reverse Heart Disease'. Naturally, Jim is selling that book too. And naturally, it can be had for much cheaper online.

One minute in - Jim's already selling
These two doctors seem legitimate and their books get good reviews, so I've decided to give them an integrity-pass on this Jim Bakker Show appearance. I figure they are suspending their dislike for Jim Bakker to focus on getting their health information out to Bakker's viewers. But doctors, if you are reading this...don't make it a habit. Jim Bakker is not a good guy to be seen in public with.

Bakker talks a little prison, then moves into hawking both doctor's books for a discounted rate. The "Doctor's Special" as Jim calls it offers both books for a $35 love gift (plus shipping). I wonder, if Jim is interested in helping his viewers instead of making money, then why does he give a discount for buying both books together? Shouldn't he just sell each book separately for less?

Dr T. Colin Campbell's floppy tongue
Dr T. Colin Campbell is next up to answer Jim's softball questions. Dr Campbell is a little hard to watch because he keeps flopping his tongue out onto his lips. In the least surprising news of the day, Dr Campbell tells Jim and Lori that including a lot of vegetables in your diet is very healthy. Lori acts completely dumbfounded by this news. After licking his lips, Dr Campbell goes on to state that eating a lot of fast food is very unhealthy and can lead to diabetes and obesity. Again, Lori is dumbfounded.

Dr Campbell, again with the tongue
Jim references a study tying high religiosity to obesity. Jim makes no mention of the foodbucket slop he's been selling over the past year. All this health talk with the two doctors yet Bakker never once asks the question, "Are my foodbuckets healthy for people to eat?"

A Bakker zombie asks a question
The show wraps up with questions from the audience. We see a couple wrecks on the mic asking more softball questions. I swear these people look like zombies. Just before the show ends, one more big push by Bakker to buy the "Doctor's Special". Bakker even suggests that people buy a lot of the books and 'give them away to people like I do'. Does anyone outside Bakker's Morningside cult really believe he would give away something that he could resell for more than he bought it for?