|'I just made a million dollars last week selling space food!'|
Jim's wearing a motorcycle jacket that Lori must have ordered from her Macy's catalog. I'm certain that the catalog model looked nothing like Jim. The man Lori saw wearing that jacket was likely tall, dark and handsome, with a clear conscience and no criminal record. Contrast that with the stark reality of Jim Bakker: A short, ugly ex-con who wears shoe lifts and resembles a frog. A sexed-up frog of unknown sexual orientation, who likes to bang church secretaries and hang out in steam rooms with other men. The only thing Jim Bakker would've had in common with that catalog model are his big ol' capped teeth. Well, that and the jacket that they're now both wearing.
|Bakker fooling old people into thinking that this is his Star|
Jim starts off the marriage show talking about his big marketing trip to LA to hang with the Winans sisters while they received the star they paid for on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. If we had no audio and had to decipher the trip through the images Jim is flashing on-screen, we would think he's the one who received the star. There's Jim and Lori in front of 'their star' taking a photo. And there's Bakker, on-stage with BeBe Winans at a concert. At every opportunity, Bakker is cramming his ugly mug in with the Winans so he can gain access to their fans while also deceiving his own.
|Jim Bakker and the Winans Sisters|
|Someone gave Gary Smalley an honorary doctorate|
|Moose Bakker and her husband, Mr Bland|
|Mr Bland's nose is a perfect triangle|
[Detective] "Now sir, I want you to look at each person in the lineup and tell me who robbed you.
[Me] "Can you have them turn sideways please? I need to see them in profile."
[Detective instructs lineup to face left] "Okay sir, do you recogni..."
[Me] "Number three. That's him."
|Didn't I just eat her for Thanksgiving?|
The growing problem in this marriage is self-evident. It's Maricela's weight. I wonder if marriage expert fake Dr Gary Smalley will touch on this today?
|Gary...is that you?|
|Gary Smalley describing alien worlds|
It's funny to hear a guy with a fake doctorate give advice on marriage and relationships. He doesn't have a real degree, yet he decides to use the fake title to trick people into thinking he's qualified to counsel them. Shouldn't someone be counseling him on his need to deceive people through the use of fake titles?
[Fake Dr Gary Smalley] "So Ron, let's talk about you."
[Me] "No, Gary...Let's talk about you."
|A bloated Bakker Zombie imagines what marriage is like|
|Jim Bakker's cheatin' heart: 'They never let go of it!'|
"I know marriages that are hellish. And a man has made a mistake, 50 years ago, 20 years ago, 10 years ago. And every argument, she brings up, 'You cheated on me with that woman!' or you did this back there, and they never let go of it! And it is poison isn't it doctor?"
|Hey Bakker, remember this one?|
|An eager Bakker Zombie, awaiting orders from her master|
|Gary Smalley spots a bird up in the rafters|
|Lori Graham Bakker: 'SCREEEEEEECH!'|
|Yakov Smirnoff: Still not funny|
Looks like I jumped the gun on the Couples Special, because now Jim's adding in all the extra stuff he's trying to get rid of: A Bible, a Lori Locket, Jesus Dogtags, and a Kevin Shorey cd. Ooooh, I think an inbred's holiday shopping is already done!
|Jim and Lori faking it for the camera|
We hear a little bit more from the odd-couple, Moose and Mr Bland. Moose tells us that she's issued orders to her husband: Every Friday night, they'll be heading to a coffee house to read a book together. Wow, fun. How exactly does a person share a book with another? Are they reading comic books? I'd love to see how this works:
[Moose] "Hey turn the page, I'm done."
[Mr Bland] "Hold on, I still have a couple paragraphs left. And can you stop talking please, I can't read when you're talking to me."
[Moose folds arms, places head on Mr Bland's shoulder]
[Mr Bland, perturbed] "Okay honey...now you're breathing on me."
|Smalley/Applewhite working the controls of his spaceship|
|Bakker pinching Lori's knee to shut her up|
|I smell funnel cake in Zach's future|
|Smalley illustrates the size of Lori's brain|
|An inbred wearing a lovely mink hat|
-I Will Not Be Silent About That Silent Night
(instead I'll write a shitty song about it)
-Let's Put Christ Back Into Christmas
(my personal favorite)
-Jesus Is The Gift That Keeps On Forgiving
(Ain't that the truth, Jim?)
-My Gift Of Worship
(your gift of money)
-The Perfect Plan
(scare 'em, sell 'em, pay no taxes)
(Beaches, Botox and Bimbos named Bakker)
Before singing, Kevin has to take care of inbred birthday duty. Elizabeth is our first inbred birthday, and she's wearing a beautiful white mink hat. Oh wait, no, that's a wig. She's given a pair of tickets to go see the one and only Jackoff Smirnoff.
|Does this old bag know she has a raccoon on her head?|
|Kevin's suspenders hoist up his parachute pants|
Kevin, his parachute pants safely suspended, grunts out his song, then Jim and Lori fawn all over him afterwards. Jim exclaims, 'That should be a classic!" Something's up, they never give Kevin this much credit.
|Shorey signed a record deal with Jim...bad move, Kevin.|