Lori Bakker Birthday Show Part 1

Resident Eunuch Zach

Today we're told of a 'special edition' of The Jim Bakker Show: It's Lori's 54th birthday celebration. Most women that I know, hell, all the women that I know, would not tell you how old they are, much less celebrate their birthdays. But hucksters Lori and Jim don't throw away easy opportunities to sell product, and today they're cleaning house. What exactly are they selling? The shortest answer would be: everything.

The Country Bear Jimboree, minus a drummer

The show opens with a confident-looking Zach thumbing himself as he tells us, "I'm Zach Drew." We see a little taste of the Morningside Band, but the drummer is missing. By missing, I don't mean the regular drummer is missing and has been replaced by a new guy. I mean there is literally no drummer seated at the set. Yet, the music clearly contains a drum beat. These animals are fake-playing to a track like the Country Bear Jamboree...has anyone confirmed that those are real people up there? Maybe the animatronic drummer's arm mechanism was sticking and he's been taken out for an oil job? I've always thought that Possum Trot keyboard player looked like a brainless stuffed animal...maybe I was right after all.

The camera moves to the audience and shows us the collected gaggle of Bakker Zombies. Holy hell...I think they're stuffed too. Just look at the vacant stares and mindless clapping.

"Let me clap for you before I insult you, dear."

And now we see the lady of the hour, Lori 'Graham' Bakker. Jim's sitting real pretty for her, giving her a nice round of applause before announcing, "Fifty-four years.....old, today." He thought about it for a second. 'Am I gonna call her young or old?' I'd love to be inside his mind while he was debating that little move. What line of thinking made him settle on calling Lori 'old' instead of 'young'? Maybe I'm giving him too much credit though. He didn't call her 'old' for any particular reason, he just did it because he's an asshole, plain and simple.

"Der der der, I want to eat Gilbertis, der der der."

Lori yaps about wanting to go to Gilberti's to eat for her birthday. I looked this place up and found it rated '#1 out of 8 total restaurants' in Branson. It also has 'the best pizza in town'. I don't know if the owner has a business relationship with Lori and the Duke so I can't speak to his integrity, but in a town of 8 restaurants, it's probably not too hard to be top, especially if he's serving pizza to all those pigs. Anyways, Lori keeps telling us that she wants to go to Gilberti's to eat. Okay, so get your fat-ass in the car and go eat...talking about it will only make you hungrier.

The Crypt Keeper and Mongrel de la vega

Grannie Char the Bug is introduced, followed by Gangster Mondo and then Video Game Ricky. It looks like they've finally unshackled Ricky from the Morningside dungeon and let him out for some fresh air and sunlight. Bakker calls him "Ricky Ricardo" and introduces him as Lori's 'littlest lamb', but then corrects himself and says, "Well, not littlest anymore." And don't you forget that Jim. You're gonna make the mistake one day of telling Ricky to shine your shoes, and he's gonna tell you straight up, "No more shines, Jim." It might go something like this:

[Bakker] "Hey Ricky Ricardo, you turn that video game off right now. Don't you speak English ya dumb waterhead?"

"No more shines, Jim."

[Ricky] "Yeah, umm, I've been meaning to tell you something Jim. I've decided to play video games all day. In fact, I'm going to be playing games all week, all month, and all year. And by the way, my last name isn't 'Ricardo'. That sound good, 'Bakker'?"
[Bakker, shouting] "Ricky you turn that off right now, or else!"
[Ricky, standing] "Or else what, Jim? What are you gonna do, old man?"

But, for now at least, Jim still has control over Ricky since he has the dungeon keys and therefore controls Ricky's access to fresh air, sunlight and dry clothes. On the couch, Bakker prompts Ricky, "Say 'Happy Birthday Mom'", and Ricky immediately repeats it. Quite a touching mother-and-fake-son moment.

Wait wait, don't tell me. Vegan, right?

Three minutes in and Bakker is hawking a self-published cookbook by his guest, Kevin Van Kirk. Jim calls this guy a 'genius'. Van Kirk looks like the typical staunch, in-your-face vegan wack: slightly emaciated, taut inelastic skin, and lips pulled back from his teeth. His head is small; he looks like a little fruit monkey. If he came up to me on the street to tell me that he didn't eat meat (as I'm sure he would), I would reply, "Yeah dude...I can tell."

Van Kirk says he made a German Chocolate Cake for Lori without milk, without dairy, and without oil. I assume 'dairy' includes eggs, milk and butter. So what did he make it out of, sawdust and cardboard? You can't make a cake without eggs, or at least you can't make a cake anyone would eat without eggs. I'm sure he'd eat it, but then again, I'm sure this guy eats crickets and mealworms too. Gotta get your protein somewhere, right?

Jim suspiciously eyeing the sawdust cake. It weighs 10 lbs.

Kevin Shorey is holding up Van Kirk's book. Something tells me that Kevin won't be thumbing through those recipes tonight. No meat? Trash.

A surprise guest slinks onto the set from the back door. It's Plastic Man himself, Dino Kartsonakis, and he's brought a cake too. Dino announces his cake as being 'sugar-based' and I'll admit that I chuckled at that one. Now we have two cakes competing for Lori's affection: Dino's sugar cake and Van Kirk's sawdust cake. I'm guessing the sawdust cake eventually gets distributed to all the animals in the audience, while sweet-tooth Lori gorges on sugar cake. They'll probably force the sawdust on Kevin, Zach and Sasha too. Jim likes sticking it to his clowns.

Dino's piano is a total loss...or is it?

Dino tells Lori that he's giving her a gift: A plaque containing a few keys from his pianos that were destroyed by flood over the summer. Bakker jumps on this money-making opportunity. He tells Dino, on-air, that he'll pay him for his keys so that he can sell them to support his construction efforts. Jim turns to the camera and tells us that he's burdened because he's starting paving work today on the road to Lori's House. Looks like he's gonna mix some fake tears into this sad story, and right on schedule Bakker chokingly tells us that he's paving "...the road to the valley which has been a...bumpy road you might say...for us." Jim tells us that there's not enough money to finish the road, but they're gonna start anyways. That's classic Bakker, starting projects that he has no money to finish so he can guilt people into 'helping a brother out'.

"I can edit this out", says the Frog

Jim floats a number to Dino: $2,000 per plaque. This is strange, they're negotiating on-camera in plain view. Dino hedges a little bit and Jim says, "...Tell me if I'm wrong. I can edit this out." After Bakker says he can 'edit this out', he turns to the camera and laughs. Wow, Dino is really squirming up there. He turns to Lori and starts talking to her while Jim is still talking to him. Jim's telling Dino about Lori's House while Dino is simultaneously telling Lori that "it's gonna be an amazing place." I wonder if maybe Dino wants more money but feels he's being badgered into the deal by Jim? It could also be that he's trying to justify the value of his 'charitable donation' to Jim on-camera in case the IRS comes knocking. I think it's the latter, because Dino also squeaks in an off-handed comment that "...it's about ministry." For the record, Kartonakis sounds entirely unenthused that this would be 'about ministry'.

Bakker won't be smiling when the IRS comes knockin' again

Wait, I think I've figured it out. Dino has most likely filed an insurance claim to replace his lost pianos (there were two of them, by the way). Insurance will pay him for the total loss. However, Dino is also going to sell the piano keys to Bakker under the table for cash, or donate them to Bakker through a charitable donation. Personally, I think Dino's taking cash, and I think ol' Diamond Dino is looking forward to this chance to double-dip on his lost pianos. Bakker, of course, is more than happy to help since it will benefit him too. Just my opinion, but this all sounds a little dishonest to me.

Now that we're out of the shady on-camera deal between Bakker and Plastic Man, Jim talks about being in 'the valley' after coming out of prison. He says Kenneth Copeland emptied his bank account to give Jailbird Jim some seed money after flying the coop, which I don't believe. This segues into Jim introducing his 'One Day Only' offers to support Lori's House. Jim is selling eight different junk bundles for $54 bucks each, and he claims that they're available for one day only. Considering that Bakker streams his show online before broadcasting it at a later date, I would say that Jim Bakker is lying. At minimum, these offers are available for two days: once on the internet and once on tv...not counting repeats in the future. Any Bakker Loopys care to respond to that?

Is Diamond Dino double-dipping on his lost pianos?

Bakker tells us that he can pave his road and pour the Lori's House foundation immediately if everyone watching buys one of his junk bundles. And what if they don't Jim, what are you going to do? You're gonna go into debt and tell everyone you need help, right?

Jim says they've gone into their vaults and warehouses to pick the junk he's selling today, and he says that some of it isn't 'brand new', but they're all things that Lori loves. I'm not sure what he means by this, is he selling used goods? Jim tells us again, this is for "One..Day..Only."

Jim's first item up for sale is a Bible Two-Pack. What kind of wicked ministry is this, selling Bibles on tv at a markup? Would Jesus sell Bibles, Jim?

Jim is really pushing the Bibles hard, raving about the large print and soft leather binding. Bakker tells us that these Bibles were already paid for and have been sitting in his warehouse. Jim sounds like a mafia fence peddling stolen fur coats. He probably got 'the deal of a lifetime' on these Bibles, stowed them away in a Branson Load N' Lock storage unit, and now he's trying to move them out before 'the Feds' start getting wise:

[Mafioso #1 wiretap] "Hey, you know that guy downstairs, the froggy guy with the color tv and the wife with the big tits?"
[Mafioso #2 wiretap] "The guy that runs the Bakery? Yeah I know him. He's a friggin' schmuck, keeps asking me for if I wanna buy his cheap chink jewelry. I bought one for the wife, turned her skin green."
[Mafioso #1 wiretap] "Yeah yeah, I know. But here's the thing. The guy is knee-deep in Bibles right now."

[Mafioso #2 wiretap] "Whoa whoa. Paulie, how you know something like that?"

[Mafioso #1 wiretap] "Because I'm the guy that got him in deep. This guy told me he'll pay a Cleveland ($1,000) per truck. Says he moves them like candy at a preschool picnic."
[Mafioso #2 wiretap] "No kiddin? What's a truck hold, about 10,000?"
[Mafioso #1 wiretap] "Something like that. So he gets 'em for 10 cents a piece, what do I care?"
[Mafioso #2 wiretap] "Kinda makes you wonder how much he moves them for, don't it?"

"Can you imagine a $70 Bible for $26?" says Jim as he continues pushing the Bibles on us. No, I can't imagine a $70 Bible for $26, Jim. You know what I can imagine though? A Bible for free. How about it, Pastor?

Mmmmm, yummy.

Our next item is a Silver Sol Starter Kit. Lori claims she uses it every day of her life, which for me is reason enough not to buy it. Zach gets on the mic and gives us the rundown on the kit. He's like Jim's Rod Roddy.

Jim throws it over to Kevin Van Kirk, who is now wearing an apron at a table full of veggies. He's making a salsa which consists of about five chopped veggies all mixed in a bowl. He advises that he likes to add jalapeno to it, and depending on how you hot you want it will determine how much jalapeno you put in. This is one of the stupidest things I've seen/heard on the Bakker Show in a long time. Is that what's in his cookbook? Does he tell us how to pour milk on cereal too? He goes on to inform us that his salsa is also vegan...that might be even stupider than the jalapeno comment. Twenty bucks for his cookbook, plus shipping.

Sasha whoring herself out for Bakker

Back to Jim's junk. Two Lori Lockets, today only, $54. Sasha models it for us, but Lori doesn't. That's because Lori isn't actually wearing one. Jim tells us that he needs to hurry and get Kevin out for a song. I don't understand the rush, but my first guess would be that Kevin has to poop and wants to hit his notes first before vanishing for an hour.

Diamond Dino cracking his knuckles

Jim has one of his 'for sale' bibles in hand and starts citing scripture designed to convince viewers that they should give their money to him. In the background, Dino cracks his knuckles. I wonder if Dino the Greek is the one with the connect on those bibles? Jim reads to us from his shwag bible, "God richly gives us everything to enjoy." He then turns to Lori with a smirk, "So you can enjoy your Lori Lockets there." I don't think that's what the writer meant, Jim. He goes on with the verse until he reaches the word 'foundation'. Then Bakker says that he's building a foundation today. I don't think they meant that either, Jim.

Do you think Jim has ever choked Lori in anger before?

Item #4, two Lori Signature Necklaces. Lori is wearing this one, but it's skewed off to the side of her neck and sort of covered by her scarf. That's okay, Quick-Fingers Bakker comes to the rescue. This guy puts his slimy little fingers on the 'piece' and centers it so the camera can get a good glimpse. Wife or not, it's a complete invasion of her personal space. Now he's pointing at the locket, but he's right up on the thing, merely inches away. Meanwhile, Lori's sitting there like a dog with a biscuit on it's nose, waiting for the 'snap it' signal from her master. If you don't think this is strange, consider it in reverse. Do you think Bakker would ever, even for a second, let someone get that close to him while he sits obediently like a trained dog? Of course not. It's demeaning. Lori's wearing the ugly thing, she's plenty capable of modeling it for the camera herself.

And do you think Lori's ever choked Jim back?

Here he goes again, now he's grabbing the locket on her neck and rolling it around like a booger, with the backside of his hand directly underneath Lori's chin. The guy is danger close to her face. Is he going to punch her? Man, if he's this assaultive with his wife, imagine how he was with a young Jessica Hahn?

Heeding the intestinal groans of a rapidly dilating Shorey off-camera, Jim quickly moves to junk bundle #6, so quickly in fact that he forgot junk bundle #5. Up for bid is a six-pack of BioSense Hand Sanitizer Bottles. I'll give him a buck for the whole pack, but Jim's asking for $54. More rushing as Jim tells us Kevin is coming up with his song. I don't know if Kevin is giving the signal off-camera, or maybe his stomach is growling something fierce like a caged tiger. They're all really concerned with getting Shorey out there to sing, immediately.

Click to continue to Lori Bakker Birthday Show, Part 2