Bakker spoon-feeds inbreds, wows them with fire - Part 2

This is Part 2. Click here to return to Part 1 of Bakker spoon-feeds inbreds, wows them with fire.

Bakker hasn't been this focused on cooking since prison

Back to Foodbucket Frank and his miracle food. He's telling us how the shit is made while Sales Prophet Bakker seems to be on some sort of mission. Jim's appears very focused up there with his head down, shifting pots around and stirring them. This is probably how he looked while working in the prison kitchen to avoid being raped in his cell. Now all that prison training is paying off because Jim's really taking this food to task  He takes the pot of corn and tastes it, then interrupts Lori while she's talking to get her to taste it too. Lori gives the thumbs-up, which is all Jim needs to proceed with his mission. He says that he needs some spoons, then tells Sasha to follow him. Jim doesn't even wait for Sasha, he's off and walking before you can say 'Food Bucket'.

Bakker peeling around a corner with Sasha in chase

Jim approaches two elderly inbreds sitting up front at a table. He's got a mic in one hand and a pot of foodbucket slop in the other. He entertains these two morons with a couple questions that he'll never remember the answers to because he doesn't care, then Jim gets down to business. Like any good thief, slicky boy Bakker focuses on the little old lady because she's the easier mark. He's getting ready to feed her some corn when he tells her, "Now make-believe that twenty years from now..I hope you're still gonna be alive." She pauses for a moment, wondering to herself whether Jim just insulted her. He did, lady. Don't wonder, don't tell yourself that Jim would never do such a thing. He does it every day to people like you who pay him exorbitant prices for things they don't need. He tricks you into thinking you're doing it through some sort of divine directive, but the reality is that Jim never hears from God...he just wants your money.

Humanitarian Jim Bakker feeding the hungry

Jim Bakker preys on you, the little old lady with the false chompers, the old liver-spotted fart with a hearing aid and permanent smile, because you're too trusting. Focus, zombie. Engage what few brain cells remain and remember the times you've seen Jim Bakker cry...no tears, right? He is manipulating you, playing you like a fool so he can pick your pocket like a petty thief.


"Now make-believe that twenty years from now...I hope you're still gonna be alive." Jim may as well be telling her, "Imagine twenty years from now when you're dead." That's the cold hard truth zombie: You'll expire before that food Jim's selling expires. Isn't that reason enough not to buy it? Wake up, snap out of Bakker's spell, slug him right in the mouth and leave that place for good. Come on, you can do it!

'You hooked her Jim, now reel her in!'

It doesn't happen. The insult from Bakker that sparked life into her brain has disappeared, replaced by a new stronger spark: food. Food from Bakker, in fact. Jim takes a spoonful of corn and drives it in close to the woman's mouth. Like a baby, her mouth opens automatically as Bakker's spoon nears. I expect Jim to tell her, 'Here comes the chew-chew train!' before he drives it in. The woman's lower jaw extends forward to catch any corn that falls off the spoon while Jim simultaneously inserts the spoon and tilts the handle upwards to slide the corn down into this woman's gullet. Bakker asks her how it tastes. "It's delicious...it's just like fresh!" You got her Jim, now go bag another one!

"Blab Blab Blab Blab Blab"

Jim's stalking through the audience looking for another mark. He finds a girl named Amber Graham who is Lori's niece.

[Lori Bakker] "Hey, wanna come out to Morningside and be on tv?"
[Amber Graham] "Be on tv? Sure, but I don't have money for a plane ticket"
[Lori Bakker, snorting] "Haha, don't worry about that, I have a ministry expense account! We'll go to Florida this weekend too!"

[Amber Graham] "Okay...wow, tv sounds fun! Do I have to strip or anything? If so, I need to plan ahead."
[Lori Bakker] "No, you just have to let Jim spoon feed you. I know it sounds weird, but Jim thinks it'll sell more foodbuckets if we get these dumb-ass old people to say they like it on tv. Just make sure you clearly say that you like it, otherwise Jim's gonna be pissed."
[Amber Graham] "Okay, I'll do it as long as Philip Cameron isn't there this week. That guy creeps me out."
[Lori Bakker] "No no, Philip's back in Moldova. This week is Frank Davis. You'll like him, he's like a little pet lizard." 

Better swallow that gum Maxine, you're up next!

Amber Graham, expenses paid, is ready to eat. Since she has a semi-working brain though, Jim knows better than to just shove food in her mouth so he asks for permission first. "Can I feed you?" She replies, "Yes please." The mechanics work the same way. Jim drives the chew-chew train in, she opens her mouth, and Jim lifts the spoon to slide the corn down. She's still chewing when Jim's eyes bulge out of his head from the intense smell of money: There's Grandma Maxine! He quickly circles behind Lori's niece and sidles up right next to Grandma Moneybags. Here comes the chew-chew train Grannie, open wide! And down it goes, another one bites the dust. Lori's niece and Moneybags both declare it 'Better than fresh corn'. Chalk up another two in the bag.

'Them beans sure eat good Jim!'

Jim's leaving a trail of spoons at each table, but the one he fed Moneybags with went back into the pot. He takes a fresh spoon from Sasha and puts it in the pot too, but what's done is done. Grandma Maxine's spit, plus whatever else was living in her mouth, is now in the corn. I suppose they're all family anyways [being inbreds], but it's still gross.


Jim issues an open invitation to his collection of now-hungry zombies: "Anyone else want to try a bite while I'm out here in the audience?" Hands raise from at least three locations, Jim's really got them going now. How often does a brainless zombie get the chance to please their Lord by telling him on-camera that his corn is delicious? For a Bakkonite, it's the ultimate display of allegiance. Bakker may even talk to them for a hurried minute after the show ends.

This inbred was hypnotized by Jim's swirly snake eyes

Bakker approaches a male inbred who's ready to pledge his allegiance. Jim offers the spoon to this dummy, but the angle is awkward on the hand-off. Jim and the man both hold the spoon as it touches the man's lips, then the man gains control of the spoon and feeds himself. We see a closeup of this guy with spoon in mouth and eyes firmly locked on Jim. Bakker is like the snake Kaa from the Jungle Book: When impressionable people look into his sinister, swirling eyes, they become hypnotized by him. That's when Bakker strikes.

Jim says he's never fed people before and that today is a first. Oh, believe me Jim, you've been feeding people real good for years now...feeding us all a load of shit.

Jim Bakker's hypnotic eyes

Bakker returns to the cooking table for a pit stop. Frank Davis, the man Jim compared to Steve Jobs, continues telling us how he makes his space food while Jim adds salt and pepper to the styrofoam string beans. I guess Frank hasn't figured it out yet. Hey Frank, nobody cares how you make your space-food. The only person they're listening to is Jim, and if he says your crap is important, then they're buying it. All you need to do is continue giving Jim those volume discounts he likes and you'll continue raking in money hand-over-fist. Now sit there like a good lizard and enjoy the residual warmth left by Jim's fire. If you're lucky, an unsuspecting fly might buzz around near enough for you to capture, dehydrate, and eat.

Jim heading back out on Inbred Safari, armed with spoon

Pit stop complete, Jim's heading back out on inbred-safari with Sasha in tow. They're armed with spoons for protection from the hungry horde. I'm waiting to see one of these hungry animals snap their jaws at him. Yes, Bakker is their Lord and Saviour, but waft food in front of even the most docile creature's snout one too many times and they're eventually gonna strike out. And let me tell you, Jim's so close he can smell 'em.

[Jim Bakker] "Now Sasha, if one of these things shows any sign of aggression towards me, I want you to thwop 'em with a spoon."
[Sasha] "Thwop?"
[JB] "Yep, take a spoon and thwop 'em right on the snout. That'll back 'em off long enough for us to get back to the stage."

Jim now thinks better of feeding the dangerously-hungry inbreds, instead he's handing over the spoons and allowing them to feed themselves. Good thinking, Jim. If one of these critters bites you, you'll get the sickness.

Jim elbow-checked Lori early in the show

Bakker openly makes fun of one old feller when he asks, "Do you have teeth?" You're feeding them like babies, Jim...if you want to know if they have teeth, why not just open up their smelly little mouths and take a peek? These people are so enthralled with Jim Bakker, I'll bet they'd let him do it too.

[Jim Bakker] "Hi there Grandma Maxine, let's just open up that mouth and take a look inside for a second.
[Grandma Maxine, smiling coyly] "Okay Jim."
[Bakker cracks open Maxine's jaw.] "Oh my lamb, you have gold fillings! Are they really gold?"
[Maxine, tongue wagging and grunting] "Akk. Yakkk."
[Bakker lets Maxine's jaw snap shut] "We looove Grandma Maxine!!"

The Van Kirk Special: Cow Pies

Bakker hands out three spoonfuls of rehydrated string beans, the same beans which looked like packing peanuts before Bakker wasted 30 minutes of Apocalypse time soaking them in water. The inbred verdict is unanimous: "Incredible". Could it have been anything else?

Jim's had his fill of zombie-safari and has now returned to the safety of the stage. The smell of food has Zach all worked up for a taste and Bakker happily obliges. What Zach doesn't realize is that Jim's gonna charge him per scoop on the food. And in an interesting twist, what Jim doesn't realize is that Zach's not gonna like the beans. Zach chokes down a mouthful of space beans and declares them, "Pretty Good!"

Zach sealed his fate with his review: "Pretty Good!"

Uh-oh, Jim is not happy with that one. "Pretty Good? We don't use that word on my show." Jim also doesn't use words like honesty, integrity, or truth. If Jim were an honest man, pushing an honest product, 'Pretty Good' would be perfectly acceptable. And if Jim were simply a preacher, then 'disgusting', 'tastes like dirt', or 'oh my god give me a napkin to spit in' would all be fair assessments of the food he's pushing. But in Jim Bakker land, everything must be 'delicious'. Why? Because Jim is a salesman, pushing product out the door as fast as he can...important things like quality, taste, and even necessity are irrelevant.

"Pretty Good? We don't use that word on my show."

Oh man they're really making sure Zach knows what a boo-boo he made. Lori tells us that "These are young people who are not used to eating healthy." No Lori, these are young people who haven't yet polished their sales game like you and your snot-nosed twerp husband. These are the kids you've charged $8000 a semester to go to a bullshit school which is just a front for you to have interns running your show. And you're ruining them. You're teaching them nothing about gospel, nothing about preaching, and nothing about caring for others. And once they realize that you're prostituting them, they leave or are axed.

Jim Bakker insulting Zach from behind Lori

Now Jim gets in on the Zach action. He and Lori have turned square to Zach in order to better direct their verbal assault on him. Jim, standing like a little girl behind his mommy Lori, launches his volley: "This is called string beans. It's not a french fry. It's not a cheeseburger." Jim draws out the words to really rub it in. Jim Bakker is such a pathetic man. Here he is, this short, wrinkled little frog man, selling dehydrated food on tv. He's standing behind his airhead wife for protection, holding a pot and spoon while berating a fat-kid for not lying about the taste of the food he's selling. Hey Jim, do you remember about a half-hour ago when you almost burned the house down?

One Sales Prophet, Seven Foodbuckets, Zero Bibles.

Jim wraps up his correction of Zach, then sends him and Sasha out to the zombie section to dish out more space-beans. With the groundwork set, Jim's ready for his big bucket push. You name it and Jim has it in a bucket. Raspberries? Check. Apples? Check. They're all $100 or more per bucket, but Sales Prophet Jim will throw in an extra if you order two. Why would you do that Jim? If you're being honest with us, shouldn't they all be the same price?

For the remainder of the show, Bakker continues harping how delicious his food is. He shifts from bucket to bucket, meal to meal, each time taking a taste and declaring it 'amazing'. In one closeup shot of freeze-dried raspberries, we see the bowl resting atop Jim's opened Bible. Pastor Bakker likes to keep the important things within reach.

Jim Bakker is, as John Lennon sang, 'Crippled Inside'. He can hide behind his cheesy smile and he can get Lori all dolled up with him while they pretend to love Jesus, but he can't hide the fact that his whole show is a sales pitch, at least not to people with two eyes and a brain. He's an emotional cripple and a money addict. Jim got a taste of the big money years ago and was instantly hooked. He'll tell you any lie you want to hear to part you from your dollar, then he'll do it all over again tomorrow. It takes a pretty heartless creature to be able to do that to people, day in and day out. That creature is Jim Bakker.