Bakker spoon-feeds inbreds, wows them with fire - Part 1

The Morningside Strangler

The show begins with cymbals crashing and a wide shot of the Morningside Strangler choking his guitar. This new guitarist is named Joey, and as mentioned previously, he looks like a serial killer. The energy in the music tells me the money is flowing in and business has never been better at The Jim Bakker Show.

Bakker's been running a Lizard-thon all week with the reptilian Foodbucket King himself, Frank Davis. This guy is Jim's main source for foodbuckets, and while he may have decent motivations behind his choice to make a living selling us dehydrated space-food, I hear the Balance Scale of Morality clunking down heavily on the 'immoral' side every time he appears on the show. After all, he's on stage with Bakker while Jim is fake crying and making up phony baloney stories to scare people into buying his crap. Yet, Foodbucket Frank continues appearing to help Jim sell product. Dude, is being in the show really worth the cost of admission?

Reptilian Foodbucket King, Frank Davis

Each intro this week includes quick video of the Lori's House construction crew, as well as the overpriced tents and tarps pitched out on the grass of the 'valley' that Jim loves talking about so much. Does Jim know that you're not supposed to pitch tents in a valley due to the risk of flooding if it rains? And this is the guy we're supposed to trust when disaster strikes?

[Emergency Responder Jim Bakker] There's a fire in the building! Quick, everyone to the elevators!

Jim Bakker's shirt shows off his Man Boobs

Guard Pig Zach beckons us into Palace Bakker and we get our first view of the Frog King and his brainless, baby-less Queen. I'd usually make fun of Jim and Lori's clothes here, but it just occurred to me that they're kind of dressed like my wife and I. Bakker's shirt is similar to one that I wear, one that my wife bought for me in fact. The similarities end there of course, since I'm almost 30 years younger than Jim and my nipples don't get hard when I wear the shirt. Lori Rotten-Crotch is wearing a beige-toned suit jacket that makes her look like a real estate agent, eerily similar to my wife's occupation. Again though, there are no further similarities as my wife doesn't hold the Guinness Book Record for 'Most Abortions Attested To". Nor does she have fake tits.

Do these tents double as rafts when the valley floods?

Jim has multiple live fires burning on a large banquet table in front of him, so it looks like we'll have some show-and-tell this morning for the old bats in the crowd to chitter about when they go back to their stuffy Morningside condos. Jim begins the show by reminding us that we're living in the Last Days, which he calls "the most exciting days, if you're prepared." Jim's already greasing the skids for his foodbucket sales-pitch. Bakker tells us that God spoke to him the 'other night', then his forked-tongue gets tied when repeating the important words of the Almighty , "When you honor me by preparing and being ready for Revelation events, it honors me when..you honor me...by doing what I said." Is that verbatim, Jim? Bakker then tells us that God wants our obedience...which means that God wants us to obediently buy foodbuckets from Jim Bakker. You're such a weasel Jim.

Frank Davis, CEO of Food for Health

Bakker introduces Frank Davis by singing out his name. If you've never seen a Sleestak before (pronounced Slee-stak), you can finally tell people you have in Frank Davis. Sleestaks were the lizard-men from the 70s tv show "Land of the Lost", and they happen to look just like Foodbucket Frank. They also frequently possessed magic crystals, something that Jim Bakker will probably be selling soon. Come to think of it, the Land of the Lost is probably a better name for this zoo than Morningside.

Jim tosses up a slow soft one to Foodbucket Frank when he asks, "You believe something's coming don't you?" Frank knocks it outta the park with his reply, "I believe it with all my heart." Foodbucket Frank tells Jim that he's been preparing for over 40 years. So Frank, your 30-year shelf life food would be worthless after that time, right? Again, Bakker reminds us that God wants us to be obedient to Him. No, Jim, you want us to be obedient to you. I wonder if Jim Jones told his zombies that they needed to be obedient to God when convincing them to knock back a shot of Death-Flavored Kool-Aid?

The Bakker Serpent introduces a new product for people to waste their money on: Fire Buckets. Scoop out some stuff that looks like used cat litter, put a match to it, and it burns. For a man who is surely going to hell if there is one, the Fire Bucket is a perfect product choice. Jim says he found it at an Expo. And was that Expo in Hell, Mr Bakker?

Some waterhead mixed the shipping supplies with the food

Jim says he's gonna cook up a bunch of space food for the inbreds to eat. He shows us a bowl full of our first delicious course: freeze-dried string beans. These things look just like the styrofoam packing peanuts that you'd pour into a box to ship something bulky. Are you sure you didn't mix up the foodbucket shipping supplies with the food, Jim? Bakker tells us that these string beans last twenty years...is that before or after eating them? Something tells me that those twenty years will likely be spent in some inbred's gut while his body tries in vain to digest it. A thousand years from now, archaeologists will find undigested spacefood in graves all throughout the Ozarks and scratch their heads.

Prior to cooking, Jim has to rehydrate the string beans for a half hour. Just what we need during the Apocalypse, 30 minutes of stare time while we wait for our styrofoam string beans to absorb water. Just enough time to be eaten by a wild animal, or maybe have a band of marauders come and steal your fake food...then come back and dump it on top of your head when they taste it.

Jim's RV park. I expect a tumbleweed to blow past.

With all this talk about dehydrated food, I just realized that Foodbucket Frank looks like a dehydrated man. Does it also take a half hour of him soaking in water before he's ready to eat?

While juggling pots and space-food, Jim drops a quick reference to his new Christian Retreat Center, which is actually just an RV park and campground. We see a quick picture of it, and it's completely empty save for two RVs. The barren appearance reminds of the Bonneville Salt Flats...are one of these RV pilots gonna attempt a new land speed record? Attention Morningside Zombies: This is what Jim spends your money on.

Back to the food. Jim grabs a pot of rehydrated corn and gives us his low "Ohhhh" grunt as he grabs it. Lori gives us the same gross grunt as she calls it 'yummy', a word typically used by five-year olds. Hold on a second there, Frogman. Aren't you the one who told us that our corn supplies would run out in August...last August? And now you and your wife are giving us repulsive sex grunts about the 'yummy' corn that's somehow plentiful enough to waste on a television show audience?

Jim igniting rocket fuel

Kevin Van Kirk, Fruit Monkey-at-large, pipes up with some wisdom from his hallowed position way off to the right of the stage. He starts talking, then Jim shouts his name out in an interruption designed to tell the guy, 'I didn't introduce you yet pal...you talk when I say you talk.' The last time the Fruit Monkey was on to sell his book, Jim announced that he was taking all proceeds from Van Kirk's book for himself, which led to the Fruit Monkey baring his teeth at Jim. But he's back for more today, so Jim must have paid him something flat under the table to keep him on the hook. Or maybe Slick Jimmy really stiffed him the first time but promised him twice as much for the next appearance.

Jim pushes his Fire Bucket again, letting us know we can get it for $100 plus shipping. In less than 3 minutes I found it for $65 shipped. Thanks for letting us know how important they are though Jim, maybe I'll pick up two for the price you're charging me. Surely you have no problem with that since you only care about us being prepared, right?

"Wow I got this fire really going!"

Speaking of fire, Jim just scooped out some fiery-badness from his bucket and ignited it in one of his flimsy camping stoves. I think Jim might have scooped out too much because the stuff is taking off like jet fuel. As the fire grows, Jim hawks an overpriced Potato Bucket to us and shows us an close-up of what the dry spuds look like. In the foreground, we see flames rising upward. I think this is it: Jim's going to hell right before our eyes.

The camera pulls back as Jim fumbles around with his dehydrated potatoes and water. Frank Davis is watching Jim but then sneaks a peek at the growing conflagration in front of him. As much as I don't need a Fire Bucket, I can't deny that the sucker works. Jim places his pot of space potatoes on the fiery grill and remarks that he "got this fire really going". The famous last words of Jim Bakker.

Flames lick the side of Jim's pot

Lori has taken a half-step back from Jim's fire, but she has this dumb smile painted on her face while she stares at it. The flames are about 2 feet high now and show no indication of stopping anytime soon. If those flames lick into Lori's hair, she'll go up like a Roman Candle. Interestingly enough, Frank Davis has not stepped away. Like every good reptile, he's cold-blooded and enjoys the warmth.

The flames are almost totally obscuring the pot of potatoes now. Among the Morningside crowd, even the blindest of bats can see this sucker burning. Yet, Jim goes on as if nothing's happening. Now he's hawking his Jim Bakker 8 grain cereal. He shows us what his cereal looks like, and I swear it looks just like the stuff from the Fire Bucket. Perhaps he should rename it Jim Bakker 80-Octane Cereal?

Flames reflect off water pitcher; Jim's 80-Octane Cereal

The fire has reached almost 3 feet now, enough to ignite Jim's NOW hat if he leans in far enough. He finally acknowledges that the fire is big, but he can't stop himself from selling. He's noticeably wary of the flames as he reaches around them for a bowl of 20-year shelf life blueberries to add to his cereal, but once he's back into his sales-pitch he's oblivious to everything around him. He announces the blueberries in his sexy jazz voice and dumps them into his bowl of high-octane cereal. You can see flames reflected in the cereal bowl's finish.

Zach and Sasha are off to the side of the table, far away from Jim and even further away from the fire. Zach's holding his ground, but he's alternating between looking at the inferno and looking for help off-stage. He has an 'every man for himself' look on his face which tells me he's one loud noise away from spooking. If Mondo's switchblade accidentally falls from his pocket to the floor with a crash, Zach is busting out of there pronto. Meanwhile, Sasha is cowering away from the flames, this poor girl has no idea what to do. I'll tell you what to do Sasha: Get the hell outta Zach's way because when he bolts, you're getting trampled first.

Zach 's gonna bowl over poor Sasha

Kevin Van Kirk tries to take attention off the blaze by handing over a plate of his vegan sawdust cookies. Bakker, ever the salesman, tells us how delicious they're going to be. He elbows the fire-entranced Lori when she misses her queue to ask him 'How good are they?' For crying out loud Jim, you have a fire raging in front of you and you're still selling? Van Kirk's sawdust cookies get a close-up. They look like cow pies and probably taste like them too. Lori grabs the plate, turns her nose up at the cookies and immediately hands them over to Zach and Sasha to try. If this fire grows any larger it's gonna burn a hole right through that grill, through the table, and possibly through the earth to China. Yet Bakker's talking about cookies?

Hell's Flame reaching up towards Bakker

Ahh, the fire is finally burning itself out. The flames are losing intensity and everyone at the table breathes a sigh of relief. You can feel the mood shift. A now-very-warm Frank Davis cracks a joke and rasps out a reptilian laugh. Bakker's blackened pot of potatoes is still on the grill, and Bakker's still selling. He's on to his new dehydrated Blueberry Bucket. This thing costs one-hundred-and-fifty dollars. I felt the need to spell that out to illustrate just how much money Jim Bakker is asking for b-l-u-e-b-e-r-r-i-e-s. He tells us that he bought ten buckets for his own personal use. With whose money Jim? It can't be yours, because you claim to not have any money. Is it the money you take from your collection of inbred zombies? He tells us that no matter if an atomic bomb goes off, storms and earthquakes hit, or an asteroid strikes the earth, he'll still be eating his very own High Octane Cereal with SpaceBerries. Nice to see you have your priorities straight, Bakker.

'Better get used to those flames Jim'

Foodbucket Frank talks at length about how utterly perfect his space-food is. Earlier in the week, Jim had the nerve to compare this guy to Steve Jobs. Seriously, I'm not making this up. He told us that Steve Jobs had an amazing creative mind, and that "Frank Davis has a mind like that." On that episode, Jim told us that God spoke to him about Jobs' death and said it was prophetic. As Bakker relayed the important message that God gave to him, he forgot Jobs' first name. Jim fumbled around trying to remember, then had to turn to Zach, Lori and the gang for help. The instant Jim asked them "What's his first name?" he was met with a choral reply of "Steve". I expected Jim to snap his fingers trying to click the name into his mind, which he likely would have done if he didn't have people there to fill in the blanks of this important prophecy known only to Jim.

Jim Bakker preparing to lie about God speaking to him

If you think Bakker forgetting details of his own God-delivered prophecy is bad, wait till you hear the prophecy. Brace yourself. Jim told us that "The headline read, 'Jobs Died'." We don't know what headline he's talking about because he never explains the context, probably because no such headline existed. If I had to guess, I would say Jim was referring to make-believe newspaper headlines around the world. To illustrate, Jim added his own headline on top of a picture of the recently-deceased "Jobs" for his zombies to see and become brainwashed by. Then Bakker struck his most serious tone before telling us the important prophecy:

I'm not so sure that "Jobs" would approve of this

[Jim Bakker] "God said to me, "It's prophetic that he died. Because jobs...are dying...all over the world."

I almost couldn't believe he was saying it because it was so retarded. I knew deep down what he was gonna say, and at each pause I could hear the words before he spoke them...but I just couldn't imagine Jim Bakker could be so obnoxiously stupid with his fake prophecy. It's insulting. How can this guy publicly pretend that those words were delivered to him by God without being booed off-stage? And then, without skipping a beat, Jim the Sales Prophet goes right back to the foodbuckets. Unbelievable.

Click here for Part 2 of Jim Bakker spoon-feeds zombies, wows them with fire.