Jim Bakker scribbles on Zach, talks junk with Bill Whaley part 2

Morningside Nazi awaiting orders from her Fuehrer

This is part two. Click here to read part one of Jim Bakker scribbles on Zach, talks junk with Bill Whaley.

Isn't Bill Whaley on the show today? Where in the hell is he? Oh there he is, he's seated on stage allowing his good name and reputation to be used by convicted con man Jim Bakker to sell buckets of wheat. He hasn't been allowed to speak yet because Bakker's still busy milking him.

We get a video interlude with three of the Master's Media dummies making bread, and they've cracked open a business-expensed wheat bucket to do it. Their teacher for today is a female inbred named Janet Krehbiel. One look in her eyes tells me that this woman is fanatical about Jim Bakker. There's a certain fire burning in her eyes, but it's not the kind of fire that burns reassuringly in a fireplace on a cold winter evening. It's the sort of fire that burned witches at the stake; the sort of fire that burned piles of books in Nazi Germany.

Now just bake your survival bread in an electric oven...

We watch the kids bake bread. I assume this is meant to show people how useful their wheat buckets will be during the End Times? I'm counting a lot of ingredients that Jim doesn't sell which are part of this recipe. Yeast. Oil. Brown Sugar. We also have measuring cups, pots, and pans. And now we have the all-important electric or gas oven. Fraulein Krehbiel tells us that before baking the bread, we want to place it in a warmed oven to give it time to rise.

Wait, I'm confused: Is this survival bread, or just Sunday morning rise-and-shine bread? And why would anyone need a 45 lb bucket of wheat, and possibly ten buckets worth if you're stupid enough, when it takes only a few cups to make a loaf of bread? When Jim's scary-but-non-existent roving gangs are coming to rob and kill you, is bread-baking going to be high on your priority list? How would you even bake it if there's no electricity? This is lunacy, as in you are definitely koo-koo in the head if you think this is a smart thing to buy. Think zombies, you can do it if you try!

Sasha coloring outside the lines

The bread has been baked and now it's time to eat it. Sasha is very proud of her work. Has she never seen bread made before? Sasha wouldn't stand a chance in a survival situation. If she found herself stranded and starving in the Andes with the Uruguayan Rugby Team, she'd be the first to be eaten. You need to wake up, Sasha. Your cute smile, bubbly personality and empty head makes you ripe for the picking by some sleazy guy who will use you for his own personal gain. Case in point: Jim Bakker.

A Morningside Cafe specialty: The Yak-wich

They're adding mayonnaise, mustard, tomato and avocado to the bread now. When Sasha squeezes the mustard on her bread, she colors outside the lines and the mustard falls off and onto the side of the bread. Ms Volz...what are we going to do with you? You're so cheery and bright, but god you're dumb as a rock. How about scissors, are you skilled with scissors? Can we trust you with those, or do we need to worry that you'll accidentally lop off a finger while cutting around your barnyard animal doodles?

Lettuce and a Kraft cheese slice goes on the bread and now we have a disgusting, slimy, meatless sandwich for consumption. Sasha takes a big bite of it and gives the thumbs-up. There's no way that Sasha ate that whole thing, no way. My dog wouldn't even eat that, and he eats other dog's poop. The kids pose with Fraulein Krehbiel as she congratulates them on baking their bread. Great job kids, now let's go burn some books in the town square! Schnell!

Shemp laughs about the bread party he wasn't invited to

We're out of the interlude and back to the live show, talking to Sasha and Ariel about their big bread baking field trip. Shemp sits between the two and laughs awkwardly, but he wasn't invited to their bread baking party so he doesn't have anything to say. If you're keeping the hair then you better get used to the whole 'not-being-invited' thing. Trust me dude, cut it. You'll thank me.

Jim adds in a little fear-mongering in his last push of the wheat buckets, telling us “there's going to be some problems before 40 years, maybe before 40 days, I don't know. Things are coming loose, the wheels are coming off the wagon.” Alright Jim, the clock's ticking on your 40 days. This episode was broadcast on 2/27/12, and was probably shown live a week prior to that. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt though and toss you a few more days, you slithering snake. The wheels need to 'come off the wagon' by April 15th, tax day, otherwise you're being exposed as a con man who stokes fear in the minds of naïve people as a way to take their money. Is that reasonable? They're your words Jim, not mine. You say 40 days, I say okay. Let's see.

Sasha gives her review of the Yak-wich: "Ptooey!"

Arghh! Jim, are we getting to Bill Whaley or are we going to sit here all day talking about space food? Now we're on his $100 Mega Sampler bucket, and I just sat my ass through a full 60 seconds of Zach listing the contents of every packet in the bucket. What is this garbage, where's the gospel?

They continue on with the Mega Sampler bucket, and we're treated to a long shot of Zach that shows off his man boobs. Someone once mentioned that Zach was some sort of football star back home, but I'm not buying it. The guy looks about as athletic as an arthritic turtle. I don't deny that he may have played football, but playing a game is not the same as playing it well:

Zach's tits have now outgrown his training bra

After school, the kids line up against a wall to pick teams for intramural football. Only one kid remains, and neither team wants him. That kid is Zach Drew.

[Team A Captain] “Do we have to take him? Can we just play a man short?”

[Team B Captain] “He wants to play, and coach said we have to let everyone play if they want to.”

[Team A Captain] “Yeah but the last time we had him, he ran the wrong way with the ball. He scored against us!”

[Team B Captain] [laughing]“Heh, and he's gonna do it again today. That's our star player! Hurry up and pick him so we can get started.”

[Team A Captain] [groans and motions to Zach] “Alright, we'll take Pud. But dude, don't touch the ball this time. Just stand your fat ass out there and block.”

Morningside Lovebirds: 'Yep, thirty...long...years...'

We're finally out of Bakker's sales presentation and over to Kevin Shorey who's announcing the zombie anniversaries and birthdays. First up is a zombie couple that's been married for 30 years, and the marriage must be a grind because they're sitting about five feet apart at their table. These two love birds are seated so far apart, in fact, they may as well be sitting at different tables. That could change though, because they've just been given a coupon for Gilberti's to chow down on some anniversary pizza and reignite the flame of romance. Unfortunately, judging by the look of the place I don't know if that's gonna happen.

I always thought Gilbertis would be a little...classier?

This is the first time I've ever seen a picture of Gilberti's and it looks like it's going to be real cramped quarters inside this shack. I wouldn't rule out the possibility of a fist fight breaking out between the two as they react to the strain of being inside Mr Gilberti's Chicago-Style pressure cooker. I wonder what the fire marshal determined the maximum occupancy to be on a place like this, maybe 17 or so? It looks more Gas N' Go than Eating Establishment, and I must say: After all these years of hearing about Gilberti's, I really imagined something better than this. Enjoy your pizza you little lovebirds, and don't be surprised when you order Canadian Bacon and they don't have it.

Whenever Jim Bakker cultists laugh, I cringe

A birthday is up next. 'Miss Marilyn' the inbred is turning 60 today. Her hair is pulled off and braided down two sides like Sacagawea, making her look an awful lot like a burned-out hippie. I can imagine her escaping Jonestown just before Pastor Jones started serving up the purple Kool-Aid, but instead of swearing off charismatic religious leaders entirely, she ran right into Jim Bakker's loving arms at Heritage. I don't know what it is with these people, why must they always be looking for someone to follow? Are they incapable of leading themselves?

'Miss Marilyn' is being given a Lori Locket for her birthday, but when the gift is announced she pulls on her neck to reveal that she's already wearing one. Kevin corrects himself and says that she's being given a 'Lori Locket II”, so now she has another piece of junk jewelry to show off to her birds at home.

This zombie already had a Lori Locket...now she has two!

'Miss Marilyn' says that she's been eating for the last thirty years just as Jim is instructing now, "grinding mountain wheat and all that". She says that she and her husband also dumpster dive. Is there something going on in the world that I don't know about? What's up with all these people jumping head-first into garbage cans? Is this the new 'planking'?

Marilyn tells us that she's found things while dumpster diving that are 'unbelievable'. Maybe she found love in a dumpster? Perhaps the two of them jumped into Mr Gilberti's dumpster, found a day-old plate of spaghetti, then slowly ate from opposite ends of a noodle to ultimately find each other's lips?

Looks like someone has a man-crush on Jim Bakker...

Miss Marilyn's husband / brother is really starting to creep me out now. I think he's cockeyed, or else his glasses magnify his eyes to a level unfit for public consumption. As his wife continues talking, this guy gets a stare on his face that is truly terrifying. I'd say it's love for Jim Bakker that we're seeing, but if that's love, I sure as hell don't want to see hate. This guy is one of the scariest inbreds I've seen in a long time, and for the love of God I hope he never gets introduced to Joey from the band. Imagine those two driving around in Joey's windowless van at night?

Shorey passionately sings Karaoke from his chair

Nope, still no Bill Whaley. Now Kevin's giving us a taste of his singing chops with a song called You Can Begin Again, and he's doing it from a seated position. Where else on earth does a singer who wants to be taken seriously perform his song from a chair? Chair-singing is for karaoke, Kevin. Are you going to pass the mic to Jim and Lori next for their duet of Islands in the Stream?

While Kevin sings from the chair, he crosses his legs at the hocks to keep himself from spinning or rocking in his big swivel chair. Kevin's pants are bunched up around his thighs and one pant leg is hiked up far enough to expose his leg above the sock.

Kevin locked his hocks and hiked his pants for Karaoke

How are we supposed to take you serious, Kevin, if you aren't taking yourself seriously? If you present yourself as a slob, people will treat you as one. Go get yourself on a diet and exercise program and get the hell off Jim's show. You're wasting your life with Jim Bakker, and worse, you're slowly being corrupted by him. You can begin again, Kevin. Listen to your song! Enough with this Bakker fella, he's no good.

Finally it looks like it's time for Bill Whaley. Are we sure now, Jim? Is there anything else you'd like to sell before we get started?

Bakker digs a dollar out of his pants for Bill Whaley

Whaley begins talking for the first time. He seems like a pleasant enough guy, a little on the boring side but he appears to mean well. He tells us about his life as a helicopter pilot in the military. He goes off on a tangent about the government taking from us without giving, but it's nothing conspiratorial so that's a plus. He gives an illustration of this by asking Jim for a dollar, then taking it and not giving it back. This was pre-scripted and sort of dumb, but I liked that Bill called Jim 'Mr Bakker' when he asked for the dollar. Even though this conversation is very boring, I get the sense that the Junk Man ain't takin' no guff from 'Mr Bakker'. Keep it up Bill and you'll escape with your integrity intact!

FBI agent Bill Whaley pockets Bakker's bribe money

About that dollar. Whaley is still holding on to it, folded and cupped in his hand. I know the dollar hand-over was scripted, but at some point the scripted part would end and Whaley would return the dollar to Jim. It hasn't happened yet and it's making Bakker real anxious. Like a dog eying a biscuit treat, Jim is fixating on the dollar. I wonder if Jim can actually smell money like a drug hound?

Lori takes Jim for a security walk through Morningside, after-hours. Jim suddenly perks up:

[Jim Bakker] “Hold on Lori. Wait!”

[Lori Bakker] “What is it old man!? Is someone in here?”

[Jim Bakker] “No, I smell something.”

Bill Whaley still hasn't returned Jim's dollar

Jim twitches his nose, sniffing at the air. He points his wet snout towards the statue.”

[Lori Bakker] “Is it the statue? You know I had to yell at some little shits yesterday to get off of it, they were trying to climb it.”

Jim bolts towards the statue, excitedly sniffing the ground around it. Underneath a prayer bench, he finds a wallet.

[Jim Bakker] “This is it, this is what I smelled. Money.”

Lori picks up the wallet and opens it. Inside she finds three crumpled dollar bills, a Builder's Club card, and a Medicare card.

[Lori Bakker] [unwrinkling the bills] “Wow someone's poor!” [snorting laughter]

Jim suddenly leaps towards the bills, jaws open. He clamps down hard on the money as Lori tries to fend him off.

[Lori Bakker] “Jim, no! You'll rip them!”

Bill Whaley points at Jim Bakker

Bill Whaley appears to have completely taken over the show, and now he's asking rhetorical questions. Bakker ain't going for this shit. Whaley points at Jim and begins a question with, “Let me ask you this Mr Bakker...” Jim scratches his face as Whaley asks the question of him, a sure sign of being pissed off by his guest. Whaley reminds me of a hack salesman that works off a memorized script, like a guy trying to sell me stain protection on my carpet. He's probably working to a big finale to dazzle us, perhaps pouring wine on the carpet then cleaning it off, but he's doing a lot of ponderous prep work here and I don't think the payoff is going to be worth the time. The only reason I haven't hit fast-forward yet is because he's making Jim sweat.

A seething Jim Bakker fake smiles for the Junk Man

Bill asks Jim what the difference between alternative and renewable energy is. Jim paints a fake smile on his face and replies that he 'isn't sure of the difference, but he can guess'. Bakker looks like he's positively seething inside, like he wants to snap his fingers in front of Whaley's face and tell him to hurry up and get to the point because time is money. Whaley now poses the question to the audience. There's nobody left in the audience. We glimpse the front row and all we see are two empty chairs and three zombies, one of which is Whaley's wife. The Junk Man is driving 'em away, and fast. Bakker's gonna have to step in at some point here to save the day's sales.

"It's just natural gas, so what!?"

The Junk Man says that he owns two homes, one of which is in Missouri and is 'totally off the grid.' He says that nobody knows where his Missouri home is. He probably had neighbors once, then drove them all away with his long-winded monologues on junk and junk accessories. The Junk Man says he takes the fart gas off his septic tank and uses it to cook and heat his house with. I notice that his body language becomes defensive when mentioning that little detail about his septic tank, as if someone has given him crap about it before. If I asked him if his house smells like poop when he heats it, he would probably get real touchy about it and quickly come over the top of me to tell me that it's just natural gas. Right Bill, but what does it smell like?

[Ron] “I understand that it's just natural gas Bill, but...

[Bill Whaley] [interrupting] “That's right! It's just natural gas!'”

[Ron] “Okay, well let me ask you like this. Does it smell good, or does it smell bad?”

[Bill Whaley] [raises voice] “It doesn't smell anything! It's just natural gas, what's the big deal!”

Shorey: "God is this Whaley guy boring or what?"

The Junk Man tells us that he's a 'non-conformist' and that he has two sets of rules he believes in: the bible and the Constitution. This receives a round of applause from everyone on stage, plus someone in the audience that I can hear clapping very, very fast. I'm not sure if people are clapping for his comment, or because it's their chance to cut him off.

Jim asks him how he got the name 'The Junk Man'. Before answering, Whaley finally gives Jim his dollar back. Jim fake laughs, then hands the dollar to Lori and tells her, “Oh that's nice. Here honey. You need a dollar.” That's actually a pretty smooth move on Jim's part. Never let them see you handling money, Jim. That'll make it harder to bring a case against you.

Whaley's audience: Three zombies and two empty chairs

I'm this close to hitting fast-forward on Whaley, he's boring me to tears. At least I can play a little game in my head as he drones on. I'm trying to figure out what items on his person were scavenged from a garbage can, and which are new.

I don't think the suit jacket came from the garbage. The purple dress shirt, that's new too. The tie most likely came from a wedding reception's trash bin and probably had the Best Man's vomit on it. The accessories, now those were all scavenged from a stink can. The frame for his glasses would have come from the trash, maybe the lenses too. He has a tight bracelet on one wrist that looks like it's cutting off his circulation. That was definitely taken out of the garbage. On his other hand, he's wearing an onyx ring. That ring, plus the watch he's wearing, were probably hurled into an Indian Casino dumpster by a furious, red-faced drunk who just lost his house on a Super Bowl bet. We can't see the wallet that Whaley's sitting on, but that came from the drunk too. It contained no money, only a bunch of expired, losing lottery tickets. Now it belongs to the Junk Man.

"Gud vork mein students! Now ve vill burn BOOKS!"

Jim plays his trump card. If he can't stop the Junk Man real-time, he'll fix him in editing. Whaley tells a story about a crazy lady who invited him to lunch to pick his brain. The story ends abruptly with faked, archived applause from the audience, then moves right into a Jim Bakker commercial. I don't think I've ever been so happy to see a commercial from Jim. It's a Silver Sol commercial, with a very happy sounding Kevin Shorey doing the voice over.

Click here to read the finale of Jim Bakker scribbles on Zach, talks junk with Bill Whaley.