Jim Bakker scribbles on Zach, talks junk with Bill Whaley part 1

"Come here you dumbshit, I'm gonna write on your head."

The last couple weeks in Jim Bakker Show land were spent in the warm, plump arms of the Master's Media kids. Jim was trying really hard to sell us on his fake college, and to do so he needed to show off the talent that he churns out. Or put more correctly, lack of talent. The kids are just as dumb as when they first enrolled, maybe even dumber. Are there any entrance requirements for this fake school besides a tendency towards obesity or, in Nolan's case, malnourishment?

There were a couple highlights though. It turns out that the Mater's Media kids like to put up unfunny introduction videos of themselves on YouTube under the moniker generationNOWiptv. If you haven't seen any of these videos, I feel it is my civic duty to advise you against watching them. Trust me, you're going to want that wasted time back. The videos are, in a word, awful.

Jim's chicken scratch on Zach's forehead

Zach Drew, the meatball-brained Master's Media student extraordinaire who can't seem to graduate, put up his own video in which he referred to himself as the 'Bossman'. Big mistake, Zach. There's only one bossman at Morningside, and that's Jim Bakker. You've been hanging out there for a couple years now...have you still not figured this out?

Well, Jim saw fit to put the 'Boss Man' in his place with a little public humiliation, as if life as a fat kid hasn't been humiliating enough. In what appeared to be a scripted piece, Jim took out a sharpie and wrote on Zach's forehead. Yes, you read that correctly. He wrote on Zach's forehead with a permanent marker. What did Jim write? He wrote the mark of the beast, '666', though for most readers it probably appears as 'DUNCE'.

Jim Bakker feeling big and strong in his platform shoes

Scripted or not, this is a very public shaming. If your child came home from school one day with something written on their forehead in ink, you would go to the school and ask the teacher if they were out of their effin' mind, then proceed to kick their ass. Forehead writing is unacceptable behavior among humans. Unless your Jim Bakker, that is. For Jim Bakker, it's ministry.

As I've said before, Jim loves emasculating men. The reason for that was also shown during these Master's Media episodes, over and over and from multiple angles. Jim Bakker was wearing platform shoes to hide his true height, or should I say, shortness. These bad-boys made it look like Jim went and strapped soup cans underneath his loafers, and we were treated to some real good shots of Jim clodding around on stage in those suckers to show everyone how tall and imposing the real bossman is.

Bakker clonks around heel-to-toe on stage

A few times he sat on the edge of the table while speaking to convey a more casual tone, and we could see the weight of the shoes pulling down on his feet as his fat little legs dangled in mid-air. Like an astronaut wearing moonboots, every step Jim took on stage was a calculated heel-to-toe move to prevent trips or falls. The last thing Jim's weak-hearted zombies need to see is their short-statured Zombie Master frantically wheeling his arms around to maintain balance, then taking a nosedive on stage. I'll bet those things added at least four inches to the Frog King, but even with that extra height Jim's still not breaking into six foot land. At least he can take comfort in knowing that he's the World's Longest Frog.

Thankfully, we're done with the monotonous Master's Media episodes and are back to real live guests. I'm actually excited to see what's up next. Come on Jim you lying snake, give us some action!

Fat-legged inbred with cup sits in awe of Jim's Golden Calf

Jim delivers an energetic show opening, with the Morningside Strangler hitting a guitar chord slide, pee-yow! Now we see video of Jim's Golden Calf. Jim has the 15-foot monster dolled up with red carpet at the base and velvet ropes securing the perimeter to keep potential gropers at bay. That statue has been fondled enough already, the last thing Bakker wants now is some disgusting, greasy-fingered inbred going up and palming it. The perimeter ropes send a clear message: Hands off the Idol. If you'd like to pray to it, take a seat next to the fat guy sitting over in the corner. Yes, like flies to shit, we see that the Idol has already attracted an inbred. The video quality is poor so all I can make out are a bald head, fat thighs, and a white cup that's filled with either chocolate milk or hard liquor. Go join him, he won't bite!

A full-grown Shorey in mid-buck

We're still in the intro and oh man, there's a new clip of Kevin Shorey singing and it looks like he's having a heart attack. I don't know what episode they pulled this from but it looks like a winner. Shorey is really chomping down hard on his bit as he bucks to and fro like a bull in a pen. You don't have to be this fat, Kevin. You can even be skinny if you really want to. The choice is yours to make.

Zach has the announcing duties today and brings us out of the intro and into the show. He successfully scraped off a few layers of skin from his forehead, as it's now clean and shiny with no evidence of Jim's handiwork. Jim's wearing his motorcycle jacket again, I think he's worn this one once before. It would look much better on a man 50 years younger. On Jim, it sucks. It has pockets and zippers everywhere and it's probably full of bribe money in case he gets arrested again.

Jim Bakker keeps his eyes peeled for the Feds

Jim introduces his guest for the day, garbage scavenger Bill Whaley. Jim starts the introduction off by cracking a joke about the man's age, telling us he was a pilot in World War One. That's Jim's little way of setting the tone, letting Mr Whaley know who's in charge here. One of these days I want one of the guests to reciprocate with Jim and make a joke about his age. Let's see how Jim reacts. Ooh no, I have a better idea: Let's have a guest make fun of Jim's height.

With the tone set, Bakker tells us that Whaley was a helicopter pilot in the Vietnam War and that he met him at a survival expo. He goes by the nickname 'The Junk Man' because he 'creates things from junk'. It sounds to me like Whaley is just going to take little pieces of junk and assemble them into larger pieces of junk that whirls, flashes or clicks. But let's wait and see what happens, maybe he'll knock my socks off...then use them to create mittens.

Junk Man Bill Whaley smells a snake in his midst

For his part, Whaley doesn't look comfortable seated next to Bakker. He sorta looks like he got talked into this by his wife. As Jim talks him up, Whaley stares out into nowhere and rubs the arms of the chair he's sitting in. Oh boy Bill, if you didn't know who Jim Bakker was before you agreed to go on his show, you're definitely gonna know who he is once he starts rolling that 9/11 footage to scare the zombies into submission.

Bakker introduces Whaley's wife in the audience. She's missing a corner tooth and claims that she's a an active 'dumpster diver'. 'Dumpster Diving' is what stinky, smelly bums do when they're looking for a moldy snack to help them shake through their alcohol withdrawals.

Bill Whaley's dumpster diving wife is missing a tooth

I can't imagine why this woman would feel compelled to dive into a dumpster. After all, things are thrown into the garbage for a reason. I can sympathize with a person not wanting to be wasteful, but when you're sifting through someone else's garbage to find something of value, there's probably something not quite right with you upstairs.

She announces her big dumpster find: A gold-trimmed glass dish of unknown pedigree which she stole out of someone's garbage and is now using to hold butter, sugar and salt on the kitchen table. How many handfuls of rotten banana peels do you think she grabbed before stumbling onto this piece of inbred treasure? Ma'am, that's garbage and it was probably used as a dish for car keys and loose change in it's previous life. Let it go...let it go.

Court Jester Shorey laughing at himself

Now Jim points his attention towards Morningside's very own Court Jester, Kevin Shorey. He asks Kevin, “would you like to dumpster dive or anything?” Kevin immediately jumps on his chance to self-deprecate, saying he'll 'put on his goggles and dive on in'. Then he fake laughs, but since it's a fake laugh about a joke insulting himself, the laughter actually sounds a little bit like hurt and sadness expressing itself. Kevin has to take those jokes like a man on stage, but you know the guy is going home every night and drowning his sorrows in a big plate of food. Now here's Bakker at the start of the show, making fun of him some more. Come on Kevin, next time Jim makes a comment like that just look him square in the eye and say, “How about you Jim...would you like to dumpster dive?” Stand up for yourself man! And get the hell outta there, you can do much better than Jim Bakker!

Jim gives a quick camera pan of the garbage assembled on his coffee table, garbage that the Junk Man is going to turn into inbred treasure. Oh, it's gonna turn into treasure alright Junk Man, but not for you. The treasure will be going to that frog-lookin fella seated off to your right who's gonna be selling space food, miracle ointments, and other such nonsense...and he's gonna use your good name to do it.

Jim name-drops Whitney to try and legitimize himself

Time for Jim to name-drop. Whitney Houston recently died, and like Steve Jobs before her, she's already dead and can't get pissed about Jim Bakker invoking her name on his show. So he drops her name and gives a little sad talk about her. Lori chimes in with her lower-crust wisdom. She said she grew up 'listening to Whitney'. What on earth does this have to do with preaching and gospel? Lori then tells us that she loved Whitney Houston. You didn't even know her, Lori, why would you love her? Isn't that called idol worship? Bakker now adds the Winans family name into the conversation, telling us that his 'dear dear friend' Marvin Winans preached the funeral. Can you imagine how excited Lori would've been had she gotten a seat at the funeral to say goodbye to Whitney Houston, the woman she loved but didn't know? I can imagine her thumbing Jim in the gut and telling him to call up Marvin Winans to try and get a seat:

Lori's coked-up idol, Whitney Houston

Jim Bakker calls the Winans Family agent. Lori lurks on a couch in the background, listening intently.

[Jim Bakker] “Hi, this is Jim Bakker. So sorry to hear about Whitney. Hey do you guys have any more seats for the funeral?”

[Winans Family agent] “Jim who?”

[Jim Bakker] “Jim Bakker. I'm a friend of Marvin Winans.”

[Winans Family Agent] “Hold on.”

The agent shouts into the background:

[Agent] “Hey Marvin, you know some guy named Jim Bakker?”

[muffled response]

Houston's formerly coked-up worshiper, Lori Bakker

[Agent] “Marvin says he don't know no Jim Bakker.”

[JB] “Of course he does! Tell him I'm a preacher.”

The agent shouts into the background again:

[Agent] “He says he's a preacher.”

[muffled laughter]

Lori's voice is heard off-mic through Jim's phone:

[Lori] “Tell him you were popular in the 1980s. Tell him you went to prison!”

[JB] “I was big in the 80s. I went to...”

[click]

[JB] “Hello? Hello? This is Jim Bakker....Hello”?

Lori's voice in distance:

[Lori] “Did you get tickets?

Seated l-r: Nolan, Sasha, Shemp, Ariel

Jim moves the discussion of Whitney Houston over to the dimwitted Master's Media kids on the couch. There's four of them seated there, but one of them sticks out like a sore thumb. Shemp, the cone-headed kid who we first saw months ago, has allowed his hair to grow out unchecked. He's already cursed with a generally unhygienic appearance; now he's got this thick ol' mop sitting atop his head. What is this kid thinking? I know what I'm thinking when I see him: body odor and boogers. Shemp, if you're reading this, let me give you some man-to-man advice since nobody else seems to care enough: Lose the hair. No chick is ever going to take you seriously when you're sporting that thing. In fact, they'll probably laugh. I'm serious. Now go cut your hair, then go to a real school. You'll thank me in five years.

Doc Bakker: "Okay Mr Whaley, now bend over please."

Poor Bill, Jim shows us another shot of him and he looks like a guy sitting in a doctor's office awaiting a rectal exam. He knows it's gonna be unpleasant, but he's already there so there's no going back now. I'm waiting for him to take a deep breath and sigh, then check his watch. Did that dumpster divin' wife set you up on this little sales call today, Bill? Did she bother to look and find out who Jim Bakker was before scheduling you? You smell a rat, don't ya?

Jim asks Kevin about Whitney Houston, and Kevin tells him that “this goes deep..this is really hard.” Lori comes over the top of Kevin each time and agrees that the loss “is a hard one” and a “great loss”. Kevin, don't tell me your worshiping idols too? You don't know this woman, how can her death be a 'hard one' for you? I can see if you were affected this way by someone who really brought kindness and love into the world, but Whitney Houston? A drug-snorting singer with a bum husband who literally ran her life straight into the ground...that's the idol you've chosen to worship? Is Jim's unholy statue of Jesus not a good enough idol for you?

Jim Bakker's Weevil Bucket 10-pack

We're almost ten minutes into the show now, and Jim still hasn't let Bill Whaley start telling us about his scavenging gimmick. Bakker's letting Whaley percolate in the hot seat while he begins selling his Winter Wheat buckets. Jim says he has forty-five hundred buckets of the wheat ready for sale at $100 a pop. Oh that Jim...remember when he told us that the United States was going to run out of grain reserves? Now here he is selling 45 lb buckets of horse feed to his numb-skulls. Why not sell a feedbag with it too Jim? I'd suggest that you include blinders with each bucket of feed, but then I realized that your zombies are already wearing them.

Jim says he guarantees the wheat bucket for forty years. Of one thing, I'm certain: After forty years Jim's Wheat Buckets will have become a Weevil Buckets. Jim tells us that Foodbucket Frank Davis and Jim's warehouse manager Jerry Jones got together to figure out a new sales special for the wheat. The meeting probably went something like this:

Archive photo of the Foodbucket Lizard, Frank Davis

[Frank Davis] “Look, Jerry: I'm not investing in new machinery for the wheat unless I'm guaranteed a certain sales volume from you guys. Business is business, and I gotta make money like everyone else.”

[Jerry Jones] “Don't worry Frank, Jim says he can push the wheat through real heavy for the next couple weeks. He's got a connection in China that'll churn out chintzy wheat grinders on the cheap, then he's gonna package those in with the wheat as a bonus. These dumb old people love stuff that moves and squeaks, you know that. It's like it hypnotizes them or something.”

[Frank Davis] “Alright, well you guys work out some numbers and let me know soon. Don't forget what I said: Volume.”

[Jerry Jones] “Don't worry Frank, Jim will get you volume. Has he let you down yet?”

Jim Bakker's sharpie humbled the Bossman real quick

Bakker throws it over to Zach to announce the special. Zach's looking as fat as ever. I can make out an actual breast on him now, but the on-screen sales graphic obscures the nipple area. Zach announces the new deal: Ten Weevil Buckets, plus the grinder, for $500. According to Zach, this is an additional five-hundred-dollar savings if you buy the package instead of just the individual buckets. Actually, what this tells me is that Bakker's making an additional five-hundred-dollars whenever he sells the ten buckets individually. Do you see how that works, zombies? Jim is not being honest with you, otherwise he would discount the individual buckets and make them just as cheap as the packaged buckets. If Bakker was an honest preacher, he would sell you each bucket for $50, and charge you separately for the grinder. Is Jim Bakker a preacher or salesman? Come on zombies, turn on your brains and think, you can break free of Jim's spell! There has to be something in there somewhere, just try!

Click here to read part two of Jim Bakker scribbles on Zach, talks junk with Bill Whaley.