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Thursday, January 26, 2012

Jim Bakker showcases Godzilla, awful preaching chops

Unfortunately, the Blogger 'autosave' feature resulted in the first part of my post being completely lost. As a creative person and one who takes his work seriously, this really hits me very hard. Please don't let this dampen your reading experience though. For my readers, my desire is to bring you some laughs, and the best comfort I can receive is knowing that I was successful in doing so.

This is part two. Enjoy!

What would George Washington think about you, Jim?
Bakker begins doing something that's rare for him nowadays: preaching. It's actually sort of a quasi-preaching, since everything he tells us ties into sales instead of message. In the past few weeks, I've noticed that the show format has changed around a little bit too. He's now front-loading his show with scary stories and gabbing. Then when he gets to the mid-point of the show, he hits us with custom produced commercials for foodbuckets and everything else in his inbred-friendly arsenal. We'll see how long it lasts.

Pastor Bakker starts his sermon with a lie. He tells us that George "Warshington" as he calls him was sworn into office at 'Ground Zero', what Jim also refers to as '9/11 site'. George Washington was not sworn into office at 'Ground Zero', he was sworn in four blocks away at Federal Hall. Sorry Jim, four blocks is four blocks. However much you want people to believe you so that you can sell your shitty book, the truth is that you're lying. You're lying, purposely, to sell a book. Would Jesus lie to sell a book?

Jim showing off his new bell-bottoms
Now Jim's taking credit after the fact for predicting an earthquake in Japan on December 31st, 1999. There's a lot of earthquakes in Japan, Jim. How about predicting a tornado in Oklahoma, or drought in Africa? Jim tells us that Lori was there when he received this prophesy, as if that actually means something. He adds that God told him on February 23, 2011, that there would be a 9.0 earthquake in Japan. Says who? Says the pastor who just lied to us about where George Washington was sworn in? The last prophesy I heard come out of Jim Bakker's mouth had to do with the United States running out of corn in August 2011. I also heard one about mudslides that were supposed to occur in June 2011. Where are they Jim?

The Godzilla statue, covered to prevent bird poop
I take back what I said about Jim's suit. He just came up in front of the pulpit to yell at people for not paying attention, and I see that his pants aren't cut right. His fat little frog legs are too tight in the thigh, while everything below the knee is bloused out like a bell-bottom. Are those Lori's pants?

While Jim's giving people the business, he gets a laugh out of Lori when Jim tells us that some people pressure us to take drugs. Jim tells us in the same breath that some people pressure us not to take drugs, and Lori laughs even louder. One of the Master's Media students even looks over at her while she's laughing. The camera closes in on Jim but we still hear Lori giggle and sort of apologize quietly. Are you feeling alright Lori? You're only taking those prescription drugs orally right? Just to be clear, you're not supposed to snort that stuff.

Bakker craning neck
Has anyone checked on the Jesus statue outside? What if a bird flies over and poops on it? We're also in the middle of winter now. Are we sure that sucker's not gonna crack and crumble from the cold? That's your baby Jim, you brought the thing into existence so you better take care of it or else you and your followers will have nothing to pray to.

Jim moves to his '#1 word for 2012': Confusion. He rattles off all the synonyms he can find for it and tenuously ties those words to current events. I'm noticing that Jim is really building himself into a frenzy with this. He tells us that there is no world leader, and that the Antichrist is going to step up and become the leader if we're not careful.

"Get Back! Get Back, I'm warning you!"
Does Bakker not realize that the world is made up of individual countries with their own leaders? Why would there be a leader for the entire world...are we negotiating humanity's fate with other planetary bodies? This is absurdity, but don't tell that to Jim because in his current state, he might take a swing at you. I haven't seen him like this in months. He's craning his neck above his collar like a rooster in heat, jutting out his jaw as he speaks. He ends his tirade with a Barney Fife Karate chop combo, hi-Ya!

I stand corrected, he hasn't ended it yet. In fact, I think he might just be getting started. Now he's talking about 'pickers' and 'hoarders'. He's out among the inbreds and he's yelling in their ears. He's so intense that I fear he's actually spitting in their faces when he says his S's and P's (like "Spiritual Picker"). That's nothing new for Jim though, he basically spits in the face of every taxpayer when he doesn't repay the millions he still owes the IRS. And considering that the thousands of people who gave Jim Bakker $1,000 for Heritage time shares received only $6.54 in return when he wrecked it, I'd call that spitting in their face too.

Jim Bakker's out of control!
Bakker stumbles back on stage like the town drunk, ranting and raving. He's literally shouting at the top of his lungs, I think someone needs to go up there and sit him down. He gets near the Master's Media kids for whom he seems to hold so much disdain. and shouts, 'It's confusing!'. When he hits the word 'confusing', his voice suddenly drops to what can best be described as a growl.

Jim Bakker stands on a public street corner in the middle of the city, shouting at passersby. A shop owner, noticing his erratic behavior, calls the police. They arrive.

[Officer Justice] "This is the guy right? Yeah dispatch said it was an old crazy guy with a frog face. That's him."

The officers approach.

Bakker spitting out, 'Spiritual Pickers!'
[Officer Steele] "Hello sir. How are we doing today?"
[Jim Bakker] "It's confusing!!"
[Officer Steele] "Yes sir, I understand. How much have you had to drink today sir?
[Jim Bakker] "Are you even listening!?"
[Officer Justice] "Yeah yeah buddy, we've heard it all before. How 'bout a ride downtown to the soup kitchen huh? Get you showered and shaved?"
[Jim Bakker] "You're hoarders, Spiritual Pickers!" [Jim inadvertently spits in the face of the policemen]

Both officers take Jim down, hard

[Jim Bakker] "Why are you doing this to me!!??"
[Officers Justice] "You did it to yourself buddy."

"It's confusing!!"
Jim circles behind his pulpit and comes out again, this time walking straight-legged and waving his arms fearlessly. Man, the guy is clenching his fists and probably his buttcheeks too because he's really turned up full blast. It looks like that 5-star ministry-paid vacation looks to have hit the spot for ol' Jim because he's got a whole lot of energy right now. Bakker takes a sort of superhero pose just as Kevin Shorey raises an arm in gesture towards someone in the audience, and an edit occurs. A big edit. Uh oh, did someone dare rise to use the restroom in the middle of Jim's rant? Did the noise of a cell phone, vibrating on 'silent mode' in someone's pocket, happen to catch Jim's ear?

We see Jim looking straight into the camera after the edit, probably fresh off barking at some confused old bastard in the audience. He picks up where he left off, this time just a little below full blast.

Jim tells us that God says if we want to be blessed, we have to give. "Don't give to get, just give." Sounds good Jim, so what are you giving? Are you giving us food, or are you charging us for it? How about that book you have that's so important for us all to it free? When is it our time to get from you?

Bakker zeros in on the new girl, clapping her to attention
Now one more edit, and someone must have thrown water on Jim because he appears much calmer. He's talking about a new word, 'Order'. He feels like giving the Master's Media kids some shit, so he tosses it over quickly to them and asks them what Order means. Zach seems to answer as if awoken from a nap. I wonder if Jim's getting tired of Zach just sort of lounging around Morningside now, picking up on the new Mater's Media chicks? In Zach's tiny world, life probably doesn't get much better than this. But Bakker knows he can't just let the giant sloth hang around the girls and eat up all the guest mints forever, especially one with a growing ego.We'll see if Zach lasts the year.

Pizza Rat Nolan
Zach answers for the kids, but Jim ignores the answer and focuses in on the fat black girl sitting next to Pizza Rat Nolan. I don't know her name and I'm not sure that I've even seen her before. But today, she got what might be her only chance up on stage, and now Bakker's staring her down while he's talking. She doesn't know he's approaching her since her eyes are glued to what appears to be the Morningside Cafe breakfast menu? Bakker claps two times to get her attention, and she snaps back to attention. I don't think Pastor Jimmy will be having her back next semester.

Jim's now done three full laps around his pulpit, and the last of the three looks the fastest. Is he vying for pole position at the Morningside 500? Or is he just pacing off how much space he'll need for that 12-ton Godzilla statue, the expensive monument to Bakker vanity?

Jim Bakker fake sobs while bragging about himself
Having hit the 'fear' emotion in his followers, Bakker now presses the 'sympathy' button. He tells them how important it is for them to prepare their storehouses to feed the poor, then he tells us of the thousands of people his crew is feeding through all of his stored food. Jim adds that he doesn't want to brag about this, then through a fake sob he insists that this is 'just business as usual for the church'. It's amazing to see Jim saddened almost to the point of crying, then immediately happy and joyous again while telling us the wonders his food will do for people in the last days. It's almost as if he's purposely dragging us through different emotions to wear us down until we just give him what he wants. Jim would make a killer time-share salesman.

Jerry Jones, manager of high-volume distribution business
What the hell, did Jim just do a story tease? He told us that if we listen to him for the next two days, we'll find out about the hell to come on earth due to food shortages. Then Zach voiced-over with the message, "Don't go away, we'll be right back with a special message from Jim Bakker". Now we're at a commercial starring Jim, Jerry Jones and a woman in yellow who doesn't get to speak. Jerry Jones is a fat guy with a sort of Kermit the Frog voice that Jim calls 'the vice president of our ministry'. The first thing I thought when I heard Jerry speak was that he sounded like a guy who would work in the sales and distribution department of a warehouse. Bakker's grilling him on all the different foodbucket deals on offer, and Jerry reads them right down like a pro. He knows all the dollar amounts, bucket quantities, he even knows how many servings are in each foodbucket deal. Then I realized that the reason Jerry sounds like a guy working and selling from a warehouse is because that is actually his job for Bakker. Jim's basically just running a foodbucket distribution business, and Jerry is the guy that puts cold plastic foodbuckets into almost-cold human hands.

Jim Bakker confused about Confusion
After the commercial break, we're back with Bakker talking about instability. He says, with a straight-face, that the United States is the most unstable of all the nations. He tells us that "the Euro is at the bottom of the world's money." This is all so untrue, Jim is completely talking out of his ass with this. He then gives us his #2 word for 2012: Explosions. He tells us to watch Iran and the Middle East. How stupid must a person be to fall for this crap? Explosions in the Middle this punchline to a joke, Jim? Can't you come up with something better than that?

Right about this time, I figure the bird that just crapped on the Godzilla statue has probably realized it can make a nest in the armpit area. Don't get too comfortable in there little birdy. When Jim's ready to unveil his glorious idol to his followers, your ass is grass. Try Shorey's armpit instead...he's so fat, he'll never even know you're there.

Jim's preaching from his Bible that people who brag do so to hide the truth. He then preaches that the love of money is the root of all evil. Jim better shut his Bible quickly, because everything he's reading is fingering himself as the prime suspect. He just got done bragging about feeding 'thousands' of poor people with his food, and his entire show is devoted to making money through product sales. Will Jim's next Bible verse discuss 15-foot tall graven images?

Another edit. Why does Jim keep editing his message? This time out of the edit, he restarts and yells something incoherent. I hear the words 'God' and 'above all' but aside from that, it's all curling tongues and gnashing teeth spewing from Bakker's mouth. It looks like his mini-seizure derailed his train of thought because now he's in a really strange zone. He's telling us now that the love money is just 'some' of evil. When he says this, he moves his hands in a gesture that makes it look as if he's pleading for his life.

Jim's probably doing a dry run of the case he'll make for his eternal soul when he's standing at the gates of hell. Kevin Shorey seems uneasy with this, he just shifted in his chair and started rocking as if to say, 'I don't want to be here when Jim gets struck by lightning'. Jim turns to Kevin to get his nod of agreement, but Kevin just shakes his head and looks at him, thinking 'You're on your own with that one, bud.' Jim just effectively changed the well-known Bible verse to say that 'money is the root of some evil'. Convenient!

Jim Bakker on the march
Jim needs to bring back guests and get off the pulpit because he's hurting himself more than he's helping. It seems that everything he preaches implicates himself. He tells us, while reaching for his cup of coffee, that he's "seeing too many church people conning each other". He takes a good long drink, then hoarsely adds, "And then you wonder why people don't want to come to your church."  Bakker digs his hypocrisy hole even deeper, "Why would anybody want to go to your church if you're not fair and honest?" Exactly Jim! How fair are you when you're charging people more, much more, than they would pay outside of Morningside for the same product? And honesty? How about opening up your church books for all the 'partners' to see how much money Morningside brings in every year?

Bakker bracing for impact
Jim just slapped himself silly. He's building up to a frenzy again, and he said fighting and arguing within the church makes him want to vomit. Then, to illustrate turning the other cheek, he slapped himself with his own hand. In slow-motion, we see Bakker flinch before the hand hits his face. Now after the slap, he's moving in front of the pulpit again and wagging his tongue around in his mouth while speaking gibberish to make fun of people who have bad things to say about his church. It's disgusting to observe these actions coming from an old man, and I'm beginning to think Jim's getting senile. His behavior is erratic and he's losing his train of thought often. Now he's squeezing his nose to make his voice nasally as he insults those who don't forgive others.

Lori's giggling a lot at this, but again it doesn't seem that Kevin is on-board with it. Shouldn't Jim practice what he preaches, turn the other cheek and forgive those that criticize him? Where in the Bible does it say that a man of God, when confronting his enemies, should wag his tongue in his mouth like a lunatic and hold his nose like a child while making fun of them? Jim's making a fool of himself with the bad preaching and needs to return to the old show format, pronto. Bring Dino out for song and cake, no more of this church charade Jim. You and I both know that this isn't really a church at all...wink wink.

All of these edits are making it difficult to follow Jim. This is more like a 'Hypocrisy Jim's Greatest Hits' film reel than a sermon. I wish I knew what was going on between the edits. Maybe Bakker is giving the stink-eye to a rambunctious toddler's parents, or telling a fountain-seeking child to 'sit your thirsty-ass down until the show is over'? Maybe Kevin Shorey is taking a break to go blow up stall #2, with Lori following closely behind to powder her nose in the ladies room?

Bakker wagging his tongue like a lunatic
Now Jim's back to fear. "What are you going to do when the roving gangs come for your children and you, and your food?" Jim says this is the one question he's asked the most by people. "What happens when the gangs come and want to kill my kids? What can I do?" Bakker, ever the vile snake that he is, tells us that we're gonna find out this year. Why not now, Jim? If you care so deeply about your followers and want to help us out with your message from God, then why don't you tell us immediately instead of requiring us to continue watching throughout the year? Is it because you want to keep your dumb audience glued to their 19" television screens all year long, buying your crap and preparing for the 'roving gangs' that you and I both know will never come? Maybe Lori taught you how crack dealers work: String people along with a little taste here and there to make sure they never leave you or your product. That's exactly what you're doing with your claimed 'message from God'. You are a liar, Jim Bakker, and you know it. God does not speak to you, you speak to yourself.

More tongue-wagging from a senile old man
Bakker reminds us not to miss tomorrow's show, as he has a message that God showed him this week which "is probably the most shocking, the most disturbing information on this subject that you'll ever hear." He says he has to bring it to us. So bring it Jim, what are you waiting for?

Apparently he's waiting for Kevin Shorey to sing first. It seems that Shorey's shitty song is more important to Jim than getting God's important message out to the masses. Kevin's song is as expected, terrible and elementary. He jiggles his jowls during one verse. He opens that big pie hole and grunts out the words, raising his hooves to the sky like a horse spooked by thunder. I see Kevin dressed in those human clothes, and I can't help but think he'd be much more comfortable naked, in a big open field, trotting about on all fours. Instead he's in the 'people room' with Jim, doing tricks for him and being forced to sit on his haunches or stand on his hind legs. Is this really a good fit for you, Kevin? Seriously, why not reconsider your future before it's too late?

A full-grown Shorey stands on its hind legs
After the song, Jim wraps with a prayer in a way I've never seen from a pastor. He reads his prayer like a speech. He even moves his hand along his notes as he 'prays', and gets tongue-tied on a couple words. Wow, well I guess he gets a couple points from God for being prepared...then has every point he's ever earned subtracted into negative territory for being a liar who prays from his notes instead of his heart. But hey, what else can we expect from a ex-con foodbucket salesman fronting as a pastor?

Did I say Jim wrapped with a prayer? Silly me, nope he's wrapping with a push for foodbuckets and books. Why not use this time to give us God's very important message, Jim? Would God approve of you making us wait?

As a final note for my readers, I'm terribly disappointed in losing the first part of my post but I don't have the time or energy to go back and figure out everything I worked on. Some highlights:

Bakker snorts a booger
Jim had airway issues caused by a booger.

This is how circus animals are transported

Jim's graven image, the Godzilla statue, arrived and was unloaded by crane...the same way circus animals are unloaded.

Exodus 20:4 “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth."

How can Pastor Bakker possibly defend buying a 12-ton, 15-foot graven image of Jesus? Did he buy it for his followers to worship and pray to?

Zach's tie can be used to wipe his own ass in a pinch!
Zach's tie was extra long, and looks to have been starched.

Would you trust this man in a Shower House?

Jim unveiled the Morningside Wet N' Wild Showerhouse.

Bakker profiting off September 11
In case you missed it the first time 'round, Jim replayed video of September 11 for us to watch so he could stun our brains with scariness while grabbing a quick $20 out of our pockets. Or $55, if buying The Harbinger DVD set. What a nice guy, that Pastor Bakker.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Rabbi Cahn, plus win/win for Jim Bakker and Philip Cameron

Rabbi Jonathan Cahn needs to wear underwear on his face
It’s the first week of 2012, and it appears that Bakker and his co-conspirators have taken yet another undeserved vacation on the ministry’s dime. Good thing he pre-taped a bunch of episodes to babysit the diaper-wearing crowd while he’s away. Unfortunately for us, those episodes consist of a marathon ramble-session with the World’s Most Annoying Rabbi as he reads scary stories to us all for days on end. It’s mind-numbingly boring and makes me want to smash a giant Matzo cracker over his head and watch it shatter into a million unleavened pieces. More annoying than Rabbi Cahn's rambling is his beard, which looks like pubic hair growing out of his face. If he actually goes out in public sporting that thing, then I suggest he wear underwear on his face for decency because if I see him uncovered, I'm calling the cops. That sucker is obscene.

"Hmm, how can I work these donations for my own benefit?"
If I can stomach watching Rabbi Yawn over multiple days without running through my wall like a cartoon madman, then I’ll try and cover him at a later time. In the meantime, I decided to take a little internet jaunt over to Jim Bakker’s website to see what kind of shenanigans I could uncover. It didn’t take long.

Jim has an entry called ‘Win/Win for Moldova and Missouri’. I clicked it, I read it, I vomited. Papa Smurf tells a tall-tale full of deception that culminates with himself and Philip Cameron pocketing money meant for others. Let me explain.

This food will never reach Moldova.
A few months ago, Jim Bakker had a so-called ‘charity drive’ to raise money for food that would be sent to Cameron’s Moldovan Harem. Wait, let me correct myself. The food wouldn’t be sent to the Harem, it would be sent to Philip Cameron, who probably would have sold it on the Moldovan black market for a potato sack full of roofies. This all occurred on an episode I didn’t cover, but you may recall seeing images in the past few months of a bunch of Morningside dipshits laying hands on a huge block of dehydrated vegan food. This block of food was approximately the size of an RV, and according to Jim it amounted to 13,662 boxes worth of fake food spread out over 23 pallets. That’s a lot of food, and given Jim Bakker’s huge markups, that’s a lot of donated money.

Why is this man trusted with money or orphans?
Now, it’s important to note that the donated money did not actually buy this food. The food was donated by Food for Health’s Lizard-In-Chief, Frank Davis. According to Snake Bakker, the food was donated in an amount equal to the money raised through donations. So we have two things going on here. A boatload of money donated by Bakker’s loyal inbreds to buy food for Moldovan orphans, and an equivalent amount of food donated as a tax write-off by good ol’ Lizard Lips.

In the normal world outside of Morningside, when people give money to charity, they are usually met with matching gifts by companies. In other words, the money given by Bakker’s simpletons should have been converted to food, then Fly-Eatin’ Frank Davis would scurry in and match the purchased food with his own donated food. To explain it in Jim Bakker terms, it should have been a 2-for-1 offer.

Or, perhaps the donated food money would have been sent, in it's entirety, to actually buy food in Moldova for the orphans. There would be no need for Frank Davis to be involved, just raise the money, send it over, and all the kids get to eat while the Moldovan economy receives a boost from charitable Christian giving.

This isn’t what happened, and as you’ll see, the dirty hands of Bakker and Cameron seem to have worked this gimmick to their own benefit.

Foodbucket Frank donated 13,000 cases of food to Bakker
Reading further, we hear that Jim Bakker and Philip Cameron tried their best to get this dehydrated vegan quack food to Flip’s Moldova girls, but due to ‘issues with customs’ they could not ship it there. That’s a pretty lame story Jim. After all, isn’t Philip Cameron the guy who claimed months ago to hobnob with Moldovan government officials, going on tours of Moldovan wineries and making demands for his orphanage? Isn’t he the big shot in that little country, the sleazy Scottish pimp with the overflowing wallet that collects up orphaned girls and places them in brand new buildings for his own personal use? And he can’t accept shipment of food?

So now, according to Jim Bakker, the food cannot be shipped. Again I should make this clear: There are two large piles here: One pile of money, and one pile of food. Actually there is a third pile, the big pile of shit that is Jim Bakker and Philip Cameron mashed together, but I don’t want to confuse anyone so we’ll stick with the two.

Philip Cameron with his soon-to-be-hungry orphan girls
Given the so-called impossibility of shipping this food to Moldova, the Bearded Dragon decided that he would keep the food for himself. Yes you read that correctly, Bakker has now taken the donated food for his own use. He has decided to generate goodwill for himself in Blue Eye, MO, by providing food to anyone who has a need. A quick internet search shows that Blue Eye, MO has only 1,969 people living there, so I don’t see much need for thirteen-thousand cases of fake food. The Snake also plans to distribute it to his very own food pantry and into the surrounding communities. Will that plan work out as well as your plan to distribute food to Moldova, Jim? I think you’re full of crap, and I think your plan is and always was to distribute the food to yourself. That’s one plan that never seems to fail.

This dipshit willingly gave money to Jim Bakker
Oh, and the money donated by Morningside dimwits to send food to Philip Cameron’s Moldovan girls? Bakker has generously decided to send the funds that would have paid the shipping costs to the poor, starving Moldovan girls. Or put more correctly, he’s decided to give the ‘shipping cost’ money to Philip Cameron, who will do with it as he sees fit. "Pardon me ma'am, how do you say ‘hookers and cocaine’ in Moldovan"?

But wait, there’s more! I don’t recall how much Jim sells this PlantPure food for, but a quick internet search shows it priced at $25-$45 a case. If I take the middle price ($35), and multiply it by the amount of food that was donated to Jim (13,662), I get a whopping $478,170. This is the estimated amount of money that was donated to Jim, which was then matched in food by Food for Health. I’d love to know the real dollar amount, but since Jim Bakker doesn’t like transparency in his ministry and refuses to show his ‘ministry partners’ how much money flies in and out of that place, all we can do is guess.

Why not just run an orphanage in the US, Mr Cameron?
Considering that it costs less than $10,000 to ship a car to Europe, how much could it possibly cost to ship twenty-three measly pallets of food to Moldova? This is a very important question, because it determines how much money was left over from the chump change ‘shipping costs’ payment Jim Bakker sent overseas to Philip Cameron. Since Jim admittedly sent only an amount equal to the shipping cost, how much remained? And of what remained, where did it go? Did Jim need to pay off another church secretary?

Jim makes no mention at all of this glaring financial discrepancy. He makes it sound as if he gave away all the money to the orphans in Moldova, but we can see that this isn’t very likely to be true given the amount of money involved; it doesn't cost half a million dollars to ship a few pallets of food overseas. So the question becomes, where did this money go?

Care to answer that one, Pastor Jim?