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Monday, December 26, 2011

Jim Bakker Show 2011 Wrap-up: The Scammys

Jim Bakker squealing like a pig after a successful 2011
It's been a long, prosperous 2011 for the Jim Bakker Show. Disasters, foreign and domestic, have been pounced upon by King Bakker in order to exploit the fears of naive people and get their money flowing into his castle at Morningside. Has anyone actually had to use a foodbucket yet? Nope. Have any super-grannies used their parachute wristbands to yank a doomed child out of a swollen, fast-moving river? Not a one. But that doesn't matter, because they're prepared! And they'll be even more prepared next year, when Bakker starts up a new round of overpriced offerings that serve only one purpose: To make money for Jim.

But before that new sales year begins, let's reflect back on the Jim Bakker Show in 2011 as we inaugurate the first ever Scammy Awards.

Bakker's Mississippi 'fill bottle'
Best Switcharoo
The 2011 Scammy Award for Best Switcharoo goes to Jim Bakker for his stellar sales-work on the Mississippi River with Bishop Ron Webb. Bakker says he was on location in flood-ravaged areas to provide assistance to victims affected by the disaster. In reality, Bakker was on location so he could trick his viewers into thinking that he's a man of the people who works to help them improve their lives. If Bakker cared to help people, he wouldn't charge them hefty markups to buy his garbage products. He wouldn't insist on having cameras covering his every move. And, he wouldn't fill a water bottle with water taken from the Mississippi River, then switch it with a 'clean' bottle before drinking from it. A man of the people doesn't do that, but that's what Jim did.

Bakker's Mississippi 'drink bottle'
Any viewer with two brain cells can clearly see that Jim has two different bottles at his disposal: one with black tape and one without. The one with black tape is dunked into the the dirty, filthy Mississippi River, for drinking. The crew cuts, gives Jim the un-taped bottle full of clean and crisp Evian Spring Water, and we roll tape again. Bakker takes a long swig, declares the water purely delicious, and we sell thousands of them. Simple and effective, yet dishonest to the core. Congratulations Jim Bakker, you are the recipient of this year's Scammy Award for Best Switcharoo. Keep up the good work!

Biggest Waste of Inbred 'Dollurs'
Jim Bakker dwarfed by a Foodbucket Pyramid
Jim seems to sell just about everything that's offered to him at a discount, and once in awhile he really flies off his rocker and ends up pricing these things out of poor man's territory. The $250 foodbucket 'Inbred Special' has pretty much become the norm now for Jim. Prior to the foodbuckets, I seem to recall that his modus operandi was that of a cheap jewelry salesman. But it's becoming a little more common nowadays to see Bakker toeing the water in the big boy pool to see how much people are willing to cough-up. We've seen $1,000 trinkets like the Film Camera paperweight that looked like it was made out of spare plumbing parts. Most Builder's Club or Legacy Club memberships will run you $1,000 as well. Buying either of these probably nets the buyer dinner with, or a phone call from, an oddly congratulatory Jim Bakker as he welcomes you into 'The Club'. But this year we saw one product outshine them all in sheer greed, while simultaneously blinding us with it's hideousness: The $10,000 dollar statue of a Godzilla-sized Jesus.

Jim Bakker sold the Golden Calf
Even today, the details are sketchy for me. Was the purchaser actually receiving a giant statue delivered to their doorstep, or was it just a statue for Jim's own personal use? And if it was a statue just for Jim, how much did it cost in total if multiple people could donate ten grand? For all the confusion about the details, there was one thing very clear: The price. Ten-thousand smackaroos. Little do these numbskulls realize that it comes with an added bonus: It earns the buyer the eternal ire of the man himself, Jesus Christ.

Because you know what Jesus really enjoys more than anything else? Some dumb inbred giving $10,000 to Jim Bakker for a graven image of Him. It's probably more ethical to simply burn the money to ashes than send it to The Snake. What on earth has Jim Bakker done to deserve that money, exactly? Are you rewarding him for breaking rocks on the prison work crew? You should be ashamed of yourself, whoever you are.

The Scammy for Biggest Waste of Inbred 'Dollurs' goes to Jim Bakker's Jesus statue. You're going to hell for that one, Jim.

Best Kiss (of a girl's hand who is not your daughter)
Philip Cameron with his Moldovan Harem
Hands-down, this year's award for Best Kiss on Christian Television goes to Jim Bakker's favorite fat-and-horny Scotsman, Philip Cameron. Sometime in the September-October time frame, Bakker aired a few days of Philip Cameron episodes while Flip Cameron was in town to pick up another truckload of Morningside money. I wasn't able to watch the episodes completely through without a very real risk of vomiting, but I decided to snap a few pictures of what I thought was highly inappropriate behavior coming from Cameron towards a young orphan girl from Moldova. This proved timely, as I can now award Philip Cameron his 2011 Scammy award for Best Kiss (of a girl's hand who is not your daughter).

A sly-eyed Philip Cameron preparing to plant one
[Prosecutor] And what was Mr Cameron wearing at the time of the inappropriate behavior?
[Me] He was wearing a blue blazer with his shirt open at the collar. I remember it clearly because I thought to myself that it looked like he was dressed up for a date. Oh, he also wore a gold watch. Like I said, I thought he was on a date.

Cameron was making a big hoo-haw about this poor girl's fingers having been cut off in an accident, and how self-conscious it made her. He then proceeded to display her hand for the entire American television viewing public to see.
You're an asshole, Philip Cameron
[Prosecutor] Did you think that was right?
[Me] Showing this poor girl's hand to the camera? Hell no it wasn't right, she's self-conscious about it! How about we strip Cameron's fat ass naked and show off his little pecker to the camera? Let's find out what he's self-conscious about, then display it for the whole world to see.

Your creepy actions do not go unnoticed, Flip.

Philip Cameron then leans in and kisses this girl's hand. I think even Jim and Lori were shocked by the vulgarity of it. It was disgusting, it looked like he was proposing to her. Then he told us, with a smile, that kissing a woman's hand is the most tender thing you can do in Moldovan society. Dude, that's not a woman, that's a girl who is an orphan and is most definitely not your daughter! Why are you kissing her hand you friggin' weirdo?
[Prosecutor] How did that make you feel?
[Me] It made want to kick him in the nuts. From behind.
[Prosecutor] Do you see Mr Cameron in the courtroom today?
[Me, pointing] Yeah, he's that big fat slob sitting right there. The one with the molester stare.

Like the fox guarding the henhouse, Philip Cameron assures us that he's keeping an eye on his Moldovan orphans and keeping them out of trouble. But who's watching Philip Cameron?

Congratulations on your 2011 Scammy award, Philip Cameron. Stay outta trouble big guy.

Most Shocking Clothing Choice by a 71-year old man
Jim Bakker preparing to sand off old paint
Jim Bakker is a human chameleon. We've seen him wearing both galoshes and waders while standing in water and reminding us to 'Be Prepared'. During the 'Danger Bakker' episodes back in May, Jim was on location in turnado town, rummaging through peoples' wrecked homes while wearing a cheap breathing mask like a house painter preparing to sand his work. Was it eye-catching, yes. Necessary? Probably not. But Jim, as we all know, doesn't worry about things like 'necessity'. He just wants your money,and he's prepared to dress obnoxiously if doing so falls into the current sales-week's job requirement.

Is Jim pissing his pants?
Fast-forward to June-July shows, and we see clips of Bakker cuttin' a rug in an electric blue blazer, contrasting loudly with a red shirt underneath. If we were wearing 80s era red-and-blue 3D glasses, Jim would have appeared three-dimensional to us and boy it wouldn't have been pretty...they showed a little bit of his dancing to us, and he just sort of bobbed up and down with his knees turned inwards like a kid that's gonna pee his pants with excitement.

But nothing to date has beaten what was witnessed just this past week. For this year's Christmas Show, Jim apparently opened his present early and wore it to a taping to surprise everyone. I'm not sure that Jim opened the right gift though, because the jacket looks a little more like something one of his daughter's would have bought for their young Goth boyfriend than something Lori bought for old Gramps.

Captain Corset arrives to save the day
It's an incredible jacket, something right out of a movie, if that movie were about a bellhop who becomes a SuperHero, goes back in time to serve as a Civil War General, dies, and is reborn as Michael Jackson. That Superhero's name: Captain Corset. But this isn't a movie, it's reality, and on a 71-year old man, the jacket is startlingly out of place. How did it come into Jim's possession? I find it hard to believe that a shop exists in Branson which sells this coat, it's far too cool. This is not something you find at Walmart, I don't even think it's something a person should wear in public: It's Rock Star gear, something the band wears at a concert. Say what I will about the coat though, I can't deny that it certainly sends a message to everyone at Morningside about just who is in charge here. "Jim Bakker's in charge here, that's why Jim Bakker's wearing this here coat!"

Because this coat is so grand, I don't think we'll ever see it worn again. It's his full Class A uniform, something worn mostly for parades and inspections. At year end, Jim has his own parade of sorts as he trots out all the people who worship and support him. And like any good Field Marshal, he inspects his paraded subjects for signs of disloyalty or protest, ferreting them out and sending them packing once another dumb schmuck becomes available for less.

For sheer rarity, Jim's Superhero jacket wins this year's Scammy for Most Eye-Catching Clothing Choice by Jim Bakker. Great choice Captain Corset, now go catch some criminals!

Biggest Crock of Shit
"I ever tell you about the time I parachuted into 'Nam?"
Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! That's Superman's celebrated intro, and it may as well be fake Dr Larry Bates' intro, too. This guy knows it all, does it all, he makes things happen...all in his own mind. The latest news reports have this fat twerp's company ripping people off for thousands of dollars in gold and silver coins, but that doesn't deter Jim Bakker from having him on the show one bit. You see, Larry talks a really good game of bullshit, and he'll look you square in the eye while he does it. Is he ugly? Yes. Short? Yes. He's also fat. But most importantly, he's the winner of the 2011 Scammy Award for Biggest Crock of Shit. Larry portrays himself as an expert on all things, which probably includes masturbation given the ugly face he was cursed with. Hey Larry, how about staying off Bakker's show until you deliver those coins people ordered? Then go flush yourself down the toilet and go back where you belong.

Best Phony Jim Bakker Prophecy
Jim Bakker sowing fear
In the 'Why Won't This Got-Dang Prophecy Come True" category, we have multiple nominees to choose from. Snake Bakker, probably banking on a strong Bengali monsoon season, prophesied in May about mudslides and his dreaded but fun-to-say 'June En-tomb-ment'...then nothing happened. Was God wrong about 'June Entombments', or was Jim Bakker just making it up to sell product?

God's prophecy to Jim: "Jobs Died"
 He also presented a very odd past-and-future prophesy, whereby he declared upon Steve Job's death that God told him the death was prophetic because 'Jobs are dying'. To illustrate the prophecy, Jim showed a headline which read 'Jobs Dies'. The deception alarm whooped loudly in my brain when I read that, as I suspect the 'headline' was entered by a Master's Media student, making Jim's headline a fraud. No respectable journalist would refer to 'Steve Jobs' as 'Jobs', especially upon the man's death. When Jim Bakker's earthly world ends, will the headlines read 'Bakker Dies'? Of course not. They'll read, "Jim Bakker dies; all property confiscated". Or something like that.

Jim Bakker peddles fear, worry, fright, and terror.
And we'll never, ever forget Bakker's claim that 'the nation will run out of corn in August', especially when seeing delicious corn on the cob being served daily at any local Kenny Roger's Roasters (or similar country buffet). Bakker's corn prophecy even came sourced from two different entities: Jesus and Dr Larry Bates. But the big corn prophecy was not to be, leading some people, or at least myself, to consider Bakker an outright liar who pretends to hear from God in order to inflate his own bank account. And what a dilemma Jim's placed us in with his prophecy of food riots in 2012...I'll call bullshit on that one right now, but I very well can't give him a Scammy in advance for it.

Food riots are coming in 2012, says Jim Bakker
I've changed my mind. Because I am confident, so very confident, that Jim Bakker is a false prophet who lies at will about all things Godly, I'm awarding the Scammy for Best Phoney Jim Bakker Prophecy for Jim's bullshit prediction of food riots in 2012. Call it my very own prophecy. I don't know what it is, something just tells me that Bakker's full of crap when he makes predictions which coincidentally tie-in directly to the items he's selling that day.

'Be PREPARED! Buy my foodbuckets NOW!'
Are you a Bakker zombie who believes everything Jim says is true? Why don't you come out on record and say so, so I can point you back here next year when Bakker's phony prophecies are, once again, shown to be false. There's no problem if you're wrong, after all that's how people learn. You might even thank me for waking you up and out of your Bakker daze to see the truth. Trust me, you don't want to be nominated for next year's award for Most Amusing Inbred.

Most Amusing Inbred
Cross a beaver with the town drunk...
Two eyes, a couple'a teeth, and a burning desire to please their Lord, Jim Bakker. That's the basic composition of a Jim Bakker inbred. But these aren't just any inbreds. They're zombie inbreds: Brainless, smelly and mean old cusses. Asking me to pick the inbred that makes me chuckle most is like asking me to pick which episode of Three's Company is my favorite. The answer is all of the above. Remember that ugly critter that looked like the end result of an inter-species love affair between a drunk, lusty inbred and a sexually-adventurous beaver? And what about the lonely female inbred with the crooked mouth who listened dully to Jim Bakker as he worked her over with his sales pitch?

This woman is a disgrace to the human race.
We once had a normal-looking-on-the-outside inbred male who slurped down a spoonful of foodbucket slop while maintaining eye contact with Jim? This man's obedience to Bakker while eating was legendary...eyes trained on Jim like a dog on his master, he swallowed down that foodbucket slop and didn't even blink.

Bakker should just run an entire show profiling his inbreds, then declare to us, "If you look like, or want to look like, one of my fabulous specimens, order now!" It's almost a 'chicken or egg' question. Did Jim Bakker spawn all these animals, or did they spawn Jim?

'I'ma get me summa that Jim Bakker stew...Whooo boy!'
I like to think that they all hatched from the same large, rotten egg. Maybe toxic waste or radioactive material leeched into ground water somewhere near the Ozarks, eventually bubbling to the surface in a dark, stinky swamp used by brothers, sisters and cousins as a love jacuzzi. From there apparently all hell broke loose, giving us creatures like the color-blind inbred with long greasy hair and a corn kernel smile, and the cross-eyed stinker with the bowl-haircut and dual sex organs. I mean really, how else can this be explained if not by some horrible bastardization of nature? Is this a government experiment gone wrong?

"P.U.! You are a stinker!"
They are all spectacular to observe in their natural element. The Ozarks breeds some fine specimens, and they all seem to crawl down from the mountains and into Jim Bakker's la-la land. Are they tame? Do they carry fleas? Is their meat safe to eat? My list of questions literally extends into the hundreds. Do they sleep standing up? Are they egg-laying creatures, or do they give live birth? I think the only right thing to do here is to declare all Bakker zombies winners of the 2011 Scammy award for Most Amusing Inbred. Lord knows they need some winning in their lives.

Fattest Person on the Jim Bakker Show
"Eating again, eh Shorey?"
Making a thunderous splash for the third year in a row, Kevin Shorey easily wins the 2011 award for Fattest Person on the Jim Bakker Show. Considering that this is only the first year of the award, one can imagine just how far Shorey outgirths the rest of the field. He had a few challengers to the throne: The obnoxious Zach Drew. The thunder-thighed Elephant which graduated with the Master's Media class of '11. The enormous Bakker Zombie seated in the crowd one day. But one doesn't need a cattle scale to recognize Kevin's pure dominance of the category. To all new prospects, good luck unseating this massive beast. Challengers be damned, because Shorey's ownin' this one for a long time. Or at least until he collapses on-stage from congestive heart failure.

Stupidest Master's Media student
"I'm Zach Drew, and I'm a fat loser now that I sell for Jim."
The year started out with some very strong nominees. We had Mrs Charlotte Wintercorn walking the wrong way during a dance routine. And later in the year, Sasha came on strong with her retarded comments and general blathering. But for 2011, no student beats Zach Drew for sheer stupidity after he recently crossed over to the dark side to stand with Jim. While Mrs Wintercorn may not know her left from her right, she sure knew enough to hightail it outta Morningside and away from Jim Bakker. Zach not only keeps hanging on, he's now turning into a sales shill for Jim. Bakker probably bought this kid's integrity for two Twinkies and a Coke, but boy oh boy is Zach gonna learn the hard way. I hope he enjoys interrogation rooms, because the FBI's gonna be waterboarding him in one after it all comes crashing down for The Snake.

*Disclaimer* If we find out that Sasha is pregnant before the year is up, this prize will default to her.

Most Headache-Inducing Musical Performance
The Two-Headed Snake that is 'Paul Todd'
Do you like headaches? If the answer is a resounding 'Yes!', then have I got the father-son duo for you! They are called Paul Todd, because both of their names are 'Paul Todd'. Which one gets top-billing? I don't know, and I think that's going to cause some major bumpiness down the road in their way-too-close relationship. The son looks like an incarnated Satan. He does the singing and probably considers himself the true showman. The other face of this two-headed snake is the father, also Paul Todd, who looks like an incarnated sheep. This guy is the one packing those fat inbred asses into those narrow Morningside seats. His hair jumps immediately to the viewer's attention, as if to bite them. I don't know what sort of animal is resting atop his head, but I would wager a guess that whatever it is has already died. Why? Because if it were still alive, the music Paul Todd plays would have woken that thing up and caused it to howl, bark or hiss at him. His music is, in a word, intolerable.

Non-artist's rendition of non-musician's music
He thrashes about behind multiple keyboards, arms and legs flying at keys and pedals as if he were having an epileptic seizure. The noise this thrashing produces might be considered torture if used during interrogations. I once took the time to draw a picture of what this noise looks like within my own mind. It's horrible. Nothing complements anything else, there is no balance, it's all just colors added to a page. That is Paul Todd's music. Just random musical notes added to the air, and I use the term 'musical' as lightly as possible. If that shit transmits out of our atmosphere and into space, we are assured that alien life will either avoid visiting our Earth entirely out of fear, or that alien life will certainly come to visit Earth out of anger. The sound produced by the Paul Todd duo simply does not leave room for any middle ground.

What surprises does Jim Bakker have in store for us in 2012? Which new natural disasters will he exploit to sell product? How many prophecies will fail? Will Jim downplay the phony, un-Christian end of the world prediction for Dec 21 2012, or will he mention it incessantly to bully his viewers into buying foodbuckets? Will Zach still be lounging around Morningside, or will he be cast aside like Trystan and everyone else before him? Will Kevin Shorey bulldoze his way into the 400lb realm?

Tune in to the Jim Bakker Show to find out!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Jim Bakker welcomes Kellie Copeland-[Insert Name Here] part 1

A Branson Brothel
The Bakker show intro begins and we see night-time footage taken from outside Morningside. The place is lit up like a brothel...have we stumbled upon Branson's Red Light district? Let's go inside and see if we can find us some whores!

Oh look, here are our two special guests for the day, Dr Stephen Swisher and his snake-eyed wife, Kellie Copeland-Swisher. Whore spotted!

Has Madame Lori discovered the virtues of Opium?
Big fat Kevin Shorey's in the house too. Another whore. The latest Master's Media whores-in-training make an appearance. Resident Eunuch Zach is announcing...without testicles, singing skills or a quick wit, he's mostly a companion whore that makes you feel good about yourself when you enter the premises. And now we're introduced to the proprietors of this sin den, Jim the Pimp and Madame Lori. Whooosh, the Madame looks a little haggard today. Is she in an opium haze, or have all those years of whoring finally caught up with her? In contrast, Jim the Whoremonger looks real fresh...his ladies must have made a lot of money for him last week. Daddy even bought a new jacket and hat for himself...or maybe his bitches bought it for him.

Kellie Copeland with third husband, fifth child
Jim begins the show by introducing the world to Stephen and Kellie Copeland-Swisher. Bakker seems to be talking around things as he introduces them, choosing his words carefully. To understand why, I should probably give you some background on Kellie Copeland-Swisher. First off, what's that last name all about? Well, that's the last name of her husband. This husband, the one that's now present with her on stage. That's important to note, because this is her third husband. Yes, she's been married three times, which means the clock is probably ticking on this one too.

It gets worse. Kellie has two children with her first husband. She has an additional two children with her second husband. And now she has a child with her third husband. Hey New Guy, if you value your marriage then I would suggest not having that second child with Kellie. Call it a hunch.

Super Snake Kenneth Copeland
Kellie's dad is Kenneth Copeland, the scumbag masquerading as a man of God, whose ministry earns 100 million dollars a year preaching the prosperity gospel. Those are the preachers who tell you that if you have enough faith to give them money, Jesus will have enough faith in you to return it 10-times-over. They're like Jim Bakker without the Love Gifts. One of Kenneth Copeland's partners-in-prosperity is named Creflo Dollar...that should tell you all you need to know about the Copeland family.

Dr Stephen Swisher, Sad Sack
So here we are with Jim introducing the couple, and you can tell that he's sort of talking around things and trying to figure out how to explain their story. First, Jim asks the new husband if he loves his mother-in-law and father-in-law. Wow, that's a weird question to ask someone in public. Bakker then tells us that the two love-birds are going to talk about their 'lack of courtship' and 'lack of dating'. Bakker says that some marriages aren't made in heaven, but instead are made 'in a fever'. Wait Jim, wouldn't 'made in a fever' imply a marriage entered into without courtship and the one sitting right in front of you?

Bakker finds relief from this awkwardness in the form of a baby. Kellie and the New Guy's baby, Emily. This baby represents step 1 of 2 towards the ultimate destination of divorce for Swisher-Copeland and the New Guy. Since all of her husbands divorce her after the second child, she's already halfway there.

$20 bucks a ride, but double-divorcees ride free!
The New Guy is an unbelievably sad sack that looks like a camel. His name is Dr Stephen Swisher, and he's ugly. Big goofy eyes, big honker, fatty neck. Hey Mr Camel, I'll give you twenty bucks and some snacks if you let me ride you. Just bend down and fold your forelegs underneath you, then I'll hop on and strap in. We can roam the Sahara together on a quest to find Larry Bates' lost silver coins!

Can you guess who the fake doctor is today? Why, it's none other than the fake Dr Stephen Swisher, proud owner of an honorary degree from Dorchester University in England. What field is his honorary doctorate in? Who cares! The point is that he can add that title to his name when he writes books or gives speeches so people will be deceived into thinking he actually knows what he's talking about. It's sort of the same reason his wife continues to use the Copeland last name. But hey, maybe he does know what he's talking about, I don't know. But if my surgeon had an honorary medical degree, he wouldn't be my surgeon. To be fair though, if my surgeon looked like a camel, he wouldn't be my surgeon either.

Kellie Copeland, Ball Constrictor
Now here I was all prepared to tell you that Kellie Copeland-Swisher looks like a constrictor snake that's preparing to strike out and eat me. The problem is, she's packed on a few pounds since the baby and has lost some of the serpentine lines and edges in her face. She can't hide those deep-set, soulless eyes though. She still looks like a python, she just doesn't give off that dangerous 'I'm going to eat you" vibe now since she appears to have recently devoured something large...maybe she ate her last husband and is still digesting him? Oh my god, maybe she ate them both?

Archive photo of a young Kellie Copeland on the prowl
There's a lot of focus on this damn baby now. I guess that's the sort of thing you focus on when you've been married three times. The Ball Constrictor tells us what a miracle her baby is, that she's perfect in every single way. Will she also grow up to devour her husbands? The Constrictor tells us that it took a year and a half for them to conceive. That sad sack husband nods his head quickly when she says this but I noticed a fleeting look of shame appear momentarily on his face. What's the problem, Dr Camel? Shootin' blanks are ya? Or does your pee-pee get scared every time the Ball Constrictor de-robes, rears its ugly head and hisses at you? Next time, just imagine that you're out on a nice stretch of desert sand, lapping water from an oasis to refill your hump. When the Ball Constrictor approaches to mount you, just tell yourself, "I'm a camel, and she is my jockey." If all else fails, take comfort in knowing that her other two husbands were able to get babies out of her. Two a piece, actually. Now it's your turn with her.

Jim Bakker needs to be bitch-slapped
I'm looking at Bakker right now and I just want to smack him. He's wearing a new 'Morningside' hat that pushes his ears down on both sides, thus making him look like Master Yoda. The left ear, in particular, appears swollen at the top edge and it's bending down obnoxiously into Madame Lori's personal space. She probably wants to grab the thing and tear it off. Lose the hat, Bakker. You're indoors now, no need for a sun shade.

Oh no, Lori just gave us an update on 16-year-old Marie and it's not good. According to Lori, Marie announced that she wants an arranged marriage. Jim drops his jaw for the 'I'm shocked' effect, even though he obviously already knew this. Lori follows his lead, mouth opened wide.

Jim Bakker and Master Yoda: Separated at birth?
While their jaws are dropped, you can see them searching for the cameras with their eyes. Unfortunately, the camera never got a closeup because it would have been spectacular. Marie says she knows that Lori and Jim 'have her best interest at heart', she knows that Jim and Lori 'hear from God', and she's decided that she wants Jim and Lori to 'pick her husband'.

This is terrible, Marie. You couldn't be more wrong about these things. I do believe that Lori is watching out for your best interest; unfortunately, Lori Graham can't even be trusted to watch out for herself. She's had five abortions, was a drug addict, and there's a good chance that she has accepted money for sex at some point in her life. She is certainly, most certainly, not hearing from God, Marie. That's just her own voice in her head, the same voice that advised her to marry an ex-convict and have five abortions. That same voice now tells her that it's alright  to sell $10,000 statues of Jesus and lie to old people to take their money. She may be your quasi-mom-guardian of some sort, but that doesn't mean she should be your role model. Look outside of Morningside for a role model, trust me.

Jim and Lori Bakker acting shocked on-camera
As wrong as you are about Lori, you're even more mistaken about Jailbird Jim. Jim Bakker's only interest is himself. When Lori announced your 'arranged marriage' plans on tv, Jim dropped his mouth on purpose. He didn't 'just hear about it', he knew all along. He acted shocked in order to get all those lame brains in the audience and in tv land excited for his next big thing: Your marriage. Bakker sees you only as a dollar sign, Marie. Don't take it personal, that's how he sees everyone, except maybe his grandson James. Your fake dad, the guy you know as daddy Jim, was ripping people off and serving prison time well before you were born. He cheated on his wife with a lowly church secretary, and then tried to hide the affair by paying her hundreds of thousands of dollars of money given to him from his followers. Jim Bakker knows one thing and one thing only: Money. He does not know honesty, and he does not know integrity. Every move is calculated for profit, and let me tell you something else Marie: He loves it. If you penned him in like a pig and showered dollar bills everywhere, he would squeal and roll around in his own shit just to get close to the money. Every dollar he can pry from some old lady's hands is a dollar for him. Did you know that Jim Bakker once paid over $100 for fresh cinnamon rolls to be brought to his hotel room because he loved the smell of them? Well guess what, daddy Jim didn't love the smell of cinnamon rolls...he loved the smell of the money that paid for those rolls.

Lori Bakker: Do you really think she hears from God?
Jim Bakker does not have your best interest at heart, he has his best interest at heart. As sure as I am that Lori doesn't hear from God, I'm twice as sure that Jim Bakker does not hear from God. Jim only hears from himself, which happens to be mighty convenient for him because Jim Bakker also thinks of himself as God. Jim is an egomaniac, and his zombie followers play right into this. His followers, all those fat-asses you see out in the crowd, don't worship God, they worship Jim. Whatever Jim wants or needs, they oblige. These dummies literally give all their money to Jim Bakker. They move to where he is to be near him. Do you ever wonder why people would pack their bags and move to Morningside, Marie? It's because they love and worship Jim Bakker. Not God. He is their idol, the biblical Golden Frog.

You still have a couple years before your 18th birthday to change your mind. But once you hit 18 years of age, Jim's gonna pimp you right out to whomever he determines to be the most camera-friendly, whichever good-looking kid has the biggest money-making potential for him. He might even demand a dowry. All I can say is that you'd better pray, as hard as you can possibly pray, that Philip Cameron doesn't get a whiff of this. That guy will be at your doorstep tomorrow, wedding ring in one hand, dick in the other.

When Zach's shirt explodes open, we're gonna see man-boobs
Bakker moves from fake daughter Marie's big announcement to more important things: Introducing the new gaggle of Master's Media dupes. Zach Drew is seated in front of them and gets to speak first, since he's the perpetual bonehead of this faux school. Zach looks like he hasn't showered in days, his hair is kinda greasy and he has whiskers growing off his jowels. He's also wearing a button-up shirt that appears ready to explode open at the top button.

Back on the dating theme, Jim and Lori are ribbing Zach about dating for some reason. This isn't friendly ribbing, there's something else going on behind the scenes and it doesn't bode well for Zach. He tries to be diplomatic about things when he remarks that 'Lori always gives her approval or disapproval to anyone I bring to her', to which Lori replies, "You better believe it." Then Lori honks threateningly like a goose guarding its goslings. She also referred to him as 'Zachary' in this exchange. You'd better stop while you're ahead, Zach. Jim and Lori don't seem like the sort of people who would just brush off minor insubordination...especially when it comes from a mediocre fat kid.

Speaking of mediocre fat kids, there's a new one in town and his name's Braydon Rogers.

Click here to proceed to part 2 of Jim Bakker welcoming Kellie Copeland-[Insert Name Here].

Jim Bakker welcomes Kellie Copeland-[Insert Name Here] part 2

This is Part 2. Click here to read part 1 of Jim Bakker welcomes Kellie Copeland-[Insert Name Here].

Does Braydon have a conehead?
Speaking of mediocre fat kids, there's a new one in town and his name's Braydon Rogers. Interesting name he has there, since 'to bray' is to make a harsh, loud cry like a donkey. I wouldn't say Braydon looks like a donkey though, he looks more like a representation of what that braying sound looks like in the flesh. He has the beginnings of a double chin, a smattering of whiskers residing on both chins, and an awful lip-stache. His hair parts awkwardly: not from the side, but not from the middle either. I'd be interested in seeing some baby pictures of this kid because I think he might have a conehead. It could just be the camera angle, but I see a definite point at the top of his head. His dad is the Pastor of Harvest Assembly, a church in the area that is probably looking for some special favors from Jim.

Melody's gummy smile
Next up we have Melody. Jim makes a big fuss about her because she's the token black student this semester. She's wearing enormous disc-shaped earrings and she shows a little too much gum when she smiles, but overall she's pretty normal on the outside. What isn't normal? Her father. He leads the all-black Gloryland Choir and has apparently appeared on Bakker's show before because we're seeing a clip of them performing. This ranks as one of the more disturbing things I've seen on the Jim Bakker Show. The choir is full of children, and they're lead by some lunatic up front that rocks back and forth very, very quickly.

Melody's dad wants to be a star
Let me tell you, this choir is not about the choir, it's about the crazy adult man up front who wants to be a star. Did I tell you that they're all wearing dark gospel robes with gold tassle and frill at the edges? Some of them even get shoulder boards to wear on the robes to signify their greatness. Correction: Only one of them gets shoulder boards, and he's also the only adult man in the bunch. The gold-edged robes, by the way, serve a function: They show us just how quickly this entire mass of choir is dancing. It's unnerving to watch, sort of like the opening ceremony for the 2008 Beijing Olympics...except the Olympic ceremony also had beauty to it. This Gloryland Choir dancing business causes me to shift uncomfortably in my chair, as it makes me think that either an enormous earthquake is occurring, or some unlucky bastard is being cooked in a giant pot of boiling water. After five seconds of that shit, I'm starting to feel seasick. Holy crap, please no more Gloryland Choir ever again. And arrest that guy up front, he's up to no good.

Nolan goes the extra mile for Bakker
Hey hey, Nolan is up next! his is Nolan's second year of wasting money at Master's Media, so you may have seen him before. He looks like one of the rats running Pete's Diner in the movie The Muppets Take Manhattan. Nolan is what a person might call the 'runt of the litter'. I'll bet he gets sick a lot, and he probably has a lot food allergies. He wears a fake diamond stud to complement Bakker's chintzy Jesus dogtags. And he was once forced to swim for Jim Bakker. You heard me right, forced to swim. There was an episode (which I'll cover soon) where Nolan had to demonstrate the survival gear that Jim Bakker was hawking. This task took him to a lake where, if I recall correctly, he floated on a sleeping bag. How do I know he was forced? Because Nolan can't swim. And how do I know he can't swim? Because he told us on that show. I think Jim likes Nolan, the kid goes the extra mile for him.

Nolan and pal cooking up slop in the Morningside Kitchen
Sasha the Bird Whisperer is introduced too, but since this is her second year at the Master's Media she gets to sit in a chair. I didn't think it was possible, but I'm pretty sure Sasha is becoming stupider. She flashes a big cute smile, dimples and all, but nothing of substance exits her mouth. I really think she's as dumb as a rock, and for once I'm thankful that Jim has his expensive fake school for her to call home. If she was left at home alone with her birds, I'm afraid she would accidentally start a fire somehow and burn the house down. I don't care about her house, but I'd hate to hear about a bunch of innocent birds getting incinerated.

Is Sasha getting dumber in 'college'?
The last horribly misguided kid is introduced, a good-looking girl named Ariel. In a concerned tone, Jim asks her twice 'how she's doing'. Did something happen to her that we aren't aware of? Maybe she fell off a ladder while hanging up all those lights on the outside of Morningside? Keeping with the theme of 'local pastors looking for favors from Jim', she is the daughter of some guy named 'Pastor Dale Bowlingball'. That's really how she said his name, and Bakker never flashed a graphic for me to read so that's the name I'm going with.

Dolph and Little Lori
Bakker moves on to a segment showing footage of his other fake daughter's marriage. Little Lori married a hunky-looking fella with the unhunky name, Jasper. He looks a little like a young Dolph Lundgren, but his dad runs the main camera for Bakker's show, so you know there's a lot of oddness going on with his family. A special speech is given by that rascally-rascal with the high-pitched voice and speech impediment, Lloyd Ziegler. He looks to be all of about 5'2", larger than a Chihuahua but definitely smaller than a St Bernard. This little guy is trying his durndest to floor the crowd with references to Thomas Edison and Victrolas, but one can't shake the feeling that he might really just be a tall midget. He has all the signs: short stature, helium voice and spunk bordering on anger. At only 62 inches high, I wonder if he's taller than Kevin Shorey is round? I would advise Mr Ziegler to steer clear of Kellie Constrictor-Copeland...he's just small enough to be considered prey.

Dolph takes Little Lori out for a dance and they nibble cake off each other's fingers. They make their horny getaway in an SUV, and painted on one window are the words, "Honk if you're naked!". Maybe there's hope for Little Lori after all! I mean, she did take a stand and refuse to get married on the show. Keep it up Little Lori, there's hope for you yet!

Enough with the marriage nonsense, Jim Bakker's gotta get back to business. He tells us that in a few weeks, Master's Media will be out of funds. Laughing, he assures us that this is 'no big deal' because "We kinda live on the edge all the time." Do you hear that, you mindless Bakker zombies? Jim Bakker telling us all that he lives on the edge all the time. There's a solution to that: Stop misusing peoples' money. Stop giving Philip Cameron a hundred-thousand dollars per visit for the Moldovan Harem House. Stop building RV parks, bathhouses and swimming pools. The solution to 'living on the edge' is to not live on the edge.

The 'Mater's Media Special'
Bakker's edge-living requires an influx of cash for Master's Media 'scholarships'. Haven't gotten your fill of fat kids dancing? Yearning to send more dim-witted terrors like Frankenzach and Inbred Redford to a school that serves no purpose other than to fill Jim Bakker's staff with unpaid interns? If you do, then Jim's got just the thing for you! Send him fifty bucks towards the scholarship fund, and he'll send you five pieces of obnoxious jewelry that'll turn your skin green and give you a rash. Oh and look, the graphic on the screen is misspelled, I wonder which crack student typed that up? Instead of 'Master's Media Special', it reads 'Mater's Media Special'. This scholarship fund scam is horseshit, it's Jim's own damn school for crying out loud. You're not paying a school, you're paying Jim! Argh!

Sasha calls this 'Classy looking"
One of the gifts is a "Jesus" pin with fake diamonds in it. Bakker laughs and tells us that "Nobody will guess where you stand if you wear that Jesus pin!". Yep you're right Jim, nobody will have to guess when they spot the buffoon who wears that ugly thing in public. It screams 'Ozarks', and identifies the wearer as an inbred. An inbred who purchased it from, and stands with, a serpent named Jim who plays a pastor on tv. It's a badge of dishonor, and anyone who wears it should be ashamed of themselves.

There's another hideous looking piece that Jim pumps up. It's a necklace with a pendant that reads, once again, Jesus. To sell this thing is sacrilege, can't his zombies see that? Sasha calls it "classy looking". Dumb as a rock, I tell ya. Is Master's Media actually causing these kids to devolve? My god, I hope we don't see Zach eating a banana next.

Kellie Copeland's slutty red heels
Jim's throwing in a couple of Kellie Constrictor-Copeland's products with each "Mater's Media Special". One is a worthless dvd where she explains how to have "Eternal, Lasting Romance". Lady, are you out-of-your-fricking mind? You've been married three times, hopping from man to man like you're playing hopscotch. Her second item up for bid is a cd with an image of red slut heels on the cover. Jim says that he doesn't know what is actually on the cd; he probably knows but was distracted by the heels. Are you thinking the same thing I'm thinking, Jim? All three husbands saw her naked in those heels, am I right?

Jim Bakker flashes his forked tongue
Bakker just told us that he believes Zach and the other Master's Media kids are all prophets-in-training. Calling someone a prophet is a pretty serious thing, Jim. Do you have anything to support this claim, or are you just saying this so that people give you money to support your school? Come on Pastor Jim, aren't you lying just a little there? So what if you tell a little lie, they're not smart enough to figure it out anyways, right?

I shoulda known that Bakker was planning something with his repeated use of the word 'prophet', as we get a little prosperity gospel from good ol' Jim Bakker. Jim quotes Matthew 10:41 which apparently tells us:
[Matthew 10:41] "If you sponsor a Master's Media prophet-in-training for Jim Bakker, you will receive all of the money that they make later in life as a return on your investment."
Jimmy, my boy, you never let me down! You, sir, are as dependable as the sunrise. I know that every morning when I turn that tv on, you'll be right there ready to convince me why my money should be yours. What a slithering, disgusting snake you are. Do me a favor and go dunk your big head in a toilet.

Zach has officially stepped over to the Dark Side
Zach has now officially stepped over to the Dark Side. He follows up after Jim, telling us that it's important to know where your money goes. He's really laying it on thick in his new-found arrogance, saying that you can see your money in himself, Sasha, and "everyone on stage!". He's looking right into the camera, pointing at us and really trying to get us excited to give. We need Kevin Shorey back to belly bump this fat twerp off the stage. I hope you enjoy the attention I give you Zach, because you'll be getting more of it now.

In case we didn't understand him the first time, Jailbird Jim reminds us again that if we give him money to support his prophets, we'll be sitting pretty come payday. I thought Jim had renounced the prosperity gospel? Maybe he's feeling the effects of having Kellie Copeland sitting so close to him? She must be carrying the same stink that her dad carries, and it's rubbing off on Jim today.

Jim Bakker casts a spell over his Zombie Army
Bakker says that his second-fattest daughter, Maricela, believes that if it wasn't for Madame Lori guiding her through her teenage years, she wouldn't have been a virgin when she met her husband. Bakker also informs us that her husband, he-of-triangular-nose, was also a virgin when they married. Hate to break it to you kids, but you were still virgins for a reason. It's because one of you is ugly, and the other is fat. Can you guess which is which?

Jim pretends that he just decided to throw in yet another bonus with every purchase of a Master's Media scholarship. Now he's giving us a dvd of Dolph and Lori's wedding. Bakker and the Madame share a laugh when they recount Jim forgetting the wedding ring for Little Lori. Oh I don't think Jim forgot the ring, Lori. I think he dropped it off at a jeweler to have all the diamonds ripped out, then forgot to pick it up before heading to the chapel.

Jim Bakker sells this hunk of junk for $1000
If you fancy yourself a big-spender, Jim tells you that you can buy in for $1000 as a Master's Media Legacy Sponsor. Jim says not to give the money for his cheap love gift, just do it because you love the Lord. Of course, it does come with a love gift for the incredibly-cheap asshole who absolutely must have some Bakker shwag for his money:  A miniature camera on a tripod, with a clock inside. It looks like it was made from the leftover parts in a hardware store clearance bin. I can make out a brass cabinet handle, a toilet arm, and the aerator from a bathroom faucet. Was this thing made at some Blind Vets charity? How could a person even dream up this little trinket?

The Ball Constrictor spots a delicious rat in the corner
With the sales secured for the day, Bakker finally moves on to his guests. The discussion is about how the Ball Constrictor and the Camel met. According to the Constrictor, she was perfectly content being the single, twice-divorced mother of four children. She claims that she was frigid for four years, until the day when one Dr Stephen Swisher caught her eye. They met at some sort of church function, maybe it was payday at the big Copeland church. She said her love didn't come quickly, it took awhile for the Lord to turn her heart over to him. Of course it did Kellie, that's because he's ugly and you're the filthy rich daughter of a phony pastor that fleeces $100 million a year outta people.

How do you spell Swisher? S-A-D  S-A-C-K
Now we hear the Camel's side of the story. I don't know whether he's a dumb schmuck for marrying her, or if he's brilliant for worming his way into her filthy-rich family. What I do know is that he's a big bore. His voice is deep and nasally, courtesy of that big schnozz hanging off his face. And he speaks quickly, so all you really hear is a wave of powerful low-frequency sound rumbling past your ears. He says that he called up the Constrictor and asked her out on a date, she accepted, then she called him back to retract because she was preaching about 'Pure Life' and was telling people that they shouldn't date.

The Camel extends his long-fingered paw
In this exchange, I've learned something else about the Camel. He has hands like claws. His hands are normal size, but his fingers seem to have an extra couple inches on them. Maybe that gives him better traction in sandy environs? Or maybe they function like a snowshoe, dispersing his weight on sand dunes to prevent him from sinking into quicksand?

So now our little love story enters the Twilight Zone. The Ball Constrictor told the Camel that if he could get her home phone number from the Holy Spirit, she would go out with him. He says he started rattling off the number, getting two correct before missing the third "by one digit'. He says that, in less than 5 minutes, he had the whole number figured out. Guess what Dr Swisher, if the Holy Spirit had given you the number, you would have had it two seconds. You wouldn't have missed the third number. Five minutes is an awful long time for grown adults to play a stupid 'guess my phone number' game, don't ya think? Did you just start naming every number at the end until she said yes? Why not just hang-up, ask the Senate Finance Committee that investigated her father for the number, then call her back and knock her socks off in just one try?

"Hello, I'm Satan. What would you like to buy today?"
I'm confident that if the Holy Spirit were going to interact in the lives of two people who were destined to meet, he would provide Jim Bakker's phone number to Special Agent Justice of the FBI instead of giving the Camel's number to Copeland-Constrictor. Consider how much more fruit that marriage would bear to the world? We'd have Jim back in prison, his inbred zombies released back into the wild to guard the Ozarks from the Commies, and an army of enslaved Master's Media kids gaining real employment at Walmart. The Camel / Constrictor marriage, in contrast, is just gonna end up in divorce. Copeland-Swisher has shown herself to be better at divorcing men than marrying them.
[Prison Warden] [answering phone] "Yeah, what's up?"
[Prison Guard] "Hey, Bakker's threatening to hang himself again."
[Warden] "With what? Didn't you already take his shoelaces last week?"
[Guard] "Yeah, but now he's pulled all the elastic out of his waistband."
[Warden] "Does he realize that elastic isn't strong enough to hang himself with?"
[Guard] [laughing] "I tried telling him, but he interrupts me with sobs. In fact when I just came to call you, he latched onto my leg like a little kid and begged me not to go. I think Chester really did a number on him in the upper bunk."
[Warden] [laughing] "And what does Chester have to say about this?"
[Guard] "Well, you know how intense Chester gets when he smells fear in his cellmates? He must smell it on Bakker, because he just gives the guy this wild-eyed look and yells out some sort of crazy-sounding Indian war cry."
[Warden] [laughing] "Well maybe Jimmy Bakker should have thought about this before Jimmy Bakker decided to rip people off in the name of religion?"
[Guard] [laughing] "Yeah, and maybe Jimmy should have thought out the elastic plan before he removed it, because now Jimmy's pants don't stay up and Chester thinks he's flirting with him."

Kellie Copeland devouring her last husband
Now we're at the date, the very thing that the Ball Constrictor swore to never do again. She jokes about all the reasons why her date wasn't really a date. That's not funny, Kellie. If you're preaching one thing but doing another, then you are a hypocrite. Like Jim when he preaches that money will soon be worthless, yet takes money for payment.

The story just sort of ends there, with the Camel going to the Copeland residence to speak to Kenneth and his old bag wife, Gloria. They tell him, in so many words, that they would love to unload their adult daughter on him. We never hear how many more 'dates' this hypocrite goes on with the Camel, but she's given us no reason to think that she stuck by the 'no dating' mantra she preaches.

Copeland looking for her next meal
Bakker ends the show by telling us that we should all let God choose our mates for us. Except if you're his fake-daughter Marie. Then he gets to choose.

Post-show, Jim Bakker plays a five-minute commercial  full of clips of himself begging for more money. Bakker's been doing this a lot lately. He tells us that he needs money to stay on the air, then he fills that air with commercials. Why not just get rid of the entire 'show' and run an hour of commercials, Jim?