Philip Cameron Creepathon continues, Day 3

Philip Cameron - Friend to children

Day 3 of the Creepathon. The show begins and it's Kevin Shorey announcing. I don't know what's going on with him; I have my ideas but I'll save them for later, for now I have a Philip Cameron Creepathon to cover.  The camera pans the crowd and stops to introduce the Morningside house band, a collection of cretins found only in the Ozarks or on The Jim Bakker Show (both of which are essentially the same thing).

The Morningside House Band

On stage it's immediately apparent that Lori is at the helm of today's disaster cruise. She's getting a lot of face time to start, and 2 minutes in she's already hawking Lori's House for a thousand bucks a pop. She talks about abortion, then talks some more about abortion, then mentions 'the mothers and fathers who are victims of abortion'. I'm not sure how that works exactly, but she's way out on a limb here and she's crawling further out on it. She states that 1-out-of-4 women will be victimized by abortion, and I can't help but think that the one woman abortion machine skewed that average since 'she had five of 'em'. Jim's words, not mine.

As Lori continues to ramble, we get a camera shot of Flip Cameron caressing his Moldovan girl's hand. If she were his wife, it would be sweet. She's not his wife, she's not even his daughter...it's creepy.

Bakker is primed to explode

Lori's rambling is nearing the 8 minute mark, Bakker needs to step in with the big cane hook here and yank her off the stage. She's blabbering on and there's really no bang for the buck, time is money for Bakker and there are other big-ticket items Jim wants to sell besides Lori's abortion home. Sure enough, my inner thoughts are realized as we see Bakker with his head resting on his hand. The guy looks like he's about to burst. Lori's gonna get a good finger-wagging after the show from Pastor Jim Bakker.

The Moldovan Masturbator

Boner Cameron chimes in to save the day. He talks a little bit about Moldova and the girls, and mentions that when he first met these orphans they had 'big space alien heads'. When he stops talking he continues to stare at the camera, and the camera continues staring at him. Looks like we have ourselves a standoff, who will flinch first? As the camera stays locked on the slimy Scotsman, his spit-glued lips open partially at one side, delivering an audible smacking noise. Finally the camera pulls away and moves back to Lori for more yapping.

Sexed up Philip Cameron grunting

More creep from Cameron. He tells a story about forcing his in-house Moldovan girl (Dasha) to speak English to him. Late in the story he mentions the girl's frustration in trying to speak English, then he mimics her frustration by clenching his teeth and grunting for about 2 seconds. That's 2 seconds too long for me. This guy is way too sexed up. Remember what I told you earlier this week, stay tuned because it's gonna be creepy? Philip Cameron delivers, every time.

Flip Cameron segues from this story into a far-too-detailed understanding of the world of 'sex slaves', as he calls them. He's building into a sort of frenzy as he describes this underworld, and the creep factor is intensifying as he's giving long, wide-eyed looks into the camera. I'm beginning to think Bakker needs to step in and break this up before the guy explodes.

Philip Cameron in Moldova?

Cameron snaps out of his frenzy and turns to business. He states that his girl would make $350k as a slave and, voila, he needs that same amount to finish building his sex-slave castle in Moldova called 'Stella's House'. As he's making his money pitch, his voice gets this whiny, high-pitch quality to it, complete with the fake crying act. I think he's taking lessons from Bakker.

A close up of either Jesus or Cameron's nipple

We're back to Bakker now and he's making up for all the precious time lost to Lori's blathering. Bam, $10k to help build Boner Cameron's Moldovan orphan castle. Jim's giving us an ugly statue of Jesus for the money. The statue's pose matches my vision of what Philip Cameron would look like when he meets with his Moldovan girls; he's half-dressed with his arms splayed out to his sides. We even get a closeup shot of the statue's nipple...very classy. Bakker says that Kevin knows the sculptor, but he's corrected when Shorey tells him that the sculptor 'lived in the 1800s'. Jim mentions that the guy was 'non-Catholic' and Kevin agrees, so at least he was right about that one.

Trystan Eschete squealing

Lori mentions a beautiful song she's heard Cameron's Moldovan girls sing at the orphanage. Philip gets a smile on his face and points out that one of his other girls used to sing the song with her puppets. Suddenly, a loud shrill voice starts singing off-camera! It's Trystan Eschete, Master's Commission Sucker (2nd year). She's singing poorly and hits a flat note a few times. From the audience, a Morningside inbred gives a hoot in support of the flat. As she sings, she adds a pretentious affect to her voice that screams amateur. This girl has nothing on Kevin Shorey.

When Trystan finishes the Moldovan slave song, Cameron remarks to Jim creepily, "And when is she coming to Moldova?" Whoa, maybe a little love connection occuring here on The Jim Bakker Show?

Day 3 goes on and on, but I'll be damned if it isn't entertaining.

Cameron with potential child bride?

Gasbag Cameron mentiones that his girl Dasha 'turns into a nutcase for Jesus' at the orphanage. He goes off on a tangent about his girls meeting a Pakistani ambassador, 'a Mooslim' as Cameron calls him. Long story short, the Pakistani, his wife, and their assistant all end up in tears after meeting Cameron's 'nutcase for Jesus'. Yeah I bet he's in tears, he's probably horrified that these girls are being brainwashed by Cameron (or worse), and there's nothing he can do about it.

One of Cameron's Moldovan girls

The Creepathon turns its attention to the crack team they have answering the phones. Assembled are Trystan-of-bad-voice, Zach-of-bad-weight, and Sasha, another fat girl who has paid thousands of dollars to be part of the Master's Commission. Kevin Shorey is working the mic behind this gaggle. A proud Zach mentions a love-gift coming in from 'Red Cliff, Alabama'. Kevin quickly corrects him with a "That's Alberta..that's Canadian..Alberta." Bakker consoles Zach by telling him, "Don't worry about how you pronounce them!" Does Jim understand that the difference between Alabama and Alberta is not just pronunciation? They are two different words...hell they're in two different countries.

Trystan being seduced by Cameron

Now it's Trystan's turn to call out some love-gifts, but before she starts she's interrupted by Bakker heaping praise on her poor song performance. Of course, Boner Cameron weighs in by saying, "I love Trystan, she needs to come to Moldova in the next week." The guy is smitten. Trystan responds with a big round smile, and Jim tells her, "You gotta go work there for a month or so".  This elicits a response from Cameron, "A month or so? Oh come on...we'll steal her forever."

Trystan flanked by the Sea of Shorey

Jim continues gushing about Trystan. As the camera shows Trystan accepting praise, she's flanked by a mammoth Kevin Shorey. The guy's a friggin' bear. I thought that maybe these shows were older, but now I'm not sure. He's bigger than I've ever seen him. He's wearing a gigantic blue blazer that literally creates a sea of blue behind Trystan, and his body stretches from one end of my television to the other.

Does Philip Cameron have an erection?

We move away from the phone team and back to Jim, Lori and Boner. Bakker asks Cameron to sing. The guy gets up and as I expected he's a complete load. What I didn't expect was that he'd have an erection. Actually, I suppose I did expect it but didn't think I'd actually see it. But sure enough the guy is fumbling with his pants as he stands, and I spy something creeping around in his pants pocket. I present this evidence to you and I will let you decide.

Morningside pervert glued to camera

Jim and Boner are now standing around a blown-up picture of Lori with an orphan. Bakker starts telling sad orphan stories, then starts reminiscing about the old days with Cameron's parents. He's building up to a big push at the end of the show for money. Jim asks Cameron to dance a jig. They interlock arms, then we get a cut/edit to Jim Bakker Show archival footage from last year of Philip Cameron leading a song and dance routine on stage with his entire harem of Moldovan girls(it appears this was taken from last year's 4th of July festivities at Morningside). It's almost too much information for me to process. There's some weirdo in the crowd with his eyes glued to a video camera eyepiece, then we see Bakker-shill Dr Don Verhulst prancing around with a young boy, and there's a shot of a somewhat-dapper Jim Bakker cutting a rug, but the way he's jerking up and down reminds me of an 8-year old that's gonna pee his pants. It's just, I don't know...it's the Ozarks. A good old-fashioned Ozark boot-burnin'.

Jim Bakker cuttin' a rug

Bakker wraps up by telling everyone, "I would mortgage everything I had" to help Cameron's girls. Cameron sings a song while the graphic on the screen scrolls through the $1000, $3500 and $10,000 love gifts. The show ends with a pre-recorded invitation from Lori to join them all at Morningside for this year's 4th of July festivities.