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Saturday, March 24, 2012

Jim Bakker scribbles on Zach, talks junk with Bill Whaley part 3

Gord Pedersen: 'How does that Silver Sol shit work again?'
This is the final post for this episode. If you haven't already read the first part, please click here for part 1 of Jim Bakker scribbles on Zach, talks junk with Bill Whaley.

I wasn't aware that Dr Gordon Pedersen was the man behind Silver Sol, but he's the one in the commercial so now he owns it in my book. He tells us some gobbledy-gook about his miracle tonic, explaining that the particles of silver are so tiny that they can 'enter a red blood cell'. He says this is good because there's nothing to 'irritate or agitate', and that the particles of silver are just there to 'kill the germs'. I haven't been following the Silver Sol scene, but this sounds very, very stupid to me. Why would anyone voluntarily ingest something that is going to enter their blood cells and 'kill the germs'? How does silver know the difference between a germ and a blood cell? This sounds like an experiment the Japanese would do on Allied POWs to see how long they'd survive. Why would anyone even waste their time with this? It's so stupid it's laughable.

This is what happens when you follow Jim Bakker's advice
I did a little looking on this Dr Gordon Pedersen. Don't let the white lab coat fool you, because Gordon Pedersen is not a medical doctor. He has a PhD from a toxicology program which sounds promising, but in this press release he's billed as the “Anti-Aging Master Formulator” which causes my quack-alert siren to whoop loudly inside my head. I don't feel very comfortable here, Mr Pedersen. Didn't this silver stuff turn some guy's skin blue like a smurf not too long ago? I think I'll pass on your miracle tonic this time around. My body already does a good enough job 'killing the germs' and you know what they say: If it ain't broke, don't fix it. I'll tell you what though: When I'm on my deathbed, I'll take a swig and see if it does anything for me. Does it cure dying?

Jim Bakker's Blue Skin Ointment w/ bonus Amoeba Pot, $88
Zach announces a Silver Sol package for $600, then Sasha announces a case of 50 for $900. These packages come with Neti Pots. Why hasn't Jim told us the scary stories involving Neti Pots and brain-eating amoebas? Hasn't he heard about the people who have died after using them? It's strange to think that nobody on that stage has heard about the Neti Pot amoebas, and it makes me wonder if Jim's hiding the truth a little bit there so as not to cut into his own product sales. Blue skin coloring and brain-eating amoebas...that's two strikes against this Silver Sol package already. Yet Jim Bakker is still selling it with no mention at all about these serious risks? Doesn't sound very honest to me, Pastor Bakker.

Lori says "Wow!" while Jim gulps air
We're out of the commercial and back to the Junk Man Show with Jim Bakker. Jim asks a question designed to lead Whaley into a product demonstration, but the Junk Man's having none of it. These are direct quotes:
Jim:I've read that you help street people stay warm...One of the biggest problems people are going to have is when the power goes out. How do you keep from freezing?”
Junk Man:Let's go to the street first.”
Jim just has to sit there and take it. He's on the couch, leaning on his knee and staring at Whaley, but he's powerless to do anything. The old coot just keeps going on. For her part, Lori loves listening to this guy. She turns to the camera and mouths the word 'Wow!' as Whaley talks.

Whaley grabs his papers as Jim dreams of a happy place
Uh oh, Whaley just stepped over into la-la land. Now he's talking governmental conspiracy against the poor, the homeless, and the 'working people'. He's using the fingers on his hands to count off each targeted group. Jim, you need to step in and stop this now. A man uncovering conspiracy at this level is a man that the government will do everything to silence. The FBI probably has a file as a thick as a book on this Whaley character, hell there's probably agents in your audience right now keeping tabs on him. You don't need this kind of heat Jim, you don't need it!

The Junk Kook spices things up with conspiracy talk
Whaley has now reached for a stack of papers to expose a Senate Bill designed, according to the Junk Kook, to outlaw people from growing gardens. Lori's little mind has been blown by this conspiracy. We hear her off-camera saying, "Unbelievable. Unbelievable". With his stack of papers in one hand, Whaley employs use of his other hand to count off even more targeted groups. He's talking farming, saying something about us controlling the food. He then says, 'Guess who else we control?' Then bam, an edit arrives just in time. Just in time to save Whaley's life, and possibly everyone at Morningside. Whatever information he had was bound to uncover conspiracy at the highest levels of government. They will stop at nothing, Bill, nothing. Now I understand why you live 'off the grid'.

The Junk Kook's audio was cut. What secrets did he expose?
The edit was abrupt, and now it goes straight to Bakker. Jim feeds into Whaley's conspiracy a little bit, talking about some weird government crackdown on an Amish farmer selling raw milk. The camera shows Whaley with a smirk on his face while he points to his papers and speaks, but there's no sound because it's an edit job. Wow, I wonder how long he droned on for before the kids cut him off in the editing room? How much more conspiracy is lying on the Jim Bakker Show cutting room floor? Maybe Jim Bakker himself is part of the conspiracy to silence the Junk ever think of that one, Bill?

Finally, Bakker has taken back a little control. He moves from the Amish farmer straight into Lori's House, telling us that he's being called 'evil' for building a home to save babies. No Jim, that's not why you are called evil. You are called evil because you prey on the elderly and mentally-incompetent, earning their trust specifically so you can take their money. You are called evil not because you are building a home to save babies, Jim, but because you lie about why people call you evil.

Bakker: 'Oh my God, I've invited a lunatic onto my show.'
Jim turns back to Bill and pleads with him, “We can't get political. They'll put me away, Bill.” That's Jim's way of saying, 'Knock off the soapbox shit and get to the trinkets'. Bakker asks the Junk Kook how we can stay warm if the power grid goes down. Hey Bill, I'll take this one for you. Jim, the secret is layers. Thermals, jackets, whatever you have in the closet. You know the way you're dressed when you go outside in the cold? Just dress like that inside. Add a blanket if you need to. Burn some wood in a fireplace, maybe even roast some marshmallows! Next question please.

Whaley pouts after Jim shoots down his conspiracy theory
The Junk Kook was still thumbing the pages of his conspiracy documents when Jim told him to knock it off. I'm pretty sure he's pissed off now because he's acting like a bratty child who was just told to sit still at a Christmas party. He's back to flopping his hands up and down on the arms of his chair, and he has a little smirk on his face. Bill Whaley, a sixty-something man who once flew choppers in Vietnam, is pouting.

The Junk Kook doesn't like being silenced. Without neighbors, he pretty much lives in silence all the time save for his dumpster divin' wife. Deep down inside, I think what Bill Whaley wants are friends, people to talk to and people to listen. Unfortunately, years of living like a mountain man have made him strange. Picking through garbage is strange. Dreaming up conspiracy is strange. If he were a kid, he could break out of that strangeness bubble and live normally like everyone else. But the Junk Kook is already into his sixties. There's no changing a man who's had that much time to become weird. So, the Junk Kook's inner desire for friendship will never be satisfied unless he finds a friend who is also strange. And that'll just make him weirder.

Bill Whaley angrily snatches bag off table
Since the Junk Kook is pouting, he didn't accept Jim's first invitation to tell us all how to keep warm. Now Jim has to really prod him into action. Jim chooses his words carefully, saying “You have so many things, I don't know which ones you want to go to first. Do you want me to pick or do you want to tell me?” That bratty child who was told to sit down is now being told to pick a present and open it while everyone watches. Whaley angrily snatches an empty plastic bread bag off the table. This guy is cracking me up, he's really pissed off that Jim told him to stop with the conspiracy crap. He hoists the bag over his head and, in a condescending tone, asks everyone on stage what they would do with it. He has such a look of disdain on his face as he asks this, he's just dying to point his finger at everyone on stage and call them dummies.

Bill Whaley: 'I'm holding gasoline in my hand you dummies.'
After a pause, Bakker says he would throw the bag away. Kevin follows the leader and says he would throw it away too. At this point, I think they want to throw Bill Whaley away with the bag too. The Junk Kook looks down his nose at us and says, “I'm holding gasoline in my hand.” Kevin Shorey feigns shock at this announcement, and Whaley reiterates that the plastic bag can be converted to gasoline. He once again holds his prized plastic bag up, and then we get a very long, awkward pause. I thought my DVR froze, but nope that's just the deafening sound of silence on stage. Whaley has completely killed any amount of viewer interest in him with his pouting act, and now he's going nuts with the bread bag. Everyone, and I mean every single person on that stage, is on the defensive with him. They've all now realized that he's a lunatic.

Whaley's 'latex glove': The bane of canines everywhere.
The plastic bag is not just gasoline, Whaley tells us. It's also a latex glove that can be used to pick up dog 'droppings'. I'm very suspicious of this statement, Bill. Out in my neck of the woods, we don't associate latex gloves with dog crap. We associate them with people crap, and more specifically, the holes where the people crap comes from. Are you bread-bagging your hands and giving rectal examinations out there in 'off-the-grid' land? And who are you examining? There are exactly two people in those woods where you live, plus one unlucky dog. Please don't tell me you're...I just...don't you dare hurt that dog, Bill.

Bill Whaley's dog being inspected for worms
Whaley goes on about the multi-use bread bag. He uses it to store butchered chickens in the freezer, and god knows what else. He also puts his skid-marked underwear, ratty t-shirts and mismatched socks in the bag so they don't get wet. What about bread, Bill, do you ever put bread in the bag?

Bill wears the bags on his feet in the wintertime. He says he puts them on his feet, then puts socks over them to keep his feet warm. You're a military man, Bill. Isn't that a recipe for trench foot? Or do you use the water generated by your sweaty, suffocating feet for brushing your teeth?

Whaley ends his childish tirade by asking a question. With his prized bag once again held up with both hands and a voice filled with utter contempt, he turns to Jim and Lori and asks, “Why would I throw it away?” As he asks, he jingles the bag ends so that the plastic makes noise.

Jim talks Whaley down off the ledge as Lori daydreams
Jim got a lot more than he bargained for with this guest. Jim is sweating, oh man is he sweating. He moves to a new question, and as he poses it he sounds like a psychiatrist trying to keep a wild-eyed mental patient from setting himself on fire.

Bakker is really shaken. He says, “Bill, what you're telling us is we can use the things around us to survive. We don't have to lay down and die.” Whaley is folding the plastic bag into a neat square as Jim speaks. Bakker looks to the audience for applause and gets it, and then we see Jim with a look of worry on his face as he gulps down a mouthful of air. Disaster averted, but what's up next?

Bill Whaley loves knowing more about garbage than we do
Whaley has lightened up now. The tension was cut by the applause, and now Bill Whaley feels respected again. He grabs another piece of garbage, an empty spaghetti sauce jar. Actually, I wouldn't classify this one as garbage if you have liquids you want to store. It depends on the liquid, of course. I might use it for pickled eggs, while the Junk Kook might use it for urine bombs. Let's see.

God, Whaley is so obnoxious. He has a way of speaking that is demeaning to all around him. Lori picks up on it subconsciously, because now she's referring to him as 'sir'. He's an asshole without justification. He tells all of us dummies that we can use the sauce jar as a measuring cup. He also says that we can use it to serve drinks in. He suggests giving it to children to drink from, so if they break it they “don't break your good stuff.” You know what I would use your glass jar for, Bill? A baseball. I would tee that sucker right up, then shatter it into a million unusable pieces with a baseball bat. Oh hey, give me that bread bag too, it'll make a great noise maker. Just blow it up full of air, hold the open side closed, then clap your hands together quickly. Pop!

A frozen Jim Bakker tries to figure a way out of this debacle
Jim is frozen solid on the couch. Lori reacts well to assholes, she likes that sort of leadership, but Jim doesn't. He's not quite sure what to do here.

Now the Junk Kook grabs a 2-liter bottle that he chopped in half. It's not chopped well, it looks like he hacked it in half with a butter knife or clipped it down with nail clippers. I also can't rule out the possibility that he had his wife bite through it. Whaley is finding his groove now. He leans back in the chair and asks, “What can you do with a 2-liter bottle?” See that's the problem, Bill, it's the way you introduce your items. Stop asking us what we can do with your garbage and just show us instead.

Plastic bottle that Whaley's wife bit in half
You ask us questions that you think we can't answer in order to make us feel small. But it's not that we can't answer them, it's that we don't really care. You deal in garbage, the stuff I toss out with a smile on my face. Whenever I have to go back into my garbage to find something that was thrown out accidentally, I don't smile. I grimace and I hold my nose, and sometimes I even ask my wife for help because it's so disgusting to me. When you pose questions designed to make people feel dumb for not knowing the ins-and-outs of the garbage heap, you fail in your quest for friendship. Normal people don't like that.

From the 2-liter bottle, Whaley says he can make a water filter, ice holder, and funnel. Bakker breaks free from his daze and jumps on the funnel idea. Jim grabs the funnel from the table and tells us how we could use it to add gas to our cars if we needed to. Does Jim not know that gas cans come with spouts? I'll go one further: Does Jim not know that funnels can be purchased for a couple dollars at Home Depot? With the dollar Jim gave Lori earlier in the show, they're already halfway down the road to funnel ownership. See how easy that is, Jim?

Papa Whaley took little Jimmy's funnel toy away from him
Whaley isn't having any of Jim's gas-can funnel crap. He takes the funnel away from Bakker like a parent taking scissors from a toddler and completely ignores Jim's suggestion. I get the feeling that the Junk Man is thinking, 'Thanks for humoring us buddy, but let's leave the survival stuff to the experts.' Jim was still talking as Whaley took the funnel back from him, he even looked to his audience for support while stammering out, “Isn't that a good..good idea?” I hate to say it, but I'm actually starting to pull for Bakker in this fight. Whaley's a total jackass and needs to be put in his place. If Bill were an ass because he doesn't like Bakker, I'd be on his side. He isn't though. Bill Whaley's an ass because Bill Whaley's an ass.

"...teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime."
Ugh, the Junk Man tells us something about poking holes in the bottle, stitching it with twine, and adding bread crumbs to make a 'minnow catcher' for fishing. What happened to you out there in that Vietnamese jungle, Bill? What did you see that's got you so spooked? You're back home in America now, Bill. You don't need to do this, we are friendlies and you are safe. You can go to the store and buy bait from an honest man who is happy to sell to you. Hell, you can even skip the bait and just buy a fish! Don't worry, you will not encounter any VC here. No land mines, no crushed glass in your Pepsi. Just relax sir and calm down. Now please tell me: Are you carrying any knives or other weapons on your person right now?

'Wait 'till the Feds get a load of my urine bombs, muhahaha!'
Whaley is still obsessing over the bottle. He's showing us how he can add one of his black-painted glass bottles inside the larger plastic bottle, fill one of the two with soup (I don't know which), and cook the soup outside in the sun. As he's configuring this thing, it's making all kinds of annoying ripping and tearing noises as he tries to fit everything together. Why Bill? Why would I waste my time? What you are showing us is so unimportant, it really is. If I had a choice between doing all that menial crap to sun-cook my soup, or just eating cold soup...I'll eat cold soup, Bill. Really, I would.
[Bill Whaley] [showing me how to configure the soup cooker] "So you just take this piece here and add this part...wait, hold on, I think I'm missing something."
[Ron] [eyes glossing over] "It's okay Bill, I don't need all that stuff. I'll just eat it cold."
[Bill Whaley] [shock bordering on offense] "Cold soup? Who wants to eat cold soup!? Just gimme a second, there's a piece missing. We'll get your soup cooking in no time!"
[Ron] [looks at watch] "Bill, it''s fine. Can I have my soup back please?
[Bill Whaley] [red-faced and aggressive] "No you cannot have your soup back please, I haven't shown you how to heat it yet! Just give me a second."
[Ron] "These aren't seconds anymore, these are minutes now and I'm hungry."

Bill growls threateningly.

[Ron] [laughing] "Why are you getting so upset?"
[Bill Whaley] [screaming] "I'm not upset!"

Bill Whaley rubs his 40-grit palms together
Jim refers to Whaley's soup-warming contraption as a 'solar cooker'. I'm not sure that 'cooker' is the right word as I don't think anyone will be sizzling bacon in it anytime soon, but whatever. It gets hot, wow. Bill also says we can take a sand-filled soda can, paint it black, then set it in the sun to make a hand warmer. Ahhh, Bill knows just how to make things nice and cozy on those crisp Ozark mornin's. Bill really lays it on us thick with the hand warmer, even rubbing his hands together as he describes it. The sound his hands make when rubbed together are like sandpaper on a wood deck. Don't let the dumpy looks fool you, because the Junk Man isn't all about business: He's pleasure too.

The Junk Kook snaps rubber band off yet more garbage
Jim asks Bill what else he has for show-and-tell. I hope this is over soon because my Bill Whaley Junk-O-Meter is running into the red zone. I'm very near to experiencing a junk overdose, and I'm considering buying a furnace for all of my garbage to prevent it from falling into the hands of the other Bill Whaleys of the world.

Bill asks one of the Master's Media kids to pass him a piece of garbage that's out of reach. It's yet another crinkly piece of plastic. If this guy lived next door to me, he would drive me bonkers. I recycle. I have plastic and glass bottles wrapped up in bags on the side of my house, not stacked, just lying out there nice and clean, awaiting the few times each year when I have time to unload it all at the recycling center. If Bill lived next door, I just know that guy would be breaking my balls every couple weeks or so, asking if he could have my plastic. I'd have to tell him no, but then I'd realize that he's looking at my house and probably rooting through my garbage at night when I'm sleeping. I'd be powerless to stop him. It would drive me nuts.

The Junk Tornado unwraps loudly while Lori tries to speak
Whatever Whaley's next piece of garbage is, he has it encased in a plastic bag. Is that to keep it clean? He snaps off two rubber bands from the bag and starts unraveling the treasure inside. Meanwhile, Lori is talking, or at least trying to talk. She's saying something about the Master's Media kids, but Bill keeps driving on with his unpacking. He's like a Junk Tornado: All we see and hear is the crinkling of plastic, rubber bands snapping, and cups or pieces of cups flying about. Whaley's in his zone now, he has no time for Lori's child's play and small talk. Lori's voice trails off as she completes her sentence and stares at Bill, then we all listen and watch for a few awkward seconds as the Junk Tornado finishes unpacking. The ball is back in Whaley's court now.

Bill Whaley struggling to snug his water filter down tight
"This is a coffee creamer bottle. I just cut the bottom off of it." Whaley's face is glowing, he loves this stuff. "I went down to Walmart for $7 and bought me one of those Brita pitcher filters." Bill then drops one of those 'Brita pitcher filters' into his creamer bottle. It's a near perfect fit. Bill pulls down hard on the other end of the filter, you can see the strain on his face as he snugs the filter into the plastic bottle and seats it. He holds it up for us to see and declares proudly, "Now I got a water filter that'll filter 40 gallons of water anywhere I want to go with it." Bill, my good man...what you call a water filter, I call a smoking gun. Did you know that Jim Bakker actually sells expensive Seychelle water filters for over 3 times the price you just mentioned? In fact, the chair your sitting in was probably still warm from Dr Seychelle's last visit! Don't know who Dr Seychelle is, Bill? Well let me describe him for you, you might like him!

Detective Bill Whaley holds the smoking gun for all to see
First off, Dr Seychelle is not really a doctor at all, but Jim insists on calling him one and the fake doctor doesn't seem to mind. His real name is Carl Palmer. He has a face full of plastic surgery, is the CEO of a multi-million dollar company, and has what might be called a 'trophy wife' who operates as a 'Holistic Dental Hygienist'. That sound like your kinda' people, Bill? Or can I just call you 'Dr Whaley''ll make people trust you more!

You want conspiracy, Bill, well you just got one. A real one this time. You are now in competition with the fake Dr Seychelle and his froggy little buddy, Jim Bakker. You are on a show whose sole intent is to sell product. You, Bill, with all your quirks, are still at heart trying to help people. If you thought that's what Jim Bakker was about, you've made a mistake. The Jim Bakker Show is designed for product-sales, not people-helping. Showing people how to make a cheap water filter is a noble effort on your part, but in Jim's calculating mind, why would he give people something for free when he can charge them for it instead?

Jim got away from the $7 water filter real quick
Jim's subdued response to Bill's water filter: "Oh my lamb." Bakker had no idea this was going to happen and I can see the wheels turning in his mind, trying to figure out how to brush this under the rug as fast as possible without people catching on. We get one more sentence from Bill before edit: "That's how simple it is to have good clean water." Jim says, haltingly, "It really is. What's next?" Lori is next to Jim with a smile plastered on her face, but I can see her little mind chugging along as well. I'm pretty sure she caught on to the water filter fiasco too, but hell for all I know she's daydreaming about sex and crack-pipes. You never really know with minute she's thinking about abortion, the next minute she's thinking about balloons.

Biker Chick Max tries to remember how much Jim's filters cost
As I said, a heavy edit took place here. The next time we see Bill he's snapping a rubber band back onto the plastic-covered water filter set that took him so long to unwrap earlier. No statement on this, Pastor Bakker? Shouldn't you be suggesting to us all that we save our money on pricey Seychelle filters and just build Dr Whaley's $7 filters instead?

We're back to Jim's first question about how to keep people warm, and Bakker once again refers to homeless people as 'street people'. Whaley grabs a large tin can and starts pulling metal objects out of it while Jim is still talking. Clank, clink, clunk. I know you're off the grid Bill, but I think someone is eventually going to find you out there because of all the noise you make. Do you get a lot of hungry bears out your way?

Bill Whaley removes small metal can from large metal can
The Junk Man is glowing again. I get the feeling he could talk junk, garbage and scavenging all day and night, then continuing on into the morning. Bill Whaley fails among men, but at the garbage heap he reigns supreme. Bill grabs Jim's sharpie, the same one used to write on Zach's forehead, and draws a square on the tin can. He tells us that we can cut out the square of tin, bend it over a stick, and 'put a nail through it' to make a frying pan. I have to say, when Bil grabbed the Zach sharpie and started drawing I was expecting a little more from him then a piece of tin attached to a stick. Let's throw that one out Bill, it's sort of lame. Even a gorilla could figure that one out. And by gorilla, I mean Zach Drew.

'Scuse me brother, any sausage cans to spare?
If we want to make a heater instead, Bill tells us to add a couple inches of dirt or sand to the tin can. Then we take a Vienna Sausage tin can, add wax and some pipe cleaners to make a candle. Bill, this one's even more lame. Where am I going to find an empty Vienna Sausage can? Do I need to find a hobo in a train car and rifle through his plaid knapsack while he's passed out drunk? And if I already have wax, wouldn't I also already have a candle? Bill, did you know they make things called tealight candles that can be purchased for less than a twenty cents a piece? You need to get out more and stop handling so much garbage, I think all the toxic metals have started to turn your brain into pudding.

Bill's still driving on with his candle heater. He tells us to place the sausage-can candle into the big tin can, then take a "big 62 oz juice can", poke holes in it and place it over the top of this unwieldy contraption to make a tiny, ineffective heater. I wouldn't even know what a 62 oz juice can looks like, but Bill has the sucker memorized. You've been hanging around the garbage heap for far too long Bill. Here's a life tip: If you converse with more rodents each day than people, then you need a serious change of lifestyle. It's not healthy for your mind.

Jim asked the Junk Kook for his thoughts on the economy
Bakker wants some fear-mongering from Whaley to close the show with. Jim asks the Junk Kook, a man completely unqualified to give answers on, well, anything, if he thinks the dollar is going to 'totally collapse'. Whaley says that this year the 'financial institution' is going to hit everybody and it's going to hit us hard. Jim Bakker, of course, loves hearing the unqualified Bill Whaley predict economic disaster. He looks to the audience and says, "Now listen to what he's saying people. This is what I've been trying to warn you and warn you and warn you..."

I'll get by just fine without your plastic bread bag, Bill
Finally, the show winds down. Bakker asks Whaley to address the critics who call his gimmick stupid. Whaley tells us "your dollar's gettin' littler every day", and asks, "What happens when you can't buy this?" Bill, if I'm so stupid that I can't figure out how to stay warm with all the extra clothes in my closet, or how to crack open a can of Campbell's soup and eat it, then I guess I'll just die. That really sums it up for me, I'd rather lose out and die then spend my life living in fear of ridiculous things like roving gangs, dying of thirst, starving, or freezing to death. I'm not a settler on the frontier.

But let's be honest here: The scary world you describe is not going to happen in our lifetime. We don't live in Sudan, we live in America. Among other things, we have police, military, business, and multiple layers of government filled with fellow citizens who have a vested interest in keeping everything under control. The doom-speakers and fear-mongers like Jim Bakker know this too. That's why they take cold hard cash as payment for their products and speaking engagements. They prey on dimwits who've been watching too many scary movies. Think about it for a second: if Jim Bakker really thought the world was going to fall apart, wouldn't he be doing something to prevent it instead of catering to it?

How much did Jim Bakker pay for your integrity, Bill?
Bakker ends the show with one final pitch for his Wheat Buckets. The high hopes I had for Bill Whaley's integrity have now vanished, because Jim tells us that every $100 Wheat Bucket sold today comes with a free DVD of the Junk Kook in action. We see Bill sitting in his chair, twiddling his thumbs and smiling as if he just swallowed a canary. Bill must be thinking that he pulled a fast one over on Jim, but believe me Bill, the only one pulling a fast one in this relationship is Jim Bakker. You are a tadpole swimming with the largest toad in the swamp, and he's been swimming in this swamp for years.

The show ends, then we get a five-minute commercial for foodbuckets.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Jim Bakker scribbles on Zach, talks junk with Bill Whaley part 2

Morningside Nazi awaiting orders from her Fuehrer

Isn't Bill Whaley on the show today? Where in the hell is he? Oh there he is, he's seated on stage allowing his good name and reputation to be used by convicted con man Jim Bakker to sell buckets of wheat. He hasn't been allowed to speak yet because Bakker's still busy milking him.

We get a video interlude with three of the Master's Media dummies making bread, and they've cracked open a business-expensed wheat bucket to do it. Their teacher for today is a female inbred named Janet Krehbiel. One look in her eyes tells me that this woman is fanatical about Jim Bakker. There's a certain fire burning in her eyes, but it's not the kind of fire that burns reassuringly in a fireplace on a cold winter evening. It's the sort of fire that burned witches at the stake; the sort of fire that burned piles of books in Nazi Germany.

Now just bake your survival bread in an electric oven...
We watch the kids bake bread. I assume this is meant to show people how useful their wheat buckets will be during the End Times? I'm counting a lot of ingredients that Jim doesn't sell which are part of this recipe. Yeast. Oil. Brown Sugar. We also have measuring cups, pots, and pans. And now we have the all-important electric or gas oven. Fraulein Krehbiel tells us that before baking the bread, we want to place it in a warmed oven to give it time to rise.

Wait, I'm confused: Is this survival bread, or just Sunday morning rise-and-shine bread? And why would anyone need a 45 lb bucket of wheat, and possibly ten buckets worth if you're stupid enough, when it takes only a few cups to make a loaf of bread? When Jim's scary-but-non-existent roving gangs are coming to rob and kill you, is bread-baking going to be high on your priority list? How would you even bake it if there's no electricity? This is lunacy, as in you are definitely koo-koo in the head if you think this is a smart thing to buy. Think zombies, you can do it if you try!

Sasha coloring outside the lines
The bread has been baked and now it's time to eat it. Sasha is very proud of her work. Has she never seen bread made before? Sasha wouldn't stand a chance in a survival situation. If she found herself stranded and starving in the Andes with the Uruguayan Rugby Team, she'd be the first to be eaten. You need to wake up, Sasha. Your cute smile, bubbly personality and empty head makes you ripe for the picking by some sleazy guy who will use you for his own personal gain. Case in point: Jim Bakker.

A Morningside Cafe specialty: The Yak-wich
They're adding mayonnaise, mustard, tomato and avocado to the bread now. When Sasha squeezes the mustard on her bread, she colors outside the lines and the mustard falls off and onto the side of the bread. Ms Volz...what are we going to do with you? You're so cheery and bright, but god you're dumb as a rock. How about scissors, are you skilled with scissors? Can we trust you with those, or do we need to worry that you'll accidentally lop off a finger while cutting around your barnyard animal doodles?

Lettuce and a Kraft cheese slice goes on the bread and now we have a disgusting, slimy, meatless sandwich for consumption. Sasha takes a big bite of it and gives the thumbs-up. There's no way that Sasha ate that whole thing, no way. My dog wouldn't even eat that, and he eats other dog's poop. The kids pose with Fraulein Krehbiel as she congratulates them on baking their bread. Great job kids, now let's go burn some books in the town square! Schnell!

Shemp laughs about the bread party he wasn't invited to
We're out of the interlude and back to the live show, talking to Sasha and Ariel about their big bread baking field trip. Shemp sits between the two and laughs awkwardly, but he wasn't invited to their bread baking party so he doesn't have anything to say. If you're keeping the hair then you better get used to the whole 'not-being-invited' thing. Trust me dude, cut it. You'll thank me.

Jim adds in a little fear-mongering in his last push of the wheat buckets, telling us “there's going to be some problems before 40 years, maybe before 40 days, I don't know. Things are coming loose, the wheels are coming off the wagon.” Alright Jim, the clock's ticking on your 40 days. This episode was broadcast on 2/27/12, and was probably shown live a week prior to that. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt though and toss you a few more days, you slithering snake. The wheels need to 'come off the wagon' by April 15th, tax day, otherwise you're being exposed as a con man who stokes fear in the minds of na├»ve people as a way to take their money. Is that reasonable? They're your words Jim, not mine. You say 40 days, I say okay. Let's see.

Sasha gives her review of the Yak-wich: "Ptooey!"
Arghh! Jim, are we getting to Bill Whaley or are we going to sit here all day talking about space food? Now we're on his $100 Mega Sampler bucket, and I just sat my ass through a full 60 seconds of Zach listing the contents of every packet in the bucket. What is this garbage, where's the gospel?

They continue on with the Mega Sampler bucket, and we're treated to a long shot of Zach that shows off his man boobs. Someone once mentioned that Zach was some sort of football star back home, but I'm not buying it. The guy looks about as athletic as an arthritic turtle. I don't deny that he may have played football, but playing a game is not the same as playing it well:

Zach's tits have now outgrown his training bra
After school, the kids line up against a wall to pick teams for intramural football. Only one kid remains, and neither team wants him. That kid is Zach Drew.

[Team A Captain] “Do we have to take him? Can we just play a man short?”
[Team B Captain] “He wants to play, and coach said we have to let everyone play if they want to.”
[Team A Captain] “Yeah but the last time we had him, he ran the wrong way with the ball. He scored against us!”
[Team B Captain] [laughing]“Heh, and he's gonna do it again today. That's our star player! Hurry up and pick him so we can get started.”
[Team A Captain] [groans and motions to Zach] “Alright, we'll take Pud. But dude, don't touch the ball this time. Just stand your fat ass out there and block.”

Morningside Lovebirds: 'Yep, thirty...long...years...'
We're finally out of Bakker's sales presentation and over to Kevin Shorey who's announcing the zombie anniversaries and birthdays. First up is a zombie couple that's been married for 30 years, and the marriage must be a grind because they're sitting about five feet apart at their table. These two love birds are seated so far apart, in fact, they may as well be sitting at different tables. That could change though, because they've just been given a coupon for Gilberti's to chow down on some anniversary pizza and reignite the flame of romance. Unfortunately, judging by the look of the place I don't know if that's gonna happen.

I always thought Gilbertis would be a little...classier?
This is the first time I've ever seen a picture of Gilberti's and it looks like it's going to be real cramped quarters inside this shack. I wouldn't rule out the possibility of a fist fight breaking out between the two as they react to the strain of being inside Mr Gilberti's Chicago-Style pressure cooker. I wonder what the fire marshal determined the maximum occupancy to be on a place like this, maybe 17 or so? It looks more Gas N' Go than Eating Establishment, and I must say: After all these years of hearing about Gilberti's, I really imagined something better than this. Enjoy your pizza you little lovebirds, and don't be surprised when you order Canadian Bacon and they don't have it.

Whenever Jim Bakker cultists laugh, I cringe
A birthday is up next. 'Miss Marilyn' the inbred is turning 60 today. Her hair is pulled off and braided down two sides like Sacagawea, making her look an awful lot like a burned-out hippie. I can imagine her escaping Jonestown just before Pastor Jones started serving up the purple Kool-Aid, but instead of swearing off charismatic religious leaders entirely, she ran right into Jim Bakker's loving arms at Heritage. I don't know what it is with these people, why must they always be looking for someone to follow? Are they incapable of leading themselves?

'Miss Marilyn' is being given a Lori Locket for her birthday, but when the gift is announced she pulls on her neck to reveal that she's already wearing one. Kevin corrects himself and says that she's being given a 'Lori Locket II”, so now she has another piece of junk jewelry to show off to her birds at home.

This zombie already had a Lori she has two!
'Miss Marilyn' says that she's been eating for the last thirty years just as Jim is instructing now, "grinding mountain wheat and all that". She says that she and her husband also dumpster dive. Is there something going on in the world that I don't know about? What's up with all these people jumping head-first into garbage cans? Is this the new 'planking'?

Marilyn tells us that she's found things while dumpster diving that are 'unbelievable'. Maybe she found love in a dumpster? Perhaps the two of them jumped into Mr Gilberti's dumpster, found a day-old plate of spaghetti, then slowly ate from opposite ends of a noodle to ultimately find each other's lips?

Looks like someone has a man-crush on Jim Bakker...
Miss Marilyn's husband / brother is really starting to creep me out now. I think he's cockeyed, or else his glasses magnify his eyes to a level unfit for public consumption. As his wife continues talking, this guy gets a stare on his face that is truly terrifying. I'd say it's love for Jim Bakker that we're seeing, but if that's love, I sure as hell don't want to see hate. This guy is one of the scariest inbreds I've seen in a long time, and for the love of God I hope he never gets introduced to Joey from the band. Imagine those two driving around in Joey's windowless van at night?

Shorey passionately sings Karaoke from his chair
Nope, still no Bill Whaley. Now Kevin's giving us a taste of his singing chops with a song called You Can Begin Again, and he's doing it from a seated position. Where else on earth does a singer who wants to be taken seriously perform his song from a chair? Chair-singing is for karaoke, Kevin. Are you going to pass the mic to Jim and Lori next for their duet of Islands in the Stream?

While Kevin sings from the chair, he crosses his legs at the hocks to keep himself from spinning or rocking in his big swivel chair. Kevin's pants are bunched up around his thighs and one pant leg is hiked up far enough to expose his leg above the sock.

Kevin locked his hocks and hiked his pants for Karaoke
How are we supposed to take you serious, Kevin, if you aren't taking yourself seriously? If you present yourself as a slob, people will treat you as one. Go get yourself on a diet and exercise program and get the hell off Jim's show. You're wasting your life with Jim Bakker, and worse, you're slowly being corrupted by him. You can begin again, Kevin. Listen to your song! Enough with this Bakker fella, he's no good.

Finally it looks like it's time for Bill Whaley. Are we sure now, Jim? Is there anything else you'd like to sell before we get started?

Bakker digs a dollar out of his pants for Bill Whaley
Whaley begins talking for the first time. He seems like a pleasant enough guy, a little on the boring side but he appears to mean well. He tells us about his life as a helicopter pilot in the military. He goes off on a tangent about the government taking from us without giving, but it's nothing conspiratorial so that's a plus. He gives an illustration of this by asking Jim for a dollar, then taking it and not giving it back. This was pre-scripted and sort of dumb, but I liked that Bill called Jim 'Mr Bakker' when he asked for the dollar. Even though this conversation is very boring, I get the sense that the Junk Man ain't takin' no guff from 'Mr Bakker'. Keep it up Bill and you'll escape with your integrity intact!

FBI agent Bill Whaley pockets Bakker's bribe money
About that dollar. Whaley is still holding on to it, folded and cupped in his hand. I know the dollar hand-over was scripted, but at some point the scripted part would end and Whaley would return the dollar to Jim. It hasn't happened yet and it's making Bakker real anxious. Like a dog eying a biscuit treat, Jim is fixating on the dollar. I wonder if Jim can actually smell money like a drug hound?
Lori takes Jim for a security walk through Morningside, after-hours. Jim suddenly perks up:
[Jim Bakker] “Hold on Lori. Wait!”
[Lori Bakker] “What is it old man!? Is someone in here?”
[Jim Bakker] “No, I smell something.”
Bill Whaley still hasn't returned Jim's dollar
Jim twitches his nose, sniffing at the air. He points his wet snout towards the statue.”
[Lori Bakker] “Is it the statue? You know I had to yell at some little shits yesterday to get off of it, they were trying to climb it.”
Jim bolts towards the statue, excitedly sniffing the ground around it. Underneath a prayer bench, he finds a wallet.
[Jim Bakker] “This is it, this is what I smelled. Money.”
Lori picks up the wallet and opens it. Inside she finds three crumpled dollar bills, a Builder's Club card, and a Medicare card.
[Lori Bakker] [unwrinkling the bills] “Wow someone's poor!” [snorting laughter]
Jim suddenly leaps towards the bills, jaws open. He clamps down hard on the money as Lori tries to fend him off.
[Lori Bakker] “Jim, no! You'll rip them!”
Bill Whaley points at Jim Bakker
Bill Whaley appears to have completely taken over the show, and now he's asking rhetorical questions. Bakker ain't going for this shit. Whaley points at Jim and begins a question with, “Let me ask you this Mr Bakker...” Jim scratches his face as Whaley asks the question of him, a sure sign of being pissed off by his guest. Whaley reminds me of a hack salesman that works off a memorized script, like a guy trying to sell me stain protection on my carpet. He's probably working to a big finale to dazzle us, perhaps pouring wine on the carpet then cleaning it off, but he's doing a lot of ponderous prep work here and I don't think the payoff is going to be worth the time. The only reason I haven't hit fast-forward yet is because he's making Jim sweat.

A seething Jim Bakker fake smiles for the Junk Man
Bill asks Jim what the difference between alternative and renewable energy is. Jim paints a fake smile on his face and replies that he 'isn't sure of the difference, but he can guess'. Bakker looks like he's positively seething inside, like he wants to snap his fingers in front of Whaley's face and tell him to hurry up and get to the point because time is money. Whaley now poses the question to the audience. There's nobody left in the audience. We glimpse the front row and all we see are two empty chairs and three zombies, one of which is Whaley's wife. The Junk Man is driving 'em away, and fast. Bakker's gonna have to step in at some point here to save the day's sales.

"It's just natural gas, so what!?"
The Junk Man says that he owns two homes, one of which is in Missouri and is 'totally off the grid.' He says that nobody knows where his Missouri home is. He probably had neighbors once, then drove them all away with his long-winded monologues on junk and junk accessories. The Junk Man says he takes the fart gas off his septic tank and uses it to cook and heat his house with. I notice that his body language becomes defensive when mentioning that little detail about his septic tank, as if someone has given him crap about it before. If I asked him if his house smells like poop when he heats it, he would probably get real touchy about it and quickly come over the top of me to tell me that it's just natural gas. Right Bill, but what does it smell like?
[Ron] “I understand that it's just natural gas Bill, but...
[Bill Whaley] [interrupting] “That's right! It's just natural gas!'”
[Ron] “Okay, well let me ask you like this. Does it smell good, or does it smell bad?”
[Bill Whaley] [raises voice] “It doesn't smell anything! It's just natural gas, what's the big deal!”
Shorey: "God is this Whaley guy boring or what?"
The Junk Man tells us that he's a 'non-conformist' and that he has two sets of rules he believes in: the bible and the Constitution. This receives a round of applause from everyone on stage, plus someone in the audience that I can hear clapping very, very fast. I'm not sure if people are clapping for his comment, or because it's their chance to cut him off.

Jim asks him how he got the name 'The Junk Man'. Before answering, Whaley finally gives Jim his dollar back. Jim fake laughs, then hands the dollar to Lori and tells her, “Oh that's nice. Here honey. You need a dollar.” That's actually a pretty smooth move on Jim's part. Never let them see you handling money, Jim. That'll make it harder to bring a case against you.
Whaley's audience: Three zombies and two empty chairs
I'm this close to hitting fast-forward on Whaley, he's boring me to tears. At least I can play a little game in my head as he drones on. I'm trying to figure out what items on his person were scavenged from a garbage can, and which are new.

I don't think the suit jacket came from the garbage. The purple dress shirt, that's new too. The tie most likely came from a wedding reception's trash bin and probably had the Best Man's vomit on it. The accessories, now those were all scavenged from a stink can. The frame for his glasses would have come from the trash, maybe the lenses too. He has a tight bracelet on one wrist that looks like it's cutting off his circulation. That was definitely taken out of the garbage. On his other hand, he's wearing an onyx ring. That ring, plus the watch he's wearing, were probably hurled into an Indian Casino dumpster by a furious, red-faced drunk who just lost his house on a Super Bowl bet. We can't see the wallet that Whaley's sitting on, but that came from the drunk too. It contained no money, only a bunch of expired, losing lottery tickets. Now it belongs to the Junk Man.

"Gud vork mein students! Now ve vill burn BOOKS!"
Jim plays his trump card. If he can't stop the Junk Man real-time, he'll fix him in editing. Whaley tells a story about a crazy lady who invited him to lunch to pick his brain. The story ends abruptly with faked, archived applause from the audience, then moves right into a Jim Bakker commercial. I don't think I've ever been so happy to see a commercial from Jim. It's a Silver Sol commercial, with a very happy sounding Kevin Shorey doing the voice over.

Click here to read the finale of Jim Bakker scribbles on Zach, talks junk with Bill Whaley.