|Gord Pedersen: 'How does that Silver Sol shit work again?'|
I wasn't aware that Dr Gordon Pedersen was the man behind Silver Sol, but he's the one in the commercial so now he owns it in my book. He tells us some gobbledy-gook about his miracle tonic, explaining that the particles of silver are so tiny that they can 'enter a red blood cell'. He says this is good because there's nothing to 'irritate or agitate', and that the particles of silver are just there to 'kill the germs'. I haven't been following the Silver Sol scene, but this sounds very, very stupid to me. Why would anyone voluntarily ingest something that is going to enter their blood cells and 'kill the germs'? How does silver know the difference between a germ and a blood cell? This sounds like an experiment the Japanese would do on Allied POWs to see how long they'd survive. Why would anyone even waste their time with this? It's so stupid it's laughable.
|This is what happens when you follow Jim Bakker's advice|
|Jim Bakker's Blue Skin Ointment w/ bonus Amoeba Pot, $88|
|Lori says "Wow!" while Jim gulps air|
Jim: “I've read that you help street people stay warm...One of the biggest problems people are going to have is when the power goes out. How do you keep from freezing?”Junk Man: “Let's go to the street first.”Jim: “Okay.”
Jim just has to sit there and take it. He's on the couch, leaning on his knee and staring at Whaley, but he's powerless to do anything. The old coot just keeps going on. For her part, Lori loves listening to this guy. She turns to the camera and mouths the word 'Wow!' as Whaley talks.
|Whaley grabs his papers as Jim dreams of a happy place|
|The Junk Kook spices things up with conspiracy talk|
|The Junk Kook's audio was cut. What secrets did he expose?|
Finally, Bakker has taken back a little control. He moves from the Amish farmer straight into Lori's House, telling us that he's being called 'evil' for building a home to save babies. No Jim, that's not why you are called evil. You are called evil because you prey on the elderly and mentally-incompetent, earning their trust specifically so you can take their money. You are called evil not because you are building a home to save babies, Jim, but because you lie about why people call you evil.
|Bakker: 'Oh my God, I've invited a lunatic onto my show.'|
|Whaley pouts after Jim shoots down his conspiracy theory|
The Junk Kook doesn't like being silenced. Without neighbors, he pretty much lives in silence all the time save for his dumpster divin' wife. Deep down inside, I think what Bill Whaley wants are friends, people to talk to and people to listen. Unfortunately, years of living like a mountain man have made him strange. Picking through garbage is strange. Dreaming up conspiracy is strange. If he were a kid, he could break out of that strangeness bubble and live normally like everyone else. But the Junk Kook is already into his sixties. There's no changing a man who's had that much time to become weird. So, the Junk Kook's inner desire for friendship will never be satisfied unless he finds a friend who is also strange. And that'll just make him weirder.
|Bill Whaley angrily snatches bag off table|
|Bill Whaley: 'I'm holding gasoline in my hand you dummies.'|
|Whaley's 'latex glove': The bane of canines everywhere.|
|Bill Whaley's dog being inspected for worms|
Bill wears the bags on his feet in the wintertime. He says he puts them on his feet, then puts socks over them to keep his feet warm. You're a military man, Bill. Isn't that a recipe for trench foot? Or do you use the water generated by your sweaty, suffocating feet for brushing your teeth?
Whaley ends his childish tirade by asking a question. With his prized bag once again held up with both hands and a voice filled with utter contempt, he turns to Jim and Lori and asks, “Why would I throw it away?” As he asks, he jingles the bag ends so that the plastic makes noise.
Jim got a lot more than he bargained for with this guest. Jim is sweating, oh man is he sweating. He moves to a new question, and as he poses it he sounds like a psychiatrist trying to keep a wild-eyed mental patient from setting himself on fire.
|Jim talks Whaley down off the ledge as Lori daydreams|
Bakker is really shaken. He says, “Bill, what you're telling us is we can use the things around us to survive. We don't have to lay down and die.” Whaley is folding the plastic bag into a neat square as Jim speaks. Bakker looks to the audience for applause and gets it, and then we see Jim with a look of worry on his face as he gulps down a mouthful of air. Disaster averted, but what's up next?
|Bill Whaley loves knowing more about garbage than we do|
God, Whaley is so obnoxious. He has a way of speaking that is demeaning to all around him. Lori picks up on it subconsciously, because now she's referring to him as 'sir'. He's an asshole without justification. He tells all of us dummies that we can use the sauce jar as a measuring cup. He also says that we can use it to serve drinks in. He suggests giving it to children to drink from, so if they break it they “don't break your good stuff.” You know what I would use your glass jar for, Bill? A baseball. I would tee that sucker right up, then shatter it into a million unusable pieces with a baseball bat. Oh hey, give me that bread bag too, it'll make a great noise maker. Just blow it up full of air, hold the open side closed, then clap your hands together quickly. Pop!
|A frozen Jim Bakker tries to figure a way out of this debacle|
Now the Junk Kook grabs a 2-liter bottle that he chopped in half. It's not chopped well, it looks like he hacked it in half with a butter knife or clipped it down with nail clippers. I also can't rule out the possibility that he had his wife bite through it. Whaley is finding his groove now. He leans back in the chair and asks, “What can you do with a 2-liter bottle?” See that's the problem, Bill, it's the way you introduce your items. Stop asking us what we can do with your garbage and just show us instead.
You ask us questions that you think we can't answer in order to make us feel small. But it's not that we can't answer them, it's that we don't really care. You deal in garbage, the stuff I toss out with a smile on my face. Whenever I have to go back into my garbage to find something that was thrown out accidentally, I don't smile. I grimace and I hold my nose, and sometimes I even ask my wife for help because it's so disgusting to me. When you pose questions designed to make people feel dumb for not knowing the ins-and-outs of the garbage heap, you fail in your quest for friendship. Normal people don't like that.
|Plastic bottle that Whaley's wife bit in half|
From the 2-liter bottle, Whaley says he can make a water filter, ice holder, and funnel. Bakker breaks free from his daze and jumps on the funnel idea. Jim grabs the funnel from the table and tells us how we could use it to add gas to our cars if we needed to. Does Jim not know that gas cans come with spouts? I'll go one further: Does Jim not know that funnels can be purchased for a couple dollars at Home Depot? With the dollar Jim gave Lori earlier in the show, they're already halfway down the road to funnel ownership. See how easy that is, Jim?
|Papa Whaley took little Jimmy's funnel toy away from him|
|"...teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime."|
|'Wait 'till the Feds get a load of my urine bombs, muhahaha!'|
[Bill Whaley] [showing me how to configure the soup cooker] "So you just take this piece here and add this part...wait, hold on, I think I'm missing something."
[Ron] [eyes glossing over] "It's okay Bill, I don't need all that stuff. I'll just eat it cold."
[Bill Whaley] [shock bordering on offense] "Cold soup? Who wants to eat cold soup!? Just gimme a second, there's a piece missing. We'll get your soup cooking in no time!"
[Ron] [looks at watch] "Bill, it's...it's fine. Can I have my soup back please?
[Bill Whaley] [red-faced and aggressive] "No you cannot have your soup back please, I haven't shown you how to heat it yet! Just give me a second."
[Ron] "These aren't seconds anymore, these are minutes now and I'm hungry."
Bill growls threateningly.
[Ron] [laughing] "Why are you getting so upset?"
[Bill Whaley] [screaming] "I'm not upset!"
|Bill Whaley rubs his 40-grit palms together|
|The Junk Kook snaps rubber band off yet more garbage|
Bill asks one of the Master's Media kids to pass him a piece of garbage that's out of reach. It's yet another crinkly piece of plastic. If this guy lived next door to me, he would drive me bonkers. I recycle. I have plastic and glass bottles wrapped up in bags on the side of my house, not stacked, just lying out there nice and clean, awaiting the few times each year when I have time to unload it all at the recycling center. If Bill lived next door, I just know that guy would be breaking my balls every couple weeks or so, asking if he could have my plastic. I'd have to tell him no, but then I'd realize that he's looking at my house and probably rooting through my garbage at night when I'm sleeping. I'd be powerless to stop him. It would drive me nuts.
|The Junk Tornado unwraps loudly while Lori tries to speak|
|Bill Whaley struggling to snug his water filter down tight|
|Detective Bill Whaley holds the smoking gun for all to see|
You want conspiracy, Bill, well you just got one. A real one this time. You are now in competition with the fake Dr Seychelle and his froggy little buddy, Jim Bakker. You are on a show whose sole intent is to sell product. You, Bill, with all your quirks, are still at heart trying to help people. If you thought that's what Jim Bakker was about, you've made a mistake. The Jim Bakker Show is designed for product-sales, not people-helping. Showing people how to make a cheap water filter is a noble effort on your part, but in Jim's calculating mind, why would he give people something for free when he can charge them for it instead?
|Jim got away from the $7 water filter real quick|
|Biker Chick Max tries to remember how much Jim's filters cost|
We're back to Jim's first question about how to keep people warm, and Bakker once again refers to homeless people as 'street people'. Whaley grabs a large tin can and starts pulling metal objects out of it while Jim is still talking. Clank, clink, clunk. I know you're off the grid Bill, but I think someone is eventually going to find you out there because of all the noise you make. Do you get a lot of hungry bears out your way?
|Bill Whaley removes small metal can from large metal can|
|'Scuse me brother, any sausage cans to spare?|
Bill's still driving on with his candle heater. He tells us to place the sausage-can candle into the big tin can, then take a "big 62 oz juice can", poke holes in it and place it over the top of this unwieldy contraption to make a tiny, ineffective heater. I wouldn't even know what a 62 oz juice can looks like, but Bill has the sucker memorized. You've been hanging around the garbage heap for far too long Bill. Here's a life tip: If you converse with more rodents each day than people, then you need a serious change of lifestyle. It's not healthy for your mind.
|Jim asked the Junk Kook for his thoughts on the economy|
|I'll get by just fine without your plastic bread bag, Bill|
But let's be honest here: The scary world you describe is not going to happen in our lifetime. We don't live in Sudan, we live in America. Among other things, we have police, military, business, and multiple layers of government filled with fellow citizens who have a vested interest in keeping everything under control. The doom-speakers and fear-mongers like Jim Bakker know this too. That's why they take cold hard cash as payment for their products and speaking engagements. They prey on dimwits who've been watching too many scary movies. Think about it for a second: if Jim Bakker really thought the world was going to fall apart, wouldn't he be doing something to prevent it instead of catering to it?
|How much did Jim Bakker pay for your integrity, Bill?|
The show ends, then we get a five-minute commercial for foodbuckets.