Jim predicts food riots in 2012, attempts to fly

'I'm flying today bitches!'

The show begins with someone pounding away on the Morningside piano. Place an infant on a piano bench and let them smash the keys; that's what this sounds like. The extreme urgency with which it's being played causes me to wonder if there's a fire in the building or some other emergency. As Goober Miles announces the guests, I hear a couple Injun war cries coming from somewhere within Morningside. The camera pans the crowd and again I hear the howling, but I don't know who it's coming from. I honestly don't know what to expect when the camera hits that stage...based on what I know at this point, Bakker might be getting scalped by an Apache.

'What are those places called where the gays go for sex?'

Good News (or bad news depending on your perspective): Bakker is not getting scalped. He's on-stage with Lori and Mondo, and some sort of mystery guest off to the right side that he hasn't acknowledged yet. Jim talks about building an RV park at Morningside, then mentions that he's also building some Wilderness Camping gimmick. I'll bet he puts coin locks on the camping bathrooms to cover 'water expenses' or something absurd like that. Jim also mentions that he's building a bathhouse. He seems to hesitate a little bit when he says bathhouse, as if he's aware of the gay connotation associated with them. Jim's in weird territory here, and he pulls himself out by abruptly changing the subject to tents. In his words, "The best thing you can have besides food and water, is a tent...for emergencies." I don't know that a tent would be that high on my list of necessities, but then again I don't make my living reselling crap to old people at a markup, by whatever means necessary. Bakker lets us know that we should keep a tent in our car and a tent in our house, in case of emergency. Since nobody on the show is asking the obvious question, I will: "If I have a car and a house to sleep in, why would I sleep in a tent?"

This bonehead spent $6,000 on foodbuckets

Jim begins a profile on a Bakker zombie who drove all the way from Chicago to Morningside to buy those yummy foodbuckets that Jim sells. This bozo bought 14 years' worth of foodbucket slop from Jim. Even Jim sounds surprised by it. Either this guy is extremely stupid, or he's pulling a Jim Bakker move and reselling it at a higher price. We see a picture of this dumbass: He's standing outside a minivan of all things, and the entire rear compartment of the minivan is packed with foodbuckets. The vehicle is sitting low to the ground from all the foodbucket weight, and once he and his big wife step inside, it's gonna scrape the ground. Imagine what went on in this guy's head before making the big trip to Morningside? At some point this clown was watching The Jim Bakker Show and told himself, "I'ma buy me some foodbuckets, and I'ma buy 'em big. Oh yeah, Jim gonna 'member me! Hey honey, you think we can fit 56 foodbuckets in back a the van if I take out them rear seats?"

'Yay! More botox!'

Lori's is pleased with the big foodbucket sale as she talks about the guy coming in on a Saturday for the pickup. The total price of the foodbuckets was $6,000, and I believe the money made will likely go to the Botox fund so Lori can head on down to Florida again for some undeserved R&R. Now Mondo is up to praise the big sale. He explains that everyone on staff there loves Jim and 'tries to do whatever Jim asks us to do to make him happy', but he says that they all love the 'partners' even more than Jim. 'Partners' is the term used to describe all the inbreds that buy Jim's crap since it makes them feel like they're part of the show.

"Oh don't say that. Don't tell them..."

Mondo slips up and tells everyone that this guy saved $1400 in shipping costs by driving in for the pickup. Oh boy, Jim didn't like that. Immediately after Mondo mentions the shipping cost, Jim cuts him off and says, "Oh don't say that. Don't tell them..." The camera catches a brief glimpse of Jim with a 'yikes!' look on his face.  Mondo will be getting a good Bakker tongue-lashing after the show, but Jim better take it easy on him. Mondo's the kinda guy that can snap at any minute, he'll take one of those foodbuckets and shove it right up Bakker's ass.

Mystery guest's leg

There's a guest sitting off to the right of the stage. Every now and then I get a glimpse of the person's leg. But we're nearing the 6-minute mark here and Jim still hasn't acknowledged him (or her). And I haven't heard a peep come from the guest. But they're there, and Bakker is completely ignoring him. Or her. It must be very uncomfortable for this person.

Bakker fake vomiting?

Jim talks about traveling 'across America' with Mondo to those areas recently hit by flooding and tornadoes. I don't know if maybe Jim was reading his map wrong, but Missouri, Alabama and Mississippi wouldn't exactly take him 'across America'. It wouldn't take across anything really. But hey, Jim has to make himself look more important than he really is in order to properly deceive people through his voice of authority.

Bakker fake cries like a woman

He talks about being hit by the 'spirit of weeping' on his trip, and we see video of Jim weeping. There's no actual weeping going on, it's just Jim making a dry heave face, scrunching up his eyes and covering his mouth while simultaneously pinching his nose. His eyes are dry as a bone, the least he could do to sell us on the fake crying bit is breathe in the aroma of a freshly chopped onion or something to get them watery.

Another Bakker prediction

The fake crying segment was a preface for Jim to make disaster predictions. Jim's predicting revolution and food riots in America by 2012, citing a nameless economic expert but making clear that it's not fake Dr Larry Bates. Jim makes no mention of his failed June Entombment prediction. 

The forecast for today: Hot with a chance of heat stroke

Then out of the blue, Jim turns to his mystery guest and explodes into an introduction. He welcomes the guest, Bishop Ron Webb (not to be confused with Bishop Don 'Magic' Juan). Bishop Webb seems put-off that Bakker basically ignored him for 6 minutes while he sat up there roasting under the stage lights. And when I say roast, I mean roast. The Bishop is wearing a horrid grape-colored suit with a bordered lapel, and he's wearing a vest underneath...all hugging a thick white undershirt. That's three layers of unbreathable clothing hugging the man's body. Bishop Webb is a little slow on his responses, his eyes don't seem to be tracking well and he awkwardly flails his arms out there every now and then. I think the guy might be exhibiting early signs of heat stroke. He tells Bakker that he thinks God has impregnated Jim with the word...can someone please get this man some water?

A fidgety Bishop Webb grabbing his knees

Jim continues with his disaster discussion. After his food riot prediction, he states that the US economy is worse off than Greece, then asks, "How can we possibly be the most in-debt nation?" Hmm, I don't know Jim, maybe people are wasting money buying foodbuckets and tents from you? Or maybe they've just decided to stop paying their taxes...sound familiar?

Jim turns back to Bishop Ron Webb to include him in the discussion. One of the first signs of heat injury is uncontrollable bowels and diarrhea, and Bishop Webb looks extremely uncomfortable up there. He's grabbing his knees, sitting sideways, and his eyes are starting to glaze and cross. I don't know if anyone else is seeing this, but I am, and I'm growing concerned for the Bishop.

Jim flinches after clearing his throat

Jim announces that he's 'going back over his whole life' for the big 4th of July show, which is amazing considering that I just recapped Jim Bakker's whole life, too. Jim then clears his throat and flinches at whatever came up. About his life, Jim says, "I try to see, what have I done that's eternal?" How about screwing over about a million people on Heritage, USA timeshares? Don't worry Jim, I'm sure there's plenty of people out there who won't forget you

Bakker is now mixing in talk of the apocalypse with talk of abortion. He has a weird on-camera argument with himself when talking abortion: "Four thousand babies die every...they're not...no no, they don't die, they are killed...every day in the United States of America." As he's arguing with himself, he's pulling back and shaking his head. It looks like a little seizure he's experiencing, something I would expect more from the heat-stricken Bishop Ron Webb, not Bakker. Actually, no, I expect it from Bakker too.

'Alright Jim, I'm gonna head out...is my check up front?'

Speaking of  Bishop Webb, my heat injury concerns were unfounded. The guy isn't suffering from heat stroke, he's just a slow adult and the crossed-eyes and awkward style are normal. Even though he's a big suck-up to Jim, the guy looks like he's ready to leave now and collect his check. His body language reminds me of myself when preparing to leave a friend's house: he's sitting forward in the chair and leaning on his knees. The only thing missing are car keys in his hand.

Bakker working into a frenzy

Jim's working himself into a little apocalypse / abortion frenzy. Apocalypse is meant to scare people, abortion is meant to redirect that fear straight into Lori's House money. Jim is criticizing 'money churches', advising pastor's that they need to get off the 'money thing'. We see a shot of Bishop Webb and it looks like he's thinking, "Is this guy for real?" Hypocrite Jim is telling churches to stop asking for money, yet everyone on the set of Morningside knows that this show will end with a huge push for money, and lots of it. The Bakker Snake is a true master of deception.

Jim's up and he's pissed!

Now Jim is speaking in code words. He mentions a 'club' of people that are protecting 'pre-tribulation rapture'. He says they are 'lovely, godly people who will kill you if you disagree with them'. Then he adds, "Some day I am gonna tell the truth....and they will come for me." I think the heat from those stage lamps is getting to Jim now, because I don't know what the hell he's talking about.

Bakker has to squeeze past Webb

Whoa, Jim is up and he's pissed! He just threw down his cue cards and said towards the audience, "Do you people listen to me at all?" Bakker is coming out to the front of the stage, but first he has to squeeze past Bishop Webb's outstretched legs. Now he's up on the stage giving the 12 elderly people in attendance a good tongue-lashing.

"SQUAWK!"

I'm not sure where all this anger derives from but he's really going at 'em, Bakker is literally screaming at the top of his lungs. He's telling people not to listen to the gospel of money...ahh, maybe Jim is meeting criticism of himself head-on with a 'damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead!' stategy. Whatever it is, he's up there flapping his arms like a bird. His jacket is buttoned but something weird is going on with the look. Either his pants are too low, the jacket's too tight, or both.

Bakker in mid-flap

He's mixing in fake crying gulps with hoarse shrieking, he's rocking up and down on his legs and the flapping arms are helping him build strength in his lungs. I think Jim Bakker is attempting to fly. The flapping continues, sometimes he's hunched over like a goose running forward into flight, other times he's more like a sea bird jumping straight up into the air.

Jim almost grabbed his nuts for the final flap

One gigantic flap takes his arms straight down to his nuts, and for a second it appeared he was going to grab them for one final thrust towards the sky. And then he stops. He gives a couple baby flaps, but after the big nut flap I think he realized it wasn't happening. Jailbirds were not meant to fly, Jim.

Jim talks about Ricky, his adopted son. He says that Ricky is sitting at home all day playing 'killing' video games nowadays. Ricky, as we know, has completely disappeared from camera view for about a year now because he wasn't walking the Bakker line, and now the kid is playing video games all day. Bakker says he unplugged Ricky's video game system and took it away from him, so now Ricky is forced to hang out at Morningside with all the fat chicks and goobers that he has nothing in common with. His 'dad' is an elderly shyster who sells foodbuckets and thinks he can fly, his 'mom' is a fat plump'in with a brain full of Botox...what's a boy to do if he can't play video games? I'd insert a picture of Ricky, but we haven't seen Ricky in over a year so I can't. But we haven't forgotten you Ricky, hang in there!

A blue tarp. Jim is selling this.

The Bakker Bird wraps up the show with a push for enrollees into the new Valley Walker Club for $500, plus shipping. Membership in this Club gets you two tents, a statue of Jesus, a big blue tarp, a 'Navy Seal' wrist-band, and a signed book written by Lori. It's like a going-out-of-business sale, except that Jim's not going out of business. In fact, business has never been better!