Bakker being a wise-ass, Kevin Shorey returns

Bakker looks well-rested and very happy today

The Jim Bakker Show begins this morning with someone playing what I thought was 'Chopsticks' on the piano, but it's just a different take on the normal theme. Some new Master's Commission goober named Miles Richards is doing the opening announcements while also working the audio board. He flubs his lines when the camera hits him, but hearing the praise coming from Jim and Lori you'd think the kid was the next Rod Roddy. Speaking of Master's Commission, it's being called Master's Media now. Bakker probably figured he could make more money off it by not paying franchise fees and royalties.

Master's Commission goober

Seated onstage with Jim and Lori are Kevin Shorey, Mondo and Charlene Graham. Jim is sounding very upbeat today, he looks how I feel after a great night's sleep. He cracks a wise one right at the beginning of the show, Lori laughs and Jim shoots himself straight back into the couch with a big toothy smile. Wow, he really is happy, haven't seen this outta Jim for awhile. Maybe the Cameron Creepathon made more money than Jim expected? The Bakker Snake is feeling very comfortable in its scaly skin today, it'll be interesting to watch it slither.

Jim shoots himself back into the couch after cracking wise

The Crypt Keeper

Bakker chats a little with Lori and begins a sales-pitch for Master's Media graduation dvds, but before he can get deep into the pitch Lori makes a strange squirrel-like 'ak-ak' noise and Jim stops awkwardly; that part of the sales script must come later. Happy Jim cannot be dismayed today though, instead he pulls a little breakdance 'pop and lock' move to hand it over to Mondo (seated next to him). He says to Mondo, "Ask me about my shirt". Mondo asks him and now I understand Lori's squirrel-click noise. Bakker was supposed to make introductions first. Jim welcomes Mondo and then sings out a greeting to 'Mother Cha-aaar!', Lori's mother. Charlene Graham carries some weight around Morningside so it's important to acknowledge her: She is the registrant on record for all of Jim and Lori's 'non-profit organizations', or what you and I would call 'shams'. Kevin Shorey is also introduced to a big round of applause and cheers. Not sure if he's back for the long, heavy haul...we'll have to wait and see.

The American Parallelogram Flag

Bakker stands up to show everyone his 4th of July shirt: It's an ugly, scribbled American flag shirt made by his fattest daughter, Marisela. The stripes aren't of equal height, there are only 42 stars, and I don't even think it's a proper rectangle. It's more of a parallelogram. The thing is hideous, and they even had the nerve to replace one of the white stripes with The Jim Bakker Show 2011. Bakker makes a point to say, "I never put my name on buildings or anything", but explains that he has to put his name out there somehow so people can find him...so he puts his name on the American flag??  He should be embarrassed to sell such a thing, not as a good salesman but as a good American. Jim Bakker, the soulless ghoul, again shows that he knows no shame.

4x might be a bit tight, how bout a 5x?

The shirt is available for $20 (plus shipping) in the following sizes:

• small
• medium
• large
• 1x,2x,3x,4x

4-friggin'-x? That's four times the size of a large human being. Is Bakker broadcasting to cattle farms across the country?

Now Bakker moves into his scare tactics but his tone is still oddly upbeat. I think we're in for another foodbucket push today. Jim cites a bunch of random 'bad news' and displays slides on the tv as he calls them out. How random is the 'bad news'? Here's a list:

1. American Economy
2. American Economy
3. E. coli outbreak in Europe
4. American Economy
5. Israel skirmishes
6. Japan - nuclear disaster
7. 4.2 'temblor' hits St Louis
8. Snow in Hawaii
9. Volcano in Yellowstone
10. Volcano in Yellowstone

"They finally told the truth about Japan"

When Jim mentions Japan, he adopts a sanctimonious tone as he snorts, "You know, they finally told the truth, by the way, about Japan." How about telling the truth about how much you're making on those foodbuckets Jim? Bakker then takes a real wise-ass approach to his disaster news for Hawaii: "By the way, summertime and it's snowing in Hawa-ii". This sarcastic Jim Bakker is almost likeable, except for the ripping-people-off-with-foodbuckets part.

Get your food while you still can

Bakker revisits the very frightening word that God gave him for June. Hide the kids and pull the shutters, because this is a very scary word: entombment. After Jim says the word, he stresses the rhyme under his breath, "jUNE enTOMBment". Hold on Bakker, is that really how you came up with that word? Come on man, be honest. Is the next one gonna be 'September Dismember'? For the record, Jim believes there will be mudslides entombing people all over the world in June. Let's all cross out the first three weeks of June since they have been mudslide-free. He has one more week left...anyone else think Jim Bakker is actually praying for mudslides?

An adult Shorey in full gallop

Oh boy, here we go as Bakker cuts to the chase. Food supplies are low, grab some foodbuckets while you still can. Jim adds an interesting twist: Bakker is being forced to raise prices soon because, naturally, food prices are going up. You are a slick one, Mr Bakker.

King Bakker taps his fat court jester for entertainment, he tells Kevin, "Sing a song...sing it just for me." Shorey peels himself out of his chair and quickly gallops across the stage to sing an uptempo rendition of Valleywalker. If you don't already know the song, it consists of 3-4 lines which repeat all the way through...good for the elderly audience to get a handle on. The house band is playing inside what looks to be a cabana. I notice that Shorey now gets his website listed for all of 3 seconds when he starts singing so that might be part of his deal now.

Kevin tearing into a song

Kevin finishes his song to a round of applause, then there's an awkward moment when he's trapped on the side of the stage as King Bakker and his Queen begin talking. Jim instructs him to just walk across, Lori tells him 'you know how we do it here', and Kevin sheepishly gets back in his seat while muttering 'sorry' on the mic. I can tell there are still some hurt feelings on that set...not for Jim, but for everyone else. The Bakker Snake doesn't have feelings.

Never touch Bakker when he's talking

Silver Sol brought me back from the grave!

As Lori interrupts Jim's happiness to hawk Silver Sol, you can see Bakker's demeanor instantly change from happy to angry. But Lori knows best, and Bakker is happy again when he enters his big Silver Sol pitch. This stuff cures everything under the sun, Lori says it helps her hot flashes and Jim says it cures his bad breath. Airhead Lori says it even 'works great on bruises'. Lori's mom, the Crypt Keeper, gets in on the Silver Sol sales-pitch too. I don't know what coffin they dug up to bring her out but the woman looks like a corpse. I imagine that Lori gave her directions to her plastic surgeon on Florida, but the Crypt Keeper took a wrong turn somewhere and wound up with an embalmer instead. She's trying to doll things up, but for who? Count Dracula? Enough already, you're old. Give it up. And stop trying to sell me on the $100 Silver Sol, it's quackery and you know it.

Bakker attempting to fly

Bakker spends a lot of time talking about Lori's House, his latest big money project. He says that the land has already been paid for and they're breaking ground now. When the Crypt Keeper holds up the deed to the Lori's House land, Jim gets real animated. As he cheers he flaps his arms around like a bird and punches Mondo on the shoulder. I bet this guy slept about 10 hours last night, straight through with no waking. Maybe he was constipated and he finally moved everything out. Whatever it was, I want some of it because he's on top of the world here. Bakker is popping himself off the couch, going 'Whoo!', and his voice is strong when he shouts instead of having that warbling quality. Whoa.....maybe it was the Silver Sol?

Jacket caught on chair

As we near the end of the show, Bakker hawks a couple of his books then taps Shorey once more for a song. Kevin makes the mistake of entering small-man's land: The assembled tables and chairs of the Morningside audience. Big Kevin has no business out there, the pathways are way to small for him to be lumbering about and I fear he's going to experience every fat man's worst nightmare: He'll get stuck between tables and have to ask someone to move their chairs for him.

Holy shit, I think I'm stuck!

He's out there singing and his 4x jacket is already laying over someone's chair. As he sings into a closeup, I catch his eyes dart back and forth as he scans for a suitably-sized route through the maze. Kevin and I both wipe our brows as he finds sweet freedom in a wide-open space near the back. This is Kevin Country, and it feels good.

Sweet Freedom!

Jim wraps up the show with one more push at the foodbuckets. He eyes his secret sales-notes on the table in front of him and claims that food is going to double in price so now is the time to get your overpriced slop bucket from him. Mondo gets in on the sleazy pitch and makes sure to remind us about the Silver Sol too.