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Saturday, July 2, 2011

Jim Bakker: This is your life!

'Visit JimBakkerShow.com if you'd like to buy my crap'
[Ralph Edwards] Welcome to This Is Your Life, where we recap our special guest's life by bringing in mystery guests from their past. I'm Ralph Edwards, and tonight we welcome on Jim Bakker, defrocked pastor, convicted felon and host of The Jim Bakker Show. I should mention before we get started that Jim has a couple books available for purchase through his website. He also has Silver Sol, Dehydrated Emergency Food, Grab n' Go Backpacks, Magic Healing Wristbands, and Jackoff Flashlights available through his website, www.jimbakkershow.com. Now, let's get started with our first mystery guest!
"Jim confided in me for years. Marriage problems, money issues, everything. Whenever he'd stick his fingers in me, he'd giggle and give me a little kiss on the nose with those weird lips of his. We'd shower together, then he'd sing me a gospel song while he dressed me."

'Ohhh.....Ohhh....'
[Jim Bakker] Oh my, this is embarassing...[brow furrows] Is that you Jessica? I've been praying for you.
[Ralph Edwards] Jessica who, Jim?
[Jim Bakker] [coughs through the name] Ha*cough*hn. Hahn.
[Ralph Edwards] No Jim, it's not Jessica Hahn, but it is another lady friend from your past. Let's bring out Susie Moppet, Jim's puppet from CBN!
[Jim Bakker] Ohh...ohhh [begins fake crying]

A rumpled Susie Moppet puppet is brought out to Jim. Jim inserts his hand into Susie and deftly animates the doll. Susie shakes Jim's hand, then they both lean in and rub noses together. Jim tells the audience that he's known Susie for years and thought she'd died in the great CBN puppet apocalypse of 1972.

[Ralph Edwards] Alright Jim, now we're ready for our second mystery guest.
"Jim Bakker and I, we were more than just lovers. We were life partners. I remember the first time we met, he wept uncontrollably in my arms. Our relationship got off to a rocky start; Jim insisted that he liked being alone and wanted to keep things that way. It took a little work, but I eventually convinced him that a man as gentle as Jim Bakker needed a companion to trot through life with. I still remember how he would whimper as we made love."
'Is your face healed up yet, Lori?'
[JB] I know this one [lips curl into that Jim Bakker shyster grin]. Lori! I thought you were in Florida getting your botox injections from Carl "Dr Seychelle" Palmer?
[RE] Oh Jim, have we got a surprise for you. That's not Lori.
[JB] [grins like a child] Oh it isn't? Well I like surprises. [Turns to audience and nods head] Don't you like surprises?
[RE] Jim, it's not Lori behind that curtain...Ladies and gentleman, traveling direct from cell 69 of the Federal Correction Institution in Jessup, GA, it's Jim's prison cellmate, Rodney White!
[JB] Ohh...ohhh [Bakker appears physically ill]

'Not my asshole again!'
Rodney, a large man weighing about 300 lbs, is escorted out by four corrections officers, one on each limb. He's wearing leg-irons and his arms are cuffed in front of him. Bakker shifts uncomfortably in his chair as Rodney shuffles over to him and leans ominously over Jim. Bakker avoids eye contact...that is, until Rodney quickly grabs him by the collar with his cuffed hands. Rodney is heard telling Jim in a hushed voice, "Your ass is mine Bakker." Rodney growls at Bakker, then the guards intervene and hurriedly rush Rodney backstage. Jim is visibly shaken and Ralph Edwards sends us out for a commercial break.

'The Minister's Markup is a flat 200% above our cost.'
As we come back from the break, a composed Bakker is chit-chatting with Edwards about the 'Minister's Markup' he adds to foodbuckets. Bakker is all smiles once again, and Edwards continues.

[RE] Our guest today is Jim Bakker. Alright Jim, let's see who else wants to stop by and say hello!
"Jim always had a certain charm to him. We knew what we were doing was wrong but we couldn't help ourselves. He'd pick me up at bars after taping PTL, we'd have a few drinks, then we'd head to a cheap motel somewhere off the interstate. Yes, it was wrong, but at the time it felt so right. I had a nickname for him...I used to call him my 'little wet noodle'. He loved it...in fact every time I'd say it he'd growl his approval."

'You are a liar David Taggart!'
[JB] [brow furrows, face turns red] These are lies. You are a liar David!
[RE] That's right Jim, it's David Taggart!

David Taggart, Jim Bakker's former assistant, PTL-defendant and rumored gay-lover, prances out from behind the curtain and blows a kiss towards Jim. Taggart tells the audience that prison finished the job that Bakker began on him, and he is now fully transgendered.

[JB] [wagging a bony finger at Ralph Edwards] You take this harlot away from me Ralph! You take him away now!

Taggart blows another kiss towards Bakker and is then politely escorted offstage.  The show enters into commercial break.


'...reminds of Nana Bakker's pot pies'
Returning from the break, Bakker is fake crying while telling the audience how Foodbucket Cacciatore reminds him of his grandmother's fresh-baked chicken pot pies.

[RE] Wow Jim, it's quite a life you've had huh?
[JB] [lips curl into the shyster grin] Yes, it is.
[RE] Would you change anything?
[JB] [ponders question, then curls his lips up] Not a thing.
[RE] [in affectedly-serious tone] Well then, let's bring out your next guest.

"My sodium levels are very high. I'm round and heavy, and inbreds love me at mealtime. I'm overpriced considering my mediocre nature, and truth be told you could do much better for the money. I won't lie though: If the Apocalypse arrived tomorrow, I could feed a family of four...with food to spare."

'Our foodbuckets are better'
[JB] Wow Ralph, you know that sounds a little like those Food For Health dehydrated food buckets you can buy at Costco and Amazon. [Turns to audience and nods head] But you should buy ours instead..our Food For Health foodbuckets are better.
[RE] No Jim, even though this guest is a Costco platinum member, he is not a foodbucket. Let's meet him...Kevin, why don't you come on out!

Kevin Shorey steps out from behind the curtain but his shoe catches on the curtain. A stagehand helps pull the curtain off his shoe, but inadvertently pulls of Kevin's shoe in the process. Kevin, physically unable to bend over and replace his shoe, motions to the stagehand to slip it back on. An exasperated Kevin finally lumbers over to Bakker, whose hands are stuffed deep into his pockets to avoid the pending handshake. The two men stand side-by-side on stage, facing the audience. Jim attempts small talk and asks Kevin how his wife 'Sally' is doing, to which Kevin replies, "Cindy is good, Cindy's good." Jim asks how the kids are doing, to which Kevin replies, "I don't have any kids. Working on it though, hehe [laughs uncomfortably]".

[RE] Okay you two, put a lid on the war stories because we have one more guest ready to walk back into Jim's life. Guest 5, go!
"Jim Bakker is a convicted swindler and cheat. He took millions of dollars from people and used it to pad his own pockets. He's a slimeball and a liar and if he says there will be thunderstorms tomorrow, then I'm packing suntan lotion and flip-flops. He owes a lot of people a lot of money and he should not be trusted with money in any way, shape or form. Frankly speaking, I wouldn't even let the guy wash my car."

'Is it the IRS?' [gasp]
[JB] [eyes widen into saucers, face flushes completely white as Jim shakily whispers to Edwards] Is it the IRS?
[RE] Don't worry Jim, no it's not the IRS. Any other guesses?
[JB] [dry-mouthed and gulping air like a fish, hoarsely replies] No. [Jim looks like he's going to vomit.] No, no more guesses. [Jim dry-heaves through the word 'guesses']
[RE] Alright Jim, well then we've come to the end of the line. Your last guest of the evening, to cap off a long career and an even longer rap-sheet...Ladies and Gentleman, Jesus Christ himself!


'I love this man!'
Jim Bakker begins fake-crying and mouthing a smile. His complexion returns and his mouth instantly lubricates. Jesus begrudgingly floats over to Bakker. Jim hugs him while Jesus' arms remain slack at his sides. As Jim hugs Jesus and fake cries, a camera catches Jim's face. His eyes are wide open and dry while he gasps out the words, "I love this man". Jim pulls away and asks Jesus if he's met Kevin, then turns his back on Jesus and faces toward the audience.


[JB] You know, Jesus tells us in the Bible to 'be prepared'. Are you prepared?

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

it's very funny. I am really enjoy it.
mama San

Anonymous said...

Some people may not think any of this is true, but if you look back into the records during the PTL years he was accused of gay activities and also Jessica Hahn which his followers look the other way because they just want to believe in Bakker. Your "this is your life" was just great and I look forward to the next feature.

Anonymous said...

jim had gay affairs all throughout his days at PTL. its common knowledge in the gay community in charlotte.

Anonymous said...

This is off topic but can anyone tell me where those mudslides were in June?

Nedzo said...

I want my "NOW" cap "NOW!!!!!!!!!LOL!!
Because "I CARE" LOL!!

Anonymous said...

The Stella's House entertainers must be really bringing in the cash. The price of tickets, passports and such have to cost a bundle for all those kids to be shipped in. Last year a few girls were brought in and this year boys have been added to the list. More crying kids means more bucks for Jim and Philip.

Anonymous said...

Jim's 50th speech must have been really easy to write. "I was the first to do this". "I was the first to do that". I wish he went of finished the story. "I did Jessica Hanh". "I cheated thousand of Christians out of their money" Jim, you are one evil dude.

Anonymous said...

Did either of the REAL Bakker kids show up for Jimbo's 50th? Tammy Sue seemed like a good kid, I would like to see her again. I would imagine that she was invited.

Anonymous said...

I often wonder why neither Jay nor Tammy Sue show up on Jim's show. I also miss Kevin Shorey on the show because he always brought a ray of sunshine. But, I am glad Kevin has struck out on his own, I hope he does well. I am not posting here to run people down and make fun of them. I do like to read about what happened to some of the people who disappeared off the show that I really liked to watch.

ron said...

I still haven't had a chance to watch the 50th show, hopefully I can get a new blog post up later in the week.

Hi Anonymous,

You may enjoy the blog post titled "Kevin Shorey: Remembering Jim's Massive Minstrel"

It's a kind-hearted look at Kevin...or as kind as I can be to a person complicit in Bakker's scheming. Kevin's easy to like because he's fat and jolly, but he's also playing into Jim's scare tactics in order to pad his own pockets. All the people on that stage are doing the same. I mean let's face it, they're not just asking for tithes and offerings up there.

Thanks for taking the time to comment, I do appreciate the input!

Anonymous said...

No Tammy Sue, no Jay, no Kevin, no Bill Ballenger, etc. etc. etc...where oh where have all the people gone? The way he throws around big names like the Grahams, the Copeland, etc. etc. etc....where oh where were they?

Thankfully the ever humble Jim filled us in on all that he accomplish through the 700 club, PTL, etc. What a hero, why didn't I realize sooner that he should be my idol! lol.(puke).

I was thrilled when he explained how he got the sand and palm trees around his pool at the christian country club he built. The palm trees would die in North Carolina winters so they were wrapped in heavy plastic and heaters were installed at the base to save them.

Congratulations to all the gullible Christians, that is how your money was spent...Heated palm trees, air conditioned dog houses, Jessica Hahn....etc. etc. etc.

Well if Morningside doesn't work out there is a guy called Weiner out of a job in Washington. They need another crook in Washington. Yah, great idea let's send him there to work off his tax debt. lol, lol, lol

Nedzo said...

Where is Trystan????? Did she get FIRED too???
Looks like SASHA is the new Morningside Chick of the day???

Daniel said...

Sorry everyone, I used a new page break feature in my blog which required you to click 'read more'. As a result, some people didn't see the end of this post which describes Jim's reaction to Jesus.

Anonymous said...

Is Bakker on vacation? I keep getting nothing but the 50th anniversary over and over on the internet. Enough already. I found it very interesting that there were few guests of any substance, just a lot of grey hair and Philip Cameron and the Moldova girls. Yawn. Cameron might be more financially stable is he wasn't flying the girls back and forth from Moldova so much. The program is perhaps more obnoxious than the good old days as it is now an infomercial and the product is Jim Bakker. That is no great surprise but there was a time when there was a little legit. ministry that didn't involve the book of Revolation.

The IRS said...

I agree, it is a big yawn right now. Bakker and Co are probably taking themselves on a nice all-expenses-paid vacation in Florida or the Bahamas. Keep your eyes peeled for gorgeous tans after they come back.

Lori will probably have new botox injections too.

Anonymous said...

I can't blame Jay for not making the command performances when his father disrespects him so by insisting on continuing to call him Jamie Charles. That takes rudeness to a new level. It is manipulative disrespect. He may feel he has the right to call his son whatever he wants but Jay also has the right to take a hike when it continues to happen.

Anonymous said...

JIM IS ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT WHAT HE HAS DONE. IKNOW HE IS MARRIED TO SIMEONE ELSE WHICH SEEMS TO BE A VERY NICE LADY BUT ITS LIKE JIM FORGOT ABOUT TAMMY FAYE WHICH WAS THERE THRU IT ALL AND HE NEVER GAVE ANY CREDIT TO HER. SHE LOST EVERYTHING HOME CLOTHES ALMOST HER CHILDREN , DIGNITY PRIDE AND SELF RESPECT. AND IF SOMEONE WHOLES AGAINST HER NOT SHE MARRIED THE CONTRACTOR FOR PTL AT LEAST SHE DIDNT DO JIM LIKE HE DID HER. HE COMPLETELY FORGOT HER. AND IN SOME WAYS I CAN SEE HIM TREATING LORI LIKE HE DID TAMMY. ITS ALMOST LIKE WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY IS MOMITORED. GIVE CREDIT WHERE ITS DUE. HE DIDNT GET WHERE HE GOT WITHOUT SOMEONE STANDING BESIDE HIM. AND FROM WHAT I HEARD HE DIDNT SHOW RESPECT WHEN SHE DIED. AND THEY WERE FOR SO MANY YEARS AND HAD CHILDREN.

Judy said...

I wonder why most of you posted under anonymous, probably because you don't know what your talking about. How many of you have met Jim Bakker? I went to Morningside for a week, armed only with the information I had read or seen on TV. Jim & Lori are down to earth people and I was treated like an old friend. I was never ask for a dime. EVERYONE makes mistakes. I believe everyone is entitled to a second chance. The Bible says "He who is without sin, cast the first stone". Don't you guys have anything better to do than too bash someone you don't know? And why don't you look up the facts beforehand , or- take a look in the mirror and think .....Should I Judge Anyone? God Bless You All

Anonymous said...

I meet Jim Bakker every morning on my tv, and every single time he asks me for money. He also tries to scare me about roving gangs and tsunamis.

Are you talking about the same Jim Bakker?

Anonymous said...

Jim needs to get a job a quit begging And taking advantage of stuped people

Anonymous said...

are there any other preachers out there teaching from the book of revelation? daniel, matthew 24. to open eyes to the coming disasters and tribulation we shall all face?

linda walton said...

This message is for people who say bad things about Jim baker judge not lest ye be judge. I like Jim.baker I watch his show everyday at 1130am eastern time. what ever he went through in the past is water under the bridge he has a good heart thank the lord. for repentance in Jesus name

Anonymous said...

Jim has one of the worst cases of "gay face" of anyone walking the planet. How anyone could NOT think the man is at least bisexual is beyond my understanding. Does anyone else think that the pudgy flamer who is his sidekick on his current show is probably his "special friend" now?

To his credit, at least Bakker doesn't drag gays in a hypocritical manner like many of his ilk does. That's quite savvy on his part, because if he did he would be begging to be outed like Ted Haggard was.

As long as he continues to leave the subject alone, the L&G community do not consider him a target.