|A Branson Brothel|
Oh look, here are our two special guests for the day, Dr Stephen Swisher and his snake-eyed wife, Kellie Copeland-Swisher. Whore spotted!
|Has Madame Lori discovered the virtues of Opium?|
|Kellie Copeland with third husband, fifth child|
It gets worse. Kellie has two children with her first husband. She has an additional two children with her second husband. And now she has a child with her third husband. Hey New Guy, if you value your marriage then I would suggest not having that second child with Kellie. Call it a hunch.
|Super Snake Kenneth Copeland|
|Dr Stephen Swisher, Sad Sack|
Bakker finds relief from this awkwardness in the form of a baby. Kellie and the New Guy's baby, Emily. This baby represents step 1 of 2 towards the ultimate destination of divorce for Swisher-Copeland and the New Guy. Since all of her husbands divorce her after the second child, she's already halfway there.
|$20 bucks a ride, but double-divorcees ride free!|
Can you guess who the fake doctor is today? Why, it's none other than the fake Dr Stephen Swisher, proud owner of an honorary degree from Dorchester University in England. What field is his honorary doctorate in? Who cares! The point is that he can add that title to his name when he writes books or gives speeches so people will be deceived into thinking he actually knows what he's talking about. It's sort of the same reason his wife continues to use the Copeland last name. But hey, maybe he does know what he's talking about, I don't know. But if my surgeon had an honorary medical degree, he wouldn't be my surgeon. To be fair though, if my surgeon looked like a camel, he wouldn't be my surgeon either.
|Kellie Copeland, Ball Constrictor|
|Archive photo of a young Kellie Copeland on the prowl|
|Jim Bakker needs to be bitch-slapped|
Oh no, Lori just gave us an update on 16-year-old Marie and it's not good. According to Lori, Marie announced that she wants an arranged marriage. Jim drops his jaw for the 'I'm shocked' effect, even though he obviously already knew this. Lori follows his lead, mouth opened wide.
|Jim Bakker and Master Yoda: Separated at birth?|
This is terrible, Marie. You couldn't be more wrong about these things. I do believe that Lori is watching out for your best interest; unfortunately, Lori Graham can't even be trusted to watch out for herself. She's had five abortions, was a drug addict, and there's a good chance that she has accepted money for sex at some point in her life. She is certainly, most certainly, not hearing from God, Marie. That's just her own voice in her head, the same voice that advised her to marry an ex-convict and have five abortions. That same voice now tells her that it's alright to sell $10,000 statues of Jesus and lie to old people to take their money. She may be your quasi-mom-guardian of some sort, but that doesn't mean she should be your role model. Look outside of Morningside for a role model, trust me.
|Jim and Lori Bakker acting shocked on-camera|
|Lori Bakker: Do you really think she hears from God?|
You still have a couple years before your 18th birthday to change your mind. But once you hit 18 years of age, Jim's gonna pimp you right out to whomever he determines to be the most camera-friendly, whichever good-looking kid has the biggest money-making potential for him. He might even demand a dowry. All I can say is that you'd better pray, as hard as you can possibly pray, that Philip Cameron doesn't get a whiff of this. That guy will be at your doorstep tomorrow, wedding ring in one hand, dick in the other.
|When Zach's shirt explodes open, we're gonna see man-boobs|
Back on the dating theme, Jim and Lori are ribbing Zach about dating for some reason. This isn't friendly ribbing, there's something else going on behind the scenes and it doesn't bode well for Zach. He tries to be diplomatic about things when he remarks that 'Lori always gives her approval or disapproval to anyone I bring to her', to which Lori replies, "You better believe it." Then Lori honks threateningly like a goose guarding its goslings. She also referred to him as 'Zachary' in this exchange. You'd better stop while you're ahead, Zach. Jim and Lori don't seem like the sort of people who would just brush off minor insubordination...especially when it comes from a mediocre fat kid.
Speaking of mediocre fat kids, there's a new one in town and his name's Braydon Rogers.
Click here to proceed to part 2 of Jim Bakker welcoming Kellie Copeland-[Insert Name Here].