|Does Braydon have a conehead?|
|Melody's gummy smile|
|Melody's dad wants to be a star|
|Nolan goes the extra mile for Bakker|
|Nolan and pal cooking up slop in the Morningside Kitchen|
|Is Sasha getting dumber in 'college'?|
|Dolph and Little Lori|
|HONK IF YOU'RE NAKED!|
Enough with the marriage nonsense, Jim Bakker's gotta get back to business. He tells us that in a few weeks, Master's Media will be out of funds. Laughing, he assures us that this is 'no big deal' because "We kinda live on the edge all the time." Do you hear that, you mindless Bakker zombies? Jim Bakker telling us all that he lives on the edge all the time. There's a solution to that: Stop misusing peoples' money. Stop giving Philip Cameron a hundred-thousand dollars per visit for the Moldovan Harem House. Stop building RV parks, bathhouses and swimming pools. The solution to 'living on the edge' is to not live on the edge.
|The 'Mater's Media Special'|
|Sasha calls this 'Classy looking"|
There's another hideous looking piece that Jim pumps up. It's a necklace with a pendant that reads, once again, Jesus. To sell this thing is sacrilege, can't his zombies see that? Sasha calls it "classy looking". Dumb as a rock, I tell ya. Is Master's Media actually causing these kids to devolve? My god, I hope we don't see Zach eating a banana next.
|Kellie Copeland's slutty red heels|
|Jim Bakker flashes his forked tongue|
I shoulda known that Bakker was planning something with his repeated use of the word 'prophet', as we get a little prosperity gospel from good ol' Jim Bakker. Jim quotes Matthew 10:41 which apparently tells us:
[Matthew 10:41] "If you sponsor a Master's Media prophet-in-training for Jim Bakker, you will receive all of the money that they make later in life as a return on your investment."Jimmy, my boy, you never let me down! You, sir, are as dependable as the sunrise. I know that every morning when I turn that tv on, you'll be right there ready to convince me why my money should be yours. What a slithering, disgusting snake you are. Do me a favor and go dunk your big head in a toilet.
|Zach has officially stepped over to the Dark Side|
In case we didn't understand him the first time, Jailbird Jim reminds us again that if we give him money to support his prophets, we'll be sitting pretty come payday. I thought Jim had renounced the prosperity gospel? Maybe he's feeling the effects of having Kellie Copeland sitting so close to him? She must be carrying the same stink that her dad carries, and it's rubbing off on Jim today.
|Jim Bakker casts a spell over his Zombie Army|
Jim pretends that he just decided to throw in yet another bonus with every purchase of a Master's Media scholarship. Now he's giving us a dvd of Dolph and Lori's wedding. Bakker and the Madame share a laugh when they recount Jim forgetting the wedding ring for Little Lori. Oh I don't think Jim forgot the ring, Lori. I think he dropped it off at a jeweler to have all the diamonds ripped out, then forgot to pick it up before heading to the chapel.
|Jim Bakker sells this hunk of junk for $1000|
|The Ball Constrictor spots a delicious rat in the corner|
|How do you spell Swisher? S-A-D S-A-C-K|
|The Camel extends his long-fingered paw|
So now our little love story enters the Twilight Zone. The Ball Constrictor told the Camel that if he could get her home phone number from the Holy Spirit, she would go out with him. He says he started rattling off the number, getting two correct before missing the third "by one digit'. He says that, in less than 5 minutes, he had the whole number figured out. Guess what Dr Swisher, if the Holy Spirit had given you the number, you would have had it two seconds. You wouldn't have missed the third number. Five minutes is an awful long time for grown adults to play a stupid 'guess my phone number' game, don't ya think? Did you just start naming every number at the end until she said yes? Why not just hang-up, ask the Senate Finance Committee that investigated her father for the number, then call her back and knock her socks off in just one try?
|"Hello, I'm Satan. What would you like to buy today?"|
[Prison Warden] [answering phone] "Yeah, what's up?"
[Prison Guard] "Hey, Bakker's threatening to hang himself again."
[Warden] "With what? Didn't you already take his shoelaces last week?"
[Guard] "Yeah, but now he's pulled all the elastic out of his waistband."
[Warden] "Does he realize that elastic isn't strong enough to hang himself with?"
[Guard] [laughing] "I tried telling him, but he interrupts me with sobs. In fact when I just came to call you, he latched onto my leg like a little kid and begged me not to go. I think Chester really did a number on him in the upper bunk."
[Warden] [laughing] "And what does Chester have to say about this?"
[Guard] "Well, you know how intense Chester gets when he smells fear in his cellmates? He must smell it on Bakker, because he just gives the guy this wild-eyed look and yells out some sort of crazy-sounding Indian war cry."
[Warden] [laughing] "Well maybe Jimmy Bakker should have thought about this before Jimmy Bakker decided to rip people off in the name of religion?"
[Guard] [laughing] "Yeah, and maybe Jimmy should have thought out the elastic plan before he removed it, because now Jimmy's pants don't stay up and Chester thinks he's flirting with him."
|Kellie Copeland devouring her last husband|
The story just sort of ends there, with the Camel going to the Copeland residence to speak to Kenneth and his old bag wife, Gloria. They tell him, in so many words, that they would love to unload their adult daughter on him. We never hear how many more 'dates' this hypocrite goes on with the Camel, but she's given us no reason to think that she stuck by the 'no dating' mantra she preaches.
|Copeland looking for her next meal|
Post-show, Jim Bakker plays a five-minute commercial full of clips of himself begging for more money. Bakker's been doing this a lot lately. He tells us that he needs money to stay on the air, then he fills that air with commercials. Why not just get rid of the entire 'show' and run an hour of commercials, Jim?