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Saturday, November 26, 2011

Dr Gary Smalley gives marriage advice, Bakker stays mum on Hahn

'I just made a million dollars last week selling space food!'
We see Jim this morning and it looks like the guy is going to explode. He has a big Cheshire Cat grin on his face and is clenching his fists as he screams out a big welcome to the camera. If we could get a good closeup, I bet we'd see big dollar signs in his eyeballs from the previous week's foodbucket marathon. Recession? What recession?

Jim's wearing a motorcycle jacket that Lori must have ordered from her Macy's catalog. I'm certain that the catalog model looked nothing like Jim. The man Lori saw wearing that jacket was likely tall, dark and handsome, with a clear conscience and no criminal record. Contrast that with the stark reality of Jim Bakker: A short, ugly ex-con who wears shoe lifts and resembles a frog. A sexed-up frog of unknown sexual orientation, who likes to bang church secretaries and hang out in steam rooms with other men. The only thing Jim Bakker would've had in common with that catalog model are his big ol' capped teeth. Well, that and the jacket that they're now both wearing.

Bakker fooling old people into thinking that this is his Star
The show today is about marriage, which explains the jacket. Lori is about 20 years younger than Jim, so she's gotta dress the guy up in something contemporary to pretend to herself that he's a viable man that other women lust for. It's probably the only way Lori can bare to look at the guy without laughing in his face.

Jim starts off the marriage show talking about his big marketing trip to LA to hang with the Winans sisters while they received the star they paid for on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. If we had no audio and had to decipher the trip through the images Jim is flashing on-screen, we would think he's the one who received the star. There's Jim and Lori in front of 'their star' taking a photo. And there's Bakker, on-stage with BeBe Winans at a concert. At every opportunity, Bakker is cramming his ugly mug in with the Winans so he can gain access to their fans while also deceiving his own.
Jim Bakker and the Winans Sisters
 Are the Winans so stupid that they don't realize Jim is trying to legitimize himself by being seen in public with them? Don't they realize that this is the same man who once sold EMF Neutralizer Stickers and Magical Strength Bracelets on his show? The same saleshound who sells Sleep Bands on his website for $50? BeBe and CeCe Winans, you are fools. Or maybe you're in on the racket...After all, BeBe was once arrested for domestic violence and CeCe is an admitted best friend of Mega-Kook Whitney Houston. Sometimes the cleanest-looking people are the ones who secretly don't wipe their ass. With all this public support for the Bakker Snake, I can only assume that if you get close enough to the Winans Sisters, you'll find out that they smell like shit.

Someone gave Gary Smalley an honorary doctorate
Marriage Expert Dr Gary Smalley is one of Bakker's guests today, but he's not really a doctor unless you count honorary degrees as official. I found evidence online suggesting that he's a bit of a pseudo-scientific quack, which may explain why he doesn't have or couldn't get an actual doctorate. Aside from the phony doctorate issue, I can also confirm that the fake Dr Gary Smalley is a salesman extraordinaire. I visited the guy's website and in two seconds was hit with the largest advertising banner I think I've ever seen on the internet. I literally had to lean back from my computer screen to read it. I know the guy wants to make money, but Jesus man you can make things a little less conspicuous?

Moose Bakker and her husband, Mr Bland
The other guests for today are Jim and Lori's fake daughter Maricela and her big-beaked husband, John. Maricela is Jim and Lori's second-fattest daughter, and I think the second-oldest. It seems that these girls get fatter with age, which I suppose is acceptable to an extent provided there is an upper limit to their weight. The problem is that I don't think there's an upper limit. It doesn't appear to me that this moose will ever plateau and level off, she's just getting bigger and bigger with each passing day. Her husband with the big beak can't be happy with this.

Mr Bland's nose is a perfect triangle
Maricela's husband, Mr Bland, is completely unremarkable as a human other then the fact that he has a schnoz shaped like a perfect triangle. If I were mugged by this kid and had to tell the police what he looked like, I'd say that he looked like every other person I've seen in my life, except for that nose. In profile, you can't miss him.
[Detective] "Now sir, I want you to look at each person in the lineup and tell me who robbed you.
[Me] "Can you have them turn sideways please? I need to see them in profile."
[Detective instructs lineup to face left] "Okay sir, do you recogni..."
[Me] "Number three. That's him."
Didn't I just eat her for Thanksgiving?
Jim asks the newlyweds if they've had any fights since they've been married. They have. What could they possibly fight about in such a short amount of time, if not Moose's weight? Did she stink up the toilet without spraying? Maybe they brushed shoulders while walking past each other in the kitchen and Mr Bland took offense? The guy must be on edge 24/7 with all that extra beef in the house. Imagine how suffocating it must be to share air with that blimp?

The growing problem in this marriage is self-evident. It's Maricela's weight. I wonder if marriage expert fake Dr Gary Smalley will touch on this today? that you?
Now it's time for Gary Smalley to get on the mic. This guy reminds me an awful lot of the space-faring cult leader, Marshall Applewhite. Remember the guy that wanted to hitch a ride on a spaceship he thought was flying behind the Hale-Bopp comet? Perhaps Mr Applewhite actually did make contact with the spacecraft, then flew back in time and came back to earth as Gary Smalley?

Gary Smalley describing alien worlds
Dr Smalley has a habit of looking up into his brain while he's speaking on-camera. As a client, it must be a bit disconcerting as it makes you wonder if he really knows what he's talking about or if he's making it up as he goes along. Lucky for him Dr Smalley doesn't have to wing it, as Bakker, Lori, Moose and Mr Bland each have copies of his book open to prompt the fake doctor along as he offers his sage advice. Shouldn't they all have bibles open instead?

It's funny to hear a guy with a fake doctorate give advice on marriage and relationships. He doesn't have a real degree, yet he decides to use the fake title to trick people into thinking he's qualified to counsel them. Shouldn't someone be counseling him on his need to deceive people through the use of fake titles?
[Fake Dr Gary Smalley] "So Ron, let's talk about you."
[Me] "No, Gary...Let's talk about you."
A bloated Bakker Zombie imagines what marriage is like
Bakker tells us that Mr Bland is the perfect husband for his daughter. Wait, but isn't Jim's real daughter Tammy Sue? Maricela is not Jim's daughter, she's just the girl that Jim claims to have adopted and now exploits to sell product. Case in point: This show. These poor kids never had a chance. Think of how bizarre it must be for them to live with their adoptive Mommy and Daddy, a wombless former crackhead and an ex-con who rips off old ladies for a living. Want to head to the mall with your friends today? Nope, Mommy Lori needs you on the show so she can exploit you while you sell her garbage. Meanwhile, bright-and-shiny teenager Ricky is being given orders by Papa Jim, a 71 year-old man who wears motorcycle jacket and 'I CARE' caps. Remember when Old Man Bakker had Ricky coloring in foodbucket sales-thermometers for the show? Don't you think Ricky would rather be tossing a football around? Sorry Ricky, sorry girls. You do not exist in this life to serve exist to serve Jim and Lori.

Jim Bakker's cheatin' heart: 'They never let go of it!'
Speaking of Tammy Sue, Jim gets in a little jibe towards her mother, Tammy Faye. That's the woman with whom Jim built his PTL empire. That's the woman who gave birth to Jim's actual children. She's the ex-wife, now deceased, that Jim never, ever mentions by name. Today, Jim insults her.

"I know marriages that are hellish. And a man has made a mistake, 50 years ago, 20 years ago, 10 years ago. And every argument, she brings up, 'You cheated on me with that woman!' or you did this back there, and they never let go of it! And it is poison isn't it doctor?"
Hey Bakker, remember this one?
Jim's talking about Jessica Hahn. He cheated on Tammy Faye with his church secretary, then paid her a couple hundred thousand dollars of ministry money to keep quiet. He's rumored to have cheated on her with other women as well, and possibly men. Yet in Jim Bakker's ego-driven la-la-land, he believes that he did nothing wrong. That's plain to see in the way he formed this question. You did very wrong Jim. First and foremost, you cheated on your wife. Secondly, the woman you cheated with was your impressionable young subordinate. Then you took money donated to you for ministry purposes and you paid her with it.

An eager Bakker Zombie, awaiting orders from her master
You didn't learn then, and you aren't learning now. You're turning the tables, making your ex-wife the bad person in this retelling of a well-known tale. By the same narcissistic reasoning, you don't think you're doing anything wrong today by taking peoples' money through fear-mongering and scare tactics. And when you go to prison again, you still won't accept responsibility for your immoral actions. When your cellmate orders you to 'assume the position', you'll scream out like a hysterical woman, 'Why are they doing this to me!!??' You're doing it to yourself, Jim. Go be a real preacher. Get a real job. Stop conning people out of their money. Otherwise, take it like a man.

Gary Smalley spots a bird up in the rafters
Dr Comet is holding a grape in his hand and comparing it to a pumpkin to illustrate the difference between men and women's emotions. Honestly, I'm not able to follow the guy very well because he keeps looking up into his brain. Has one of Sasha's birds gotten loose inside Morningside, and Smalley is trying to avoid being hit by poop? Has mega-turd Larry Bates been spotted with a jetpack strapped to his back, hovering around up near the ceiling looking for corn? Or maybe Smalley is looking up to the heavens for spaceships and comets like his previous human incarnation, Marshall Applewhite? Talk to me Doctor, please tell me what you see? Quick Jim, give him one of your tinfoil hats so he can try and make contact!

Lori Graham Bakker: 'SCREEEEEEECH!'
So now Lori says that every time she receives a wedding invitation, she sends people a copy of some guy named Mark Gungor's comedy dvd. Considering that Jim and Lori were recently promoting legendary comedian Yackov Smirnoff's show in Branson, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say Mark Gungor probably isn't that funny. Regardless, the point here is that Lori tells us that she sends this guy's dvd to newlyweds, which one would assume means 'free'. Two minutes later, Jim and Lori are introducing the Couples Special Offer: Gungor's dvd plus a copy of Smalley's book, all for the low price of $100, plus shipping. That's a lot of Rubles, eh Yackoff? What a country!

Yakov Smirnoff: Still not funny
Jim is hawking Smalley's book for $20. Lori's giving the dvd away for free to newlyweds. How do we get to $100 from there? Even online, Smalley's book is twelve bucks and Dungor's side-splitting comedy dvd is a whopping thirty-eight dollars. That's not even wholesale, that's with Amazon's markup. Holy crap, Bakker's marking this stuff up 100%!  Mr Smirnoff, please reserve two seats in the VIP section for one Mr and Mrs Jim Bakker.

Looks like I jumped the gun on the Couples Special, because now Jim's adding in all the extra stuff he's trying to get rid of: A Bible, a Lori Locket, Jesus Dogtags, and a Kevin Shorey cd. Ooooh, I think an inbred's holiday shopping is already done!

Jim and Lori faking it for the camera
Jim's getting a little disgusting with Lori. Twice now he's gone in to put his arm around her shoulder or hold her hand while speaking in a googly voice. It's very unnatural. It would look more Bakker-esque if Jim offered Lori some money first before making his move. It'd be more natural for Lori too.

We hear a little bit more from the odd-couple, Moose and Mr Bland. Moose tells us that she's issued orders to her husband: Every Friday night, they'll be heading to a coffee house to read a book together. Wow, fun. How exactly does a person share a book with another? Are they reading comic books? I'd love to see how this works:
[Moose] "Hey turn the page, I'm done."
[Mr Bland] "Hold on, I still have a couple paragraphs left. And can you stop talking please, I can't read when you're talking to me."
[Moose folds arms, places head on Mr Bland's shoulder]
[Mr Bland, perturbed] "Okay you're breathing on me."
Smalley/Applewhite working the controls of his spaceship
This whole 'reading together' plan that the Moose concocted seems like a recipe for disaster. Gary Smalley, marriage expert, doesn't sign off on the idea either. He just stares at her and dreams about space travel.

Bakker pinching Lori's knee to shut her up
Lori starts talking to Dr Applewhite a split-second after Jim starts talking to him as well. We all know who will win this race. Jim reaches in for a pinch on Lori's knee to get her attention. In slow-motion you can actually see his fingers come together for the pinch. For good measure, he raises his arm up and bumps her hand in case she doesn't register pain. Look at that, Jim wins again. If Jim were running a marathon, he would come up behind each runner and kick their heels to make them trip. If he were racing cars, he would slyly run the other guy off the road in order to eliminate the competition. Jim Bakker, saboteur.

I smell funnel cake in Zach's future
I'm really beginning to dislike Zach. He's adopted a pompous attitude after taking over Kevin's spot as resident fat man. As has been noted, when he announces himself he also thumbs his chest as if to say, "I'm Zach Drew, and you're not." Bakker goes to him mid-show to clarify the dates for a marriage conference, and there's Zach with that look on his face again. Hey Zach, I hope you like carnivals, because that's where you'll be barking out information after Jim cans you for the next fat kid that'll work for peanuts. Thankfully, Kevin is there to sell his cds and is occupying Zach's swivel chair. Zach is seated right next to Kevin, but his chair is non-swivel and looks uncomfortable. I'd love to see Kevin make a joke with his thumbs, "I'm Kevin Shorey, and this is Zach's chair that I'm sitting in." Then I wanna see Kevin ease up on one side and let one rip. Take that, Zach!

Smalley illustrates the size of Lori's brain
Jim and Lori enter into an extremely heavy sales pitch. Aside from books, Bakker's selling a Jack-Knife multi-tool, the lame ParaCord bracelet that Jim tells us is "for rescuing people", the cheap plastic squeeze flashlight, stainless steel water bottles, the list goes on and on. Dr Gary Smalley signs away what little remains of his integrity by getting in on the action, remarking that he uses the stainless steel water bottles on every trip he goes on. And do you buy them from Jim for double the price, Mr Smalley? Of course you don't, because you know it's a rip off. But you have no problem helping Jim sell them, as long as you can sell your book too. Get it while the gettin's good!

An inbred wearing a lovely mink hat
Big Kevin's up to bat. He's selling a Christmas cd with all the trimmings. Hits include:

-I Will Not Be Silent About That Silent Night
(instead I'll write a shitty song about it)

-Let's Put Christ Back Into Christmas
(my personal favorite)
-Jesus Is The Gift That Keeps On Forgiving
(Ain't that the truth, Jim?)

-My Gift Of Worship
(your gift of money)

-The Perfect Plan
(scare 'em, sell 'em, pay no taxes)

-Florida Christmas
(Beaches, Botox and Bimbos named Bakker)

Before singing, Kevin has to take care of inbred birthday duty. Elizabeth is our first inbred birthday, and she's wearing a beautiful white mink hat. Oh wait, no, that's a wig. She's given a pair of tickets to go see the one and only Jackoff Smirnoff.

Does this old bag know she has a raccoon on her head?
Next we have a couple inbreds who made the trip down from Canadia. For some reason, Jim is big with Canada's inbred population. Maybe they don't know about his prison days? It looks like a shaved raccoon has taken up residence on top of this woman's head. Her prize for having such bad hair is a couple tickets to go see Jackoff, live in concert. Does Smirnoff actually sell any tickets or are they all comps? I mean, the guy's act was only mildly popular twenty years he still getting mileage out of his tired old Commie jokes?

Kevin's suspenders hoist up his parachute pants
It's showtime for Kevin. I've never given it any thought, but I'm pretty sure Kevin wears suspenders. I see his pants and they're heavily bunched in the area that suspenders would latch on to. It also makes sense, since I don't imagine they make belts that large. What would that be, a 72" belt? His pants might actually be made of the same parachute material as Jim's ParaCord bracelets. Zach did tell us that the bracelet was rated for 360lbs, and that's Kevin at a guess.

Kevin, his parachute pants safely suspended, grunts out his song, then Jim and Lori fawn all over him afterwards. Jim exclaims, 'That should be a classic!" Something's up, they never give Kevin this much credit.

Shorey signed a record deal with Jim...bad move, Kevin.
Indeed, something is up. Bakker informs us that this is the first album on Bakker's new record label. Kevin, have you lost your friggin' mind? You of all people must know that Jim Bakker is going to positively rape you in that deal. Why would you enter a business relationship with Jim Bakker and give him the upper hand? The guy still owes the IRS millions of dollars for god's sake. Holy macaroni, this is not good. Did you at least run Jim's offer past Yakov first to see if he could match it?

The show devolves completely from this point on. I fast-forward as Jim rambles stupidly. I mute as Lori screetches out a cackling laugh. Moose spouts some words out of her blowhole as Mr Bland smiles and wonders what thin women are like. The fake Dr Gary Smalley stares up at the ceiling and gives his unqualified scientific insight into the difference between men and women's brains. People pay to listen to this guy?


Ron said...

Happy Thanksgiving

No Nonsense Norski said...

YUP, you've summed it right up:

"Sometimes the cleanest-looking people are the ones who secretly don't wipe their ass."

Good job, Ron! :-)

Grandma Maxine said...

It seems that Jimmy boy keeps losing weight (I believe from AIDS) and Lori, Zach, Kevin, and the daughters continue to plump up! James Orson Bakker's Morningside reminds me of the Jim Jones compound in Jonestown, Guyana but instead of drinking kool-aid, they injest freeze-dried food.

Brother Dortch said...

Great work, as always, Ron! As you know, The Morningside Masters Media College is about to release the students for Christmas vacation. But the newly released "Winter 2011 Course Schedule" clearly shows that the kids will have a lot of new courses to choose from when they return. Here is a "Bakker's Dozen" of new courses I found in the brochure.

I wish I knew more about these courses but both present and future students are advised to contact the official and licensed college accreditation organization (as registered with The United States Department of Education) who accredited The Morningside Masters Media College and they will have a lot more to say about any of the courses being offered at this college. Enjoy...and Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Morningside Masters Media College
Winter 2011 (Partial Course Listing #1 of 2)

PED101 – Pedophilia in the Pulpit – A heartwarming sociological study of overseas orphans who are abused by a fat groper they don’t even know who pimps them out for money, feels them up, and forces them to call him “Dad”. Instructor: Philip Cameron

YTH101 – Running a Successful Church Youth Ministry – In this dual concentration course, students will be taught by Instructor & convicted felon Bill Ballenger how to create and run a successful youth ministry even if your church is hidden away in the mountains amongst nothing but elderly retirees. Also, Instructor Jared “The Count” Ballenger will teach Christian Gangster Rap Hip Hop Dancing which also includes teaching his world famous “pistol packing” moves! Note: CANCELLED! This course is no longer offered as both Bill & Jared Ballenger are no longer associated with our college and refuse to ever step foot again on church grounds. We apologize for any inconvenience.

MAR101- Marriage Workshop Overview – Former PTL marriage workshop counselor, Vi Azvedo, will teach this exciting course to our college students which includes a Jim Bakker lecture on “How The PTL Marriage Workshop Strengthened Mine & Tammy Faye’s Marriage For Life” as well as a special lecture by Kelli “The Third Time’s A Charm” Copeland Swisher. You don’t want to miss this. Enroll now!

FAM102 – “My Loving Father” – Jim Bakker’s only daughter, Tammy Sue, shares her fond memories of growing up in the same household with her Dad, Prophet Jim Bakker, and all the love he imparted to her. Note: CANCELLED! We’re sorry, this course has been cancelled. No further information is available.

PAY101 – The Pulpit & Paypal – Instructor Dino “Halloween Face” Kartsonakis teaches you how to receive an insurance claim on your flood damaged belongings and then re-sell the same items again for even greater recovery. Still depressed? Let Dino teach you how to set up a Paypal account so you can get on national TV and say that any amount people can send you will be good—even $5.00!

ACC102 – The Pulpit & The Payroll – Has it always been your dream to work for a television ministry? Are you currently employed by a television ministry right now? What would you do, if you suddenly looked down at your ministry payroll check, only to discover that money has been blatantly, and without warning, stolen from it? Imagine your sweet wife looking down at her ministry payroll check and discovering that money has been blatantly, and without warning, stolen from her check too! Sign up now for this popular Accounting Fraud course and let our experienced teachers show you how not to let this happen to you. Hurry! Seating is limited. Instructors: Mr. & Mrs. Randy Brown

MUS 102 - A popular second semester continuation of the MUS 101 course, in which students with no ability are taught how to act like they can sing, even if tone deaf, (lip syncing may be required). NEW! We have added something very special for our students: guest lecturers Milli Vanilli and Paula Abdul.

Brother Dortch said...

Morningside Masters Media College
Winter 2011 (Partial Course Listing #2 of 2)

MUS 103 – Staffing the Church Band – Finding it hard to get good musicians? In this course, we teach you how to make any person, who can count to four, your drummer. We will teach you how to place yourself, or anyone else, behind the drum kit and kick the bass pedal on a four count: 1, 2, 3, 4, and then, by simply holding the sticks in your hand and not hitting any drums or cymbals, you’ll receive musical self-confidence when the video director shoots you from 200 feet away and makes it appear as though you are playing with the band! Instructor: Ricky Bakker

MUS 104 – “Sharing My Vast Knowledge Of The Music Industry” - Instructor Jim Bakker will teach you all he knows about music--including the time Gospel Music Superstar, Sandi Patty, showed up at The PTL Club and was denied a position in the choir because Bakker didn’t think she had the ability to sing on TV and refused to hire her.

ACCR101 – Basics of College Accreditation – Should I attend a fully accredited college or should I attend a non-accredited college? This course offers both students and parents alike everything you should know about why it’s important to only attend a fully accredited college. Note: CANCELLED! We’re sorry, this course has been cancelled. No further information is available.

HEALTH 101 – Using Abortion As Birth Control – In this course, we teach all you need to know about how to deal with those pesky pregnancies when they creep up. Instructor: Lori Graham Bakker

HEALTH 102 – Is There Money In Adoption? - Certainly there is! With the average cost of adoption between $10,000 and $50,000 per baby, students will learn how to leverage the church far away from that cheap $10,000 and more toward the profitable $50,000 amount. Instructor: Jim Bakker

CONSTRUC 101 – Building A Church Bath House - Should my church build a bath house? Certainly you should! In this course, Instructor Jim Bakker will teach you how to erect a simple wooden frame and initially hook up the plumbing with a green garden hose and no hot water. Then, as the project nears completion and there are still no people around to use the bath house, we’ll show you how to make money by selling the keys to it for only $500 each! Members don’t want to pay? The heck with ‘em. Let ‘em act like a bear and shit in the woods

Anonymous said...

Will JB have the kids drink the koolade through Dr Water's filters?

burnjimburn said...

what a great post ron this page just keeps getting better. brother dortch was just wondering about some of them classes
CONSTRUC 101- does jim cover homosexual bathhouse etiquette of married church members sexual relations in steam rooms?
MUS104- will kevin shorey be assisting in teaching those who cannot sing to pretend to sing by being morbidly obese and grinding down on some notes without carrying a tune?
also i was just curious if you know whether there will be any classes in the future covering the complete rape of the teachings of jesus christ or is that something they are planning for the future?

Anonymous said...

Great post!! I watched a documentary on MSNBC this weekend that dealt with the pseudo-Christian cult "Teen Mania". The girls that were ex-members were interviewed about this cult told of their experiences, and seemed emotionally damaged. I wish that MSNBC or some other network would look into Bakker and the Masters commission cult. What was explained by these ex-mania survivors seemed eerily similar to the Masters commission cult. I would love to see this little bisexual lizard exposed nationally as the fraud that he is.

Brother Dortch said...

To Mr. Burn: Thanks so much for reminding me. I'm sorry. Yes, I did look through the brochure again and found a nice course on the complete rape of the teachings of Jesus. It is:

SEED101: The Seed Faith Concept of Giving - A brand new course in which Instructor Jim Bakker teaches you how to flick "The Seed Faith Concept of Giving" on and off like a lightswitch to maximize church revenue. Students will be taught how to renounce this concept at the top of their lungs, in front of any congregation, as well as how to cheerfully & warmly embrace the same concept anytime Kenneth Copeland, Kelli Copeland, or Paula White should happen to show up. Seed faith donations can be important to your bottom line. Make sure to sign up today!

Also, It is uncertain, at this time, whether the topic of homosexual bath house etiquette will be included in the CONSTRUC 101 course. The last I heard, they are saving that topic until after the Morningside Masters Media Steam Room is completed. They are working on plans for the steam room now, but Jimbob insists on there being video surveillance in place--just in case either his wife or Grandma Char should want to stop by & inspect what is going on inside. The only problem is that, everytime they try to test this new surveillance system, the video monitor keeps getting too fogged up to see! I'll let you know what I hear after this problem is worked out.

Ron said...

Haha Brother Dortch love the course listings!

burnjimburn said...

thank you Brother Dortch, that is very helpful, im glad that these classes will be breeding the next generation of deviant thieves preying on the old and dumb.

if anyone is interested look up it is the morningside masters commission working on some highschoolers it is fucking unbelievable

burnjimburn said...

oh yeah i bet that kevin works for jim to supplement his custom clothing cost because there is no regular store in the world making clothes to fit him

Buddy's Buddy said...

I hear Goodyear makes Kevin's clothes.

Great posts, Ron, Norski, BroDor, and Burn.

This is the most fun I've had in a long time. :)

Anonymous said...

What astounds me is how Ron can condense such rich material down! Excellence.

People:::: QUIT buying Jim Jones Baker UNDERWEAR!!!

Anonymous said...

Lori had 4 abortions. How many abortions did Jim's girl friends have? No way I believe that Jessica Hahn was the only one.

Anonymous said...

Sorry...Lori had five abortions, not four.

No Nonsense Norski said...

Ah, yes -- another installment of "Scare The Elderly Shitless".

Last night was a real hoot.

Jim doesn't know if "we'll make it to January!" and Doktor Larry "The Smarm-meister" Bates beamed in from some outhouse in Memphis, to add reinforcement to Jim's fearmongering.

And then, "Lori, you were poor once...!" to which Lori SCREECHES in reply: "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA hahahahahahahaha!"

Another arrogant ooze-a-thon.

All in all, it was a great SKIN-CRAWL show!

Anonymous said...

I came across this show the other night and watched some of it out of curiosity. I couldn't believe it when they started selling these buckets of food (for only $3000! you get 2 years worth of buckets that last 20 years!) This show is unbelievable and I don't understand how this criminal is still out there making money off this shit. At least I had a good laugh from it.

bakkersajerk said...

Love the fake college courses Bro D. Now how some pool rules.
1. All patrons must receive a golden key love gift ($500) to use the pool.
2. All zombies must be able to float across the pool and back before they can fall off the diving board.
3. As a caring institution, Morningside requires all ADD/Life insurance to be carried by all patrons. It is strongly suggested that Morningside be primary. If you have insurance under these conditions then the floating requirement will be waved.
4. In addition, co ed swimming will only be permitted if Jim plays pivot.

Brother Dortch said...

Dear Bakkersajerk:

What a gifted and talented person you are! God must have given you the ability to telepathically communicate with me, as I was just thinking the other day how very important pool safety is and how there certainly needs to be a firm set of pool rules in place prior to the opening of the brand new swimming pool at Morningside.

If you go back and re-read Ron’s article above, you will see a photo of the bloated Bakker Zombie, wearing the hot pink blouse, who is sitting there at Morningside wondering what marriage is like. Can you imagine what would happen if this woman and Kevin Shorey and Zach Drew would all happen to jump into the pool at the exact same time? I am afraid it could displace so many cubic feet of water that it would cause severe, life threatening mudslides as this water madly rushes down the side of the Ozark Mountains. Why, not only could these mudslides uproot all of the “Made In China” tents that are pitched in Peaceful Valley for the lifetime partners to stay in for free, but it could also take out the entire student dormitory…errrrr…I mean tabernacle…by lifting it right off of its foundation!

Therefore, I am proposing a rule that there be no more than two fat people allowed to jump into the pool at the same time. I realize this may seem harsh to some, but it is only in the interest of public safety and anyone who violates this rule should be immediately escorted off the grounds at once!

Ron said...

I think maybe we should just make the rule "no more than two people allowed to jump in" since most of Bakker's inbreds are fat to begin with. The last thing we want at the pool entrance is a stalled line of confused inbreds wondering aloud if they are fat. Get enough of them massed together and they'll crack the foundation. Or worse, they'll get spooked by a curious rodent and we'll have a deadly stampede on our hands.

awesome comments all

bakkersajerk said...

Are these morons really that fat or are they suffering severe water retention issues caused by all the sodium and nitrates from the shit buckets? Whatever, the thought of them stampeding terrifies me.

Anonymous said...


Mama San

Anonymous said...

When is Bakker going to start selling his emergency bath houses?

Anonymous said...

Looked up the definition of a cult. Many studies were merged to understand a cult leader and it's followers. The number one sign of a cult is devotion to a living person. All the other findings were also consistent with those defending and following Bakker. It is hard to believe there are so many mentally ill people in the world. Harder still to believe there are so many willing to follow after this sick man! It takes mental illness to a whole new level! The cult he is building in the back hills of Missouri is frightening to say the least. It may be the reason you see so many obese followers. They are people who show in an outward way they are not dealing with reality!

Anonymous said...

Another good post Ron!

Wondering if you have read Jesus for Sale by m.clevescene. If you google "Jesus for sale" you will find it under

Very interesting read! Jim Bakker and his ilk are real slime!

bakkersajerk said...

Ron, where did fake Dr. Smally get his honorary degree from? I can't find it with my searches, just plenty of whacko sites hawking his books and appearances. Your blogs are hilarious by the way.

bakkersajerk said...

Had a rough day. I think there has to be a better way to make a buck. My idea is to start a home healthcare supply store in Blue Eye,MO. Some products I'd provide:
1. The scooter. Fat people have trouble walking.
2. Diabetic products. Almost all obsese people are diabetic.
3. Knee and ankle braces. Holding up that weight takes it's toll before they need a scooter.
4. Oxygen tanks. That fat takes away lung capacity.
5. An assortment of vitamins and minerals a vegitarian might require.
This is just a partial list. I'm looking for investors, I think this is a no brainer home run.

Anonymous said...

The "1 Year for You" is 4 buckets of 275 servings. That comes to 3 servings a day. I read a review on Amazon where the buyer bought multiple food items and averaged out the servings of the mixed food to be 125 calories per serving. So, 3 X's 125 = 375 calories per day. All those that can live on 375 calories a day for 1 year please make yourself known.
Mr M

Ron said...

Lol Mr M, that'd be a rough existence. Maybe that's the diet pack?

Hey bakkersajerk, here's the link that cites Gary Smalley's honorary degree:

One very important note here: Jim Bakker just responded to critics over on Phil Naessen's blog. It's gotta be Jim because Phil doesn't let people use proper names if they aren't really them. I replied to Jim with a list of questions, Phil moderates so my questions won't show up for a few hours.

Here's the link: Jim Bakker replies

Anonymous said...

Regarding Ricky's existing to serve Papa Jim, did you see after a marathon show (live internet stream) Ricky obediently massaging Papa Jim's neck? Shades of the old steam room fetish, I presume

Anonymous said...

A convicted felon cannot adopt children...shows you what money will buy. I watched the show today and the survival man was on selling and showing tools for surviving disasters. A plastic bag tent and knee pads for crawling in brush. These older people in the audience couldn't crawl if they had to and why would they be in brush??

Anonymous said...

Went to Phil Naessen's blog. Great questions Ron! Will be interesting to hear the rebuttals from the Bakker followers. Those zombies can be really mean. Wonder what nasty comments they'll come up with this time. What great Christians they are! I like what the pastor had to say "Don't tell me about your Jesus, show me". If the way they accuse and judge people with their gossip and slander is an example of their Jesus, then I don't want to know their Jesus!

I really liked the point about the "love gifts", and Stella's house. If Jim is running a "non-profit" ministry he should have no problem cracking the books open for all us to see. I won't hold my breath while waiting for that to happen! He sure has earned his title "faker Bakker"!

Have you seen the show with the Copeland/Swisher couple yet? I saw it on my channel this week. Can't wait to hear what you have to say about those two.

bakkersajerk said...

I don't think Jim will answer Ron except maybe to say he loves him and prays for him. He is a confidence artist, and will only address topics on his terms. Thanks again Ron for helping to expose the jerk.

Brother Dortch said...

Regarding Ricky being forced to massage Jim's neck: This is nothing new. If you can recall, it was either Time or Newsweek that published a story regarding the fall of PTL in which they documented Jim announcing, at a PTL staff meeting, that: "I want a foot rub!" When nobody stepped up to do it, finally a male PTL Vice-President volunteered to do it and that is exactly the type of so-called "Christian Leader" this confidence man is. Can you imagine a board meeting at any reputable secular corporation where the CEO would make a public request like that? Had young Ricky said "No!" he would have had hell to pay that would have extended far beyond just having the video game console ripped apart from his room.

Ron, It will be a cold day in hell before you get an answer from Bakker--although I do commend you for trying!

Anonymous said...

I saw Jims remarks on the blog. What a liar! He said that Morningside is a "family of love and worship". He is delusional if he believes that! When I think of the kind of people that follow Jim Bakker I think of the Stepford wives.

Anonymous said...

I'm waiting for the day Kevin says "enough is enough!!" and runs amuck on the show. Yesterday Bakker literally told him that he's making big bucks and earns it by being well planned, I get a kick out of how Zach smiles when Kevin is the victim of a "fat boy" joke. Sort of I'm glad the focus is on Kevin being the butt and not me look.

Hmmmmm said...

Please do not forget a course using Pulpit Pimping For Dummies as the textbook.....

Hmmmmm said...

Please do not forget a course using Pulpit Pimping For Dummies as the textbook.....