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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Kevin Shorey: Remembering Jim's Massive Minstrel

Kevin Shorey grinding down on a note
I think we can officially declare that Kevin Shorey is no longer announcing / singing / being the fat foil for The Jim Bakker Show. I’ve seen neither hide nor hair of Kevin for a couple months now and felt that something was amiss. The recent rumors of his departure after some petty Sunday morning argument with Jim now serve to confirm my fears.

I always liked Kevin Shorey. Of all the inbreds appearing on the show, Kevin seemed the most down-to-earth and likable. His songwriting was bad and his singing was just a hair better than mediocre, but he was always smiling and bright-faced.

Now don’t get me wrong. I can’t excuse him for being a Jim Bakker associate, however much he seemed like a good guy. Anyone appearing on The Jim Bakker Show lacks integrity, whether appearing as a regular or as a guest. But Kevin did add some genuine kindness to an otherwise sinister show.
Kevin on Trampoline

And let it be known that Jim and Lori were merciless on poor Kevin. Even plastic-man Dino Kartsonakis got in on the ribbing once, and it just plain wasn’t nice. It seemed that every show was designed to remind Kevin that a) He’s fat, and b) Jim is the boss. For God’s sake, Jim put the guy on a damn trampoline. There is no way Kevin wanted to do that, but he did it anyways, and he did it with a smile.

The following is a sampling of memories I have of Kevin Shorey over the years...If these were happier times I’d call it a Kevin Shorey Fatstravaganza, but as I’m saddened by his departure, I’ll just call it:

Kevin Shorey: Tears of a Gigantic Clown
  • 2009: Dino gives Kevin a tour inside his Branson bakery, fools Kevin into eating paper
  • 2009-2010: Kevin passes out birthday cakes to Jim’s harem of 80 year old Morningside residents
  • 2010: Kevin cooks while wearing an enormous apron, eats foodbucket slop, declares it ‘delicious’
  • 2010: The Coffin Show: Jim suddenly gets a bug up his ass about gluttony, starts the show with inbred pallbearers bringing in an empty, plus-sized coffin; Kevin sits quietly in his chair

I don’t know exactly what went down between Kevin and Jim, but here’s my guess:

“[Jim Bakker] Kevin, Lori just had some botox done and the ministry is short of cash. We’re gonna pay you this month in Foodbuckets.

[Kevin Shorey] But Jim, you paid me in Foodbuckets last month. I...I mean, I don’t even like the stuff. It’s vegetarian.

[Jim Bakker] Kevin, I’m the boss here and I’m telling you, we don’t have the’s all in Lori’s face.

[Kevin Shorey] Well...can you at least give me some Lori Lockets instead?

[Zach, the fat Master’s Commission kid, walks by the conversation]

[Bakker] Hey Jack, you’re pretty heavy...can you sing?

[Zach] Haha Mr Bakker, no not really.

[Bakker] Kevin, you’re out. Jack, you’re in. See Jack, I told you the Master’s Commission would pay off!

[Zach] Haha, thanks Mr Bakker! Thanks Jesus!"

Or at least that’s how I imagine it all went down. Hopefully the truth will come out in time. For now, Kevin Shorey has lumbered on to graze on greener pastures. His departure remains cloaked in a huge shroud of mystery, and sadly we’ll never hear another mediocre song from him on The Jim Bakker Show. We'll miss you Kevin!


Anonymous said...

From Big Kevin to Big Zack, Little Jim likes to surround himself with Big boys.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Dan, for writing about Kevin as I mentioned. Keep up your great will pay off one day like Zak, Thanks in advance to Jesus.


NEDZO said...

I was watching the Jim Bakker Show this morning, June 6, 2011, & I seen Kevin Shorey singing. He must be back????

Daniel said...

Good catch NEDZO! I think it's a repeat, they're talking to ultra-creepy Philip Cameron about building homes for *his* girls which they've done in the past...I didn't hear any mention of current events (even though they spliced in some tornado footage).

I'm on it though, I'll have to watch extra closely this week to see if Kevin Shorey has actually returned. Maybe he went to minister in Vegas and got caught up in the buffets all this time?

Nedzo said...

The same show that was on yesterday was on today, June 7, 2011.

Nedzo said...

I just finished watching the Jim Bakker show on the Internet broadcast. He was promoting his NEW 4th of July T-Shirt & guess who was there??
Yes, Kevin Shorey. In fact, Jim, jokingly asked him where he has been.
So From what I gather, he must be back!!

Daniel said...

Nedzo, things have just gotten very interesting.

Here are my initial thoughts: Shorey wanted to work part-time for another ministry (he's currently doing work for another Branson church). Bakker fired him, but now people are asking about Kevin and Jim's getting some heat.

As a result, Jim probably brought Kevin in on a commission basis to help sell product (like those shirts you mention). That's my guess anyways.

I'm looking forward to seeing the big guy's return though, he's been the talk of the Ozarks for months now!

Anonymous said...

Must be a sad life to actually post about a tv show. Surely there are better things to do in your life than surmise about the ramblings of Jim Bakker and/or his guests. Perhaps you should take up blogging about Casey Anthony. Stupid

Anonymous said...

I think it's good used of time to post about "MONEY SUCKER" show to let the world(and IRS and FBI) knows that these guys are back in "BUSINESS" again. And there are too many blogs about Casey Anthony out there already!!!
Fan of Ron Johnson

The IRS said...

You found this blog by searching for 'Kevin Shorey' on the internet...yet mine is the sad life?

Anonymous said...

I hate Kevin Shorey...he at at least 3 of my dogs.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I meant to say he ATE at least 3 of my dogs. It's so hard to type through these tears!

Susand3935 said...

omg I love this site lol

Ron said...

Thanks Susan, welcome and glad you enjoy it ;)

Anonymous said...

Those Master Commission kids have not held an actual job their entire lives. I notice Jim's grandson has disappeared also, what's up with that? Bakker is so insecure about former members he's fleeshed out of money he surrounds himself with giant bodyguards like Zack and Kevin.

budweiserfrogs said...

Bakker always has a fat guy back in the 1970's it was Uncle Henry. I went to Morningside once & kept looking around for buckets of kool-aid.