Kevin Shorey: Remembering Jim's Massive Minstrel

Kevin Shorey grinding down on a note

I think we can officially declare that Kevin Shorey is no longer announcing / singing / being the fat foil for The Jim Bakker Show. I’ve seen neither hide nor hair of Kevin for a couple months now and felt that something was amiss. The recent rumors of his departure after some petty Sunday morning argument with Jim now serve to confirm my fears.

I always liked Kevin Shorey. Of all the inbreds appearing on the show, Kevin seemed the most down-to-earth and likable. His songwriting was bad and his singing was just a hair better than mediocre, but he was always smiling and bright-faced.

Now don’t get me wrong. I can’t excuse him for being a Jim Bakker associate, however much he seemed like a good guy. Anyone appearing on The Jim Bakker Show lacks integrity, whether appearing as a regular or as a guest. But Kevin did add some genuine kindness to an otherwise sinister show.

Kevin on Trampoline

And let it be known that Jim and Lori were merciless on poor Kevin. Even plastic-man Dino Kartsonakis got in on the ribbing once, and it just plain wasn’t nice. It seemed that every show was designed to remind Kevin that a) He’s fat, and b) Jim is the boss. For God’s sake, Jim put the guy on a damn trampoline. There is no way Kevin wanted to do that, but he did it anyways, and he did it with a smile.

The following is a sampling of memories I have of Kevin Shorey over the years...If these were happier times I’d call it a Kevin Shorey Fatstravaganza, but as I’m saddened by his departure, I’ll just call it:

Kevin Shorey: Tears of a Gigantic Clown

• 2009: Dino gives Kevin a tour inside his Branson bakery, fools Kevin into eating paper
• 2009-2010: Kevin passes out birthday cakes to Jim’s harem of 80 year old Morningside residents
• 2010: Kevin cooks while wearing an enormous apron, eats foodbucket slop, declares it ‘delicious’
• 2010: The Coffin Show: Jim suddenly gets a bug up his ass about gluttony, starts the show with inbred pallbearers bringing in an empty, plus-sized coffin; Kevin sits quietly in his chair

I don’t know exactly what went down between Kevin and Jim, but here’s my guess:

“[Jim Bakker] Kevin, Lori just had some botox done and the ministry is short of cash. We’re gonna pay you this month in Foodbuckets.

[Kevin Shorey] But Jim, you paid me in Foodbuckets last month. I...I mean, I don’t even like the stuff. It’s vegetarian.

[Jim Bakker] Kevin, I’m the boss here and I’m telling you, we don’t have the money...it’s all in Lori’s face.

[Kevin Shorey] Well...can you at least give me some Lori Lockets instead?

[Zach, the fat Master’s Commission kid, walks by the conversation]

[Bakker] Hey Jack, you’re pretty heavy...can you sing?

[Zach] Haha Mr Bakker, no not really.

[Bakker] Kevin, you’re out. Jack, you’re in. See Jack, I told you the Master’s Commission would pay off!

[Zach] Haha, thanks Mr Bakker! Thanks Jesus!"

Or at least that’s how I imagine it all went down. Hopefully the truth will come out in time. For now, Kevin Shorey has lumbered on to graze on greener pastures. His departure remains cloaked in a huge shroud of mystery, and sadly we’ll never hear another mediocre song from him on The Jim Bakker Show. We'll miss you Kevin!