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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Jim Bakker celebrating Fifty Years on the Lam

Young Froglet Bakker
The entire past week has been devoted to celebrating Jim Bakker's 50th Year of Deception in Ministry, or what I would call 'Jim Bakker: Fifty Years on the Lam'. Jim's been at it for a long time, but as long as he's still breathing air through his amphibian nostrils, there will be hope that the law will catch up to him (again).

Hey look at that frog on the bike!

Each show opens with archival clips of a young Bakker in his earliest days of crimevangelism. We see our young, jail-bound froglet riding a bicycle on set. This marks only the second time I've seen a frog ride a bike (the first time was when Kermit rode a bike through Central Park in 'The Muppets Take Manhattan'). Young froglet Bakker bears a striking resemblance to his Master's Commission grandson, also a froglet and also named Jim. Why am I not surprised?

Miles, the Master's Commission goober, announces the guests: Flip Cameron, Paul Todd and Paul Todd, Jr, and another surprise guest. I'll tell you right now that the surprise guest is BeBe Winans. Most of this week's shows are spent under Winan's spell, and let me tell you, the guy's a big bore. Lucky for us, the Todd Brothers come in to save the day.

Cameron to Fedex: 'How much to ship humans?'
Bakker comes out early in the week raring to go. He's happy to see all the people in attendance since that means big offerings and even bigger Builder's Club memberships. Flip Cameron is on stage with him, and it looks like he spent nearly all of that $100k that Jim gave him to fly out his Moldovan girls because they're there too. I'm guessing each plane ticket + visa cost about $3000? That is, unless Cameron just shipped them all FedEx to keep as much money for himself. I'd estimate postage to be about $500 a head, a little more if he wants delivery confirmation.

I want to smash this dimwit's fingers in the piano cover
Jim has unleashed a new inbred on piano that is becoming increasingly annoying with each passing day. The guy will not let up on his version of 'Blueberry Hill', which he sings as "Calvary Hill". This is sacrilege. You don't change the words of someone else's song, period. It's not Calvary Hill, it's Blueberry Hill. If you want it to be Calvary Hill, then write your own damn song. He also insists on singing it in the voice of Louis 'Satchmo' Armstrong, except that he actually sounds like Cookie Monster from Sesame Street. He reminds me of the 8-year old who decides to do his 'funny' voice to impress adults. The voice is only slightly amusing the first time, but once the adults react, the kid keeps going with it and won't stop. That's this guy. The voice and the song weren't really that good the first time, yet he's still going because people react. Looking at him, I think he actually is that 8-year old I'm talking about. He's probably been doing 'the funny voice' since he was a kid, and never grew out of it. I can see the eyes on this inbred, and they are dim. He's a dimwit, or as Jim would say, a 'waterhead'. And Jim put him on the piano...does Bakker just take anyone that shows up?

The Todd Brothers are on deck!
So Lori pets Jim's ego a little bit, telling him how important his legacy is. I still don't understand these people. Jim Bakker's legacy is that he stole tens of millions of dollars from his loyal followers. He reportedly spent church money to buy an air-conditioned doghouse for his dog. According to one report, he flew his clothes across the country in a private jet. He bought yachts and condos and vacation homes with church money, he sold timeshares to his devotees that he knew could not be fulfilled, and he ultimately went to prison for it. That's Jim Bakker's legacy. He's a giant, slimy toad that takes money from people any way he can get it in order to pad his own pockets.

'Ohhh....ohhhh..'
After stroking Jim a little bit, Lori finally announces the mystery guest. Bakker gives his best 'I'm going to vomit' look as BeBe Winans walks out singing. They exchange a strange embrace as Bakker sort of melts like a woman into BeBe's arms. The embrace continues with Bakker placing his head on Winans hand. He might be smelling him too, I can't tell. Finally Jim throws his head back and crows like a rooster, "The Great Beee-Beee Winans!!!!" For god's sake Bakker, get a hold of yourself man.

'COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOOOOOOO!'
Now we enter snooze-city with Winans. Jim tells BeBe how much he loves him and how he recognized the talent of BeBe and CeCe Winans years ago when they sang on PTL. Jim says he hasn't be on-stage for over 25 years with BeBe, and praises BeBe for staying by him while he journeyed 'through the valley'. Actually Jim, if this is the first time you've been back on stage with BeBe, wouldn't that mean that he left you all alone in that valley? Bakker is now far enough removed from his own stench that Winans can get away with being near him without attracting too much heat. And, of course, Bakker can pay far better than he could a decade ago. I think we can all agree that BeBe didn't come to Morningside for free?

'I can't understand why everyone thinks I'm gay?'
More snooze-city. I notice that Bebe Winans gives a 'sultry eyes' look whenever he completes a sentence, and I can definitely see why rumors persist that he's gay. And we know that rumors abounded for years about Bakker being some sort of bi-sexual creature that stalked the halls of PTL looking for other young froglets to mate with. I'll tell you, these two ladies look like they're getting real close to giving each other a big smooch on the lips. Jim swoons when BeBe sings, and when Winans sits back down, Jim latches tightly onto the arm of his resident hunk. Honestly, I don't know and I don't care whether these two boys are gay or not. What I do care about is that they're bringing the show to a screeching halt with their flirting. Where the hell are the Todd Brothers?

'It's been so long since I've felt the touch of a man..too long.'
Okay, now BeBe just caressed Jim's knee. After a song, Jim gazes at Winans and refers to his "beautiful brown eyes", then giggles playfully. Look ladies, get a room after the show, fine with me. But cut it out on camera please, we don't want to see this. Now please, unleash the unbridled cacophony that is Paul Todd and his brother / son, Paul Todd, Jr.

These two ladies could gab for hours
I gotta say, the banter between Jim and BeBe is boring, but the hoots coming out of Jim are something I'm not used to. It's rare to see Bakker let his guard down, but BeBe makes it happen. Bakker is laughing and throwing asides into the conversation, and I think this is the charismatic side of Jim Bakker that people who have met him attest too. He's nearly likable, and I know it's strange to hear but it's true. Unfortunately, he uses that charisma for evil: to scare old people into buying his crap. Jim Bakker convinces suckers to turn over their life-savings and social-security checks to him, and in return he gives them shitty condos, dehydrated food and magic wrist bands. Charismatic or not, the guy is a shameless snake.

Jim told BeBe Winans that he has 'beautiful brown eyes'
Jim announces that he wants to make amends with all those people he screwed over with Heritage. Jim is offering any former lifetime partners 3 free nights, anytime, in the Morningside RV park. Is this a sick joke, Jim? You took thousands of dollars a piece from individuals, and in return you're going to give them RV parking for three nights so they can take a dump in your bathhouse? How about RV parking forever? Or how about just returning the money you stole, and went to jail for stealing? Why not begin a new money push called 'Heritage Repayment', and let everyone know that the money will go to former Heritage lifetime partners that you screwed? You're a snake, Jim.

Alright, finally we've made it to the Todd Brothers. The Todd Brothers are the worst musical act I've ever seen on The Jim Bakker Show, but also the most fascinating to watch. They are a father/son team that officially go by the name, "Paul Todd". They're both named Paul Todd though, and like any good father/son singing duo, they behave like brothers. Resentment must abound in this quirky relationship. Who corrects who? Junior sings, but wait, so does Pops. They don't harmonize. Pops plays eight different keyboards, but Junior leads the audience in beat-clapping. Pops knows he's the star, but I don't think Junior knows that. It's bizarre, and I haven't even mentioned the obvious...

Paul Todd and his Rabid Raccoon
...The obvious being Paul Todd's hair. The guy has an enormous mane. I could almost say it resembles a coonskin cap, except that it's less like coonskin and more like an entire raccoon. Whatever critter he has up top, I think it was rabid at one point and bit him, because his music sounds like something a rabid human would play. His big draw is that he plays a whole bunch of keyboards, but the plain truth is that he plays none of them well. I won't even say he's playing music, because he's just hitting a bunch of keys as fast as he can. He creates a headache-inducing waterfall of nonsense musical notes and somehow calls it music. He hits the keys very rapidly, jumping from keyboard to keyboard, and even plays with his feet, but it's all shell with no substance. Each song, if you can call it that, is rapid-fire. I don't how the Todd Brothers could be a draw because the 'music' makes no sense, unless in some disgusting way he's like porn for old people. Maybe the obnoxious cacophony overloads the sense while old Betty fantasizes about Junior?

This relationship will end in murder.
Junior, by the way, looks like the spawn of satan. He's fully fire-crotched, his eyes are flat and low, and he's uncoordinated but doesn't know it. I don't think the kid has played a game of sport, any sport, in his life. Most of his life has probably been spent bouncing around the Ozarks with dad dropping bombs with the old man in stinky motel bathrooms, and dreaming of being just like him. Playing second banana ain't gonna fly with Junior much longer though.

Paul Todd's legs spread wide as he reaches for more notes with his feet
One day, Junior's gonna demand keyboard time during a show. Pops will give it to him once and the audience will love it because, well, anything will be better than what the old man plays. Then Junior will ask again, and Pops won't do it for fear of being upstaged. The resentment is building on both ends, and I think it's going to end very badly. Very very badly. Imagine the extreme violence that would ensue if Junior grabbed Pop's hair in a rage and yanked on it?

Both Paul Todd's blaze through their 'song', the end of which results in both of them hitting an Ozark-triumphant flat final note. This crap would make dogs bark. No, it's worse than that. This crap would make dogs turn on their owner. No, I'm going even further. This crap would make dogs turn on themselves. For them both to hit flat on the final note, to a round of applause: How is this even possible on television? The Jim Bakker Show makes it possible.

23 comments:

ron said...

Coverage from last week, been busy

NEDZO said...

You ain't heard nuttin yet!! LOL!!
I was watching today's show & your Buddy FLIP Cameron was singing with Bob & Jeanne Johnson!!
IT WAS AWFUL!!!!
I had to walk away until they stopped!! LOL
Bob & Jeanne should go back to wherever they have been!! Maybe they should go to MULDOVA with FLIP!!

NEDZO said...

By the way, this being JIM's 50Th anniversary, you would think that Jamie Charles & Tammy Sue would have been there.
I haven't seen TRYSTAN Or even his grandson, James, lately.
Kevin Shorey must have been pushed aside again also??
WHO KNOWS??

Anonymous said...

lol,

I look forward to your show updates. They just keep getting better! I laughed hysterically today as I read your posting.

The image of Paul Todd's son jumping around singing the Copacabana still makes me laugh out loud. There was to many goofy things going on in these "celebrating 50 years of ministry" shows. You did a good job of hitting the highlights.

A question I have. Can Jim really be claiming 50 years of ministry since a few of those were in prison? I guess that was ministry. It spoke volumes to us about the 10 commandments...don't steal, don't commit adultery, have no other gods (like money), make no graven images (PTL and Heritage)etc., etc...so I guess you can count those years in the slammer ministry. Taught me to not trust these hypocrites.

You really should think of going into the comedy business with this. Jim gives you great material and you play off of it well.

Keep them coming, and again thanks for making my day!

Anonymous said...

i couldnt help but notice paul jr's clothes are always too big. like he put on his dad's clothes by mistake. its really weird.

Anonymous said...

More than likely, Jamie Charles and Tammy Sue want no part of this crap because of the pending criminal litigation that is waiting just over the horizon once Jim's greed gets the better of him again--and it will. Oh yes, it sure will. Just ask anybody who has worked there!

Anonymous said...

I was catching up with your latest Bakker show and it is insanely funny because you say exactly what many of us think and can't put into words. I was a young mother in those "Bakker" years and I remember the TV coverage and the press wasn't as kind as you are. The only people who complain about the truth are the many who just want to believe that Bakker is unjustly treated and that includes my mother who just needs to believe in Bakker and/or the gospel as he presents it. The judge actually sentenced Bakker on the "evidence" not because they were picking on him. Thanks for the many, many laughs and for the truth about preachers like "Bakker" especially Bakker who is so brazen and hard core.

The IRS said...

Thank you both very much for the kind comments, I appreciate being able to make you guys & gals laugh ;) I wish I had more time to cover the show, I'm shooting for once a week but sometimes it doesn't work out (like this past week). All these compliments are motivating me to churn another one out over the weekend though, let's see.

Yep Paul Jr is swimming in those clothes every time. I was going to comment on that, plus a few other things, but I have to keep things readable. I actually throw away 2-4 pictures every post because I just don't have the space or time to put them up. Kills me not to use some of that stuff.

Pending criminal litigation just over the horizon, haha. I have a post I'm working based on that very subject! It's loosely titled, "The Jim Bakker Show: How will it all end?"

Nedzo you crack me up every time, haha.

Just so you all know, I read all these comments and most of the time find myself laughing at them. Bakker is such a turd, but he somehow draws the best comedy out of people.

NEDZO said...

HMM!! I just checked next week's show schedule & guess what?? We have another whole week of this 50th anniversary stuff to be entertained with.
Maybe, Uncle Henry & The Rev Dorch will appear???
I can hardly wait. I just may watch it TWICE a day!! LOL!!
Hey, do you remember BO DIDDLY?? How about BE BE DIDDLER!!LOL!!

Anonymous said...

Like the part in the show where Jim is looking at a big picture of himself in AZ. He turns to Lori and asks "what mountains are those in the background"? Lori being from AZ knows. (good for her she remembers a few things from those spaced out days when she was drugging big time). After she tells him, Jim turns to her and says "you weren't far from there, I could have come to you".....then he says "oh I was married then". duh, like that ever stopped you from enjoying the boys and girls Jim! Amazing the stooges in the audience listening to this "man of God" don't have a problem with the garbage that comes out of his mouth!

Anonymous said...

There is one part of Jimbo's show that I truly feel in my heart is true. It was the part where the jerkoff he now has as
"Music Director" proudly announced that he is from Possum Trot, Kentucky.
Now THAT I believe...I really really do.
Bye bye for today!

Anonymous said...

I like when he states, "The government told me..." Which agency? Local, State or Federal? I believe he makes up the stories as he goes.
Mr M

Anonymous said...

do yall notice that on last night's show jim asked the moldovan girls to come on stage and of course phillip cameron sits there rubbing one of the girl's leg the rest of the show. who does that? i might add he rubbing the leg above the knee. this was no ankle massage. so creepy.

Anonymous said...

THIS IS THE BEST BLOG EVER. Bakker is so entertaining I may need the potassium iodide tablets to stay calm. Here's th ekicker...the poor saps that buy this stuff can't eve3n write it off on their taxes because they are receiving gifts

Trying to find the good in everyone* said...

I never see Philip Cameron acting creepy. We saw him rubbing the girls and boys on the back. They are young kids in a strange country. Don't they need some assurance now and then. We watch some of the show but we get so bored with the home shopping part of it we go to something else. That is one reason I miss Kevin so much because he brought a ray of sunshine to the show and cleared away some of the gloom and doom, for a little while anyway.

Gary McDonald said...

Holy Christ! Where do I start? Well, how do I know Jimbutt Bakker is gay? BECAUSE HE'S BEEN IN PRISON, HASN'T HE? And you're either a Pitcher or Catcher in the old Gray Bar Hotel. And Jimbutt ain't no pitcher. Oh COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOO-ME. And BeBe looks like some evil African strongman like Mugabe or Taylor. Looks like he's ready to hack him to pieces. And hey isn't that Sammy Hagar? Another observance is that in the 10th picture down our host bears a striking resemblance to Don Knotts in "The Incredible Mrr. Limpet".
Until next time...

Anonymous said...

Jimbob's involvement in multiple homosexual affairs was well documented, right down to the names of the various individuals, long before he went to prison. I say "Jimbob" because I am sure that is what his head was doing both before & during his prison term and Lori Graham Bakker had to know about all of that before marrying him but obviously just didn't care.

Anonymous said...

Besides the Fabulous Bakker Boy remarking about BeBe's "beautiful brown eyes", the other day on his show there was a guy that I believe supplies food to the down and outers and Bakker make a comment about his eyes also. What is up with this?
Mr M

Phil said...

Hello,

Paul Todd is still alive? I hadn't heard of him in a long long time and thought he was dead....

Gotta love that hair:-)

Phil

The IRS said...

Hey everyone,

I've been a little busy with work but I'll have a new show update later this week so stay tuned.

The IRS

Anonymous said...

We are starting to hit the reruns again. Are the dynamic duo on another vacation or out "ministering" again. Can't they lure any real up and coming musical talent for the program? That Morningside band is a poor excuse for a joke. Where are Dino and McSpadden? They disappeared after Jim did a one week tradgedy on their destroyed homes and belongings. I know Dino lost two very expesnsive pianos and both lost recording studios but they are both serious businessmen and had to be well insured.

The IRS said...

Dino makes an appearance on the Lori Birthday Show (which I'm currently working on). Don't worry about Dino's pianos, he's hawking the keys to Jim while simultaneously pulling in his insurance payment. Plastic surgery ain't cheap.

New post coming later this week.

Anonymous said...

The camera guy caught a picture of Jims shoes today with like 4 inch lifts on them. He was probably flogged after the show.