Jim Bakker celebrating Fifty Years on the Lam

Young Froglet Bakker

The entire past week has been devoted to celebrating Jim Bakker's 50th Year of Deception in Ministry, or what I would call 'Jim Bakker: Fifty Years on the Lam'. Jim's been at it for a long time, but as long as he's still breathing air through his amphibian nostrils, there will be hope that the law will catch up to him (again).

Hey look at that frog on the bike!

Each show opens with archival clips of a young Bakker in his earliest days of crimevangelism. We see our young, jail-bound froglet riding a bicycle on set. This marks only the second time I've seen a frog ride a bike (the first time was when Kermit rode a bike through Central Park in 'The Muppets Take Manhattan'). Young froglet Bakker bears a striking resemblance to his Master's Commission grandson, also a froglet and also named Jim. Why am I not surprised?

Miles, the Master's Commission goober, announces the guests: Flip Cameron, Paul Todd and Paul Todd, Jr, and another surprise guest. I'll tell you right now that the surprise guest is BeBe Winans. Most of this week's shows are spent under Winan's spell, and let me tell you, the guy's a big bore. Lucky for us, the Todd Brothers come in to save the day.

Cameron to Fedex: 'How much to ship humans?'

Bakker comes out early in the week raring to go. He's happy to see all the people in attendance since that means big offerings and even bigger Builder's Club memberships. Flip Cameron is on stage with him, and it looks like he spent nearly all of that $100k that Jim gave him to fly out his Moldovan girls because they're there too. I'm guessing each plane ticket + visa cost about $3000? That is, unless Cameron just shipped them all FedEx to keep as much money for himself. I'd estimate postage to be about $500 a head, a little more if he wants delivery confirmation.

I want to smash this dimwit's fingers in the piano cover

Jim has unleashed a new inbred on piano that is becoming increasingly annoying with each passing day. The guy will not let up on his version of 'Blueberry Hill', which he sings as "Calvary Hill". This is sacrilege. You don't change the words of someone else's song, period. It's not Calvary Hill, it's Blueberry Hill. If you want it to be Calvary Hill, then write your own damn song. He also insists on singing it in the voice of Louis 'Satchmo' Armstrong, except that he actually sounds like Cookie Monster from Sesame Street. He reminds me of the 8-year old who decides to do his 'funny' voice to impress adults. The voice is only slightly amusing the first time, but once the adults react, the kid keeps going with it and won't stop. That's this guy. The voice and the song weren't really that good the first time, yet he's still going because people react. Looking at him, I think he actually is that 8-year old I'm talking about. He's probably been doing 'the funny voice' since he was a kid, and never grew out of it. I can see the eyes on this inbred, and they are dim. He's a dimwit, or as Jim would say, a 'waterhead'. And Jim put him on the piano...does Bakker just take anyone that shows up?

The Todd Brothers are on deck!

So Lori pets Jim's ego a little bit, telling him how important his legacy is. I still don't understand these people. Jim Bakker's legacy is that he stole tens of millions of dollars from his loyal followers. He reportedly spent church money to buy an air-conditioned doghouse for his dog. According to one report, he flew his clothes across the country in a private jet. He bought yachts and condos and vacation homes with church money, he sold timeshares to his devotees that he knew could not be fulfilled, and he ultimately went to prison for it. That's Jim Bakker's legacy. He's a giant, slimy toad that takes money from people any way he can get it in order to pad his own pockets.

'Ohhh....ohhhh..'

After stroking Jim a little bit, Lori finally announces the mystery guest. Bakker gives his best 'I'm going to vomit' look as BeBe Winans walks out singing. They exchange a strange embrace as Bakker sort of melts like a woman into BeBe's arms. The embrace continues with Bakker placing his head on Winans hand. He might be smelling him too, I can't tell. Finally Jim throws his head back and crows like a rooster, "The Great Beee-Beee Winans!!!!" For god's sake Bakker, get a hold of yourself man.

'COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOOOOOOO!'

Now we enter snooze-city with Winans. Jim tells BeBe how much he loves him and how he recognized the talent of BeBe and CeCe Winans years ago when they sang on PTL. Jim says he hasn't be on-stage for over 25 years with BeBe, and praises BeBe for staying by him while he journeyed 'through the valley'. Actually Jim, if this is the first time you've been back on stage with BeBe, wouldn't that mean that he left you all alone in that valley? Bakker is now far enough removed from his own stench that Winans can get away with being near him without attracting too much heat. And, of course, Bakker can pay far better than he could a decade ago. I think we can all agree that BeBe didn't come to Morningside for free?

'I can't understand why everyone thinks I'm gay?'

More snooze-city. I notice that Bebe Winans gives a 'sultry eyes' look whenever he completes a sentence, and I can definitely see why rumors persist that he's gay. And we know that rumors abounded for years about Bakker being some sort of bi-sexual creature that stalked the halls of PTL looking for other young froglets to mate with. I'll tell you, these two ladies look like they're getting real close to giving each other a big smooch on the lips. Jim swoons when BeBe sings, and when Winans sits back down, Jim latches tightly onto the arm of his resident hunk. Honestly, I don't know and I don't care whether these two boys are gay or not. What I do care about is that they're bringing the show to a screeching halt with their flirting. Where the hell are the Todd Brothers?

'It's been so long since I've felt the touch of a man..too long.'

Okay, now BeBe just caressed Jim's knee. After a song, Jim gazes at Winans and refers to his "beautiful brown eyes", then giggles playfully. Look ladies, get a room after the show, fine with me. But cut it out on camera please, we don't want to see this. Now please, unleash the unbridled cacophony that is Paul Todd and his brother / son, Paul Todd, Jr.

These two ladies could gab for hours

I gotta say, the banter between Jim and BeBe is boring, but the hoots coming out of Jim are something I'm not used to. It's rare to see Bakker let his guard down, but BeBe makes it happen. Bakker is laughing and throwing asides into the conversation, and I think this is the charismatic side of Jim Bakker that people who have met him attest too. He's nearly likable, and I know it's strange to hear but it's true. Unfortunately, he uses that charisma for evil: to scare old people into buying his crap. Jim Bakker convinces suckers to turn over their life-savings and social-security checks to him, and in return he gives them shitty condos, dehydrated food and magic wrist bands. Charismatic or not, the guy is a shameless snake.

Jim told BeBe Winans that he has 'beautiful brown eyes'

Jim announces that he wants to make amends with all those people he screwed over with Heritage. Jim is offering any former lifetime partners 3 free nights, anytime, in the Morningside RV park. Is this a sick joke, Jim? You took thousands of dollars a piece from individuals, and in return you're going to give them RV parking for three nights so they can take a dump in your bathhouse? How about RV parking forever? Or how about just returning the money you stole, and went to jail for stealing? Why not begin a new money push called 'Heritage Repayment', and let everyone know that the money will go to former Heritage lifetime partners that you screwed? You're a snake, Jim.

Alright, finally we've made it to the Todd Brothers. The Todd Brothers are the worst musical act I've ever seen on The Jim Bakker Show, but also the most fascinating to watch. They are a father/son team that officially go by the name, "Paul Todd". They're both named Paul Todd though, and like any good father/son singing duo, they behave like brothers. Resentment must abound in this quirky relationship. Who corrects who? Junior sings, but wait, so does Pops. They don't harmonize. Pops plays eight different keyboards, but Junior leads the audience in beat-clapping. Pops knows he's the star, but I don't think Junior knows that. It's bizarre, and I haven't even mentioned the obvious...

Paul Todd and his Rabid Raccoon

...The obvious being Paul Todd's hair. The guy has an enormous mane. I could almost say it resembles a coonskin cap, except that it's less like coonskin and more like an entire raccoon. Whatever critter he has up top, I think it was rabid at one point and bit him, because his music sounds like something a rabid human would play. His big draw is that he plays a whole bunch of keyboards, but the plain truth is that he plays none of them well. I won't even say he's playing music, because he's just hitting a bunch of keys as fast as he can. He creates a headache-inducing waterfall of nonsense musical notes and somehow calls it music. He hits the keys very rapidly, jumping from keyboard to keyboard, and even plays with his feet, but it's all shell with no substance. Each song, if you can call it that, is rapid-fire. I don't how the Todd Brothers could be a draw because the 'music' makes no sense, unless in some disgusting way he's like porn for old people. Maybe the obnoxious cacophony overloads the sense while old Betty fantasizes about Junior?

This relationship will end in murder.

Junior, by the way, looks like the spawn of satan. He's fully fire-crotched, his eyes are flat and low, and he's uncoordinated but doesn't know it. I don't think the kid has played a game of sport, any sport, in his life. Most of his life has probably been spent bouncing around the Ozarks with dad dropping bombs with the old man in stinky motel bathrooms, and dreaming of being just like him. Playing second banana ain't gonna fly with Junior much longer though.

Paul Todd's legs spread wide as he reaches for more notes with his feet

One day, Junior's gonna demand keyboard time during a show. Pops will give it to him once and the audience will love it because, well, anything will be better than what the old man plays. Then Junior will ask again, and Pops won't do it for fear of being upstaged. The resentment is building on both ends, and I think it's going to end very badly. Very very badly. Imagine the extreme violence that would ensue if Junior grabbed Pop's hair in a rage and yanked on it?

Both Paul Todd's blaze through their 'song', the end of which results in both of them hitting an Ozark-triumphant flat final note. This crap would make dogs bark. No, it's worse than that. This crap would make dogs turn on their owner. No, I'm going even further. This crap would make dogs turn on themselves. For them both to hit flat on the final note, to a round of applause: How is this even possible on television? The Jim Bakker Show makes it possible.