2011: The Year Jim makes Contact

In the strange fake palace, an ugly tyrant king reigns supreme

In a field behind Morningside Main, a strange diary is found written in an alien language. Lucky for us, a decoder ring is included:


Planet Scouted: Earth
Location: Milky Way Galaxy - Local Group - Virgo Supercluster
Purpose: Scout for and/or harvest tasty humans


-Have landed in a field full of RVs, poop and garbage. Cannot understand why humans love RVs so much. Cloaking system still operational.

-Have gained entrance into what appears to be a fake royal palace. Many odd human-like creatures collected inside this wonderland. Will survey each group to determine the likeliest candidates to abduct back to our planet for consumption.

The ugly Frog King, Jim Bakker

Have determined that this strange world is ruled by an ugly king named Bakker. He looks to be part amphibian, is it possible that the Zaxxonese have already visited this planet? He's a tyrant who yells at his servants if they do not show him the proper respect. He must be very powerful in this fake palace as nobody dares cross him. I've performed a full brain and body scan and have found that this human's reproductive organs are unusually small, perhaps he was runted at birth? The ugly king has never reached full development, and as a result his brain is probably unflavorful. The meat of this ugly creature will offer an unpleasant, pungent gameyness and shouldn't be eaten. I cannot understand the allure of this human to other humans. Perhaps he is in possession of a magic crystal?

The Frog King's mistress has a pea-brain

The ugly king's mistress seems a huge waste of flesh. Body scanning immediately detects high levels of inedible plastics in it's face. A brain scan confirms my suspicions of low intelligence as it resembles a chickpea in both size and shape. Probably a good nutty flavor on this brain, but when they're that small, why bother?

Recommendation: Given the expected mediocre flavors of both the ugly king and his mistress, I recommend leaving them in place and using them to lure more sub-humans to this strange kingdom. We can do better.

Pickle this witch immediately

Aha, now I've found something! The mistress's mother appears to be an ancient witch; consuming her may bring us magical powers! A body scan shows that this witch is has formaldehyde running though her veins. Fortunately for us, that will simply assist in the meat-curing process. A scan of the brain shows that it has just begun to sour, so we'll have to act quickly...Pack this one up for immediate pickling!

Recommendation: Bring this one home and immediately pickle her. Mark the crate 'special reserve', as future consumption may reward us with magical powers.

If not eaten, this Shorey will fetch a great price at auction

Another good find: There is an enormous human called Shorey who appears to function as entertainment for the ugly leader. This one is likable, quite jolly and welcoming. He sings what sound like simple children's songs praising the ugly leader, and the sour-brains in the crowd applaud loudly. A full body scan shows high levels of sodium in his tissues, and the brain is ripe for consumption. We'll have meat for years off this one. A fine specimen for a holiday feast!

Transport likelihood: Challenging, since this human is very fat. We will need to combine two transport vessels to bring this big bastard home. I'll complete all the necessary paperwork, this monster is too good to pass up.

Recommendation: Shorey's brain and body are already pre-salted and full of preservatives, so he's ready to be served as a delicious ham. Save the extras for jerky and use the bones to flavor a hearty soup. A personal request: After butchering, I'd like to mount this magnificent beast in my trophy room.

All the trimmings of a Shorey, only smaller. Breed him.

Shorey appears to have a brother named Zach, very similar in weight and demeanor. A scan shows him to also be of similar bodily composition. This one would be perfect for dunking. Can also imagine him spit-roasted with an apple in the mouth.

Recommendation: Everything a full-grown Shorey has at only half the size. Good for future breeding and domestication. A keeper.

Not fit for consumption, this Cameron is racked with disease.

Another very large human named Cameron has been observed. This one must be quite popular as he has many young wives. However, this creature is completely opposite the jovial Shorey. His brain and body are completely rotten. Stay away from this one, it's likely diseased.

Recommendation: You couldn't pay me to eat this one. Advise a full decontamination procedure upon return to the mothership. Then when we get back home, blow up the mothership.

Mongrel de la Vega. His brain may be poisonous.

I've spotted a sub-human who seems to function as the frog king's servant in some unknown capacity, perhaps as a man-at-arms bodyguard. He is named 'Mongrel'. This is a sinister-looking humanoid, and a quick brain-scan shows large areas devoid of brain activity. Recommend passing on this one as his brain may be poisonous.

Transport likelihood: Unlikely as this subject is expected to be very combative.

Flavor profile: Spicy but possibly poisonous

The brain has completely soured on this ugly critter. No good.

The ugly king's followers have been surveyed, and they are on the whole entirely unremarkable as humans. Brain scans show that the brains have already completely soured on these worthless zombies and are beginning to ferment in a bad way. They are quite literally the walking dead. Pass on these, they're rancid.

-Survey completed. Have safely exfiltrated fake palace and returned to RVs in the poop field. Will record final notes before leaving planet.

Final notes:

We should consider passing on Earth next time as it's inhabitants are becoming less and less human. If they're going to follow men like this ugly frog king, then I can't see any reason to continu...freeze...wait...I may have been spotted. A massive, full-grown Shorey is coming my way carrying a white roll of paper in his hand. His other hand is loosening his belt and he's grimacing in discomfort. If I remain motionless, he may just walk past me...OH NO, HE'S BROKEN INTO A FULL GALLOP, HE'S COMING RIGHT AT ME!! GET OUT OF THE--...