Jim wrapping up a vacation tan, pushing Seychelle water filters

Jim's been on vacation for a month

Bakker's been on vacation for a month now. I'm pretty sure he filmed all those 50 Years of Deception shows in a week or less, right around the 4th of July. Then he skedaddled off on vacation, apparently unconcerned that there will be no more corn in the United States come August. In that time we've been forced to watch Philip Cameron feeling up on his Moldovan girls while pleading for more money to build Stella's House. Bakker gave him yet another $100k, so now Cameron has $200k for Stella's House. How much could it possibly cost to build an orphanage in Moldova?

I had hoped Bakker would be back at work this week but he's not. He's still on vacation. The good news is that he tore himself away from his margarita just long enough to check in for a few minutes each day before rolling repeats of old Carl 'Dr Seychelle' Palmer episodes.

'Excuse me sir, are you lost?'

On Monday, Jim tells us that he and Lori are 'taking a few days off and resting' at what he calls 'the cabin'. He's got a nice little tan working and he's wearing a rayon floral print shirt, but it looks like he forgot to shave as there's a whitish glow around his froggy lips and chin. If he weren't Jim Bakker, I might mistake him for an elderly, drunken vagrant from Florida who gets day work opening doors at a local hotel. Bakker wastes no time getting to the point, giving us some unverifiable doom-and-gloom news stories ranging from droughts and floods to the liquidation of Borders Bookstores.

Jim shouldn't be out in this heat

These lead into his big sales push for Seychelle Water Pitchers. Jim points out that it's '120 degrees' outside, while he moves into a news story about drought in Somalia. Jim admonishes the viewers to 'get ready', because 'serious times are here'. Meanwhile in the cool air-conditioning of 'the cabin', the ice cubes in Bakker's unblended margarita clink as they melt down into the glass. If Jim is so concerned about getting ready for these serious times, why has he taken a month off on vacation?

"BURP!"

Tuesday and it's Jim again in the same shirt. Bakker once more opens up with an excuse for why he's been on vacation for so long: he's taking a few days off before he starts 'the next 50 years' of deception in ministry. If he doesn't get out of that heat, I don't think he's gonna make it another 50 minutes. He rehashes the same scary stories as Monday, and now he has a water pitcher full of ice cubes for demonstration. Bakker tells us that "ice can be the most contaminated product that you put in your body", then fumbles and mumbles about the reasons why. The heat looks brutal out on that deck. There are trees in the background but I don't detect even a hint of wind moving through them. Jim pours his hot ass a nice cold glass of water and sort of chuckles while he does it. I can't deny that Jim is really, really hot out there. I can see the wheels of his mind turning as he's pouring that ice cold water into his cup: "Ahhhh, delicious ice cold water on a hot day...thy cup runneth over." He takes a drink right on camera, then gives us a look as if he's going to burp.

'You don't put the water in the bottom you waterhead!'

Wait Jim, don't drink that! Don't you know that those terribly contaminated ice cubes are still unfiltered? You don't place them inside the pitcher, you place them in the plastic container above the pitcher and let them drain down through the filter. Your ice cubes are not even being filtered, ya dumb waterhead (Jim's word, not mine).

"Wow, what a heat wave we're having!"

Wednesday and Bakker greets us with, "Welcome to today's broadcast. Wow, what a heat wave we're having!" He says this almost joyously, because Jim Bakker knows that heat = death = love gifts = $. As he says 'heat wave', he touches his brow in a completely phony gesture of exasperation. He's burning up out there but he loves every minute of it since it'll bring more money into his webbed hands. He's wearing the same shirt, except now it's starting to show signs of perspiration. It's painfully obvious that he's filming these all on the same day, probably within the same half-hour. In fact, the ice-filled pitcher (and completely drained cup) from Tuesday's opener are right there on the rail next to Jim, and the ice hasn't even melted yet. Come on Jim, at least change your shirt man.

Jim would turn it up to 150 degrees if he could

Thursday and yep, same shirt. Now Jim's holding the cup, and rightfully so because it's blistering out there. Bakker is literally baking in the sun. He gives us another quick excuse about needing to take a rest after 50 years of television, then it's off to the races with Seychelle leading the pack. The offer this week has been a 2-for-3 on water pitchers for $120 plus shipping. Good grief, Jim must be moving thousands of these things. Jim tells us that the most important love gifts he's ever given besides his 'parallel bibles' are the Seychelle Water Filtration Pitchers. He then takes another good long drink of water and rasps out, "It's a hundred and twenty degrees where I'm sitting right now." Jim, for god's sake, why are you standing out there in the heat baking your brain? Go inside where it's air conditioned, you dolt.

Cup on top of pitcher = let's wrap this up

Friday. Jim has wilted before our eyes under the angry Missouri sun. He's had to take a seat now in a chair on the deck. His shirt is becoming splotchier from the perspiration and he's slumping over a little while bracing himself with his arms. The cup is on top of the water pitcher, signifying to me that Jim told Lori, 'We'll shoot this last little segment, then it's a wrap.' Of course, dehydrated Jim can't stop himself from taking in one more gulp of that ice water. The guy is making me thirsty now.

"Mmm. Cool, clear, water."

He swallows the water down his gullet then announces, "Mmm. Cool, clear, water." As he drinks his water down, his tongue sort of clicks around in his mouth. The thing has probably swelled up from extreme thirst; if Bakker doesn't end this nonsense soon I think he's gonna start panting like a dog to radiate away his body's excess heat.

Jim rehashes all the earlier doom and gloom news as a capper. He focuses on Somalia and tells us that we should start sending Seychelle water pitchers to people in "Africa and all the other places", explaining that they could get water from the sky or even 'a dirty contaminated creek'. That's one of the more retarded things I think I've ever heard Jim Bakker say. Of course, he goes on to tell us that we should have them too.

Jim Bakker's frog legs, revealed.

 Now the camera pulls back to reveal Jim's froggy little legs. There's actually a stripe on the inseam of his pants that make his legs look amphibian. Bakker finishes up as he always does with a recap of products for sale.

As a footnote, if you really feel the need to buy a Seychelle Water Filtration Pitcher, shop elsewhere and get them cheaper. And if you have the choice, don't even buy Seychelle. After all, the guy is in the mix with Jim Bakker. Is that someone you would trust with your hard-earned money?