Jim Bakker welcomes Kellie Copeland-[Insert Name Here] part 1

A Branson Brothel

The Bakker show intro begins and we see night-time footage taken from outside Morningside. The place is lit up like a brothel...have we stumbled upon Branson's Red Light district? Let's go inside and see if we can find us some whores!

Oh look, here are our two special guests for the day, Dr Stephen Swisher and his snake-eyed wife, Kellie Copeland-Swisher. Whore spotted!

Has Madame Lori discovered the virtues of Opium?

Big fat Kevin Shorey's in the house too. Another whore. The latest Master's Media whores-in-training make an appearance. Resident Eunuch Zach is announcing...without testicles, singing skills or a quick wit, he's mostly a companion whore that makes you feel good about yourself when you enter the premises. And now we're introduced to the proprietors of this sin den, Jim the Pimp and Madame Lori. Whooosh, the Madame looks a little haggard today. Is she in an opium haze, or have all those years of whoring finally caught up with her? In contrast, Jim the Whoremonger looks real fresh...his ladies must have made a lot of money for him last week. Daddy even bought a new jacket and hat for himself...or maybe his bitches bought it for him.

Kellie Copeland with third husband, fifth child

Jim begins the show by introducing the world to Stephen and Kellie Copeland-Swisher. Bakker seems to be talking around things as he introduces them, choosing his words carefully. To understand why, I should probably give you some background on Kellie Copeland-Swisher. First off, what's that last name all about? Well, that's the last name of her husband. This husband, the one that's now present with her on stage. That's important to note, because this is her third husband. Yes, she's been married three times, which means the clock is probably ticking on this one too.

It gets worse. Kellie has two children with her first husband. She has an additional two children with her second husband. And now she has a child with her third husband. Hey New Guy, if you value your marriage then I would suggest not having that second child with Kellie. Call it a hunch.

Super Snake Kenneth Copeland

Kellie's dad is Kenneth Copeland, the scumbag masquerading as a man of God, whose ministry earns 100 million dollars a year preaching the prosperity gospel. Those are the preachers who tell you that if you have enough faith to give them money, Jesus will have enough faith in you to return it 10-times-over. They're like Jim Bakker without the Love Gifts. One of Kenneth Copeland's partners-in-prosperity is named Creflo Dollar...that should tell you all you need to know about the Copeland family.

Dr Stephen Swisher, Sad Sack

So here we are with Jim introducing the couple, and you can tell that he's sort of talking around things and trying to figure out how to explain their story. First, Jim asks the new husband if he loves his mother-in-law and father-in-law. Wow, that's a weird question to ask someone in public. Bakker then tells us that the two love-birds are going to talk about their 'lack of courtship' and 'lack of dating'. Bakker says that some marriages aren't made in heaven, but instead are made 'in a fever'. Wait Jim, wouldn't 'made in a fever' imply a marriage entered into without courtship and dating...like the one sitting right in front of you?

Bakker finds relief from this awkwardness in the form of a baby. Kellie and the New Guy's baby, Emily. This baby represents step 1 of 2 towards the ultimate destination of divorce for Swisher-Copeland and the New Guy. Since all of her husbands divorce her after the second child, she's already halfway there.

$20 bucks a ride, but double-divorcees ride free!

The New Guy is an unbelievably sad sack that looks like a camel. His name is Dr Stephen Swisher, and he's ugly. Big goofy eyes, big honker, fatty neck. Hey Mr Camel, I'll give you twenty bucks and some snacks if you let me ride you. Just bend down and fold your forelegs underneath you, then I'll hop on and strap in. We can roam the Sahara together on a quest to find Larry Bates' lost silver coins!

Can you guess who the fake doctor is today? Why, it's none other than the fake Dr Stephen Swisher, proud owner of an honorary degree from Dorchester University in England. What field is his honorary doctorate in? Who cares! The point is that he can add that title to his name when he writes books or gives speeches so people will be deceived into thinking he actually knows what he's talking about. It's sort of the same reason his wife continues to use the Copeland last name. But hey, maybe he does know what he's talking about, I don't know. But if my surgeon had an honorary medical degree, he wouldn't be my surgeon. To be fair though, if my surgeon looked like a camel, he wouldn't be my surgeon either.

Kellie Copeland, Ball Constrictor

Now here I was all prepared to tell you that Kellie Copeland-Swisher looks like a constrictor snake that's preparing to strike out and eat me. The problem is, she's packed on a few pounds since the baby and has lost some of the serpentine lines and edges in her face. She can't hide those deep-set, soulless eyes though. She still looks like a python, she just doesn't give off that dangerous 'I'm going to eat you" vibe now since she appears to have recently devoured something large...maybe she ate her last husband and is still digesting him? Oh my god, maybe she ate them both?

Archive photo of a young Kellie Copeland on the prowl

There's a lot of focus on this damn baby now. I guess that's the sort of thing you focus on when you've been married three times. The Ball Constrictor tells us what a miracle her baby is, that she's perfect in every single way. Will she also grow up to devour her husbands? The Constrictor tells us that it took a year and a half for them to conceive. That sad sack husband nods his head quickly when she says this but I noticed a fleeting look of shame appear momentarily on his face. What's the problem, Dr Camel? Shootin' blanks are ya? Or does your pee-pee get scared every time the Ball Constrictor de-robes, rears its ugly head and hisses at you? Next time, just imagine that you're out on a nice stretch of desert sand, lapping water from an oasis to refill your hump. When the Ball Constrictor approaches to mount you, just tell yourself, "I'm a camel, and she is my jockey." If all else fails, take comfort in knowing that her other two husbands were able to get babies out of her. Two a piece, actually. Now it's your turn with her.

Jim Bakker needs to be bitch-slapped

I'm looking at Bakker right now and I just want to smack him. He's wearing a new 'Morningside' hat that pushes his ears down on both sides, thus making him look like Master Yoda. The left ear, in particular, appears swollen at the top edge and it's bending down obnoxiously into Madame Lori's personal space. She probably wants to grab the thing and tear it off. Lose the hat, Bakker. You're indoors now, no need for a sun shade.

Oh no, Lori just gave us an update on 16-year-old Marie and it's not good. According to Lori, Marie announced that she wants an arranged marriage. Jim drops his jaw for the 'I'm shocked' effect, even though he obviously already knew this. Lori follows his lead, mouth opened wide.

Jim Bakker and Master Yoda: Separated at birth?

While their jaws are dropped, you can see them searching for the cameras with their eyes. Unfortunately, the camera never got a closeup because it would have been spectacular. Marie says she knows that Lori and Jim 'have her best interest at heart', she knows that Jim and Lori 'hear from God', and she's decided that she wants Jim and Lori to 'pick her husband'.

This is terrible, Marie. You couldn't be more wrong about these things. I do believe that Lori is watching out for your best interest; unfortunately, Lori Graham can't even be trusted to watch out for herself. She's had five abortions, was a drug addict, and there's a good chance that she has accepted money for sex at some point in her life. She is certainly, most certainly, not hearing from God, Marie. That's just her own voice in her head, the same voice that advised her to marry an ex-convict and have five abortions. That same voice now tells her that it's alright  to sell $10,000 statues of Jesus and lie to old people to take their money. She may be your quasi-mom-guardian of some sort, but that doesn't mean she should be your role model. Look outside of Morningside for a role model, trust me.

Jim and Lori Bakker acting shocked on-camera

As wrong as you are about Lori, you're even more mistaken about Jailbird Jim. Jim Bakker's only interest is himself. When Lori announced your 'arranged marriage' plans on tv, Jim dropped his mouth on purpose. He didn't 'just hear about it', he knew all along. He acted shocked in order to get all those lame brains in the audience and in tv land excited for his next big thing: Your marriage. Bakker sees you only as a dollar sign, Marie. Don't take it personal, that's how he sees everyone, except maybe his grandson James. Your fake dad, the guy you know as daddy Jim, was ripping people off and serving prison time well before you were born. He cheated on his wife with a lowly church secretary, and then tried to hide the affair by paying her hundreds of thousands of dollars of money given to him from his followers. Jim Bakker knows one thing and one thing only: Money. He does not know honesty, and he does not know integrity. Every move is calculated for profit, and let me tell you something else Marie: He loves it. If you penned him in like a pig and showered dollar bills everywhere, he would squeal and roll around in his own shit just to get close to the money. Every dollar he can pry from some old lady's hands is a dollar for him. Did you know that Jim Bakker once paid over $100 for fresh cinnamon rolls to be brought to his hotel room because he loved the smell of them? Well guess what, daddy Jim didn't love the smell of cinnamon rolls...he loved the smell of the money that paid for those rolls.

Lori Bakker: Do you really think she hears from God?

Jim Bakker does not have your best interest at heart, he has his best interest at heart. As sure as I am that Lori doesn't hear from God, I'm twice as sure that Jim Bakker does not hear from God. Jim only hears from himself, which happens to be mighty convenient for him because Jim Bakker also thinks of himself as God. Jim is an egomaniac, and his zombie followers play right into this. His followers, all those fat-asses you see out in the crowd, don't worship God, they worship Jim. Whatever Jim wants or needs, they oblige. These dummies literally give all their money to Jim Bakker. They move to where he is to be near him. Do you ever wonder why people would pack their bags and move to Morningside, Marie? It's because they love and worship Jim Bakker. Not God. He is their idol, the biblical Golden Frog.

You still have a couple years before your 18th birthday to change your mind. But once you hit 18 years of age, Jim's gonna pimp you right out to whomever he determines to be the most camera-friendly, whichever good-looking kid has the biggest money-making potential for him. He might even demand a dowry. All I can say is that you'd better pray, as hard as you can possibly pray, that Philip Cameron doesn't get a whiff of this. That guy will be at your doorstep tomorrow, wedding ring in one hand, dick in the other.

When Zach's shirt explodes open, we're gonna see man-boobs

Bakker moves from fake daughter Marie's big announcement to more important things: Introducing the new gaggle of Master's Media dupes. Zach Drew is seated in front of them and gets to speak first, since he's the perpetual bonehead of this faux school. Zach looks like he hasn't showered in days, his hair is kinda greasy and he has whiskers growing off his jowels. He's also wearing a button-up shirt that appears ready to explode open at the top button.

Back on the dating theme, Jim and Lori are ribbing Zach about dating for some reason. This isn't friendly ribbing, there's something else going on behind the scenes and it doesn't bode well for Zach. He tries to be diplomatic about things when he remarks that 'Lori always gives her approval or disapproval to anyone I bring to her', to which Lori replies, "You better believe it." Then Lori honks threateningly like a goose guarding its goslings. She also referred to him as 'Zachary' in this exchange. You'd better stop while you're ahead, Zach. Jim and Lori don't seem like the sort of people who would just brush off minor insubordination...especially when it comes from a mediocre fat kid.

Speaking of mediocre fat kids, there's a new one in town and his name's Braydon Rogers.

Click here to proceed to part 2 of Jim Bakker welcoming Kellie Copeland-[Insert Name Here].