Jim Bakker welcomes Kellie Copeland-[Insert Name Here] part 2

This is Part 2. Click here to read part 1 of Jim Bakker welcomes Kellie Copeland-[Insert Name Here].

Does Braydon have a conehead?

Speaking of mediocre fat kids, there's a new one in town and his name's Braydon Rogers. Interesting name he has there, since 'to bray' is to make a harsh, loud cry like a donkey. I wouldn't say Braydon looks like a donkey though, he looks more like a representation of what that braying sound looks like in the flesh. He has the beginnings of a double chin, a smattering of whiskers residing on both chins, and an awful lip-stache. His hair parts awkwardly: not from the side, but not from the middle either. I'd be interested in seeing some baby pictures of this kid because I think he might have a conehead. It could just be the camera angle, but I see a definite point at the top of his head. His dad is the Pastor of Harvest Assembly, a church in the area that is probably looking for some special favors from Jim.

Melody's gummy smile

Next up we have Melody. Jim makes a big fuss about her because she's the token black student this semester. She's wearing enormous disc-shaped earrings and she shows a little too much gum when she smiles, but overall she's pretty normal on the outside. What isn't normal? Her father. He leads the all-black Gloryland Choir and has apparently appeared on Bakker's show before because we're seeing a clip of them performing. This ranks as one of the more disturbing things I've seen on the Jim Bakker Show. The choir is full of children, and they're lead by some lunatic up front that rocks back and forth very, very quickly.

Melody's dad wants to be a star

Let me tell you, this choir is not about the choir, it's about the crazy adult man up front who wants to be a star. Did I tell you that they're all wearing dark gospel robes with gold tassle and frill at the edges? Some of them even get shoulder boards to wear on the robes to signify their greatness. Correction: Only one of them gets shoulder boards, and he's also the only adult man in the bunch. The gold-edged robes, by the way, serve a function: They show us just how quickly this entire mass of choir is dancing. It's unnerving to watch, sort of like the opening ceremony for the 2008 Beijing Olympics...except the Olympic ceremony also had beauty to it. This Gloryland Choir dancing business causes me to shift uncomfortably in my chair, as it makes me think that either an enormous earthquake is occurring, or some unlucky bastard is being cooked in a giant pot of boiling water. After five seconds of that shit, I'm starting to feel seasick. Holy crap, please no more Gloryland Choir ever again. And arrest that guy up front, he's up to no good.

Nolan goes the extra mile for Bakker

Hey hey, Nolan is up next! his is Nolan's second year of wasting money at Master's Media, so you may have seen him before. He looks like one of the rats running Pete's Diner in the movie The Muppets Take Manhattan. Nolan is what a person might call the 'runt of the litter'. I'll bet he gets sick a lot, and he probably has a lot food allergies. He wears a fake diamond stud to complement Bakker's chintzy Jesus dogtags. And he was once forced to swim for Jim Bakker. You heard me right, forced to swim. There was an episode (which I'll cover soon) where Nolan had to demonstrate the survival gear that Jim Bakker was hawking. This task took him to a lake where, if I recall correctly, he floated on a sleeping bag. How do I know he was forced? Because Nolan can't swim. And how do I know he can't swim? Because he told us on that show. I think Jim likes Nolan, the kid goes the extra mile for him.

Nolan and pal cooking up slop in the Morningside Kitchen

Sasha the Bird Whisperer is introduced too, but since this is her second year at the Master's Media she gets to sit in a chair. I didn't think it was possible, but I'm pretty sure Sasha is becoming stupider. She flashes a big cute smile, dimples and all, but nothing of substance exits her mouth. I really think she's as dumb as a rock, and for once I'm thankful that Jim has his expensive fake school for her to call home. If she was left at home alone with her birds, I'm afraid she would accidentally start a fire somehow and burn the house down. I don't care about her house, but I'd hate to hear about a bunch of innocent birds getting incinerated.

Is Sasha getting dumber in 'college'?

The last horribly misguided kid is introduced, a good-looking girl named Ariel. In a concerned tone, Jim asks her twice 'how she's doing'. Did something happen to her that we aren't aware of? Maybe she fell off a ladder while hanging up all those lights on the outside of Morningside? Keeping with the theme of 'local pastors looking for favors from Jim', she is the daughter of some guy named 'Pastor Dale Bowlingball'. That's really how she said his name, and Bakker never flashed a graphic for me to read so that's the name I'm going with.

Dolph and Little Lori

Bakker moves on to a segment showing footage of his other fake daughter's marriage. Little Lori married a hunky-looking fella with the unhunky name, Jasper. He looks a little like a young Dolph Lundgren, but his dad runs the main camera for Bakker's show, so you know there's a lot of oddness going on with his family. A special speech is given by that rascally-rascal with the high-pitched voice and speech impediment, Lloyd Ziegler. He looks to be all of about 5'2", larger than a Chihuahua but definitely smaller than a St Bernard. This little guy is trying his durndest to floor the crowd with references to Thomas Edison and Victrolas, but one can't shake the feeling that he might really just be a tall midget. He has all the signs: short stature, helium voice and spunk bordering on anger. At only 62 inches high, I wonder if he's taller than Kevin Shorey is round? I would advise Mr Ziegler to steer clear of Kellie Constrictor-Copeland...he's just small enough to be considered prey.

HONK IF YOU'RE NAKED!

Dolph takes Little Lori out for a dance and they nibble cake off each other's fingers. They make their horny getaway in an SUV, and painted on one window are the words, "Honk if you're naked!". Maybe there's hope for Little Lori after all! I mean, she did take a stand and refuse to get married on the show. Keep it up Little Lori, there's hope for you yet!

Enough with the marriage nonsense, Jim Bakker's gotta get back to business. He tells us that in a few weeks, Master's Media will be out of funds. Laughing, he assures us that this is 'no big deal' because "We kinda live on the edge all the time." Do you hear that, you mindless Bakker zombies? Jim Bakker telling us all that he lives on the edge all the time. There's a solution to that: Stop misusing peoples' money. Stop giving Philip Cameron a hundred-thousand dollars per visit for the Moldovan Harem House. Stop building RV parks, bathhouses and swimming pools. The solution to 'living on the edge' is to not live on the edge.

The 'Mater's Media Special'

Bakker's edge-living requires an influx of cash for Master's Media 'scholarships'. Haven't gotten your fill of fat kids dancing? Yearning to send more dim-witted terrors like Frankenzach and Inbred Redford to a school that serves no purpose other than to fill Jim Bakker's staff with unpaid interns? If you do, then Jim's got just the thing for you! Send him fifty bucks towards the scholarship fund, and he'll send you five pieces of obnoxious jewelry that'll turn your skin green and give you a rash. Oh and look, the graphic on the screen is misspelled, I wonder which crack student typed that up? Instead of 'Master's Media Special', it reads 'Mater's Media Special'. This scholarship fund scam is horseshit, it's Jim's own damn school for crying out loud. You're not paying a school, you're paying Jim! Argh!

Sasha calls this 'Classy looking"

One of the gifts is a "Jesus" pin with fake diamonds in it. Bakker laughs and tells us that "Nobody will guess where you stand if you wear that Jesus pin!". Yep you're right Jim, nobody will have to guess when they spot the buffoon who wears that ugly thing in public. It screams 'Ozarks', and identifies the wearer as an inbred. An inbred who purchased it from, and stands with, a serpent named Jim who plays a pastor on tv. It's a badge of dishonor, and anyone who wears it should be ashamed of themselves.

There's another hideous looking piece that Jim pumps up. It's a necklace with a pendant that reads, once again, Jesus. To sell this thing is sacrilege, can't his zombies see that? Sasha calls it "classy looking". Dumb as a rock, I tell ya. Is Master's Media actually causing these kids to devolve? My god, I hope we don't see Zach eating a banana next.

Kellie Copeland's slutty red heels

Jim's throwing in a couple of Kellie Constrictor-Copeland's products with each "Mater's Media Special". One is a worthless dvd where she explains how to have "Eternal, Lasting Romance". Lady, are you out-of-your-fricking mind? You've been married three times, hopping from man to man like you're playing hopscotch. Her second item up for bid is a cd with an image of red slut heels on the cover. Jim says that he doesn't know what is actually on the cd; he probably knows but was distracted by the heels. Are you thinking the same thing I'm thinking, Jim? All three husbands saw her naked in those heels, am I right?

Jim Bakker flashes his forked tongue

Bakker just told us that he believes Zach and the other Master's Media kids are all prophets-in-training. Calling someone a prophet is a pretty serious thing, Jim. Do you have anything to support this claim, or are you just saying this so that people give you money to support your school? Come on Pastor Jim, aren't you lying just a little there? So what if you tell a little lie, they're not smart enough to figure it out anyways, right?

I shoulda known that Bakker was planning something with his repeated use of the word 'prophet', as we get a little prosperity gospel from good ol' Jim Bakker. Jim quotes Matthew 10:41 which apparently tells us:

[Matthew 10:41] "If you sponsor a Master's Media prophet-in-training for Jim Bakker, you will receive all of the money that they make later in life as a return on your investment."

Jimmy, my boy, you never let me down! You, sir, are as dependable as the sunrise. I know that every morning when I turn that tv on, you'll be right there ready to convince me why my money should be yours. What a slithering, disgusting snake you are. Do me a favor and go dunk your big head in a toilet.

Zach has officially stepped over to the Dark Side

Zach has now officially stepped over to the Dark Side. He follows up after Jim, telling us that it's important to know where your money goes. He's really laying it on thick in his new-found arrogance, saying that you can see your money in himself, Sasha, and "everyone on stage!". He's looking right into the camera, pointing at us and really trying to get us excited to give. We need Kevin Shorey back to belly bump this fat twerp off the stage. I hope you enjoy the attention I give you Zach, because you'll be getting more of it now.

In case we didn't understand him the first time, Jailbird Jim reminds us again that if we give him money to support his prophets, we'll be sitting pretty come payday. I thought Jim had renounced the prosperity gospel? Maybe he's feeling the effects of having Kellie Copeland sitting so close to him? She must be carrying the same stink that her dad carries, and it's rubbing off on Jim today.

Jim Bakker casts a spell over his Zombie Army

Bakker says that his second-fattest daughter, Maricela, believes that if it wasn't for Madame Lori guiding her through her teenage years, she wouldn't have been a virgin when she met her husband. Bakker also informs us that her husband, he-of-triangular-nose, was also a virgin when they married. Hate to break it to you kids, but you were still virgins for a reason. It's because one of you is ugly, and the other is fat. Can you guess which is which?

Jim pretends that he just decided to throw in yet another bonus with every purchase of a Master's Media scholarship. Now he's giving us a dvd of Dolph and Lori's wedding. Bakker and the Madame share a laugh when they recount Jim forgetting the wedding ring for Little Lori. Oh I don't think Jim forgot the ring, Lori. I think he dropped it off at a jeweler to have all the diamonds ripped out, then forgot to pick it up before heading to the chapel.

Jim Bakker sells this hunk of junk for $1000

If you fancy yourself a big-spender, Jim tells you that you can buy in for $1000 as a Master's Media Legacy Sponsor. Jim says not to give the money for his cheap love gift, just do it because you love the Lord. Of course, it does come with a love gift for the incredibly-cheap asshole who absolutely must have some Bakker shwag for his money:  A miniature camera on a tripod, with a clock inside. It looks like it was made from the leftover parts in a hardware store clearance bin. I can make out a brass cabinet handle, a toilet arm, and the aerator from a bathroom faucet. Was this thing made at some Blind Vets charity? How could a person even dream up this little trinket?

The Ball Constrictor spots a delicious rat in the corner

With the sales secured for the day, Bakker finally moves on to his guests. The discussion is about how the Ball Constrictor and the Camel met. According to the Constrictor, she was perfectly content being the single, twice-divorced mother of four children. She claims that she was frigid for four years, until the day when one Dr Stephen Swisher caught her eye. They met at some sort of church function, maybe it was payday at the big Copeland church. She said her love didn't come quickly, it took awhile for the Lord to turn her heart over to him. Of course it did Kellie, that's because he's ugly and you're the filthy rich daughter of a phony pastor that fleeces $100 million a year outta people.

How do you spell Swisher? S-A-D  S-A-C-K

Now we hear the Camel's side of the story. I don't know whether he's a dumb schmuck for marrying her, or if he's brilliant for worming his way into her filthy-rich family. What I do know is that he's a big bore. His voice is deep and nasally, courtesy of that big schnozz hanging off his face. And he speaks quickly, so all you really hear is a wave of powerful low-frequency sound rumbling past your ears. He says that he called up the Constrictor and asked her out on a date, she accepted, then she called him back to retract because she was preaching about 'Pure Life' and was telling people that they shouldn't date.

The Camel extends his long-fingered paw

In this exchange, I've learned something else about the Camel. He has hands like claws. His hands are normal size, but his fingers seem to have an extra couple inches on them. Maybe that gives him better traction in sandy environs? Or maybe they function like a snowshoe, dispersing his weight on sand dunes to prevent him from sinking into quicksand?

So now our little love story enters the Twilight Zone. The Ball Constrictor told the Camel that if he could get her home phone number from the Holy Spirit, she would go out with him. He says he started rattling off the number, getting two correct before missing the third "by one digit'. He says that, in less than 5 minutes, he had the whole number figured out. Guess what Dr Swisher, if the Holy Spirit had given you the number, you would have had it two seconds. You wouldn't have missed the third number. Five minutes is an awful long time for grown adults to play a stupid 'guess my phone number' game, don't ya think? Did you just start naming every number at the end until she said yes? Why not just hang-up, ask the Senate Finance Committee that investigated her father for the number, then call her back and knock her socks off in just one try?

"Hello, I'm Satan. What would you like to buy today?"

I'm confident that if the Holy Spirit were going to interact in the lives of two people who were destined to meet, he would provide Jim Bakker's phone number to Special Agent Justice of the FBI instead of giving the Camel's number to Copeland-Constrictor. Consider how much more fruit that marriage would bear to the world? We'd have Jim back in prison, his inbred zombies released back into the wild to guard the Ozarks from the Commies, and an army of enslaved Master's Media kids gaining real employment at Walmart. The Camel / Constrictor marriage, in contrast, is just gonna end up in divorce. Copeland-Swisher has shown herself to be better at divorcing men than marrying them.

[Prison Warden] [answering phone] "Yeah, what's up?"
[Prison Guard] "Hey, Bakker's threatening to hang himself again."
[Warden] "With what? Didn't you already take his shoelaces last week?"
[Guard] "Yeah, but now he's pulled all the elastic out of his waistband."
[Warden] "Does he realize that elastic isn't strong enough to hang himself with?"
[Guard] [laughing] "I tried telling him, but he interrupts me with sobs. In fact when I just came to call you, he latched onto my leg like a little kid and begged me not to go. I think Chester really did a number on him in the upper bunk."
[Warden] [laughing] "And what does Chester have to say about this?"
[Guard] "Well, you know how intense Chester gets when he smells fear in his cellmates? He must smell it on Bakker, because he just gives the guy this wild-eyed look and yells out some sort of crazy-sounding Indian war cry."
[Warden] [laughing] "Well maybe Jimmy Bakker should have thought about this before Jimmy Bakker decided to rip people off in the name of religion?"
[Guard] [laughing] "Yeah, and maybe Jimmy should have thought out the elastic plan before he removed it, because now Jimmy's pants don't stay up and Chester thinks he's flirting with him."

Kellie Copeland devouring her last husband

Now we're at the date, the very thing that the Ball Constrictor swore to never do again. She jokes about all the reasons why her date wasn't really a date. That's not funny, Kellie. If you're preaching one thing but doing another, then you are a hypocrite. Like Jim when he preaches that money will soon be worthless, yet takes money for payment.

The story just sort of ends there, with the Camel going to the Copeland residence to speak to Kenneth and his old bag wife, Gloria. They tell him, in so many words, that they would love to unload their adult daughter on him. We never hear how many more 'dates' this hypocrite goes on with the Camel, but she's given us no reason to think that she stuck by the 'no dating' mantra she preaches.

Copeland looking for her next meal

Bakker ends the show by telling us that we should all let God choose our mates for us. Except if you're his fake-daughter Marie. Then he gets to choose.

Post-show, Jim Bakker plays a five-minute commercial  full of clips of himself begging for more money. Bakker's been doing this a lot lately. He tells us that he needs money to stay on the air, then he fills that air with commercials. Why not just get rid of the entire 'show' and run an hour of commercials, Jim?