 |
| Mrs Wintercorn, Zach and FrankenZach |
Dateline: June 2010
Morningside - Blue Eye, MO
Subj: Foodbucket Flashback
Re: Fat Inbreds Dancing
According to my DVR, the single greatest episode of The Jim Bakker Show occurred sometime in June 2010. It was the graduation of the inaugural Master's Commission class, or at least that's what Jim said. Fast-forward to a year later and many faces have disappeared, and in fact Master's Commission has changed to the unfranchised and probably unaccredited broadcasting college that Jim created, Master's Media.
 |
| The black kid and Inbred Redford, heads bowed in mediocrity |
The show begins with a somber tone, the fat graduates arrayed in front of us like hogs at a fair. Everyone's heads are bowed, hands clasped. The camera pans across the collected herd. There's Zach and FrankenZach. Young froglet James is positioned next to his crush, Mrs Wintercorn. On the upper deck of the stage we spy Bill Ballenger's son, Count Ballenger. To his left is Big Trystan, and between both of them is an unknown girl with enormous thighs, the proverbial elephant in the room. She's positioned in the worst possible spot: Smack dab in the middle of the entire group. Normally we put the unattractive off to the side so we don't have to look at them. Here, they've quite literally attempted to hide her in plain view.
 |
| Why would you place her right in the middle of the pack? |
A song prelude has been playing in the background, but now it's showtime. Altogether, the kid's contort. They are, in their own minds, dancing beautifully for their Lord, Jim Bakker. To the home viewer, it appears that they are simultaneously convulsing due to a bad Branson burger. They wave their arms and move their hands in motions which resemble sign language. And the kids are not only 'dancing', they're also lip-synching.
 |
| FrankenZach almost went horizontal |
It's interesting to pick out the best- and worst-dancers, considering that they're all bad dancers to begin with. The token black kid is pretty decent, whereas FrankenZach is horrible. FrankenZach is trying very, very hard though; at one point he almost went completely horizontal while still standing on his feet. The real Zach is remarkably agile for a big man, and we see that froglet James is actually somewhat coordinated. Surprising, given his softy look.
Whoa, Big Tryst just exploded into a fake solo! That explains the unauthorized sweatpants she's wearing, she'll need that extra breathability and stretchiness...the last thing we need up there are split pants. She's moving in steps which could be described as Combat Tai Chi, ineffective-but-important-looking flailings of her hocks and bellies.
 |
| "HI-YA!" |
She performs her movements all with a pained expression on her face as she mimics the words of the recorded lady who actually did the singing.
Back to a pan shot. Inbred Redford is next to the black kid, and I'd say he's be about average on the dancing scale. But whoosh, Mrs Charlotte Wintercorn is A-W-F-U-L, with a capital A.
Uh-oh, have I got some disappointing news for Big Trystan. Her dance partner for this evening is going to be The Count, cause he's been placed directly opposite her onstage.
 |
| The Count, thrusting |
And there he goes! He's cavorting onstage with a creepy look in his eye, humping the air like a dog in heat. No sweats for him, no sir, The Count has smartly decided to wear jeans for this little event to hide the arousal which will be in full bloom by the end of the song. Hell, it's probably there now. This poor kid's been pent up in a four-man room with three fat kids who've been fartin' foodbucket gas all 'semester',
now it's time to party. And the scent of Trystan Eschette is in the air.....Oooh, hubba hubba! Show her what you got kid!
 |
| The Count has that look in his eye |
Whoa-ho, and here's what he's got: Two make-believe six-shooters he's pulling out of his pockets. I have no idea how this move even relates to the song, and frankly I'm not even listening to the song. My brain is too busy watching the visual trainwreck unfolding in front of me.
The Count actually grabbed the air and thrust into it. I hope Bakker has a firehose ready off-stage, or at least a stout stick, this kid is about ready to self-combust. What the hell is in those foodbuckets anyways?
 |
| Whoa pardner, no guns allowed in here! |
To my relief, The Count makes it through his fake singing solo without getting himself arrested. We're back on the chorus now with the whole assembly doing a sort of lazy 8 move with their hands. Then they all get the Happy Feet. They hop up and down while rotating their hips in mid-air. It's completely nonsensical, is this even considered dancing? They're all looking down while they hop too...are they not capable of safely jumping up and down in place without watching their feet?
 |
| Careful elephant, careful! |
Scratch that, they've just answered my question. The elephant in the room appears to be teetering on the brink of disaster while she's hopping up there. She's looking down, but I honestly don't even think she can see her feet, it's got to be only belly and thighs from her viewing angle
on top of her own damn body. But that's alright Big Mama, you just do what you gotta do to be safe up there. Cause if you fall, you're gonna cause a chain-reaction and the rest of the fat kids are gonna drop like dominoes.
 |
| Bakker better get that hose ready |
The song's winding down. Count Ballenger gets another couple humps out at the air, while Trystan makes the ASL sign for 'more butter, please'. They're both completely spent. The kids finish their song to a standing ovation from the Bakker zombies in attendance.
 |
| The Count grabbed the air and humped it |
We cut to Jim Bakker who is now up at the podium in cap and gown. He plays a pre-recorded message from Lloyd Ziegler, director of Master's Commission. Lloyd has a Sylvester the Cat speech impediment, and given the squeaky tone of his voice, I believe the man suffers from shrunken testicles. I could be wrong on that though; he might not have any testicles at all.
After the message plays, we have power-couple Zach and Trystan together giving an address. Zach begins with 'thank yous', and his first thank you goes out to "everybody that cooked for us". Good to see Zach with his priorities straight.
 |
| Mrs Wintercorn can't dance |
Big Tryst takes the mic and thanks everyone for 'taking us in'. Trystan, you performed a service for Jim Bakker. You
paid him to 'take you in', then you went even further and gave him your time and effort for free. You serve at the pleasure of Jim Bakker...and when he's no longer pleased, you will no longer serve. Trystan continues on by telling us how close she's become to everyone, that she now considers them all her 'brothers and sisters'. I feel a little bad for Trystan since I know that 90% of these kids are gone in a year.
 |
| Trystan signing for 'more butter, please' |
Where's Inbred Redford and the black kid? Mrs Wintercorn? Gone with the harvest. Frankenzach? Back to the castle dungeon. They're all gone. Soon Trystan and Zach will be gone too, never to be seen on television again. And all they'll have to show for their time and money is a wrinkled 'diploma' printed on standard 20# copy paper and preserved for all eternity in a cheap plastic frame. Maybe they'll get lucky one day and see themselves in repeats, hawking Jim's crap while he and Lori sun themselves to a crisp on a Florida vacation. That will be Jim Bakker's special love gift for you, Trystan. Welcome to reality.
 |
| Jim Bakker selling watches |
Right on time, Jim shows up in a sales-pitch interlude. He's wearing a cap and gown, with tassel. Dean Bakker proceeds to tell us all about the awesome $50 'Thank You' gift we can send him to support the next Master's Commission class. I don't get it: Why would we send him a thank you gift? Shouldn't he be sending us a thank you gift for supporting his heretical ministry? This makes no sense at all, but there's the Dean up there telling us what we get for our Thank You love gift. We get a foodbucket taster pack, a jackoff pump-flashlight, a packet of 'purple power drink' (which is probably Grape Kool-Aid repackaged), and two ugly watches.
 |
| "I'm a little concerned, Dean. This is highly unusual." |
Dean Bakker then models the watches for us like a
Price is Right model. He even has the little wrist motion down. You know the move: A slow rotation of the wrist to make the fake diamonds twinkle under the stage lamps. I've seen a lot of things in my day, but I can't recall ever having seen a college dean try to sell me a watch. This is a first.
The trainwreck continues. Bill Ballenger, convicted felon, takes the stage to sing one of his awful songs. He and his fat wife used to be regulars on the show, but now they've disappeared. The guy is in his forties, frosts his hair, and looks like a giant rat. He can't sing for shit, but he pulls a smoke-and-mirrors move with the hair and clothes to fool people into thinking that he can.
 |
| The Rat leering at the girls |
He and his wife went to prison years ago, but now he's supposedly reformed and working a 'youth concert' racket which gives him access to high school girls all across the country. Do I know for sure that The Rat is doing anything inappropriate with all these impressionable teenage girls within his reach? No. Would I give him access to my teenage daughter? No. Any convicted felon that frosts his hair and wears clothes designed to hide is true age is not getting anywhere near my daughter...or my son for that matter. No matter how you slice it, it's weird. Stop lurking around the high school kids and go get a real job dude.
 |
| Morningside Chief Collaborator, Charlene Graham |
Unlike his son, Bill Ballenger avoids humping the air on-stage, though I can't speak for what occurs backstage. He finishes his below-average song (which, by the way, stole a beat from British musician Seal), and heads back to his seat with the rest of the 'faculty'. Oh, did I not mention that Professor Ballenger is also part of the Master's Commission faculty? Yep, and I think he teaches Sex Ed, but don't quote me on that.
 |
| FrankenZach thinking of cartoons |
The Rat crawls back into his hole and is displaced by Dean Bakker flapping his gums for a bit. Jim blows smoke up their asses, telling them that they'll be doing the Lord's work in the Christian broadcast ministry. What he doesn't tell them is that, in the meantime, the least ugly ones of the bunch will be doing Jim Bakker's work...and they'll be doing it for free. After Jim talks himself out, it's diploma time. Each student is called up to receive their shoddy diploma, a hand shake from Jim and a kiss from Lori. Lori tells each one that she loves them. Lori's mother Charlene, the Crypt Keeper, is wearing a special purple stole to identify herself as Morningside's chief collaborator. To be clear, she is the only one wearing a special robe. Jim doesn't even get that.
 |
| Trystan the Tranny Slug |
As each kid walks up, I can't help thinking that this resembles a special olympics award ceremony. Each one of these kids looks a wee bit off. Frankenzach's eyes are deepset and dim. Inbred Redford looks dull but powerful. Trystan looks like a giant transvestite slug. Maybe the Crypt Keeper's purple stole is used to dab slobber off of the kid's mouths? If I had to choose one ultimate career path for these kids, it would most certainly not be television. Maybe Jim sees something I don't see.
 |
| Did Inbred Redford just escape a mental institution? |
After diploma presentation, it's time for the big show finale: 2500 pounds of lip-syncing Master's Commission beef. We start out slow, with Zach Drew fake-singing to us. Then Inbred Red stands up. He's wearing leather wrist bracelets with a chain link dangling from them. On a normal kid these would be cool, but on Red they make him look like he just ripped himself off a wall at the local mental institution.
 |
| Why did we never know his name? |
The token black kid's up next, with cap pressed firmly down on top of his afro. His name, by the way, is Antwan Jamar. I only know this because they were forced to say his name during diploma presentation. I've never heard Bakker mention his name otherwise. Why not, Jim? He's just a student like everyone else, and he has a name. You draw attention to him by your avoidance of him. Why didn't you ever give him a chance to announce or run a foodbucket marathon? Is it because you knew your audience wouldn't go for
that sort of thing?
 |
| Wintercorn going the wrong way |
Count Ballenger springs up from his seat. Too bad for him though: Since this isn't a thrusting song, he can't work his six-shooter magic again. At some point off-camera, three of the lovely ladies rise up to join the growing chorus. We see the ungainly Mrs Wintercorn screw up her dance number again, walking the wrong way into the other girls. One of the lesser known kids stands up for a small solo piece. He has acne and, in profile, he's all nose and lips. I imagine his high school yearbook is full of girls telling him that he was 'dependable' when they needed a shoulder to cry on, and that he was 'like a brother' to them. He's been cursed with just-below-average looks, good enough to run with the horses but bad enough to come in last every time.
 |
| This kid's all nose and lips |
Young froglet James gets his turn at lip-syncing. He turns towards Grandfrog Bakker and fake-sings in what should be an emotional moment for Jim. Kevin Shorey appears to have tears in his eyes, as does the long-gone associate-pastor with dyed black hair. Jim's eyes, of course, are dry as a bone.
 |
| The Zombie Apocalypse is...NOW! |
And now, all the other fat kids suddenly arise and join the chorus. It actually startled my wife who was watching, she thought the Zombie Apocalypse had finally arrived. They all sing as one, 'Thank you for giving to the Lord." The bottom of the screen, coincidentally, has a graphic asking for 'Thank You' gifts of $50. It's yet another obnoxious, ill-disguised plea for money by Jim Bakker. Who should be thanking who, Jim?
