Jim Bakker: This is your life!

'Visit JimBakkerShow.com if you'd like to buy my crap'

[Ralph Edwards] Welcome to This Is Your Life, where we recap our special guest's life by bringing in mystery guests from their past. I'm Ralph Edwards, and tonight we welcome on Jim Bakker, defrocked pastor, convicted felon and host of The Jim Bakker Show. I should mention before we get started that Jim has a couple books available for purchase through his website. He also has Silver Sol, Dehydrated Emergency Food, Grab n' Go Backpacks, Magic Healing Wristbands, and Jackoff Flashlights available through his website, www.jimbakkershow.com. Now, let's get started with our first mystery guest!

"Jim confided in me for years. Marriage problems, money issues, everything. Whenever he'd stick his fingers in me, he'd giggle and give me a little kiss on the nose with those weird lips of his. We'd shower together, then he'd sing me a gospel song while he dressed me."

'Ohhh.....Ohhh....'

[Jim Bakker] Oh my, this is embarassing...[brow furrows] Is that you Jessica? I've been praying for you.

[Ralph Edwards] Jessica who, Jim?
[Jim Bakker] [coughs through the name] Ha*cough*hn. Hahn.
[Ralph Edwards] No Jim, it's not Jessica Hahn, but it is another lady friend from your past. Let's bring out Susie Moppet, Jim's puppet from CBN!

[Jim Bakker] Ohh...ohhh [begins fake crying]

A rumpled Susie Moppet puppet is brought out to Jim. Jim inserts his hand into Susie and deftly animates the doll. Susie shakes Jim's hand, then they both lean in and rub noses together. Jim tells the audience that he's known Susie for years and thought she'd died in the great CBN puppet apocalypse of 1972.

[Ralph Edwards] Alright Jim, now we're ready for our second mystery guest.

"Jim Bakker and I, we were more than just lovers. We were life partners. I remember the first time we met, he wept uncontrollably in my arms. Our relationship got off to a rocky start; Jim insisted that he liked being alone and wanted to keep things that way. It took a little work, but I eventually convinced him that a man as gentle as Jim Bakker needed a companion to trot through life with. I still remember how he would whimper as we made love."

'Is your face healed up yet, Lori?'

[JB] I know this one [lips curl into that Jim Bakker shyster grin]. Lori! I thought you were in Florida getting your botox injections from Carl "Dr Seychelle" Palmer?

[RE] Oh Jim, have we got a surprise for you. That's not Lori.

[JB] [grins like a child] Oh it isn't? Well I like surprises. [Turns to audience and nods head] Don't you like surprises?

[RE] Jim, it's not Lori behind that curtain...Ladies and gentleman, traveling direct from cell 69 of the Federal Correction Institution in Jessup, GA, it's Jim's prison cellmate, Rodney White!

[JB] Ohh...ohhh [Bakker appears physically ill]

'Not my asshole again!'

Rodney, a large man weighing about 300 lbs, is escorted out by four corrections officers, one on each limb. He's wearing leg-irons and his arms are cuffed in front of him. Bakker shifts uncomfortably in his chair as Rodney shuffles over to him and leans ominously over Jim. Bakker avoids eye contact...that is, until Rodney quickly grabs him by the collar with his cuffed hands. Rodney is heard telling Jim in a hushed voice, "Your ass is mine Bakker." Rodney growls at Bakker, then the guards intervene and hurriedly rush Rodney backstage. Jim is visibly shaken and Ralph Edwards sends us out for a commercial break.

'The Minister's Markup is a flat 200% above our cost.'

As we come back from the break, a composed Bakker is chit-chatting with Edwards about the 'Minister's Markup' he adds to foodbuckets. Bakker is all smiles once again, and Edwards continues.

[RE] Our guest today is Jim Bakker. Alright Jim, let's see who else wants to stop by and say hello!

"Jim always had a certain charm to him. We knew what we were doing was wrong but we couldn't help ourselves. He'd pick me up at bars after taping PTL, we'd have a few drinks, then we'd head to a cheap motel somewhere off the interstate. Yes, it was wrong, but at the time it felt so right. I had a nickname for him...I used to call him my 'little wet noodle'. He loved it...in fact every time I'd say it he'd growl his approval."

'You are a liar David Taggart!'

[JB] [brow furrows, face turns red] These are lies. You are a liar David!

[RE] That's right Jim, it's David Taggart!

David Taggart, Jim Bakker's former assistant, PTL-defendant and rumored gay-lover, prances out from behind the curtain and blows a kiss towards Jim. Taggart tells the audience that prison finished the job that Bakker began on him, and he is now fully transgendered.

[JB] [wagging a bony finger at Ralph Edwards] You take this harlot away from me Ralph! You take him away now!

Taggart blows another kiss towards Bakker and is then politely escorted offstage.  The show enters into commercial break.

'...reminds of Nana Bakker's pot pies'

Returning from the break, Bakker is fake crying while telling the audience how Foodbucket Cacciatore reminds him of his grandmother's fresh-baked chicken pot pies.

[RE] Wow Jim, it's quite a life you've had huh?

[JB] [lips curl into the shyster grin] Yes, it is.

[RE] Would you change anything?

[JB] [ponders question, then curls his lips up] Not a thing.

[RE] [in affectedly-serious tone] Well then, let's bring out your next guest.

"My sodium levels are very high. I'm round and heavy, and inbreds love me at mealtime. I'm overpriced considering my mediocre nature, and truth be told you could do much better for the money. I won't lie though: If the Apocalypse arrived tomorrow, I could feed a family of four...with food to spare."

'Our foodbuckets are better'

[JB] Wow Ralph, you know that sounds a little like those Food For Health dehydrated food buckets you can buy at Costco and Amazon. [Turns to audience and nods head] But you should buy ours instead..our Food For Health foodbuckets are better.

[RE] No Jim, even though this guest is a Costco platinum member, he is not a foodbucket. Let's meet him...Kevin, why don't you come on out!

Kevin Shorey steps out from behind the curtain but his shoe catches on the curtain. A stagehand helps pull the curtain off his shoe, but inadvertently pulls of Kevin's shoe in the process. Kevin, physically unable to bend over and replace his shoe, motions to the stagehand to slip it back on. An exasperated Kevin finally lumbers over to Bakker, whose hands are stuffed deep into his pockets to avoid the pending handshake. The two men stand side-by-side on stage, facing the audience. Jim attempts small talk and asks Kevin how his wife 'Sally' is doing, to which Kevin replies, "Cindy is good, Cindy's good." Jim asks how the kids are doing, to which Kevin replies, "I don't have any kids. Working on it though, hehe [laughs uncomfortably]".

[RE] Okay you two, put a lid on the war stories because we have one more guest ready to walk back into Jim's life. Guest 5, go!

"Jim Bakker is a convicted swindler and cheat. He took millions of dollars from people and used it to pad his own pockets. He's a slimeball and a liar and if he says there will be thunderstorms tomorrow, then I'm packing suntan lotion and flip-flops. He owes a lot of people a lot of money and he should not be trusted with money in any way, shape or form. Frankly speaking, I wouldn't even let the guy wash my car."

'Is it the IRS?' [gasp]

[JB] [eyes widen into saucers, face flushes completely white as Jim shakily whispers to Edwards] Is it the IRS?

[RE] Don't worry Jim, no it's not the IRS. Any other guesses?

[JB] [dry-mouthed and gulping air like a fish, hoarsely replies] No. [Jim looks like he's going to vomit.] No, no more guesses. [Jim dry-heaves through the word 'guesses']

[RE] Alright Jim, well then we've come to the end of the line. Your last guest of the evening, to cap off a long career and an even longer rap-sheet...Ladies and Gentleman, Jesus Christ himself!

'I love this man!'

Jim Bakker begins fake-crying and mouthing a smile. His complexion returns and his mouth instantly lubricates. Jesus begrudgingly floats over to Bakker. Jim hugs him while Jesus' arms remain slack at his sides. As Jim hugs Jesus and fake cries, a camera catches Jim's face. His eyes are wide open and dry while he gasps out the words, "I love this man". Jim pulls away and asks Jesus if he's met Kevin, then turns his back on Jesus and faces toward the audience.

[JB] You know, Jesus tells us in the Bible to 'be prepared'. Are you prepared?