Dr Gary Smalley gives marriage advice, Bakker stays mum on Hahn

'I just made a million dollars last week selling space food!'

We see Jim this morning and it looks like the guy is going to explode. He has a big Cheshire Cat grin on his face and is clenching his fists as he screams out a big welcome to the camera. If we could get a good closeup, I bet we'd see big dollar signs in his eyeballs from the previous week's foodbucket marathon. Recession? What recession?

Jim's wearing a motorcycle jacket that Lori must have ordered from her Macy's catalog. I'm certain that the catalog model looked nothing like Jim. The man Lori saw wearing that jacket was likely tall, dark and handsome, with a clear conscience and no criminal record. Contrast that with the stark reality of Jim Bakker: A short, ugly ex-con who wears shoe lifts and resembles a frog. A sexed-up frog of unknown sexual orientation, who likes to bang church secretaries and hang out in steam rooms with other men. The only thing Jim Bakker would've had in common with that catalog model are his big ol' capped teeth. Well, that and the jacket that they're now both wearing.

Bakker fooling old people into thinking that this is his Star

The show today is about marriage, which explains the jacket. Lori is about 20 years younger than Jim, so she's gotta dress the guy up in something contemporary to pretend to herself that he's a viable man that other women lust for. It's probably the only way Lori can bare to look at the guy without laughing in his face.

Jim starts off the marriage show talking about his big marketing trip to LA to hang with the Winans sisters while they received the star they paid for on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. If we had no audio and had to decipher the trip through the images Jim is flashing on-screen, we would think he's the one who received the star. There's Jim and Lori in front of 'their star' taking a photo. And there's Bakker, on-stage with BeBe Winans at a concert. At every opportunity, Bakker is cramming his ugly mug in with the Winans so he can gain access to their fans while also deceiving his own.

Jim Bakker and the Winans Sisters

 Are the Winans so stupid that they don't realize Jim is trying to legitimize himself by being seen in public with them? Don't they realize that this is the same man who once sold EMF Neutralizer Stickers and Magical Strength Bracelets on his show? The same saleshound who sells Sleep Bands on his website for $50? BeBe and CeCe Winans, you are fools. Or maybe you're in on the racket...After all, BeBe was once arrested for domestic violence and CeCe is an admitted best friend of Mega-Kook Whitney Houston. Sometimes the cleanest-looking people are the ones who secretly don't wipe their ass. With all this public support for the Bakker Snake, I can only assume that if you get close enough to the Winans Sisters, you'll find out that they smell like shit.

Someone gave Gary Smalley an honorary doctorate

Marriage Expert Dr Gary Smalley is one of Bakker's guests today, but he's not really a doctor unless you count honorary degrees as official. I found evidence online suggesting that he's a bit of a pseudo-scientific quack, which may explain why he doesn't have or couldn't get an actual doctorate. Aside from the phony doctorate issue, I can also confirm that the fake Dr Gary Smalley is a salesman extraordinaire. I visited the guy's website and in two seconds was hit with the largest advertising banner I think I've ever seen on the internet. I literally had to lean back from my computer screen to read it. I know the guy wants to make money, but Jesus man you can make things a little less conspicuous?

Moose Bakker and her husband, Mr Bland

The other guests for today are Jim and Lori's fake daughter Maricela and her big-beaked husband, John. Maricela is Jim and Lori's second-fattest daughter, and I think the second-oldest. It seems that these girls get fatter with age, which I suppose is acceptable to an extent provided there is an upper limit to their weight. The problem is that I don't think there's an upper limit. It doesn't appear to me that this moose will ever plateau and level off, she's just getting bigger and bigger with each passing day. Her husband with the big beak can't be happy with this.

Mr Bland's nose is a perfect triangle

Maricela's husband, Mr Bland, is completely unremarkable as a human other then the fact that he has a schnoz shaped like a perfect triangle. If I were mugged by this kid and had to tell the police what he looked like, I'd say that he looked like every other person I've seen in my life, except for that nose. In profile, you can't miss him.

[Detective] "Now sir, I want you to look at each person in the lineup and tell me who robbed you.
[Me] "Can you have them turn sideways please? I need to see them in profile."
[Detective instructs lineup to face left] "Okay sir, do you recogni..."
[Me] "Number three. That's him."

Didn't I just eat her for Thanksgiving?

Jim asks the newlyweds if they've had any fights since they've been married. They have. What could they possibly fight about in such a short amount of time, if not Moose's weight? Did she stink up the toilet without spraying? Maybe they brushed shoulders while walking past each other in the kitchen and Mr Bland took offense? The guy must be on edge 24/7 with all that extra beef in the house. Imagine how suffocating it must be to share air with that blimp?

The growing problem in this marriage is self-evident. It's Maricela's weight. I wonder if marriage expert fake Dr Gary Smalley will touch on this today?

Gary...is that you?

Now it's time for Gary Smalley to get on the mic. This guy reminds me an awful lot of the space-faring cult leader, Marshall Applewhite. Remember the guy that wanted to hitch a ride on a spaceship he thought was flying behind the Hale-Bopp comet? Perhaps Mr Applewhite actually did make contact with the spacecraft, then flew back in time and came back to earth as Gary Smalley?

Gary Smalley describing alien worlds

Dr Smalley has a habit of looking up into his brain while he's speaking on-camera. As a client, it must be a bit disconcerting as it makes you wonder if he really knows what he's talking about or if he's making it up as he goes along. Lucky for him Dr Smalley doesn't have to wing it, as Bakker, Lori, Moose and Mr Bland each have copies of his book open to prompt the fake doctor along as he offers his sage advice. Shouldn't they all have bibles open instead?

It's funny to hear a guy with a fake doctorate give advice on marriage and relationships. He doesn't have a real degree, yet he decides to use the fake title to trick people into thinking he's qualified to counsel them. Shouldn't someone be counseling him on his need to deceive people through the use of fake titles?

[Fake Dr Gary Smalley] "So Ron, let's talk about you."
[Me] "No, Gary...Let's talk about you."

A bloated Bakker Zombie imagines what marriage is like

Bakker tells us that Mr Bland is the perfect husband for his daughter. Wait, but isn't Jim's real daughter Tammy Sue? Maricela is not Jim's daughter, she's just the girl that Jim claims to have adopted and now exploits to sell product. Case in point: This show. These poor kids never had a chance. Think of how bizarre it must be for them to live with their adoptive Mommy and Daddy, a wombless former crackhead and an ex-con who rips off old ladies for a living. Want to head to the mall with your friends today? Nope, Mommy Lori needs you on the show so she can exploit you while you sell her garbage. Meanwhile, bright-and-shiny teenager Ricky is being given orders by Papa Jim, a 71 year-old man who wears motorcycle jacket and 'I CARE' caps. Remember when Old Man Bakker had Ricky coloring in foodbucket sales-thermometers for the show? Don't you think Ricky would rather be tossing a football around? Sorry Ricky, sorry girls. You do not exist in this life to serve yourselves...you exist to serve Jim and Lori.

Jim Bakker's cheatin' heart: 'They never let go of it!'

Speaking of Tammy Sue, Jim gets in a little jibe towards her mother, Tammy Faye. That's the woman with whom Jim built his PTL empire. That's the woman who gave birth to Jim's actual children. She's the ex-wife, now deceased, that Jim never, ever mentions by name. Today, Jim insults her.

"I know marriages that are hellish. And a man has made a mistake, 50 years ago, 20 years ago, 10 years ago. And every argument, she brings up, 'You cheated on me with that woman!' or you did this back there, and they never let go of it! And it is poison isn't it doctor?"

Hey Bakker, remember this one?

Jim's talking about Jessica Hahn. He cheated on Tammy Faye with his church secretary, then paid her a couple hundred thousand dollars of ministry money to keep quiet. He's rumored to have cheated on her with other women as well, and possibly men. Yet in Jim Bakker's ego-driven la-la-land, he believes that he did nothing wrong. That's plain to see in the way he formed this question. You did very wrong Jim. First and foremost, you cheated on your wife. Secondly, the woman you cheated with was your impressionable young subordinate. Then you took money donated to you for ministry purposes and you paid her with it.

An eager Bakker Zombie, awaiting orders from her master

You didn't learn then, and you aren't learning now. You're turning the tables, making your ex-wife the bad person in this retelling of a well-known tale. By the same narcissistic reasoning, you don't think you're doing anything wrong today by taking peoples' money through fear-mongering and scare tactics. And when you go to prison again, you still won't accept responsibility for your immoral actions. When your cellmate orders you to 'assume the position', you'll scream out like a hysterical woman, 'Why are they doing this to me!!??' You're doing it to yourself, Jim. Go be a real preacher. Get a real job. Stop conning people out of their money. Otherwise, take it like a man.

Gary Smalley spots a bird up in the rafters

Dr Comet is holding a grape in his hand and comparing it to a pumpkin to illustrate the difference between men and women's emotions. Honestly, I'm not able to follow the guy very well because he keeps looking up into his brain. Has one of Sasha's birds gotten loose inside Morningside, and Smalley is trying to avoid being hit by poop? Has mega-turd Larry Bates been spotted with a jetpack strapped to his back, hovering around up near the ceiling looking for corn? Or maybe Smalley is looking up to the heavens for spaceships and comets like his previous human incarnation, Marshall Applewhite? Talk to me Doctor, please tell me what you see? Quick Jim, give him one of your tinfoil hats so he can try and make contact!

Lori Graham Bakker: 'SCREEEEEEECH!'

So now Lori says that every time she receives a wedding invitation, she sends people a copy of some guy named Mark Gungor's comedy dvd. Considering that Jim and Lori were recently promoting legendary comedian Yackov Smirnoff's show in Branson, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say Mark Gungor probably isn't that funny. Regardless, the point here is that Lori tells us that she sends this guy's dvd to newlyweds, which one would assume means 'free'. Two minutes later, Jim and Lori are introducing the Couples Special Offer: Gungor's dvd plus a copy of Smalley's book, all for the low price of $100, plus shipping. That's a lot of Rubles, eh Yackoff? What a country!

Yakov Smirnoff: Still not funny

Jim is hawking Smalley's book for $20. Lori's giving the dvd away for free to newlyweds. How do we get to $100 from there? Even online, Smalley's book is twelve bucks and Dungor's side-splitting comedy dvd is a whopping thirty-eight dollars. That's not even wholesale, that's with Amazon's markup. Holy crap, Bakker's marking this stuff up 100%!  Mr Smirnoff, please reserve two seats in the VIP section for one Mr and Mrs Jim Bakker.

Looks like I jumped the gun on the Couples Special, because now Jim's adding in all the extra stuff he's trying to get rid of: A Bible, a Lori Locket, Jesus Dogtags, and a Kevin Shorey cd. Ooooh, I think an inbred's holiday shopping is already done!

Jim and Lori faking it for the camera

Jim's getting a little disgusting with Lori. Twice now he's gone in to put his arm around her shoulder or hold her hand while speaking in a googly voice. It's very unnatural. It would look more Bakker-esque if Jim offered Lori some money first before making his move. It'd be more natural for Lori too.

We hear a little bit more from the odd-couple, Moose and Mr Bland. Moose tells us that she's issued orders to her husband: Every Friday night, they'll be heading to a coffee house to read a book together. Wow, fun. How exactly does a person share a book with another? Are they reading comic books? I'd love to see how this works:

[Moose] "Hey turn the page, I'm done."
[Mr Bland] "Hold on, I still have a couple paragraphs left. And can you stop talking please, I can't read when you're talking to me."
[Moose folds arms, places head on Mr Bland's shoulder]
[Mr Bland, perturbed] "Okay honey...now you're breathing on me."

Smalley/Applewhite working the controls of his spaceship

This whole 'reading together' plan that the Moose concocted seems like a recipe for disaster. Gary Smalley, marriage expert, doesn't sign off on the idea either. He just stares at her and dreams about space travel.

Bakker pinching Lori's knee to shut her up

Lori starts talking to Dr Applewhite a split-second after Jim starts talking to him as well. We all know who will win this race. Jim reaches in for a pinch on Lori's knee to get her attention. In slow-motion you can actually see his fingers come together for the pinch. For good measure, he raises his arm up and bumps her hand in case she doesn't register pain. Look at that, Jim wins again. If Jim were running a marathon, he would come up behind each runner and kick their heels to make them trip. If he were racing cars, he would slyly run the other guy off the road in order to eliminate the competition. Jim Bakker, saboteur.

I smell funnel cake in Zach's future

I'm really beginning to dislike Zach. He's adopted a pompous attitude after taking over Kevin's spot as resident fat man. As has been noted, when he announces himself he also thumbs his chest as if to say, "I'm Zach Drew, and you're not." Bakker goes to him mid-show to clarify the dates for a marriage conference, and there's Zach with that look on his face again. Hey Zach, I hope you like carnivals, because that's where you'll be barking out information after Jim cans you for the next fat kid that'll work for peanuts. Thankfully, Kevin is there to sell his cds and is occupying Zach's swivel chair. Zach is seated right next to Kevin, but his chair is non-swivel and looks uncomfortable. I'd love to see Kevin make a joke with his thumbs, "I'm Kevin Shorey, and this is Zach's chair that I'm sitting in." Then I wanna see Kevin ease up on one side and let one rip. Take that, Zach!

Smalley illustrates the size of Lori's brain

Jim and Lori enter into an extremely heavy sales pitch. Aside from books, Bakker's selling a Jack-Knife multi-tool, the lame ParaCord bracelet that Jim tells us is "for rescuing people", the cheap plastic squeeze flashlight, stainless steel water bottles, the list goes on and on. Dr Gary Smalley signs away what little remains of his integrity by getting in on the action, remarking that he uses the stainless steel water bottles on every trip he goes on. And do you buy them from Jim for double the price, Mr Smalley? Of course you don't, because you know it's a rip off. But you have no problem helping Jim sell them, as long as you can sell your book too. Get it while the gettin's good!

An inbred wearing a lovely mink hat

Big Kevin's up to bat. He's selling a Christmas cd with all the trimmings. Hits include:

-I Will Not Be Silent About That Silent Night
(instead I'll write a shitty song about it)

-Let's Put Christ Back Into Christmas
(my personal favorite)
-Jesus Is The Gift That Keeps On Forgiving
(Ain't that the truth, Jim?)

-My Gift Of Worship
(your gift of money)

-The Perfect Plan
(scare 'em, sell 'em, pay no taxes)

-Florida Christmas
(Beaches, Botox and Bimbos named Bakker)

Before singing, Kevin has to take care of inbred birthday duty. Elizabeth is our first inbred birthday, and she's wearing a beautiful white mink hat. Oh wait, no, that's a wig. She's given a pair of tickets to go see the one and only Jackoff Smirnoff.

Does this old bag know she has a raccoon on her head?

Next we have a couple inbreds who made the trip down from Canadia. For some reason, Jim is big with Canada's inbred population. Maybe they don't know about his prison days? It looks like a shaved raccoon has taken up residence on top of this woman's head. Her prize for having such bad hair is a couple tickets to go see Jackoff, live in concert. Does Smirnoff actually sell any tickets or are they all comps? I mean, the guy's act was only mildly popular twenty years ago...is he still getting mileage out of his tired old Commie jokes?

Kevin's suspenders hoist up his parachute pants

It's showtime for Kevin. I've never given it any thought, but I'm pretty sure Kevin wears suspenders. I see his pants and they're heavily bunched in the area that suspenders would latch on to. It also makes sense, since I don't imagine they make belts that large. What would that be, a 72" belt? His pants might actually be made of the same parachute material as Jim's ParaCord bracelets. Zach did tell us that the bracelet was rated for 360lbs, and that's Kevin at a guess.

Kevin, his parachute pants safely suspended, grunts out his song, then Jim and Lori fawn all over him afterwards. Jim exclaims, 'That should be a classic!" Something's up, they never give Kevin this much credit.

Shorey signed a record deal with Jim...bad move, Kevin.

Indeed, something is up. Bakker informs us that this is the first album on Bakker's new record label. Kevin, have you lost your friggin' mind? You of all people must know that Jim Bakker is going to positively rape you in that deal. Why would you enter a business relationship with Jim Bakker and give him the upper hand? The guy still owes the IRS millions of dollars for god's sake. Holy macaroni, this is not good. Did you at least run Jim's offer past Yakov first to see if he could match it?

"SCREEEEECH!"

The show devolves completely from this point on. I fast-forward as Jim rambles stupidly. I mute as Lori screetches out a cackling laugh. Moose spouts some words out of her blowhole as Mr Bland smiles and wonders what thin women are like. The fake Dr Gary Smalley stares up at the ceiling and gives his unqualified scientific insight into the difference between men and women's brains. People pay to listen to this guy?