Jim Bakker celebrates 2,000th show with Idol Worship - part one

Hans Bakker: "Guten Tag! Today ve vill vorship mein idol!"

It's already the first of February, yet all this week Jim Bakker was still teasing us right along with his scary words for 2012. Hey Jim, when God made you his official SpokesFrog in charge of disaster communications to the earth, did he tell you to give us this important information in time-release format? As God's Frog-In-Chief, why aren't you telling us all of the information at once, without sales pitches and commercials during your broadcast that stretch the message out for weeks?

I think Jim's special message has finally come to an end though. Because today, something different is happening on the Jim Bakker Show. The show intro has been changed up a lot, an indication to the viewer that this will be a hallmark show. We see decade-old clips of Jim's first return from prison to TV. Zombies from the past are shown clapping in a bar-type setting, smiles plastered on their faces as their eyes stare mesmerized by their Master. Today may very well be the day that all the Bakker zombies drink Jim Bakker's special Kool-Aid and ride off to space in a rocketship. Now we're being shown clips of a younger, more playful Jim Bakker having a toupee stuffed on top of his head circa 2004 or so. The toupee makes Jim look like a gay German mental patient.

Bakker's zombies prepare for Kool-Aid and space flight

Something big is happening, and in the next few minutes I fear we're going to find out just what that something is. The good news is that I haven't heard anything about Morningside in the news. The bad news though, is that I haven't heard anything about Morningside in the news...

Yikes, now the intro returns to modern day and there's class-clown Shorey staring us right in our eyeballs as if he were a hog eyeing a feedin' trough full of slop. That sort of direct eye-contact is not something a person's used to experiencing bright and early when the show airs. Next we have Zach thumbing himself and pointing to the band. Okay, there's balloons on the set so I think everything is going to be safe. I also just figured out what the big deal is today: Jim's gargoyle is being given life.

Kevin Shorey just heard the dinner bell ring

Jim Bakker's Golden Calf, the enormous idol which he calls 'the most beautiful statue of Jesus in the world', arrived a couple weeks ago in Bakker Show time. It weighs twelve tons, rises fifteen-feet from the ground, and it curses God. Jim Bakker bought it for $35,000. Scratch that: Jim Bakker's zombies bought it for $35,000. It was built overseas, probably through the blood, sweat and tears of some exploited third-world slave-workers, and likely shipped in by boat since I think it's too big to safely fit in an aircraft. Frankly, I don't even know how the thing got through customs.

Today, it rises.

Old Man Bakker bearing down hard to get the words out

To cap off the show intro, we see clips of the crated statue being brought in to Morningside by forklift. Then the show opens up to Jim and Lori for their big greeting of 'Hello Suckers!'. Lori's dressed in all-red today like a whore in Vegas, while Jim's wearing a light gray wool coat with an obnoxious hood attached. The darker color of the hood catches your eyes and steals your attention away from everything else...It almost looks like Jim's wearing a cape.

Jim's all giddy today, rocking his head back and forth and clapping aggressively. He tells us that this is the 2,000^th episode of the Jim Bakker Show, and he emphasizes the 'th' so heavily that he almost has to double himself over to gut it out. Jim is really energetic up there...has he been dipping into Lori's stash?

Jim's fake Jesus, with back turned to outside world

Aside from this being the 2,000^th episode (which like most of Jim's claims, I don't believe), Jim also tells us that “This is the day that....we have finally brought Jesus into this ministry.” He's referring, in jest, to the statue. Jim goes on to tell us that we “saw Jesus being brought in by crate” at the show opening. But Pastor Bakker, that's not Jesus? That's an idol you purchased to use as an attraction for inbreds worldwide, so that they may arrive at your strange village to adore it and possibly buy a condo. Why are you personifying it?

Jim introduces us to the statue since it's already been installed. I find it fitting that the statue is turned towards Jim Bakker on-stage, with its back turned to the entrance doors. That's because the most important person in this room is not Jesus, it's Jim Bakker. Would Jesus turn his back on the people outside those doors, Jim?

Even the statue looks ashamed to be part of this freak show

We see a closeup of what Jim claims to be the face of Jesus. Statue or not, it looks embarrassed to be there. Its eyes are cast downward in shame. Imagine the life this statue will live, the weird people who will gaze at it? How many filthy, disgusting zombies will paw and touch it affectionately? Before the show ends, at least one will.

Jim tells us excitedly that he's going to roll pre-recorded footage of the statue from conception to delivery. These must be the kind of film-editing projects they work on in Master's Media, taking Jim's bonehead ideas and turning them into bonehead reality. Right before the Master's Media film project rolls, a single Ozark hoot rings out loudly from the crowd. The inbreds are excited too.

That evil gargoyle really did a number on Jim.

The Master's Media show begins. With soft background music playing in the background, we're shown video of a beardless Jim in 2011 speaking about meeting the statue in an unnamed and probably nonexistent 'domed cathedral-type place'. He claims that he was spellbound by it, so spellbound that he decided to order one for himself. I guess when you're writing checks funded with other peoples' money, there's no need to sit back and ask yourself, “Is this something I really need?”

Flash-forward to 10-months later. A military march plays in the background, I think Generalissimo Bakker and his Zombie Army are on the move. We see a small crane backing up in the parking lot of Morningside. A forklift drives up to a shipping container containing Jim's gargoyle.

Jim was a real Nervous Nellie when the statue arrived

Jim's in an anxious mood, waiting like a nervous mother for the statue to be unloaded. He tells us that Jesus' hands and his flowing garments are very big and carved from marble. It's obvious to the viewer that Jim has an emotional attachment to this statue. It's also obvious to the viewer that Jim spent a lot of time dreaming of ways to milk this statue for everything it's worth; after all, that's why a camera crew is there to cover the gargoyle's every evil move.

Jim consistently refers to his statue as 'Jesus'. He is personifying the idol. If this were 500 years ago, townspeople with torches would be at the gates of Castle Morningside, accusing Bakker of being a witch and demanding his head. Does Jim not know the Commandment prohibiting him from making a false idol?

[Old Town Mayor, deep southern drawl] “You all remember that Jim Bakker boy? One that likes to play with puppets?

[Old Town Police Chief, slow southern drawl] “Little runty one right? Yeah I know 'em, my daddy always thought he was queer the way he'd stare those squinty frog eyes at people. He's a weird one alright.”

[Old Town Mayor] “Yeah well I hear he made himself some demonic oriental statue for himself up there at that cult church 'a his.”

[Old Town Police Chief] “Oh is that right?”

[Old Town Mayor] “That's right. Hey, what say we gather up a few boys and pay ole' Jimmy Boy a visit and see what this statue's all about? Your squad car got gas in it don't it?

[Old Town Police Chief, grabbing car keys] “Nope, but we'll just stop by at the filler station on the way. We can grab a six-pack for the road too!”

[At Coroner's Office] "Hello. I've come to identify a body."

An on-screen graphic tells us that the statue took 7 hours to unload, about the same amount of time it takes to disembark circus animals from a train. In its crate sits Jim's baby, the statue of Anti-Jesus. It's being transported in a huge wooden crate, but I think Jim missed his opportunity for what would have been a very cool way to introduce his carved beast to the world: Sarcophagus. We see a closeup of the statue lying soul-less in a bag like a body at a morgue, then a hand reaches into the crate and removes the bag from the face like a coroner asking, 'Is this your statue?' R-e-a-l classy production by the Master's Media team here.

Japanese whalers haul in their prize of meat and blubber

We see the statue being hauled in through the entrance doors. They look like Japanese whalers, hooking in their most recent prize poach. You landed a big one boys! Jim walks us past the steel reinforcement he had to build to adequately support the beast's weight. Jim seems like the kind of person who says, 'Space? Don't worry about space, we'll figure out how to make room for it later.' He moves to where the prayer benches are being installed. He's installing them in a circle around the idol so that people can have something to fix their gaze on while praying.

Again Jim tells us that he spotted this thing in a cathedral somewhere. He said that when he first saw it, he literally fell back on the bench and couldn't stop staring at it, in his words he “simply didn't want to leave”. But leave he did, with the manufacturer's business card and a plan to build his very own Christ statue.

Bakker and Idol share a tender moment together

Jim is reaching into the cage to pet his beast. He takes both of his hands and caresses a couple of the gargoyle's clawed fingers. In another clip, Jim Bakker reaches his hand inside the cage like a mischievous little boy to compare his hand to the size of the beast's paw. Isn't this what big-game hunters do after they bag a big grizzly?

Jim says he “can't get enough of seeing him.” He giggles when he talks about the size of the beast's hands. Now we get Jim caressing the hand's crucifixion holes, trying to stick his fingers through them. What the hell is this guy doing? If Jim was caught doing this in public he'd be arrested for lewdness, among other things.

[Museum Guard] “We need extra security to the Pagan sculpture exhibit.”

[Museum Dispatch] “Why, what's up?”

[Museum Guard] “Some weirdo is in here making love to a statue.”

Jim Bakker looking for the statue's sweet spot

Jim seems to really get off on inspecting this statue. If the thing were dressed in real cloth garments, I guarantee he'd be checking under the skirt. I bet he doesn't even give Lori this kind of attention. Isn't there a law on the books in Missouri prohibiting this sort of behavior with statues? And if there isn't, can someone please create one?

Bakker interviews a worker zombie to get his thoughts on the idol:

“Yes, very excited to finally get Jesus in the building. There's nothing like it just to see him. Cause it just really touches your heart.”

Gargoyle: 'Get me the hell outta here!'

Must I remind you, once again, that what you are looking at isn't Jesus? It's a lifeless chunk of marble that's been chipped and scrubbed into human form, except that humans are not 15-feet tall. Did the bible speak of Jesus being a giant?

Jim tells us that anyone who gave, or gives, $1,000 to Lori's House will get to have their name engraved at the base of the statue. Good, that should make things convenient for St Peter when he consults his list of known idolators.

Jim cracks a joke with a couple of his worker zombies. He's telling them how we're going to “lift Jesus up”, then jokes that this is biblical while making a lifting motion with his hand. No Jim, that's not biblical. Why would mortal, imperfect man be lifting Jesus up when He is quite capable of doing so Himself? Or were you referring to the biblical relevance of a dead stone idol being lifted up for worship? Oooh, and what happens next in that story Pastor Bakker?

Gargoyle: 'Holy shit, where are my pants!?'

The music picks up to a bit of a boogie, which means now it's time to start setting this bad boy up for service to the inbred masses. The crate top is cut off with an electric saw and walked away by a couple 'breds. Now the sides have been removed too, and we're left staring at the statue which is stuck in a position quite unbecoming for something meant to be revered. The statue is trapped in a pose that looks like it just woke up and realized it was in some stranger's bed.

JB: 'I'll drive a crane into the place if I have to!'

Here's Jim Bakker with his 15-ft statue of Jesus Christ, photographing the thing lying on its back with limbs splayed out like a turtle. Does the guy have any understanding of common decency and respect for this object of adoration and worship he created? What compromising position will the statue find itself in next, Jim? How about hanging it upside down by its feet? Or maybe you can hoist yourself up and onto its shoulders for a ride?

They've brought a crane into the building to raise the beast. Mondo tells Jim that they had to remove all of the framing for the doors in order to get the crane into the building. Like I said, Jim doesn't worry about size. He'd remove the entire roof of Morningside if it was necessary to get his statue indoors and inbred-ready. Morningside is fast becoming their Mecca. The crane gets set up and places the pedestal in place. All these guys are busy with the statue as Jim checks out their work and probably their asses too.

"Horse rescued from swollen river, footage at 11!"

The music slows down into a tender piano-noted tune as we see the statue harnessed with nylon straps for lifting. Could the Jesus statue have been raised in any less dignified a manner than this? It looks like these guys are preparing to lift a lost horse that's gotten itself stuck in a fast-moving river. They've even placed a towel over its face to keep it from spooking off. As the worker zombies take away the wood from the crate, Jim tells us that they're going to take the wood off to be reworked into an altar or something else holy. Maybe Jim will sacrifice a zombie on the altar one day as a testament of devotion to this bizarre idol.

Could this be any less dignified?

The music has become inspirational as the statue is suspended in mid-air. It's like they're raising the Titanic. Workers heave on chains to begin slowly tipping Godzilla upright. In my mind, I'm screaming “Fall! Fall and smash into a million pieces!”. Slowly it rises, but then a cable slips! The camera cuts to Jim who makes a gasping noise, then the video fades out with a heartbeat noise and a graphic stating “We'll Be Right Back After This Special Message”. I shit you not, this is what's happening right now. I think the Master's Media kids have been watching too many David Blaine magic shows.

Continue reading part two of Jim Bakker celebrates 2,000th show with Idol Worship.