Creepathon Day 6, Bakker fake cries

Jailbird Jim Bakker revving up his fake crying routine

Day 6 of the Philip Cameron Creepathon. I'm getting burned out now on Cameron, I think this is the next to last episode with him so thankfully he'll be off the Bakker show and back in Moldova soon...provided his passport hasn't been revoked with the stamp, "Sex Tourist".

Lori with morning-after bag

Kevin Shorey announcing again, Jim must have offered him some of this lucrative Stella's House / Lori's House money to come back for a few days. Everyone is upwardly mobile today, no chairs. Philip Cameron is all smiles, Lori is wearing a hip purse full of morning-after pills, and Jailbird Jim is wearing a hideous olive drab sweater with prison stripes. There's a quick verbal exchange of hellos, the audience applauds, then I notice that Bakker is acting strange. This is how he acts whenever he's building up to a fake cry. He turns slowly towards Cameron and begins, "Ya know....Philip...I'm gonna cry." When he says 'Philip', he says it with a sort of lilting accent as the name comes very quick off his forked tongue.

Philip Cameron - Big load

Jim continues building to the climax of his fake cry. He's grunting and revolving his fists in a circle like a 70s dance move. He composes himself enough to grab a check off the table next to him. Bakker gives a bullshit story about telling his accountant to make a check for $100,000 to give to Philip Cameron, with the accountant telling Bakker that there isn't enough money for the check. God instructs Jim to get the check anyways, 'do it ahead of time'. I see where this is going now...Bakker is going to guilt everyone into giving him money to backfill what he's already given to Cameron. I'll be damned if the guy isn't good.

Bakker fake crying - "You can order the car---pen----ters!"

Bakker announces the check, everyone cheers, and Cameron acts surprised the same way I would act surprised if Jim Bakker told me backstage, "Hey, we're surprising you with that check on camera so act surprised." Jim is finally ready to let loose with that fake crying he was building to, but he's interrupted by Cameron and Lori who keep talking on stage. Jim has to repeat the beginning of his cry line three times, nudging Lori to get her back on track. The fake cry hits it's peak when Jim tells Philip, "You can order the carpenters." The word 'carpenters' comes out in a noise that sounds like an old truck engine trying to turn over. As Cameron takes the baton from Bakker and starts speaking, Bakker barks an off-camera 'Now!' at him. All the while, those big black Bakker eyes are dry as a bone.

Now Boner Cameron is fake praying to the Lord over his $100k check. As he's speaking to God, Cameron slips in some peculiar references known only to Jim Bakker Show viewers:

Those who are part of the $1000 'I Care' family

Those who are giving Ezekiel Gifts of $10,000

That one person who can give the $350k for the next Stella's House

Philip Cameron fake praying to God

Why does Philip Cameron mention these Bakker-specific gifts? Because, in a word, he's a turd. Philip Cameron wants money to feed that big fat belly of his, then he'll give the scraps to his girls in Moldova. For less than a week's worth of Jim Bakker Show appearances, he just received a check for one hundred-thousand dollars...does the guy really need more?

Cameron firmly clenching $100k check with other hand

Back to Bakker. He's sniffling and talks about having to use a credit card to pay the bills eight years ago when he was penniless (who in their right mind gave Jim Bakker a line of credit?) Jim says it's a miracle that he was able to give Cameron the check. When we see Philip Cameron speaking on-camera again he's only waving one hand around as he speaks; the other hand is glued firmly to his side, clenching that check in case Bakker has second thoughts. Cameron praises Jim Bakker and tells us that Jim also does good works away from the camera. We then see a photo, taken by a camera, of sad-sack Bakker with his little carrot arms touching his grandson's forehead.

Bakker to grandson - "One day you too will be a sad-sack."

Bakker asks for a thousand people to give $1,000 today. The ambitious flavor of the request tells me that Jim is not penniless anymore, I wonder how much he pinches out of those checks. Cameron gives more details about the Moldovan sex-slave industry while he white-knuckles the pocketed $100k check. He starts to build up a little bit about the girls, his voice is getting stronger and building pitch. He speaks about mixed-race girls and states, "I've met some beautiful girls. They are premium for traffickers." We see images of the girls with a caption stating that they would make '$350k for their owners'. They may as well add another caption that says, "So why not give us the $350k instead?"

Slavemaster Jerry Crawford tabulating all the love-gifts

Jim has a Moldovan gov't document in his bony hands. He tries to explain what the hell the thing means but seems tongue-tied, so he brings in a couple of Cameron's Moldovan escorts to translate which only makes things more confusing for the audience. Cameron steps in and says something about the government giving him 25 year ownership rights or something, then tells Jim that he demanded one condition before starting Stella's House - That it be a Christian orphanage in the middle of communist Moldova. Now, call me crazy, but I don't think that's right. If he wants to help orphaned girls, then he should help orphaned girls. Instead he held his girls for ransom; if the Moldovan gov't would have denied his religious preference, he would have left those girls he pretends to care about to rot. He adds that he's growing 'Jesus People' from the age of 3, and we should be excited for the prospect. Again, not right. What ever happened to free will?

Bakker - "Hey Waterhead, zoom in next time I fake cry!"

Jim steps over to a gigantic picture of a baby and starts to fake cry a little more. He talks about saving people from abortion through Lori's House, and moves into a pitch for $1,000 I Care love gifts. He then physically points at one of Cameron's girls on-stage and tells everyone that "She's worth three-hundred fifty-thousand a year in the sex trade". Classy move Jim. More classiness outta Jim when he starts talking about Lori's abortions. He says Lori used to shake in bed at night thinking about her abortions. Sounds to me like she was shaking out a drug addiction, but Jim goes on talking about her abortions and becomes a fake crying wreck.This is killing me because the camera is not zooming in while he's fake crying. Bakker needs to finger wag whatever Master's Commisson oaf is on the camera. Zoom in next time, waterhead [Jim's word not mine].

Jim Bakker wears shoe lifts

As an aside, I remember Jim Bakker saying a couple years ago that he wanted to buy hi-def cameras. That is a love-gift that even I may support. I'm dying to see Jim Bakker in HD, especially when he's fake crying. Also, I noticed that Jim Bakker is wearing lifts on his shoes but the image I took doesn't do them justice because of the poor Jim Bakker Show video feed. I demand HD. Make it happen Jim, and put me down for a foodbucket in support.

Bakker -"The most gorgeous statue of Christ I've ever seen"

Bakker snaps out of his fake crying fit and starts talking statues. He shows a statue of Lenin in Moldova. Lori nearly overheats her brain when she mistakenly corrects Jim off-camera, "Stalin, right?". Then Jim moves to Jesus, or more correctly, a statue of Jesus. It a 12-foot behemoth that Jim says is already paid for, and it's residing smack dab in the middle of Grace Street. Jim calls it 'the most gorgeous statue of Christ I have ever seen', though I would replace the word 'gorgeous' with 'obnoxious'. Bakker, ever the salesmen, tells people that they will get their name on the base of the statue in exchange for their $1,000 love-gift.

"I owe how much to the IRS?"

Jim announces that he's sending Trystan and Zach to Moldova for a photo op. The two big'uns are ecstatic, probably because they get to see a part of the world not named Morningside. They won't be so ecstatic once they see the size of those plane seats.

Lori, Jim and Boner push hard near the end for more donations. The slimy Scotsman in particular pleads for people to give $10,000 to be part of the Ezekiel Club. He then painfully howls out a slow song, 'It Brings Me to Tears'. His voice cracks throughout.