Jim Bakker celebrates 2,000th episode with Idol Worship, part two

This is part two. Click here to read part one of Jim Bakker celebrates 2,000th episode with Idol Worship.

Statue: 'Don't you drop me you assholes!'

A commercial for Lori's House plays. They're asking for a thousand-dollar love gift. This is all pre-produced by the way, it's not live. Lori tells us that Lori's House is about giving mothers a place to live and a place to learn a trade. How in the hell is this going to work? Is Lori going to have pregnant women shipped in from around the country to live at her commune, to be brainwashed and possibly re-impregnated by Jim? This is sounding more and more like Jonestown all the time. The commercial continues with audio of one of Philip Cameron's Moldovan girls crying. Jim is selling us on the Lori's House love gift, telling us that we'll get a Builder's Club card which allows us 24 gifts, but at a max rate of 2 per visit. I love it Jim! People give you $1,000 to build Lori's House, and in return you give them a card for 24 horribly cheap gifts...yet restrict them from getting all their gifts at once. Damn you're good!

A nervous Hedgehog Zombie prays for Jim's statue

The commercial's not over yet. More crying from Philip St Cameron's girls, and now fat Zach is doing a voice over for Jim outlining the different methods of payment available. You can donate through the Morningside phone number, you can donate through the website, or you can write a letter. That's right, even if you're so poor that you can't afford a telephone or computer, Jim Bakker is happy to take your money. Just send him a check and he'll cash it, easy as pie. Don't even bother writing your own, just endorse your social security checks on over to Jim. What a nice man that Pastor Bakker!

Is Grandma Maxine being exploited by Jim Bakker?

Commercial is over and we're back to suspense after the cable slip. Everything is fine of course, but Jim's students are learning how to deceive the audience with crafty editing and background music. We see a couple nervous zombies in the crowd, biting their lips and holding their hands together in prayer while the statue hangs in mid-air. As the cable slip is replayed from a different angle, Grandma Maxine is shown with a look on her face as if she just crapped herself.

Jailbird Jim and Mondo the Illiterate are discussing the beauty of the statue and describing the way the cable slipped. Where the cable earlier lay across the statue's collar, it has now pulled all the way up and looks like a hangman's noose around the beast's neck.

Jim's gargoyle being hung at the gallows

I'm confused: Was this particular Jesus crucified, or was it lynched, Pastor Bakker? Perhaps Jim can write a new book for the bible that includes his very own idol, the Anti Jesus, being hung at the gallows for our sins?

Jim Bakker reading from his self-authored Bakker Bible.

[Jim Bakker] "Turn with me if you will now to the Book of Mondo, chapter 10 verse 33.

 Jim's voice rises to a shout:

[JB] "And they will condemn Him to death and deliver Him to the Gentiles, to be hung by the neck until which time that his natural life does expire, God rest his soul".

I'm waiting for this sucker's head to be yanked off by the cable. What would Jim do I wonder? I think we can all safely say that all bets are on the table if that were to happen. I personally imagine Jim prostrating himself on the ground and weeping loudly.

"You have hereby been sentenced to death by hanging..."

They've adjusted the cable and now everything is safe. Kevin, Charlene the Stinkbug, Lori and Zach all talk about how beautiful the statue is, and we see Grandma Maxine wiping tears from her eyes with a tissue. as the statue touches down. In studio, 'Hallelujah' plays over the sound system as the zombies applaud. Grandma Maxine continues wiping tears away. She's probably the biggest donor for this statue effort, something she would likely be told to 'keep secret between the two of us so that people don't get the wrong idea'. Grandma Moneybags is seated up front in the VIP section and is completely cocooned in a blanket. Since the lifting operation required the crane, the doors are still off the building so it's probably about 20 degrees inside Morningside. The old bags are freezing to death in there. Every time we see Moneybags, she's squirming around inside her cotton cocoon like a butterfly preparing to break free. Maybe she's rubbing her hands and arms together to make heat?

Classy Jim, real classy

Uh oh, looks like there was a problem placing the statue on the floor the first time. Jim's talking to another worker zombie about how to fix the tilt on the thing. Apparently it can't be fixed, because the original designer of Morningside was either cross-eyed or stupid and didn't make the walls even, which means that Morningside is irregularly-shaped. According to Jim, there's no 'center of things'. Jim decides that the best move is to have the idol centered on the fake steeple and chapel facade that he has plastered on the wall.

A near-frozen Grandma Maxine cries tears of icicles

Jim said the statue is valued at a 'quarter million dollars', but he picked it up on the cheap for $35,000. Then he said that all the people who donated, 'with their names there' on the base, gave on average only five dollars. You already showed us the plaque, Jim, and there definitely was not seven thousand names on it. Are you lying just a little bit there, Pastor? Just a small one, to get people who can't afford the big donations to chip in just a little bit today? Hey, what they don't know won't hurt them... isn't that right Pastor?

Jim Bakker and his cast of villains

For the video piece's finale, we get a music video. How Great Thou Art plays while the camera fades in and out on the statue from different angles, sorta like you see with nice floats at the Rose Parade. As the song crescendos to its peak, we see a closeup of Grandma Maxine crying to really drive home the point that she was likely the biggest donor for this statue, then a wide shot of Jim Bakker and his goon squad standing together clapping in slow motion. They're assembled like villains in a movie. Two ex-cons, a pair of fat guys and a couple'a whores. Kevin's superpower is binge eating, while Lori has the power to abort her own babies at any time or place. Skeeter Graham can fly and clack Morse Code with her teeth. Mondo has the ability to escape from any prison and Zach has dual sex organs that allow him to impregnate himself and give birth to more Zachs. And the evil boss at the center, Jim Bakker, has the dangerous power of mind control. Anyone of low intelligence is completely overcome by his powers and immediately gives him what he wants. And as we can see, when Jim Bakker wanted a statue, Jim Bakker got a statue.

Jim Bakker petting his Golden Calf

Now Jim calls for prayer to his carved idol. He and his goons assemble around the base of the gargoyle and lay hands on it. Inbreds in the audience stretch their arms out towards it. Jim has one hand on a foot, the other on a leg. Lori moans along with his prayer. Now Jim is patting around on the statue and telling it that “we bind anything that could even possibly be from its trip”. I suggest that you just bind the entire statue Jim, the whole thing is unholy. Jim tells God that he gives the statue to Him. What would God want with your unholy idol, Jim, other than to destroy it and all who worship it?

Jim Bakker speaking to his Golden Calf

Bakker's still reciting his incantation to the idol. He's hunched over like an old sorcerer, and I think it would be really cool if he took his dark hood and pulled it over his head now for effect. He could just make something up to justify it with the zombies, something like, 'This is how they prayed in Jesus' time.' Then he could just shroud his head with the hood to cast his face in shadow. I wonder if Jim's eyes would glow hellfire-red from within the hood? He's still patting around on the gargoyle's feet and sort of rocking back and forth. During his prayer, Jim tells us that the idol is dedicated to God, this “beautiful replica of our Lord and Savior”. Now he looks up towards the face of the idol as he prays to it.

Grandma Maxine braves the bone-chilling indoor weather

During Jim's prayer to the gargoyle, he mentions a few times that its purpose is to draw people to Morningside. He says that God gave him an image of cars backed up on the highway as people drive to see it. I wonder if Jim will place a little donation box near the statue for people to insert their cash and checks? Or maybe a pool surrounding the statue for people to flip coins into? Jim could force a Master's Media kid to don scuba gear and rake the pool bottom every week as part of their important curriculum. Just don't pick a fat one, they'll just float the whole time.

We're now a good five minutes into the evil Wizard's prayer to his idol. Another shot of the zombies with hands outstretched, minus Granny Max who is still completely enveloped in her snuggy cocoon and dabbing tears from her eyes. Maybe the tears are coming from embarrassment as she tries to control herself from shivering and clacking her teeth?

Zombies pray to Bakker's idol as Granny Max hunkers down

Jim wraps up his prayer by looking up at the statue and addressing it directly as 'you'. The background music swells and everyone applauds for the idol. With the idol firmly in place for inbreds to gawk at, the show returns live.

Bakker reads a dispatch from Rick Joyner, who is probably prepping the inbreds for an upcoming Jim Bakker Show appearance for him to sell books. Joyner says the upcoming years will likely be the best years of our lives, and Jim agrees, saying “This could be your best years.” Immediately following, Bakker states that, “I believe things are going to happen that's literally going to bring America to her knees.” You're saying two completely contradictory things here Jim and you can't have it both ways, at least not on my blog.

Joyner: 'My name's Rick, but all my friends call me Goober.'

Can we all agree that 'the best years' would not be spent eating slop out of foodbuckets? And why should we send you money to build Lori's House if America is going to be brought to her knees? Won't there be other far more pressing concerns for us than whatever cockamamie new building project you have slated?

Bakker peddles more fear through Rick Joyner's words. If you've never seen Rick Joyner before, I'll describe him for you. He looks like an idiot that just hunched himself out of a cave and learned how to make fire. I'm convinced of two things: Rick Joyner's brain is the size of a walnut, and Rick Joyner shits his pants at least once a week. Yet, this country bumpkin' makes a lot of money off the inbreds through his use of big words and ambiguous prophecy. He's another one of these guys like Jim Bakker who looks so stupid and pathetic as a man that people refuse to believe that he would rip them off. Our criminals are usually much scarier looking, so when some doofus comes around with a smile, a lame joke and a tic-tac, the inbreds eat it up like biscuits-and-gravy.

Rick Joyner before discovering civilization

Joyner says things like, “Key civilization markers are pointing to this year being one of the great demarcation points in history. Major changes are inevitable.” Big scary words for the 'breds to gulp down, but in reality this goober's not really saying anything of substance. He's just peddling fear like his pal Bakker in order to keep book sales up and speaking engagements booked. And just like Jim, Rick Joyner can never stop selling his scary stories, because to do so would put him right out of business. Isn't that right, Rick? If world peace were declared tomorrow, with all disease and famine obliterated from the earth, Rick Joyner would still be peddling his phony prophecies and doom-speak. It's the only job this pea-brained mountain man knows how to do, and whether it's honest or not is beside the point because Rick Joyner has mouths to feed. And judging by his big belly, it looks like the first bite always goes to himself. Ricky boy, do the world a favor: Go back to your cave, roll your big round boulder back in front of the entrance, and never come out again. If we need to hear from you, we'll knock.

'Alright fellas, time to start milking the statue!'

Time to start milking the statue. With all zombie eyes now firmly fixed on their flickering, rabbit-eared television screens, Jim's back with The Harbinger DVD set for $55 and telling us what a big seller it is. He really crows about how many sales this thing has had. He said the first printing was 200,000 copies, and jokingly brags “And I ordered most of them!” Jim continues stroking his own ego, telling us that he's responsible for bringing this book to the masses. The DVD set, he adds, cannot be purchased anywhere else because it includes tapings from his show. Jim turns to Zach, who has now become his go-to fat guy for any questions on product. Zach gives a quick breakdown of what's in the set in case the people at home are illiterate and can't read the on-screen graphic for themselves. And really, do Bakker's zombies even care what's in the box? Jim could send them a lump of coal and they'd be happy.

Jim staked his ministry on Harbinger DVDs

Jim just turned his sales pitch up, way up. He and Lori both are saying that we absolutely have to read this book. In his words, “I'll stake my ministry, Lori...I'll stake my life. In my lifetime, this is the most important message I've ever delivered on television.” That's interesting, Pastor Bakker, because shouldn't the most important message you've ever delivered on television be the Gospel of Jesus Christ? Are you sure you aren't staking your soul on this claim? He goes even further. “I believe I was born for this moment, to put the Rabbi on television.” So in other words, you're saying that you were born to be a sleazy salesman? A person adept at manipulating people, to cause them to believe that they are so very smart for buying your shitty products? Let's be honest here Jim. Aren't you just doing all of this so that you can cash other peoples' checks and make a living? Can we agree on that, Mr Serpent?

Jim Bakker, grave-robber

Jim must have gotten a killer volume deal on this book. Bakker doesn't dwell on things that aren't making money, and he's announced that he's replaying Rabbi Cahn's shows yet again over the next few weeks. Is he going on another vacation? Whoops, now he has a deal for Two Harbinger DVD sets for $100, a savings of ten bucks over just buying one. Why would you do that, Jim? Why are you charging people more for one than for two? Is that honest? You sir, are a scumbag.

Ooh, and now Jim's spicing it up a bit with thrilling video of an airliner full of people slamming into the World Trade Center. And there's one of the towers, full of people, collapsing. Nice Jim! Hey, you have any video of dead babies or something similarly shocking that can be used to sell your goddamn books?

Jim Bakker profiting off 9/11

The Serpent's forked tongue is tasting the air, seeing how many wicked lies it can spew forth today, how much deception can fill the air before it spontaneously bursts into flame. Bakker refers to things ending this year. “So many calendars end this year” he says, and “So many well-known prophets of generations say this is the end of things this year”. Bakker is trying to scare us. Then the Snake, staring into the camera with its beady, soulless eyes, reassures us that “It's not the end of the world.” In the same venomous breath, the Bakker Snake is telling us that the world is ending this year, and that it is not ending this year. And all this twisting of words is designed for one purpose: to sell product.

Jim Bakker, you are a disgusting, pathetic human being. You are the predator that slimes his way into peoples' confidence, only to then rifle through their wallets when they aren't looking. You cheated on your wife, banged Jessica Hahn, then to cover up your actions you paid her hundreds of thousands of dollars of hush money which was donated to you by well-meaning people. You oversold condos, knowingly and willfully, thinking that people would not catch on. But when they did, your entire scheme came crumbling down, and with it all the money that people gave you in confidence. Where is your private jet now, asshole? Where is the air-conditioned doghouse? Remember when you had two different sets of accounting books, so that you could hide all of your illegal activities from the IRS?

Hey Jim, hide under a desk in prison and see what happens!

During your trial, do you remember when you hid in your lawyer's office, under his desk to be precise, to pretend to be crazy and try and connive your way out of answering for your crimes? But you weren't crazy were you Jim, you knew exactly what you were doing all along. What sort of childish, undignified person concocts a plan to hide from reality under a desk? And when you finally realized that your idiotic plan wasn't going to work, and that you were in fact going to prison, you cried like a little girl for her mommy out of complete, unadulterated fear of what might happen to your manhood. I hope a lot of things happened to it, Jim.

Jim and Zach team up to sell us miniature gargoyles

I hope you wake up every night in a cold sweat, crying and sniveling to Lori or whatever other horrid creature lies next to you in bed. That's because you are an opportunistic rat, a person who takes advantage of those who are incapable of taking care of themselves. You're the kind of greasy subhuman that would cavort with an old lady simply to weasel your name into her will. The kind of animal that would rip the gold teeth off a corpse when nobody's looking. Yes, you were born a runt. Yes, you are physically revolting. But we all face challenges in life Jim, and many people with those same ego handicaps grow into stellar people. But you? You've sold your soul to be a lowly, pathetic foodbucket shark who strikes fear into the hearts of old ladies on a daily basis through lies and deception, with the sole purpose of making money for yourself. How in the world do you sleep at night?

'Our next item up for bid is a fabulous recreation of Christ...'

The sales aren't over yet. Bakker is selling a miniature statue of Jesus for $100, or three can be purchased at a discounted $200. Zach, his ego and waistband growing by the minute, tells us that this is the 'Crazy About Jesus' offer. Maybe change the name to 'Crazy About Money' offer?

Jim turns to a larger 18" statue placed over near Kevin Shorey. He asks Kevin to hoist it up for him. This one costs $1,000 and allows the buyer to have their name engraved at the base of the gigantic gargoyle Jim just erected. Kevin and Lori both look ashamed as they hold up the statue for Jim as he describes it. Good, you should be ashamed. You're ripping off old people by telling them the world is ending and they need to buy your survival food when you both know that simply isn't true. You don't even practice what you preach, in fact you never have. Why are you asking for money to construct buildings? Why are you taking money for cd sales? Don't you know the world's ending? You need foodbuckets!

Shorey sings as the Strangler lurks in the background

Now Kevin's given time to grunt out his Valley Walker song from in front of the Country Bear Jamboree. Kevin is singing from a musical track so the hack musicians in the back have nothing to do but pretend to play their instruments and smile, or not smile if you're Joey, the Morningside Strangler. He's the guitarist in the back who looks like a serial killer, and I think he's a little pissed off that he's playing air guitar right now. Throughout the entire song, he wears a scowl on his face while the overhead lights shine down on his greasy, bald head. It looks like he's scouring the audience for single, unattended men or women...people that nobody would miss if they suddenly disappeared. In front of Joey sits the pencil-necked bass player who actually seems to enjoy playing musical charades with Kevin. He wears a leather vest, an outback hat, and a too-broad smile on his face which screams 'simpleton' to me. Something is up with his eyes. Either one is lazy, both are crossed, or the guy is blind. Mr Bass Player, a word of advice: If Joey beckons you into his van to check out his new 8-track player...run.