|Resident Eunuch Zach|
|The Country Bear Jimboree, minus a drummer|
The camera moves to the audience and shows us the collected gaggle of Bakker Zombies. Holy hell...I think they're stuffed too. Just look at the vacant stares and mindless clapping.
|"Let me clap for you before I insult you, dear."|
|"Der der der, I want to eat Gilbertis, der der der."|
|The Crypt Keeper and Mongrel de la vega|
[Bakker] "Hey Ricky Ricardo, you turn that video game off right now. Don't you speak English ya dumb waterhead?"
[Ricky] "Yeah, umm, I've been meaning to tell you something Jim. I've decided to play video games all day. In fact, I'm going to be playing games all week, all month, and all year. And by the way, my last name isn't 'Ricardo'. That sound good, 'Bakker'?"
"No more shines, Jim."
[Bakker, shouting] "Ricky you turn that off right now, or else!"
[Ricky, standing] "Or else what, Jim? What are you gonna do, old man?"
But, for now at least, Jim still has control over Ricky since he has the dungeon keys and therefore controls Ricky's access to fresh air, sunlight and dry clothes. On the couch, Bakker prompts Ricky, "Say 'Happy Birthday Mom'", and Ricky immediately repeats it. Quite a touching mother-and-fake-son moment.
|Wait wait, don't tell me. Vegan, right?|
Van Kirk says he made a German Chocolate Cake for Lori without milk, without dairy, and without oil. I assume 'dairy' includes eggs, milk and butter. So what did he make it out of, sawdust and cardboard? You can't make a cake without eggs, or at least you can't make a cake anyone would eat without eggs. I'm sure he'd eat it, but then again, I'm sure this guy eats crickets and mealworms too. Gotta get your protein somewhere, right?
|Jim suspiciously eyeing the sawdust cake. It weighs 10 lbs.|
A surprise guest slinks onto the set from the back door. It's Plastic Man himself, Dino Kartsonakis, and he's brought a cake too. Dino announces his cake as being 'sugar-based' and I'll admit that I chuckled at that one. Now we have two cakes competing for Lori's affection: Dino's sugar cake and Van Kirk's sawdust cake. I'm guessing the sawdust cake eventually gets distributed to all the animals in the audience, while sweet-tooth Lori gorges on sugar cake. They'll probably force the sawdust on Kevin, Zach and Sasha too. Jim likes sticking it to his clowns.
|Dino's piano is a total loss...or is it?|
|"I can edit this out", says the Frog|
|Bakker won't be smiling when the IRS comes knockin' again|
Now that we're out of the shady on-camera deal between Bakker and Plastic Man, Jim talks about being in 'the valley' after coming out of prison. He says Kenneth Copeland emptied his bank account to give Jailbird Jim some seed money after flying the coop, which I don't believe. This segues into Jim introducing his 'One Day Only' offers to support Lori's House. Jim is selling eight different junk bundles for $54 bucks each, and he claims that they're available for one day only. Considering that Bakker streams his show online before broadcasting it at a later date, I would say that Jim Bakker is lying. At minimum, these offers are available for two days: once on the internet and once on tv...not counting repeats in the future. Any Bakker Loopys care to respond to that?
|Is Diamond Dino double-dipping on his lost pianos?|
Jim says they've gone into their vaults and warehouses to pick the junk he's selling today, and he says that some of it isn't 'brand new', but they're all things that Lori loves. I'm not sure what he means by this, is he selling used goods? Jim tells us again, this is for "One..Day..Only."
Jim's first item up for sale is a Bible Two-Pack. What kind of wicked ministry is this, selling Bibles on tv at a markup? Would Jesus sell Bibles, Jim?
[Mafioso #1 wiretap] "Hey, you know that guy downstairs, the froggy guy with the color tv and the wife with the big tits?"
[Mafioso #2 wiretap] "The guy that runs the Bakery? Yeah I know him. He's a friggin' schmuck, keeps asking me for if I wanna buy his cheap chink jewelry. I bought one for the wife, turned her skin green."
[Mafioso #1 wiretap] "Yeah yeah, I know. But here's the thing. The guy is knee-deep in Bibles right now."
[Mafioso #2 wiretap] "Whoa whoa. Paulie, how you know something like that?"
[Mafioso #1 wiretap] "Because I'm the guy that got him in deep. This guy told me he'll pay a Cleveland ($1,000) per truck. Says he moves them like candy at a preschool picnic."
[Mafioso #2 wiretap] "No kiddin? What's a truck hold, about 10,000?"
[Mafioso #1 wiretap] "Something like that. So he gets 'em for 10 cents a piece, what do I care?"
[Mafioso #2 wiretap] "Kinda makes you wonder how much he moves them for, don't it?"
"Can you imagine a $70 Bible for $26?" says Jim as he continues pushing the Bibles on us. No, I can't imagine a $70 Bible for $26, Jim. You know what I can imagine though? A Bible for free. How about it, Pastor?
Jim throws it over to Kevin Van Kirk, who is now wearing an apron at a table full of veggies. He's making a salsa which consists of about five chopped veggies all mixed in a bowl. He advises that he likes to add jalapeno to it, and depending on how you hot you want it will determine how much jalapeno you put in. This is one of the stupidest things I've seen/heard on the Bakker Show in a long time. Is that what's in his cookbook? Does he tell us how to pour milk on cereal too? He goes on to inform us that his salsa is also vegan...that might be even stupider than the jalapeno comment. Twenty bucks for his cookbook, plus shipping.
|Sasha whoring herself out for Bakker|
|Diamond Dino cracking his knuckles|
|Do you think Jim has ever choked Lori in anger before?|
|And do you think Lori's ever choked Jim back?|
Heeding the intestinal groans of a rapidly dilating Shorey off-camera, Jim quickly moves to junk bundle #6, so quickly in fact that he forgot junk bundle #5. Up for bid is a six-pack of BioSense Hand Sanitizer Bottles. I'll give him a buck for the whole pack, but Jim's asking for $54. More rushing as Jim tells us Kevin is coming up with his song. I don't know if Kevin is giving the signal off-camera, or maybe his stomach is growling something fierce like a caged tiger. They're all really concerned with getting Shorey out there to sing, immediately.