Lori Bakker Birthday Show Part 2

This is part two. Click here for Lori Bakker's Birthday Show, part 1.

God I hope Lori grows up to look like this

Lori tells Jim that he skipped whatever garbage was being sold as #5, so he backtracks. And guess what garbage he missed? Six copies of Lori's book, 'More Than I Could Ever Ask'. Lori looks a little perturbed by this, which makes me wonder if asshole Bakker did it on purpose. Mondo pipes up on the couch, acting surprised that they're giving so many of the books away in this junk bundle. The Crypt Keeper also weighs in, whistling out some words through her dentures about people needing to give this book to their young daughters for guidance. Well ya know, Grandma Char, I'll pass on your advice. After all, the daughter you raised became a drug-using abortion machine who now rips people off under the guise of religion.

The old Bug's hands look like feet

Jim rushes to junk bundle #7: Six Tiffany-Style Heart bracelets. Again we're reminded that Kevin's gonna sing. If you don't get Shorey out there NOW, it won't be his mouth singing, it'll be his ass. Hurry Jim, please hurry. Grandma Char models the bracelet. Oh my god, her hands are hideous. They're like two masses of colorless-flesh with some fake nails on the end. None of her fingers resemble the other. In fact, they look like feet. In some alternate universe, I think there's a creature with feet just like the Skeeter's hands. And I'll bet that creature's ass looks just like Jim Bakker's face, too.

Anyone with that much cheap jewelry probably talks to birds

Jim asks an off-camera Kevin if he's ready to sing, and we hear a far-too-tiny voice say, "I'm ready." I think Shorey's starting to shut-down on us, concentrating all available energy on bowel control. Jim then heartlessly goes to junk bundle #8, amusingly called "Lori's Grab Bag". In it is a ladies watch, a mens watch, and a hideous Tiffany-Style necklace and bracelet that Sasha models for us. I swear, this jewelry looks like something you'd win from one of those pizza arcade machines where you have to move the claw and drop it down to pick your prize. Maybe Jim will start selling fluorescent green sticky hands in a couple months too, telling all the old zombies that it'll help them access those hard-to-reach boxes of Fiber One. Whoa....maybe Gilbertis is actually a pizza arcade?

Skeeter holds the key to the Crypt

Lori's Grab Bag isn't done yet. It also includes a set of freshwater pearl earrings, 4 Karat 'CZ' earrings which Sasha is also wearing. Call it a hunch, but I think Sasha has a lot of pet birds at her house, wherever that may be. I don't know why, it's just something about her wearing all that cheap jewelry which makes me think she also likes talking to birds. More junk: a key necklace is included in the bag. Wait, or maybe not. Jim tells us that he can substitute anything he wants in the bag if he runs out of items. So if you're heart is set on a key necklace, don't you call up complaining when you get a hand sanitizer spritzer instead.

The Bug's pants hiked up to her nips

 Jim reaches for Ms Feet Hand's key necklace, which naturally would unlock some sort of crypt. She mugs for the camera with a face reminiscent of death. Jim lets go of the key, and we get a closeup of the key resting on Death's chest. Her pants are pulled up to her nipples.

Seychelle Tampon

The last item in Lori's Junk Bag is announced. It's a Seychelle water filter straw that resembles a tampon. Bakker tells us that Lori takes them everywhere, including 'Tijuana-type restaurants'. In a bad bit of scripting, Lori asks Dino what he thinks about the bag. Dino tells us that he's gonna include one of his cds in the bag. It just dawns on me that this guy has completely screwed his face up in order to look like Barry Manilow. No joke, I'm pretty sure that's what his whole thing is. He desperately wants to be Barry Manilow, so he chops up his face to do it. This is craziness.

Dino sold his soul for those Manilow good-looks

We get about 5 minutes of scripture jabbering between Lori, Jim and Mondo, and now we see Kevin sitting on-stage again. I think he 'took care of business' during the scripture talk. When Jim last asked him if he was ready, his tiny voice hailed from out in the audience among the tables. Once Jim started up with Lori's Bag though, Kevin must have decided to beat feet down the hall to the Morningside bathroom. Lucky for him, Zach's been on-stage the entire time. Imagine those two bulls locking horns over the extra-wide handicapped stall?

Kevin teetering to his song

Shorey now looks cool, calm and collected, apparently things went well in the bathroom. It's time for his song, and he's gonna phone this one in right from his chair. Actually, it's Zach's chair now, but Kevin gets it whenever he stops by for a dirty paycheck from Jim. Soft music begins to play. The bass line rides down low and slow...this is probably what Kevin's guts sounded like only minutes ago. Kevin's talking about babies while the music plays, this is going to be a song just for Lori and her House. It begins as most of Kevin Shorey's songs do, like it's written for a child or a stupid adult. "Little bitty baby, hugs for you. Little bitty baby, in your mother's womb."

Kevin had to shit something fierce

But then the song takes a horrible turn. "When now there's warmth and comfort, it'll soon become your tomb." My eyebrows raise, awaiting the second verse. "Little bitty baby, nestled safe inside. But when the poison comes to kill you, there'll be no place to hide. The song goes on and on and on while Kevin teeters side-to-side in the chair. There's no melody, just Kevin rambling on about babies and poison. Except for those first couple lines, nothing rhymes. The song has babies cooing in the background, but then it turns to crying and Kevin admonishes us to "close our eyes and picture them crying." The camera shows a tearful, fat Zombie at a table. The Zombie's upper lip is hanging low on one side, I think it's missing teeth on one side.

Bakker zombie experiencing something akin to sadness

We see Lori sitting next to Kevin as he sings and she appears to be lost in a fog. The song ends and Lori tells us that we need to do something to help these babies. Junk-Bundle Jim, ever the opportunist, tells us that we need to 'put our money where our mouth is'. He hits some baby scripture real quick to cover all the bases on this sales-pitch, then he comes out and tells us that we need to give an offering of $54. He immediately follows that with an exasperated look and the charge that 'We're giving more value back then you're giving." You're not giving shit, Bakker. You're marking stuff up and selling it so you can expand your property and net worth. Oh wait no, that's Charlene Graham's net worth because everything is in her name. Why is that, Jim? You, your fat wife, and all the rest of the phonies on your show have done nothing but take. Take money, take vacations, take more money, take more vacations. You build. Not for God, not for me, and not for the brainless morons in the crowd, but for you. All the crap you build is for one reason: for you to continue making money.

Lori trying to figure out what this resembles

Oh great, now Bakker's grabbing bowls of Van Kirk's disgusting food so he can pretend it's the most delicious thing on earth. Jim asks Van Kirk, "Now what do we have in this bowl here, Kevin?" No no, don't answer that Kev, let me get this:

[Bakker] "What is this, Kevin?"
[Van Kirk] "It's dog shit, Jim. You're eating dog shit. Isn't it delicious?"
[Bakker] "Oh, it's amazing! And you have the recipe for this in your cookbook?"
[Van Kirk] "Yep, it's all in there. Cow shit, cat shit. We even have a creamy bird shit stew, just turn to page 666."
[Bakker, making yummy sounds] "Mmm, sounds great. It has so much flavor, and it's so healthy!"

Jim and Lori trying not to to choke on vegan food

I almost don't even need to waste my time with what they really said, because it's exactly what I said. Jim's eating the Fruit Monkey's taco salad while the Monkey tells us what's in it. Jim asks for 'the dip' and the Monkey doesn't hear it. Jim asks again, but this time he adds a little sales polish to his question, "Did they eat it all up? Did they eat it all up already?" Jim's picking through his bowl, looking for the stuff that isn't dry so he doesn't choke on camera. Lori's sucking down some water through a Seychelle filter straw to wash all that delicious taco salad down into her gut. No wonder they want dip, they need something moist to slide that crap down the pipe.

Bakker spitting food out

Fruits asks the audience if they liked the food, and surprise surprise, they all clap. Another plate comes out to Jim and Lori to eat, and Jim actually spits something out. Shorey gets tapped in to eat. It doesn't look like Kevin is prepared to eat right at this moment, but Jim tells him, "Kevin, come on. Dig in there, come on." He may as well be telling Kevin, 'Shove your big fat face in there for the camera to see, then do something self-deprecating and humiliating so we can all laugh at the fat guy stuffing his face."

Dig in there Kevin!

The Fruit Monkey tells us a little more about the recipes in his vegan book. This guy is probably choking down vitamins by the mouthful every morning to supplement the lack of meat in his diet. We as humans need to eat animal flesh. That doesn't mean we have to gorge on the stuff, but you simply can't function as a normal human without at least some of it. Sorry to break that to you, Fruits.

[Bakker to Fruits] "You'll be working for free today."

Bakker drops a surprise bombshell on the Fruit Monkey: All proceeds of his book will be going to Lori's House. The Monkey does not, I repeat, does not look happy with this. His eyes shoot daggers at Jim while he bites his lip and says softly, "Okay".You see what happens when you do business with the Devil, Mr Van Kirk? He comes right around and pokes you in the ass. Hope you enjoyed the show, and hey, thanks for cooking for us! Try again tomorrow.

Jim throws it back over to Kevin Shorey, "Is that good Kevin? You're a connoisseur of food." Is that what they call obese nowadays? Kevin has nothing to say about the food in a serious way, instead he tries to make everyone laugh as he sings his fake praise for the food. Lori laughs hysterically. Ha ha, so funny Kevin. Hey, drop your pants and show us your fat man ass. Come on, we want to laugh at you!

'Hey Jim, if that knife don't work, try a hatchet!'

We get a big jump edit forward, and Jim is getting ready to cut Lori's sawdust cake. Jim attempts to cut it with one hand but fails as the knife wobbles. As expected, the thing is a brick. Jim exclaims, "Dear Lord!", then stands up and uses two hands on the knife. We're told by Van Kirk that this cake weighs 10 lbs. Holy crap. Bakker finally saws through that bad boy and hands a slice to Lori. He then tells us all that he's giving Kevin a smaller piece because Shorey is 'watching his figure'. Lori gets a big laugh out of that and tells us that she 'loves Kevin'. No Lori, you don't love Kevin. You love that he makes you laugh.

The cake goes out to everyone on-stage, as well as to the collected crowd of Bakker Zombies that would buy sand from him in a desert full of it. Jim asks everyone if they like the cake. Do I really need to tell you what they said?