Bearded Bakker back from vacation

The Bearded Dragon

Jim Bakker has finally returned from vacation and hopefully he's all rested up because there are a lot of foodbuckets stacking up on the set that need to be moved!

Morningside's resident eunuch Zach Drew is back at the announcer's helm. He happily announces Jim's guests for the day. Naturally, foodbucket master Frank Davis is Jim's first guest upon return from vacation. Oh yeah, and Kevin Shorey. Do you think Zach realizes that he has taken Kevin's spot as the fat announcer?

Resident Eunuch Zach Drew

As we get our first glimpse of Jim and Lori, one immediately notices Bakker's beard. It's scruffy and gray and makes him look like an old Koala bear. Lori looks lighter, maybe she had some foodbucket-fat sucked out of her arms over the extended vacation?

Zach mounting his chair (right side)

Jim and Lori welcome 'Uncle Kevin' aboard, and as the camera pulls away we see Zach in the background struggling to navigate one of his big haunches up and over a chair on the opposite side of the stage, it looks like he's mounting a horse. Given the seating arrangements, I think Zach knows he is Kevin's replacement and doesn't want to sit near him. Either that or stage manager Mondo is worried about seating those two big bulls together and risking a full stage collapse.

Koala Bear -An animal indigenous to...

The Bearded Dragon announces that today is the 13th anniversary of the day he proposed to Lori. Lori uses this announcement to steal a little bit of the spotlight off of Jim's beard. She says that the proposal 'wasn't very romantic' then laughs obnoxiously. Bakker unromantic, well gee there's a surprise. She goes on to tell the story of being in San Francisco, living with her mom and volunteering at the Master's Commission. This is probably code-language for 'I was fresh off a drug bender, crashing out in a flop-house and getting free lunch at the local soup kitchen.' She says that Jim called and first asked her mom if he could marry her, which she calls 'sweet'. I would call that 'weird'; after all, Bakker was a sixty'ish ex-con and Lori was a forty'ish ex-druggie with five abortions to her name...isn't asking for permission at that point sort of academic?

Jim Bakker doesn't like being laughed at

Lori continues the story and says that after Jim asked her mom (which was 'sweet'), he then proposed to her over the phone, which was unromantic. She then bleats out more obnoxious laughter, this time directed towards Jim. Jim tries to defend himself, then Lori bleats some more. Uh-oh, Bakker's getting pissed now. He's trying to talk and Lori keeps bleating like a sheep about to be shorn. Jim shifts in his chair and grabs the arm as a look of anger sweeps across his face. He begins to speak and Lori interrupts with another round of baying, pointing a thumb at him as if to say, 'Get a load of the old man getting all hot-under-the-collar!' 

Skeeter clacked away and earned pity laughter

Jim finally regains control, but exactly how is shrouded in mystery since the episode is heavily edited in this section. We get some strange edits, time elapses, and now everything is fine and 'Grandma Char' is invited up to flap her gums about the whole thing. This old bug clacks away with some unfunny stories about Jim's proposal, and we see Jim give a long fake laugh to humor her. The woman looks like a mosquito.

Ahh, now Jim mentions his 'weeklong vacation'. Kevin points out what everyone already noticed but was afraid to ask about, the beard. The Crypt Keeper refers to it as the "Sean Connery Look", then we get an actual side-by-side comparison of Jim Bakker and Mr Connery.

Sir Jim Bakker?

Bakker gives a little mug for the camera, then attempts to imitate Mr Connery's voice. As Bakker attempts the voice, he drops his chin to his chest to try and get deeper while saying, "If I could just get that, [voice deepens] voice, you know." From off-screen, Kevin tries to keep the momentum for Jim by prodding him with, "Bond...James Bond." The ball's back in Jim's ungodly court now, and I can see that he's both embarrassed and excited to try the famous line in the voice of Mr Connery. He's dying to do it, but at the last second he pulls back from the brink with a very un-Connery-like statement of the word "Yes"(which wouldn't make sense in this context even if it was Sean Connery). And in case you're wondering, he sounded like Master Yoda, not Sean Connery.

'Bakker. Jim Bakker."

Jim says he asked Lori's permission to not shave. He also told her that he's not going to have his hair colored anymore. We'll see how long that lasts. Lori then comes out and says she loves hair coloring, then goes one further by stating that she's saving up foodbuckets to use for bartering with her hairdresser when 'there's no money left'. I honestly don't know if she's crazy or just stupid. It's probably a mixture of both.

With Bakker's opening monologue / Sean Connery comedy bit done, he moves into the foodbucket doom and gloom. Jim tells everyone that they should expect more beards in the future when there's no electricity. But Jim, just go give Lori's hairdresser a foodbucket and let him shave you?

Kevin sitting in Zach's chair.

Jim asks Kevin for a song, but first Kevin's cue card says it's time for birthday gifts. It looks like Morningside has invested in a gigantic swivel chair for Kevin. Scratch that, for Zach...Kevin's fat flanks are merely warming the seat for Zach, who is still seated on the opposite side of the stage. I guarantee you Kevin will fart in that chair before he goes back out on the road, just to spite Zach. Kevin announces the first birthday: a 90-year old Bakker zombie who appears lost but happy. She gets a free Lori Signature Necklace, valued at $35.

Kevin turning in Zach's chair.

Jim interrupts birthday announcements to make an announcement of his own: Jim Bakker's Cereal. That's right, straight from Food For Health, you can now buy Jim Bakker's very own Organic 8 Grain Cereal. The cost is $25 for a 5 lb bag of feed, and of course they're all gushing about how great the value is. Skeeter Graham pipes up from her chair about how healthy the cereal is, though I'm fairly confident that ol' Skeeter isn't cracking into all eight of those grains with them fake chompers of hers. Jim Bakker Cereal: Bullshit in Every Bite!

Jim Bakker Cereal: Bullshit in Every Bite!

Kevin rushes very quickly through the rest of the birthdays and anniversaries, then gets to his song. I don't blame him. The big fella is probably getting a flat rate to be Bakker's lackey with the only upside being his chance to advertise himself and his website with a song. It's in his best interest to sing, and sing he does. He plops himself right in the middle of the crowd and tears into a song. It's a mediocre performance, but Kevin tries. He tries.

'Bakker's Breakfast Club' indeed

   We segue into a segment showing foodbuckets being created at Food For Health. Then Bakker introduces the man himself, Frank Davis, President of Food For Health. He comes out to a round of applause. Does this guy have any integrity whatsoever? He's flying out to Morningside and he's appearing on The Jim Bakker Show, cozying up to [convicted] Shyster Extraordinaire, Jim Bakker. Can the guy not understand that what Jim Bakker does with his foodbuckets is devious, dishonest and wrong? Frank Davis, must you take every bloody dollar handed to you, no matter how it's earned? Have some integrity for god's sake.

Where is your integrity, Frank Davis?

Jim ratchet's up the scare tactics, asking Davis, "The nation's out of potatoes, is that correct?" Frank Davis replies, "We are virtually unable to get any potatoes...until the new harvest." So you, Frank Davis, are okay with Jim Bakker misleading people about 'the nation's potatoes'? Why not say, 'No Jim, the nation is not out of potatoes." Instead, you answer tangentially to keep the aura of fear floating around all of Jim's inbreds, thereby padding your own slimy pockets. My wife went to the store recently and guess what she saw all stocked up, in multiple varieties? Potatoes, you turd. Potatoes as far as the eye could see.

Jim's uncited, scary news story

Jim goes on to proclaim from some uncited source, "The US has no remaining grain reserves." He then contradicts himself through the same uncited report by reading, 'the only thing left...will be 2.7 million bushels of wheat." Jim, wheat is a grain. Your own bible tells you so (See John 12:24 for starters). You are intentionally misleading people and contradicting yourself in the process. The Bearded Dragon's forked tongue is twisting and curling around in it's disgusting reptilian mouth as it lies and deceives the willing but unwise. And people wonder why I blog about Bakker? The guy is a warty toad. Meanwhile, Frank Davis sits and counts his dirty money.

Kevin Shorey doing what he does best!

Jim orders Mondo to begin cooking up some foodbucket slop for the audience to eat. Jim and Frank move into a pre-scripted discussion about beans so they can hawk $100 Bean Buckets (or as I call them, Fart Buckets). Now they're talking about rice, which leads to Rice Buckets. And now a twist: Fast Frank Davis is moving into selling Tomato Buckets; get yourself a 10 lb bucket for two-hundred big ones. I wish I had that bucket right now cause I'd splat a tomato right on Bakker's big head. Everyone in the audience, including Bakker and Co, are chowing down on the slop. We get the obligatory closeup of Kevin Shorey stuffing his face with a heaping spoonful of food. I think Kevin might actually like this particular foodbucket preparation because every stage shot we see shows him with his face buried in a bowl.

Money problems? What money problems?

Jim wraps up the show by reading down his product list, making sure to cover everything he's selling. He has various foodbucket deals for sale, and now Fast Frank Davis is including a tiny little solar charger with his foodbuckets. Jim connects the solar charger to his Ipad for demonstration purposes. You know, an Ipad, those expensive little gadgets that run from $500 to $1000 a pop? I don't see Lori with an Ipad yet, maybe she'll get one as a Lori's House business write-off once they pull in some more fear money.

Kevin puts his empty bowl down and gets a crack at one more song. He's not standing up this time though, that full belly of his is staying put in Zach's giant swivel chair for this go-round. He'll just sing it from there.