Lori Bakker Birthday Show Part 1

Resident Eunuch Zach

Today we're told of a 'special edition' of The Jim Bakker Show: It's Lori's 54th birthday celebration. Most women that I know, hell, all the women that I know, would not tell you how old they are, much less celebrate their birthdays. But hucksters Lori and Jim don't throw away easy opportunities to sell product, and today they're cleaning house. What exactly are they selling? The shortest answer would be: everything.

The Country Bear Jimboree, minus a drummer

The show opens with a confident-looking Zach thumbing himself as he tells us, "I'm Zach Drew." We see a little taste of the Morningside Band, but the drummer is missing. By missing, I don't mean the regular drummer is missing and has been replaced by a new guy. I mean there is literally no drummer seated at the set. Yet, the music clearly contains a drum beat. These animals are fake-playing to a track like the Country Bear Jamboree...has anyone confirmed that those are real people up there? Maybe the animatronic drummer's arm mechanism was sticking and he's been taken out for an oil job? I've always thought that Possum Trot keyboard player looked like a brainless stuffed animal...maybe I was right after all.

The camera moves to the audience and shows us the collected gaggle of Bakker Zombies. Holy hell...I think they're stuffed too. Just look at the vacant stares and mindless clapping.

"Let me clap for you before I insult you, dear."

And now we see the lady of the hour, Lori 'Graham' Bakker. Jim's sitting real pretty for her, giving her a nice round of applause before announcing, "Fifty-four years.....old, today." He thought about it for a second. 'Am I gonna call her young or old?' I'd love to be inside his mind while he was debating that little move. What line of thinking made him settle on calling Lori 'old' instead of 'young'? Maybe I'm giving him too much credit though. He didn't call her 'old' for any particular reason, he just did it because he's an asshole, plain and simple.

"Der der der, I want to eat Gilbertis, der der der."

Lori yaps about wanting to go to Gilberti's to eat for her birthday. I looked this place up and found it rated '#1 out of 8 total restaurants' in Branson. It also has 'the best pizza in town'. I don't know if the owner has a business relationship with Lori and the Duke so I can't speak to his integrity, but in a town of 8 restaurants, it's probably not too hard to be top, especially if he's serving pizza to all those pigs. Anyways, Lori keeps telling us that she wants to go to Gilberti's to eat. Okay, so get your fat-ass in the car and go eat...talking about it will only make you hungrier.

The Crypt Keeper and Mongrel de la vega

Grannie Char the Bug is introduced, followed by Gangster Mondo and then Video Game Ricky. It looks like they've finally unshackled Ricky from the Morningside dungeon and let him out for some fresh air and sunlight. Bakker calls him "Ricky Ricardo" and introduces him as Lori's 'littlest lamb', but then corrects himself and says, "Well, not littlest anymore." And don't you forget that Jim. You're gonna make the mistake one day of telling Ricky to shine your shoes, and he's gonna tell you straight up, "No more shines, Jim." It might go something like this:

[Bakker] "Hey Ricky Ricardo, you turn that video game off right now. Don't you speak English ya dumb waterhead?"

"No more shines, Jim."

[Ricky] "Yeah, umm, I've been meaning to tell you something Jim. I've decided to play video games all day. In fact, I'm going to be playing games all week, all month, and all year. And by the way, my last name isn't 'Ricardo'. That sound good, 'Bakker'?"
[Bakker, shouting] "Ricky you turn that off right now, or else!"
[Ricky, standing] "Or else what, Jim? What are you gonna do, old man?"

But, for now at least, Jim still has control over Ricky since he has the dungeon keys and therefore controls Ricky's access to fresh air, sunlight and dry clothes. On the couch, Bakker prompts Ricky, "Say 'Happy Birthday Mom'", and Ricky immediately repeats it. Quite a touching mother-and-fake-son moment.

Wait wait, don't tell me. Vegan, right?

Three minutes in and Bakker is hawking a self-published cookbook by his guest, Kevin Van Kirk. Jim calls this guy a 'genius'. Van Kirk looks like the typical staunch, in-your-face vegan wack: slightly emaciated, taut inelastic skin, and lips pulled back from his teeth. His head is small; he looks like a little fruit monkey. If he came up to me on the street to tell me that he didn't eat meat (as I'm sure he would), I would reply, "Yeah dude...I can tell."

Van Kirk says he made a German Chocolate Cake for Lori without milk, without dairy, and without oil. I assume 'dairy' includes eggs, milk and butter. So what did he make it out of, sawdust and cardboard? You can't make a cake without eggs, or at least you can't make a cake anyone would eat without eggs. I'm sure he'd eat it, but then again, I'm sure this guy eats crickets and mealworms too. Gotta get your protein somewhere, right?

Jim suspiciously eyeing the sawdust cake. It weighs 10 lbs.

Kevin Shorey is holding up Van Kirk's book. Something tells me that Kevin won't be thumbing through those recipes tonight. No meat? Trash.

A surprise guest slinks onto the set from the back door. It's Plastic Man himself, Dino Kartsonakis, and he's brought a cake too. Dino announces his cake as being 'sugar-based' and I'll admit that I chuckled at that one. Now we have two cakes competing for Lori's affection: Dino's sugar cake and Van Kirk's sawdust cake. I'm guessing the sawdust cake eventually gets distributed to all the animals in the audience, while sweet-tooth Lori gorges on sugar cake. They'll probably force the sawdust on Kevin, Zach and Sasha too. Jim likes sticking it to his clowns.

Dino's piano is a total loss...or is it?

Dino tells Lori that he's giving her a gift: A plaque containing a few keys from his pianos that were destroyed by flood over the summer. Bakker jumps on this money-making opportunity. He tells Dino, on-air, that he'll pay him for his keys so that he can sell them to support his construction efforts. Jim turns to the camera and tells us that he's burdened because he's starting paving work today on the road to Lori's House. Looks like he's gonna mix some fake tears into this sad story, and right on schedule Bakker chokingly tells us that he's paving "...the road to the valley which has been a...bumpy road you might say...for us." Jim tells us that there's not enough money to finish the road, but they're gonna start anyways. That's classic Bakker, starting projects that he has no money to finish so he can guilt people into 'helping a brother out'.

"I can edit this out", says the Frog

Jim floats a number to Dino: $2,000 per plaque. This is strange, they're negotiating on-camera in plain view. Dino hedges a little bit and Jim says, "...Tell me if I'm wrong. I can edit this out." After Bakker says he can 'edit this out', he turns to the camera and laughs. Wow, Dino is really squirming up there. He turns to Lori and starts talking to her while Jim is still talking to him. Jim's telling Dino about Lori's House while Dino is simultaneously telling Lori that "it's gonna be an amazing place." I wonder if maybe Dino wants more money but feels he's being badgered into the deal by Jim? It could also be that he's trying to justify the value of his 'charitable donation' to Jim on-camera in case the IRS comes knocking. I think it's the latter, because Dino also squeaks in an off-handed comment that "...it's about ministry." For the record, Kartonakis sounds entirely unenthused that this would be 'about ministry'.

Bakker won't be smiling when the IRS comes knockin' again

Wait, I think I've figured it out. Dino has most likely filed an insurance claim to replace his lost pianos (there were two of them, by the way). Insurance will pay him for the total loss. However, Dino is also going to sell the piano keys to Bakker under the table for cash, or donate them to Bakker through a charitable donation. Personally, I think Dino's taking cash, and I think ol' Diamond Dino is looking forward to this chance to double-dip on his lost pianos. Bakker, of course, is more than happy to help since it will benefit him too. Just my opinion, but this all sounds a little dishonest to me.

Now that we're out of the shady on-camera deal between Bakker and Plastic Man, Jim talks about being in 'the valley' after coming out of prison. He says Kenneth Copeland emptied his bank account to give Jailbird Jim some seed money after flying the coop, which I don't believe. This segues into Jim introducing his 'One Day Only' offers to support Lori's House. Jim is selling eight different junk bundles for $54 bucks each, and he claims that they're available for one day only. Considering that Bakker streams his show online before broadcasting it at a later date, I would say that Jim Bakker is lying. At minimum, these offers are available for two days: once on the internet and once on tv...not counting repeats in the future. Any Bakker Loopys care to respond to that?

Is Diamond Dino double-dipping on his lost pianos?

Bakker tells us that he can pave his road and pour the Lori's House foundation immediately if everyone watching buys one of his junk bundles. And what if they don't Jim, what are you going to do? You're gonna go into debt and tell everyone you need help, right?

Jim says they've gone into their vaults and warehouses to pick the junk he's selling today, and he says that some of it isn't 'brand new', but they're all things that Lori loves. I'm not sure what he means by this, is he selling used goods? Jim tells us again, this is for "One..Day..Only."

Jim's first item up for sale is a Bible Two-Pack. What kind of wicked ministry is this, selling Bibles on tv at a markup? Would Jesus sell Bibles, Jim?

Jim is really pushing the Bibles hard, raving about the large print and soft leather binding. Bakker tells us that these Bibles were already paid for and have been sitting in his warehouse. Jim sounds like a mafia fence peddling stolen fur coats. He probably got 'the deal of a lifetime' on these Bibles, stowed them away in a Branson Load N' Lock storage unit, and now he's trying to move them out before 'the Feds' start getting wise:

[Mafioso #1 wiretap] "Hey, you know that guy downstairs, the froggy guy with the color tv and the wife with the big tits?"
[Mafioso #2 wiretap] "The guy that runs the Bakery? Yeah I know him. He's a friggin' schmuck, keeps asking me for if I wanna buy his cheap chink jewelry. I bought one for the wife, turned her skin green."
[Mafioso #1 wiretap] "Yeah yeah, I know. But here's the thing. The guy is knee-deep in Bibles right now."

[Mafioso #2 wiretap] "Whoa whoa. Paulie, how you know something like that?"

[Mafioso #1 wiretap] "Because I'm the guy that got him in deep. This guy told me he'll pay a Cleveland ($1,000) per truck. Says he moves them like candy at a preschool picnic."
[Mafioso #2 wiretap] "No kiddin? What's a truck hold, about 10,000?"
[Mafioso #1 wiretap] "Something like that. So he gets 'em for 10 cents a piece, what do I care?"
[Mafioso #2 wiretap] "Kinda makes you wonder how much he moves them for, don't it?"

"Can you imagine a $70 Bible for $26?" says Jim as he continues pushing the Bibles on us. No, I can't imagine a $70 Bible for $26, Jim. You know what I can imagine though? A Bible for free. How about it, Pastor?

Mmmmm, yummy.

Our next item is a Silver Sol Starter Kit. Lori claims she uses it every day of her life, which for me is reason enough not to buy it. Zach gets on the mic and gives us the rundown on the kit. He's like Jim's Rod Roddy.

Jim throws it over to Kevin Van Kirk, who is now wearing an apron at a table full of veggies. He's making a salsa which consists of about five chopped veggies all mixed in a bowl. He advises that he likes to add jalapeno to it, and depending on how you hot you want it will determine how much jalapeno you put in. This is one of the stupidest things I've seen/heard on the Bakker Show in a long time. Is that what's in his cookbook? Does he tell us how to pour milk on cereal too? He goes on to inform us that his salsa is also vegan...that might be even stupider than the jalapeno comment. Twenty bucks for his cookbook, plus shipping.

Sasha whoring herself out for Bakker

Back to Jim's junk. Two Lori Lockets, today only, $54. Sasha models it for us, but Lori doesn't. That's because Lori isn't actually wearing one. Jim tells us that he needs to hurry and get Kevin out for a song. I don't understand the rush, but my first guess would be that Kevin has to poop and wants to hit his notes first before vanishing for an hour.

Diamond Dino cracking his knuckles

Jim has one of his 'for sale' bibles in hand and starts citing scripture designed to convince viewers that they should give their money to him. In the background, Dino cracks his knuckles. I wonder if Dino the Greek is the one with the connect on those bibles? Jim reads to us from his shwag bible, "God richly gives us everything to enjoy." He then turns to Lori with a smirk, "So you can enjoy your Lori Lockets there." I don't think that's what the writer meant, Jim. He goes on with the verse until he reaches the word 'foundation'. Then Bakker says that he's building a foundation today. I don't think they meant that either, Jim.

Do you think Jim has ever choked Lori in anger before?

Item #4, two Lori Signature Necklaces. Lori is wearing this one, but it's skewed off to the side of her neck and sort of covered by her scarf. That's okay, Quick-Fingers Bakker comes to the rescue. This guy puts his slimy little fingers on the 'piece' and centers it so the camera can get a good glimpse. Wife or not, it's a complete invasion of her personal space. Now he's pointing at the locket, but he's right up on the thing, merely inches away. Meanwhile, Lori's sitting there like a dog with a biscuit on it's nose, waiting for the 'snap it' signal from her master. If you don't think this is strange, consider it in reverse. Do you think Bakker would ever, even for a second, let someone get that close to him while he sits obediently like a trained dog? Of course not. It's demeaning. Lori's wearing the ugly thing, she's plenty capable of modeling it for the camera herself.

And do you think Lori's ever choked Jim back?

Here he goes again, now he's grabbing the locket on her neck and rolling it around like a booger, with the backside of his hand directly underneath Lori's chin. The guy is danger close to her face. Is he going to punch her? Man, if he's this assaultive with his wife, imagine how he was with a young Jessica Hahn?

Heeding the intestinal groans of a rapidly dilating Shorey off-camera, Jim quickly moves to junk bundle #6, so quickly in fact that he forgot junk bundle #5. Up for bid is a six-pack of BioSense Hand Sanitizer Bottles. I'll give him a buck for the whole pack, but Jim's asking for $54. More rushing as Jim tells us Kevin is coming up with his song. I don't know if Kevin is giving the signal off-camera, or maybe his stomach is growling something fierce like a caged tiger. They're all really concerned with getting Shorey out there to sing, immediately.

Click to continue to Lori Bakker Birthday Show, Part 2

Lori Bakker Birthday Show Part 2

This is part two. Click here for Lori Bakker's Birthday Show, part 1.

God I hope Lori grows up to look like this

Lori tells Jim that he skipped whatever garbage was being sold as #5, so he backtracks. And guess what garbage he missed? Six copies of Lori's book, 'More Than I Could Ever Ask'. Lori looks a little perturbed by this, which makes me wonder if asshole Bakker did it on purpose. Mondo pipes up on the couch, acting surprised that they're giving so many of the books away in this junk bundle. The Crypt Keeper also weighs in, whistling out some words through her dentures about people needing to give this book to their young daughters for guidance. Well ya know, Grandma Char, I'll pass on your advice. After all, the daughter you raised became a drug-using abortion machine who now rips people off under the guise of religion.

The old Bug's hands look like feet

Jim rushes to junk bundle #7: Six Tiffany-Style Heart bracelets. Again we're reminded that Kevin's gonna sing. If you don't get Shorey out there NOW, it won't be his mouth singing, it'll be his ass. Hurry Jim, please hurry. Grandma Char models the bracelet. Oh my god, her hands are hideous. They're like two masses of colorless-flesh with some fake nails on the end. None of her fingers resemble the other. In fact, they look like feet. In some alternate universe, I think there's a creature with feet just like the Skeeter's hands. And I'll bet that creature's ass looks just like Jim Bakker's face, too.

Anyone with that much cheap jewelry probably talks to birds

Jim asks an off-camera Kevin if he's ready to sing, and we hear a far-too-tiny voice say, "I'm ready." I think Shorey's starting to shut-down on us, concentrating all available energy on bowel control. Jim then heartlessly goes to junk bundle #8, amusingly called "Lori's Grab Bag". In it is a ladies watch, a mens watch, and a hideous Tiffany-Style necklace and bracelet that Sasha models for us. I swear, this jewelry looks like something you'd win from one of those pizza arcade machines where you have to move the claw and drop it down to pick your prize. Maybe Jim will start selling fluorescent green sticky hands in a couple months too, telling all the old zombies that it'll help them access those hard-to-reach boxes of Fiber One. Whoa....maybe Gilbertis is actually a pizza arcade?

Skeeter holds the key to the Crypt

Lori's Grab Bag isn't done yet. It also includes a set of freshwater pearl earrings, 4 Karat 'CZ' earrings which Sasha is also wearing. Call it a hunch, but I think Sasha has a lot of pet birds at her house, wherever that may be. I don't know why, it's just something about her wearing all that cheap jewelry which makes me think she also likes talking to birds. More junk: a key necklace is included in the bag. Wait, or maybe not. Jim tells us that he can substitute anything he wants in the bag if he runs out of items. So if you're heart is set on a key necklace, don't you call up complaining when you get a hand sanitizer spritzer instead.

The Bug's pants hiked up to her nips

 Jim reaches for Ms Feet Hand's key necklace, which naturally would unlock some sort of crypt. She mugs for the camera with a face reminiscent of death. Jim lets go of the key, and we get a closeup of the key resting on Death's chest. Her pants are pulled up to her nipples.

Seychelle Tampon

The last item in Lori's Junk Bag is announced. It's a Seychelle water filter straw that resembles a tampon. Bakker tells us that Lori takes them everywhere, including 'Tijuana-type restaurants'. In a bad bit of scripting, Lori asks Dino what he thinks about the bag. Dino tells us that he's gonna include one of his cds in the bag. It just dawns on me that this guy has completely screwed his face up in order to look like Barry Manilow. No joke, I'm pretty sure that's what his whole thing is. He desperately wants to be Barry Manilow, so he chops up his face to do it. This is craziness.

Dino sold his soul for those Manilow good-looks

We get about 5 minutes of scripture jabbering between Lori, Jim and Mondo, and now we see Kevin sitting on-stage again. I think he 'took care of business' during the scripture talk. When Jim last asked him if he was ready, his tiny voice hailed from out in the audience among the tables. Once Jim started up with Lori's Bag though, Kevin must have decided to beat feet down the hall to the Morningside bathroom. Lucky for him, Zach's been on-stage the entire time. Imagine those two bulls locking horns over the extra-wide handicapped stall?

Kevin teetering to his song

Shorey now looks cool, calm and collected, apparently things went well in the bathroom. It's time for his song, and he's gonna phone this one in right from his chair. Actually, it's Zach's chair now, but Kevin gets it whenever he stops by for a dirty paycheck from Jim. Soft music begins to play. The bass line rides down low and slow...this is probably what Kevin's guts sounded like only minutes ago. Kevin's talking about babies while the music plays, this is going to be a song just for Lori and her House. It begins as most of Kevin Shorey's songs do, like it's written for a child or a stupid adult. "Little bitty baby, hugs for you. Little bitty baby, in your mother's womb."

Kevin had to shit something fierce

But then the song takes a horrible turn. "When now there's warmth and comfort, it'll soon become your tomb." My eyebrows raise, awaiting the second verse. "Little bitty baby, nestled safe inside. But when the poison comes to kill you, there'll be no place to hide. The song goes on and on and on while Kevin teeters side-to-side in the chair. There's no melody, just Kevin rambling on about babies and poison. Except for those first couple lines, nothing rhymes. The song has babies cooing in the background, but then it turns to crying and Kevin admonishes us to "close our eyes and picture them crying." The camera shows a tearful, fat Zombie at a table. The Zombie's upper lip is hanging low on one side, I think it's missing teeth on one side.

Bakker zombie experiencing something akin to sadness

We see Lori sitting next to Kevin as he sings and she appears to be lost in a fog. The song ends and Lori tells us that we need to do something to help these babies. Junk-Bundle Jim, ever the opportunist, tells us that we need to 'put our money where our mouth is'. He hits some baby scripture real quick to cover all the bases on this sales-pitch, then he comes out and tells us that we need to give an offering of $54. He immediately follows that with an exasperated look and the charge that 'We're giving more value back then you're giving." You're not giving shit, Bakker. You're marking stuff up and selling it so you can expand your property and net worth. Oh wait no, that's Charlene Graham's net worth because everything is in her name. Why is that, Jim? You, your fat wife, and all the rest of the phonies on your show have done nothing but take. Take money, take vacations, take more money, take more vacations. You build. Not for God, not for me, and not for the brainless morons in the crowd, but for you. All the crap you build is for one reason: for you to continue making money.

Lori trying to figure out what this resembles

Oh great, now Bakker's grabbing bowls of Van Kirk's disgusting food so he can pretend it's the most delicious thing on earth. Jim asks Van Kirk, "Now what do we have in this bowl here, Kevin?" No no, don't answer that Kev, let me get this:

[Bakker] "What is this, Kevin?"
[Van Kirk] "It's dog shit, Jim. You're eating dog shit. Isn't it delicious?"
[Bakker] "Oh, it's amazing! And you have the recipe for this in your cookbook?"
[Van Kirk] "Yep, it's all in there. Cow shit, cat shit. We even have a creamy bird shit stew, just turn to page 666."
[Bakker, making yummy sounds] "Mmm, sounds great. It has so much flavor, and it's so healthy!"

Jim and Lori trying not to to choke on vegan food

I almost don't even need to waste my time with what they really said, because it's exactly what I said. Jim's eating the Fruit Monkey's taco salad while the Monkey tells us what's in it. Jim asks for 'the dip' and the Monkey doesn't hear it. Jim asks again, but this time he adds a little sales polish to his question, "Did they eat it all up? Did they eat it all up already?" Jim's picking through his bowl, looking for the stuff that isn't dry so he doesn't choke on camera. Lori's sucking down some water through a Seychelle filter straw to wash all that delicious taco salad down into her gut. No wonder they want dip, they need something moist to slide that crap down the pipe.

Bakker spitting food out

Fruits asks the audience if they liked the food, and surprise surprise, they all clap. Another plate comes out to Jim and Lori to eat, and Jim actually spits something out. Shorey gets tapped in to eat. It doesn't look like Kevin is prepared to eat right at this moment, but Jim tells him, "Kevin, come on. Dig in there, come on." He may as well be telling Kevin, 'Shove your big fat face in there for the camera to see, then do something self-deprecating and humiliating so we can all laugh at the fat guy stuffing his face."

Dig in there Kevin!

The Fruit Monkey tells us a little more about the recipes in his vegan book. This guy is probably choking down vitamins by the mouthful every morning to supplement the lack of meat in his diet. We as humans need to eat animal flesh. That doesn't mean we have to gorge on the stuff, but you simply can't function as a normal human without at least some of it. Sorry to break that to you, Fruits.

[Bakker to Fruits] "You'll be working for free today."

Bakker drops a surprise bombshell on the Fruit Monkey: All proceeds of his book will be going to Lori's House. The Monkey does not, I repeat, does not look happy with this. His eyes shoot daggers at Jim while he bites his lip and says softly, "Okay".You see what happens when you do business with the Devil, Mr Van Kirk? He comes right around and pokes you in the ass. Hope you enjoyed the show, and hey, thanks for cooking for us! Try again tomorrow.

Jim throws it back over to Kevin Shorey, "Is that good Kevin? You're a connoisseur of food." Is that what they call obese nowadays? Kevin has nothing to say about the food in a serious way, instead he tries to make everyone laugh as he sings his fake praise for the food. Lori laughs hysterically. Ha ha, so funny Kevin. Hey, drop your pants and show us your fat man ass. Come on, we want to laugh at you!

'Hey Jim, if that knife don't work, try a hatchet!'

We get a big jump edit forward, and Jim is getting ready to cut Lori's sawdust cake. Jim attempts to cut it with one hand but fails as the knife wobbles. As expected, the thing is a brick. Jim exclaims, "Dear Lord!", then stands up and uses two hands on the knife. We're told by Van Kirk that this cake weighs 10 lbs. Holy crap. Bakker finally saws through that bad boy and hands a slice to Lori. He then tells us all that he's giving Kevin a smaller piece because Shorey is 'watching his figure'. Lori gets a big laugh out of that and tells us that she 'loves Kevin'. No Lori, you don't love Kevin. You love that he makes you laugh.

The cake goes out to everyone on-stage, as well as to the collected crowd of Bakker Zombies that would buy sand from him in a desert full of it. Jim asks everyone if they like the cake. Do I really need to tell you what they said?

Foodbucket Flashback: Master's Commission Graduation

Mrs Wintercorn, Zach and FrankenZach

Dateline: June 2010

Morningside - Blue Eye, MO
Subj: Foodbucket Flashback
Re: Fat Inbreds Dancing

According to my DVR, the single greatest episode of The Jim Bakker Show occurred sometime in June 2010. It was the graduation of the inaugural Master's Commission class, or at least that's what Jim said. Fast-forward to a year later and many faces have disappeared, and in fact Master's Commission has changed to the unfranchised and probably unaccredited broadcasting college that Jim created, Master's Media.

The black kid and Inbred Redford, heads bowed in mediocrity

The show begins with a somber tone, the fat graduates arrayed in front of us like hogs at a fair. Everyone's heads are bowed, hands clasped. The camera pans across the collected herd. There's Zach and FrankenZach. Young froglet James is positioned next to his crush, Mrs Wintercorn. On the upper deck of the stage we spy Bill Ballenger's son, Count Ballenger. To his left is Big Trystan, and between both of them is an unknown girl with enormous thighs, the proverbial elephant in the room. She's positioned in the worst possible spot: Smack dab in the middle of the entire group. Normally we put the unattractive off to the side so we don't have to look at them. Here, they've quite literally attempted to hide her in plain view.

Why would you place her right in the middle of the pack?

A song prelude has been playing in the background, but now it's showtime. Altogether, the kid's contort. They are, in their own minds, dancing beautifully for their Lord, Jim Bakker. To the home viewer, it appears that they are simultaneously convulsing due to a bad Branson burger. They wave their arms and move their hands in motions which resemble sign language. And the kids are not only 'dancing', they're also lip-synching.

  

FrankenZach almost went horizontal

It's interesting to pick out the best- and worst-dancers, considering that they're all bad dancers to begin with. The token black kid is pretty decent, whereas FrankenZach is horrible. FrankenZach is trying very, very hard though; at one point he almost went completely horizontal while still standing on his feet. The real Zach is remarkably agile for a big man, and we see that froglet James is actually somewhat coordinated. Surprising, given his softy look.

Whoa, Big Tryst just exploded into a fake solo! That explains the unauthorized sweatpants she's wearing, she'll need that extra breathability and stretchiness...the last thing we need up there are split pants. She's moving in steps which could be described as Combat Tai Chi, ineffective-but-important-looking flailings of her hocks and bellies.

"HI-YA!"

She performs her movements all with a pained expression on her face as she mimics the words of the recorded lady who actually did the singing.

Back to a pan shot. Inbred Redford is next to the black kid, and I'd say he's be about average on the dancing scale. But whoosh, Mrs Charlotte Wintercorn is A-W-F-U-L, with a capital A.

Uh-oh, have I got some disappointing news for Big Trystan. Her dance partner for this evening is going to be The Count, cause he's been placed directly opposite her onstage.

The Count, thrusting

And there he goes! He's cavorting onstage with a creepy look in his eye, humping the air like a dog in heat. No sweats for him, no sir, The Count has smartly decided to wear jeans for this little event to hide the arousal which will be in full bloom by the end of the song. Hell, it's probably there now. This poor kid's been pent up in a four-man room with three fat kids who've been fartin' foodbucket gas all 'semester', now it's time to party. And the scent of Trystan Eschette is in the air.....Oooh, hubba hubba! Show her what you got kid!

The Count has that look in his eye

Whoa-ho, and here's what he's got: Two make-believe six-shooters he's pulling out of his pockets. I have no idea how this move even relates to the song, and frankly I'm not even listening to the song. My brain is too busy watching the visual trainwreck unfolding in front of me.

The Count actually grabbed the air and thrust into it. I hope Bakker has a firehose ready off-stage, or at least a stout stick, this kid is about ready to self-combust. What the hell is in those foodbuckets anyways?

Whoa pardner, no guns allowed in here!

To my relief, The Count makes it through his fake singing solo without getting himself arrested. We're back on the chorus now with the whole assembly doing a sort of lazy 8 move with their hands. Then they all get the Happy Feet. They hop up and down while rotating their hips in mid-air. It's completely nonsensical, is this even considered dancing? They're all looking down while they hop too...are they not capable of safely jumping up and down in place without watching their feet?

Careful elephant, careful!

Scratch that, they've just answered my question. The elephant in the room appears to be teetering on the brink of disaster while she's hopping up there. She's looking down, but I honestly don't even think she can see her feet, it's got to be only belly and thighs from her viewing angle on top of her own damn body. But that's alright Big Mama, you just do what you gotta do to be safe up there. Cause if you fall, you're gonna cause a chain-reaction and the rest of the fat kids are gonna drop like dominoes.

Bakker better get that hose ready

The song's winding down. Count Ballenger gets another couple humps out at the air, while Trystan makes the ASL sign for 'more butter, please'. They're both completely spent. The kids finish their song to a standing ovation from the Bakker zombies in attendance.

The Count grabbed the air and humped it

We cut to Jim Bakker who is now up at the podium in cap and gown. He plays a pre-recorded message from Lloyd Ziegler, director of Master's Commission. Lloyd has a Sylvester the Cat speech impediment, and given the squeaky tone of his voice, I believe the man suffers from shrunken testicles. I could be wrong on that though; he might not have any testicles at all.

After the message plays, we have power-couple Zach and Trystan together giving an address. Zach begins with 'thank yous', and his first thank you goes out to "everybody that cooked for us". Good to see Zach with his priorities straight.

Mrs Wintercorn can't dance

Big Tryst takes the mic and thanks everyone for 'taking us in'. Trystan, you performed a service for Jim Bakker. You paid him to 'take you in', then you went even further and gave him your time and effort for free. You serve at the pleasure of Jim Bakker...and when he's no longer pleased, you will no longer serve. Trystan continues on by telling us how close she's become to everyone, that she now considers them all her 'brothers and sisters'. I feel a little bad for Trystan since I know that 90% of these kids are gone in a year.

Trystan signing for 'more butter, please'

Where's Inbred Redford and the black kid? Mrs Wintercorn? Gone with the harvest. Frankenzach? Back to the castle dungeon. They're all gone. Soon Trystan and Zach will be gone too, never to be seen on television again. And all they'll have to show for their time and money is a wrinkled 'diploma' printed on standard 20# copy paper and preserved for all eternity in a cheap plastic frame. Maybe they'll get lucky one day and see themselves in repeats, hawking Jim's crap while he and Lori sun themselves to a crisp on a Florida vacation. That will be Jim Bakker's special love gift for you, Trystan. Welcome to reality.

Jim Bakker selling watches

Right on time, Jim shows up in a sales-pitch interlude. He's wearing a cap and gown, with tassel. Dean Bakker proceeds to tell us all about the awesome $50 'Thank You' gift we can send him to support the next Master's Commission class. I don't get it: Why would we send him a thank you gift? Shouldn't he be sending us a thank you gift for supporting his heretical ministry? This makes no sense at all, but there's the Dean up there telling us what we get for our Thank You love gift. We get a foodbucket taster pack, a jackoff pump-flashlight, a packet of 'purple power drink' (which is probably Grape Kool-Aid repackaged), and two ugly watches.

"I'm a little concerned, Dean. This is highly unusual."

Dean Bakker then models the watches for us like a Price is Right model. He even has the little wrist motion down. You know the move: A slow rotation of the wrist to make the fake diamonds twinkle under the stage lamps. I've seen a lot of things in my day, but I can't recall ever having seen a college dean try to sell me a watch. This is a first.

The trainwreck continues. Bill Ballenger, convicted felon, takes the stage to sing one of his awful songs. He and his fat wife used to be regulars on the show, but now they've disappeared. The guy is in his forties, frosts his hair, and looks like a giant rat. He can't sing for shit, but he pulls a smoke-and-mirrors move with the hair and clothes to fool people into thinking that he can.

The Rat leering at the girls

He and his wife went to prison years ago, but now he's supposedly reformed and working a 'youth concert' racket which gives him access to high school girls all across the country. Do I know for sure that The Rat is doing anything inappropriate with all these impressionable teenage girls within his reach? No. Would I give him access to my teenage daughter? No. Any convicted felon that frosts his hair and wears clothes designed to hide is true age is not getting anywhere near my daughter...or my son for that matter. No matter how you slice it, it's weird. Stop lurking around the high school kids and go get a real job dude.

Morningside Chief Collaborator, Charlene Graham

Unlike his son, Bill Ballenger avoids humping the air on-stage, though I can't speak for what occurs backstage. He finishes his below-average song (which, by the way, stole a beat from British musician Seal), and heads back to his seat with the rest of the 'faculty'. Oh, did I not mention that Professor Ballenger is also part of the Master's Commission faculty? Yep, and I think he teaches Sex Ed, but don't quote me on that.

FrankenZach thinking of cartoons

The Rat crawls back into his hole and is displaced by Dean Bakker flapping his gums for a bit. Jim blows smoke up their asses, telling them that they'll be doing the Lord's work in the Christian broadcast ministry. What he doesn't tell them is that, in the meantime, the least ugly ones of the bunch will be doing Jim Bakker's work...and they'll be doing it for free. After Jim talks himself out, it's diploma time. Each student is called up to receive their shoddy diploma, a hand shake from Jim and a kiss from Lori. Lori tells each one that she loves them. Lori's mother Charlene, the Crypt Keeper, is wearing a special purple stole to identify herself as Morningside's chief collaborator. To be clear, she is the only one wearing a special robe. Jim doesn't even get that.

Trystan the Tranny Slug

As each kid walks up, I can't help thinking that this resembles a special olympics award ceremony. Each one of these kids looks a wee bit off. Frankenzach's eyes are deepset and dim. Inbred Redford looks dull but powerful. Trystan looks like a giant transvestite slug. Maybe the Crypt Keeper's purple stole is used to dab slobber off of the kid's mouths? If I had to choose one ultimate career path for these kids, it would most certainly not be television. Maybe Jim sees something I don't see.

Did Inbred Redford just escape a mental institution?

After diploma presentation, it's time for the big show finale: 2500 pounds of lip-syncing Master's Commission beef. We start out slow, with Zach Drew fake-singing to us. Then Inbred Red stands up. He's wearing leather wrist bracelets with a chain link dangling from them. On a normal kid these would be cool, but on Red they make him look like he just ripped himself off a wall at the local mental institution.

Why did we never know his name?

The token black kid's up next, with cap pressed firmly down on top of his afro. His name, by the way, is Antwan Jamar. I only know this because they were forced to say his name during diploma presentation. I've never heard Bakker mention his name otherwise. Why not, Jim? He's just a student like everyone else, and he has a name. You draw attention to him by your avoidance of him. Why didn't you ever give him a chance to announce or run a foodbucket marathon? Is it because you knew your audience wouldn't go for that sort of thing?

Wintercorn going the wrong way

Count Ballenger springs up from his seat. Too bad for him though: Since this isn't a thrusting song, he can't work his six-shooter magic again. At some point off-camera, three of the lovely ladies rise up to join the growing chorus. We see the ungainly Mrs Wintercorn screw up her dance number again, walking the wrong way into the other girls. One of the lesser known kids stands up for a small solo piece. He has acne and, in profile, he's all nose and lips. I imagine his high school yearbook is full of girls telling him that he was 'dependable' when they needed a shoulder to cry on, and that he was 'like a brother' to them. He's been cursed with just-below-average looks, good enough to run with the horses but bad enough to come in last every time.

This kid's all nose and lips

Young froglet James gets his turn at lip-syncing. He turns towards Grandfrog Bakker and fake-sings in what should be an emotional moment for Jim. Kevin Shorey appears to have tears in his eyes, as does the long-gone associate-pastor with dyed black hair. Jim's eyes, of course, are dry as a bone.

The Zombie Apocalypse is...NOW!

And now, all the other fat kids suddenly arise and join the chorus. It actually startled my wife who was watching, she thought the Zombie Apocalypse had finally arrived. They all sing as one, 'Thank you for giving to the Lord." The bottom of the screen, coincidentally, has a graphic asking for 'Thank You' gifts of $50. It's yet another obnoxious, ill-disguised plea for money by Jim Bakker. Who should be thanking who, Jim?