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Tuesday, July 26, 2011

2011: The Year Jim makes Contact

In the strange fake palace, an ugly tyrant king reigns supreme
In a field behind Morningside Main, a strange diary is found written in an alien language. Lucky for us, a decoder ring is included:

Planet Scouted: Earth
Location: Milky Way Galaxy - Local Group - Virgo Supercluster
Purpose: Scout for and/or harvest tasty humans

-Have landed in a field full of RVs, poop and garbage. Cannot understand why humans love RVs so much. Cloaking system still operational.

-Have gained entrance into what appears to be a fake royal palace. Many odd human-like creatures collected inside this wonderland. Will survey each group to determine the likeliest candidates to abduct back to our planet for consumption.

The ugly Frog King, Jim Bakker
Have determined that this strange world is ruled by an ugly king named Bakker. He looks to be part amphibian, is it possible that the Zaxxonese have already visited this planet? He's a tyrant who yells at his servants if they do not show him the proper respect. He must be very powerful in this fake palace as nobody dares cross him. I've performed a full brain and body scan and have found that this human's reproductive organs are unusually small, perhaps he was runted at birth? The ugly king has never reached full development, and as a result his brain is probably unflavorful. The meat of this ugly creature will offer an unpleasant, pungent gameyness and shouldn't be eaten. I cannot understand the allure of this human to other humans. Perhaps he is in possession of a magic crystal?

The Frog King's mistress has a pea-brain
The ugly king's mistress seems a huge waste of flesh. Body scanning immediately detects high levels of inedible plastics in it's face. A brain scan confirms my suspicions of low intelligence as it resembles a chickpea in both size and shape. Probably a good nutty flavor on this brain, but when they're that small, why bother?

Recommendation: Given the expected mediocre flavors of both the ugly king and his mistress, I recommend leaving them in place and using them to lure more sub-humans to this strange kingdom. We can do better.

Pickle this witch immediately
Aha, now I've found something! The mistress's mother appears to be an ancient witch; consuming her may bring us magical powers! A body scan shows that this witch is has formaldehyde running though her veins. Fortunately for us, that will simply assist in the meat-curing process. A scan of the brain shows that it has just begun to sour, so we'll have to act quickly...Pack this one up for immediate pickling!

Recommendation: Bring this one home and immediately pickle her. Mark the crate 'special reserve', as future consumption may reward us with magical powers.

If not eaten, this Shorey will fetch a great price at auction
Another good find: There is an enormous human called Shorey who appears to function as entertainment for the ugly leader. This one is likable, quite jolly and welcoming. He sings what sound like simple children's songs praising the ugly leader, and the sour-brains in the crowd applaud loudly. A full body scan shows high levels of sodium in his tissues, and the brain is ripe for consumption. We'll have meat for years off this one. A fine specimen for a holiday feast!

Transport likelihood: Challenging, since this human is very fat. We will need to combine two transport vessels to bring this big bastard home. I'll complete all the necessary paperwork, this monster is too good to pass up.

Recommendation: Shorey's brain and body are already pre-salted and full of preservatives, so he's ready to be served as a delicious ham. Save the extras for jerky and use the bones to flavor a hearty soup. A personal request: After butchering, I'd like to mount this magnificent beast in my trophy room.

All the trimmings of a Shorey, only smaller. Breed him.
Shorey appears to have a brother named Zach, very similar in weight and demeanor. A scan shows him to also be of similar bodily composition. This one would be perfect for dunking. Can also imagine him spit-roasted with an apple in the mouth.

Recommendation: Everything a full-grown Shorey has at only half the size. Good for future breeding and domestication. A keeper.

Not fit for consumption, this Cameron is racked with disease.
Another very large human named Cameron has been observed. This one must be quite popular as he has many young wives. However, this creature is completely opposite the jovial Shorey. His brain and body are completely rotten. Stay away from this one, it's likely diseased.

Recommendation: You couldn't pay me to eat this one. Advise a full decontamination procedure upon return to the mothership. Then when we get back home, blow up the mothership.

Mongrel de la Vega. His brain may be poisonous.
I've spotted a sub-human who seems to function as the frog king's servant in some unknown capacity, perhaps as a man-at-arms bodyguard. He is named 'Mongrel'. This is a sinister-looking humanoid, and a quick brain-scan shows large areas devoid of brain activity. Recommend passing on this one as his brain may be poisonous.

Transport likelihood: Unlikely as this subject is expected to be very combative.

Flavor profile: Spicy but possibly poisonous

The brain has completely soured on this ugly critter. No good.
The ugly king's followers have been surveyed, and they are on the whole entirely unremarkable as humans. Brain scans show that the brains have already completely soured on these worthless zombies and are beginning to ferment in a bad way. They are quite literally the walking dead. Pass on these, they're rancid.

-Survey completed. Have safely exfiltrated fake palace and returned to RVs in the poop field. Will record final notes before leaving planet.

Final notes:

We should consider passing on Earth next time as it's inhabitants are becoming less and less human. If they're going to follow men like this ugly frog king, then I can't see any reason to continu...freeze...wait...I may have been spotted. A massive, full-grown Shorey is coming my way carrying a white roll of paper in his hand. His other hand is loosening his belt and he's grimacing in discomfort. If I remain motionless, he may just walk past me...OH NO, HE'S BROKEN INTO A FULL GALLOP, HE'S COMING RIGHT AT ME!! GET OUT OF THE--...

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Jim Bakker celebrating Fifty Years on the Lam

Young Froglet Bakker
The entire past week has been devoted to celebrating Jim Bakker's 50th Year of Deception in Ministry, or what I would call 'Jim Bakker: Fifty Years on the Lam'. Jim's been at it for a long time, but as long as he's still breathing air through his amphibian nostrils, there will be hope that the law will catch up to him (again).

Hey look at that frog on the bike!

Each show opens with archival clips of a young Bakker in his earliest days of crimevangelism. We see our young, jail-bound froglet riding a bicycle on set. This marks only the second time I've seen a frog ride a bike (the first time was when Kermit rode a bike through Central Park in 'The Muppets Take Manhattan'). Young froglet Bakker bears a striking resemblance to his Master's Commission grandson, also a froglet and also named Jim. Why am I not surprised?

Miles, the Master's Commission goober, announces the guests: Flip Cameron, Paul Todd and Paul Todd, Jr, and another surprise guest. I'll tell you right now that the surprise guest is BeBe Winans. Most of this week's shows are spent under Winan's spell, and let me tell you, the guy's a big bore. Lucky for us, the Todd Brothers come in to save the day.

Cameron to Fedex: 'How much to ship humans?'
Bakker comes out early in the week raring to go. He's happy to see all the people in attendance since that means big offerings and even bigger Builder's Club memberships. Flip Cameron is on stage with him, and it looks like he spent nearly all of that $100k that Jim gave him to fly out his Moldovan girls because they're there too. I'm guessing each plane ticket + visa cost about $3000? That is, unless Cameron just shipped them all FedEx to keep as much money for himself. I'd estimate postage to be about $500 a head, a little more if he wants delivery confirmation.

I want to smash this dimwit's fingers in the piano cover
Jim has unleashed a new inbred on piano that is becoming increasingly annoying with each passing day. The guy will not let up on his version of 'Blueberry Hill', which he sings as "Calvary Hill". This is sacrilege. You don't change the words of someone else's song, period. It's not Calvary Hill, it's Blueberry Hill. If you want it to be Calvary Hill, then write your own damn song. He also insists on singing it in the voice of Louis 'Satchmo' Armstrong, except that he actually sounds like Cookie Monster from Sesame Street. He reminds me of the 8-year old who decides to do his 'funny' voice to impress adults. The voice is only slightly amusing the first time, but once the adults react, the kid keeps going with it and won't stop. That's this guy. The voice and the song weren't really that good the first time, yet he's still going because people react. Looking at him, I think he actually is that 8-year old I'm talking about. He's probably been doing 'the funny voice' since he was a kid, and never grew out of it. I can see the eyes on this inbred, and they are dim. He's a dimwit, or as Jim would say, a 'waterhead'. And Jim put him on the piano...does Bakker just take anyone that shows up?

The Todd Brothers are on deck!
So Lori pets Jim's ego a little bit, telling him how important his legacy is. I still don't understand these people. Jim Bakker's legacy is that he stole tens of millions of dollars from his loyal followers. He reportedly spent church money to buy an air-conditioned doghouse for his dog. According to one report, he flew his clothes across the country in a private jet. He bought yachts and condos and vacation homes with church money, he sold timeshares to his devotees that he knew could not be fulfilled, and he ultimately went to prison for it. That's Jim Bakker's legacy. He's a giant, slimy toad that takes money from people any way he can get it in order to pad his own pockets.

After stroking Jim a little bit, Lori finally announces the mystery guest. Bakker gives his best 'I'm going to vomit' look as BeBe Winans walks out singing. They exchange a strange embrace as Bakker sort of melts like a woman into BeBe's arms. The embrace continues with Bakker placing his head on Winans hand. He might be smelling him too, I can't tell. Finally Jim throws his head back and crows like a rooster, "The Great Beee-Beee Winans!!!!" For god's sake Bakker, get a hold of yourself man.

Now we enter snooze-city with Winans. Jim tells BeBe how much he loves him and how he recognized the talent of BeBe and CeCe Winans years ago when they sang on PTL. Jim says he hasn't be on-stage for over 25 years with BeBe, and praises BeBe for staying by him while he journeyed 'through the valley'. Actually Jim, if this is the first time you've been back on stage with BeBe, wouldn't that mean that he left you all alone in that valley? Bakker is now far enough removed from his own stench that Winans can get away with being near him without attracting too much heat. And, of course, Bakker can pay far better than he could a decade ago. I think we can all agree that BeBe didn't come to Morningside for free?

'I can't understand why everyone thinks I'm gay?'
More snooze-city. I notice that Bebe Winans gives a 'sultry eyes' look whenever he completes a sentence, and I can definitely see why rumors persist that he's gay. And we know that rumors abounded for years about Bakker being some sort of bi-sexual creature that stalked the halls of PTL looking for other young froglets to mate with. I'll tell you, these two ladies look like they're getting real close to giving each other a big smooch on the lips. Jim swoons when BeBe sings, and when Winans sits back down, Jim latches tightly onto the arm of his resident hunk. Honestly, I don't know and I don't care whether these two boys are gay or not. What I do care about is that they're bringing the show to a screeching halt with their flirting. Where the hell are the Todd Brothers?

'It's been so long since I've felt the touch of a man..too long.'
Okay, now BeBe just caressed Jim's knee. After a song, Jim gazes at Winans and refers to his "beautiful brown eyes", then giggles playfully. Look ladies, get a room after the show, fine with me. But cut it out on camera please, we don't want to see this. Now please, unleash the unbridled cacophony that is Paul Todd and his brother / son, Paul Todd, Jr.

These two ladies could gab for hours
I gotta say, the banter between Jim and BeBe is boring, but the hoots coming out of Jim are something I'm not used to. It's rare to see Bakker let his guard down, but BeBe makes it happen. Bakker is laughing and throwing asides into the conversation, and I think this is the charismatic side of Jim Bakker that people who have met him attest too. He's nearly likable, and I know it's strange to hear but it's true. Unfortunately, he uses that charisma for evil: to scare old people into buying his crap. Jim Bakker convinces suckers to turn over their life-savings and social-security checks to him, and in return he gives them shitty condos, dehydrated food and magic wrist bands. Charismatic or not, the guy is a shameless snake.

Jim told BeBe Winans that he has 'beautiful brown eyes'
Jim announces that he wants to make amends with all those people he screwed over with Heritage. Jim is offering any former lifetime partners 3 free nights, anytime, in the Morningside RV park. Is this a sick joke, Jim? You took thousands of dollars a piece from individuals, and in return you're going to give them RV parking for three nights so they can take a dump in your bathhouse? How about RV parking forever? Or how about just returning the money you stole, and went to jail for stealing? Why not begin a new money push called 'Heritage Repayment', and let everyone know that the money will go to former Heritage lifetime partners that you screwed? You're a snake, Jim.

Alright, finally we've made it to the Todd Brothers. The Todd Brothers are the worst musical act I've ever seen on The Jim Bakker Show, but also the most fascinating to watch. They are a father/son team that officially go by the name, "Paul Todd". They're both named Paul Todd though, and like any good father/son singing duo, they behave like brothers. Resentment must abound in this quirky relationship. Who corrects who? Junior sings, but wait, so does Pops. They don't harmonize. Pops plays eight different keyboards, but Junior leads the audience in beat-clapping. Pops knows he's the star, but I don't think Junior knows that. It's bizarre, and I haven't even mentioned the obvious...

Paul Todd and his Rabid Raccoon
...The obvious being Paul Todd's hair. The guy has an enormous mane. I could almost say it resembles a coonskin cap, except that it's less like coonskin and more like an entire raccoon. Whatever critter he has up top, I think it was rabid at one point and bit him, because his music sounds like something a rabid human would play. His big draw is that he plays a whole bunch of keyboards, but the plain truth is that he plays none of them well. I won't even say he's playing music, because he's just hitting a bunch of keys as fast as he can. He creates a headache-inducing waterfall of nonsense musical notes and somehow calls it music. He hits the keys very rapidly, jumping from keyboard to keyboard, and even plays with his feet, but it's all shell with no substance. Each song, if you can call it that, is rapid-fire. I don't how the Todd Brothers could be a draw because the 'music' makes no sense, unless in some disgusting way he's like porn for old people. Maybe the obnoxious cacophony overloads the sense while old Betty fantasizes about Junior?

This relationship will end in murder.
Junior, by the way, looks like the spawn of satan. He's fully fire-crotched, his eyes are flat and low, and he's uncoordinated but doesn't know it. I don't think the kid has played a game of sport, any sport, in his life. Most of his life has probably been spent bouncing around the Ozarks with dad dropping bombs with the old man in stinky motel bathrooms, and dreaming of being just like him. Playing second banana ain't gonna fly with Junior much longer though.

Paul Todd's legs spread wide as he reaches for more notes with his feet
One day, Junior's gonna demand keyboard time during a show. Pops will give it to him once and the audience will love it because, well, anything will be better than what the old man plays. Then Junior will ask again, and Pops won't do it for fear of being upstaged. The resentment is building on both ends, and I think it's going to end very badly. Very very badly. Imagine the extreme violence that would ensue if Junior grabbed Pop's hair in a rage and yanked on it?

Both Paul Todd's blaze through their 'song', the end of which results in both of them hitting an Ozark-triumphant flat final note. This crap would make dogs bark. No, it's worse than that. This crap would make dogs turn on their owner. No, I'm going even further. This crap would make dogs turn on themselves. For them both to hit flat on the final note, to a round of applause: How is this even possible on television? The Jim Bakker Show makes it possible.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Jim predicts food riots in 2012, attempts to fly

'I'm flying today bitches!'
The show begins with someone pounding away on the Morningside piano. Place an infant on a piano bench and let them smash the keys; that's what this sounds like. The extreme urgency with which it's being played causes me to wonder if there's a fire in the building or some other emergency. As Goober Miles announces the guests, I hear a couple Injun war cries coming from somewhere within Morningside. The camera pans the crowd and again I hear the howling, but I don't know who it's coming from. I honestly don't know what to expect when the camera hits that stage...based on what I know at this point, Bakker might be getting scalped by an Apache.

'What are those places called where the gays go for sex?'
Good News (or bad news depending on your perspective): Bakker is not getting scalped. He's on-stage with Lori and Mondo, and some sort of mystery guest off to the right side that he hasn't acknowledged yet. Jim talks about building an RV park at Morningside, then mentions that he's also building some Wilderness Camping gimmick. I'll bet he puts coin locks on the camping bathrooms to cover 'water expenses' or something absurd like that. Jim also mentions that he's building a bathhouse. He seems to hesitate a little bit when he says bathhouse, as if he's aware of the gay connotation associated with them. Jim's in weird territory here, and he pulls himself out by abruptly changing the subject to tents. In his words, "The best thing you can have besides food and water, is a tent...for emergencies." I don't know that a tent would be that high on my list of necessities, but then again I don't make my living reselling crap to old people at a markup, by whatever means necessary. Bakker lets us know that we should keep a tent in our car and a tent in our house, in case of emergency. Since nobody on the show is asking the obvious question, I will: "If I have a car and a house to sleep in, why would I sleep in a tent?"

This bonehead spent $6,000 on foodbuckets
Jim begins a profile on a Bakker zombie who drove all the way from Chicago to Morningside to buy those yummy foodbuckets that Jim sells. This bozo bought 14 years' worth of foodbucket slop from Jim. Even Jim sounds surprised by it. Either this guy is extremely stupid, or he's pulling a Jim Bakker move and reselling it at a higher price. We see a picture of this dumbass: He's standing outside a minivan of all things, and the entire rear compartment of the minivan is packed with foodbuckets. The vehicle is sitting low to the ground from all the foodbucket weight, and once he and his big wife step inside, it's gonna scrape the ground. Imagine what went on in this guy's head before making the big trip to Morningside? At some point this clown was watching The Jim Bakker Show and told himself, "I'ma buy me some foodbuckets, and I'ma buy 'em big. Oh yeah, Jim gonna 'member me! Hey honey, you think we can fit 56 foodbuckets in back a the van if I take out them rear seats?"

'Yay! More botox!'
Lori's is pleased with the big foodbucket sale as she talks about the guy coming in on a Saturday for the pickup. The total price of the foodbuckets was $6,000, and I believe the money made will likely go to the Botox fund so Lori can head on down to Florida again for some undeserved R&R. Now Mondo is up to praise the big sale. He explains that everyone on staff there loves Jim and 'tries to do whatever Jim asks us to do to make him happy', but he says that they all love the 'partners' even more than Jim. 'Partners' is the term used to describe all the inbreds that buy Jim's crap since it makes them feel like they're part of the show.
"Oh don't say that. Don't tell them..."
Mondo slips up and tells everyone that this guy saved $1400 in shipping costs by driving in for the pickup. Oh boy, Jim didn't like that. Immediately after Mondo mentions the shipping cost, Jim cuts him off and says, "Oh don't say that. Don't tell them..." The camera catches a brief glimpse of Jim with a 'yikes!' look on his face.  Mondo will be getting a good Bakker tongue-lashing after the show, but Jim better take it easy on him. Mondo's the kinda guy that can snap at any minute, he'll take one of those foodbuckets and shove it right up Bakker's ass.

Mystery guest's leg
There's a guest sitting off to the right of the stage. Every now and then I get a glimpse of the person's leg. But we're nearing the 6-minute mark here and Jim still hasn't acknowledged him (or her). And I haven't heard a peep come from the guest. But they're there, and Bakker is completely ignoring him. Or her. It must be very uncomfortable for this person.

Bakker fake vomiting?
Jim talks about traveling 'across America' with Mondo to those areas recently hit by flooding and tornadoes. I don't know if maybe Jim was reading his map wrong, but Missouri, Alabama and Mississippi wouldn't exactly take him 'across America'. It wouldn't take across anything really. But hey, Jim has to make himself look more important than he really is in order to properly deceive people through his voice of authority.
Bakker fake cries like a woman
He talks about being hit by the 'spirit of weeping' on his trip, and we see video of Jim weeping. There's no actual weeping going on, it's just Jim making a dry heave face, scrunching up his eyes and covering his mouth while simultaneously pinching his nose. His eyes are dry as a bone, the least he could do to sell us on the fake crying bit is breathe in the aroma of a freshly chopped onion or something to get them watery.

Another Bakker prediction
The fake crying segment was a preface for Jim to make disaster predictions. Jim's predicting revolution and food riots in America by 2012, citing a nameless economic expert but making clear that it's not fake Dr Larry Bates. Jim makes no mention of his failed June Entombment prediction. 
The forecast for today: Hot with a chance of heat stroke

Then out of the blue, Jim turns to his mystery guest and explodes into an introduction. He welcomes the guest, Bishop Ron Webb (not to be confused with Bishop Don 'Magic' Juan). Bishop Webb seems put-off that Bakker basically ignored him for 6 minutes while he sat up there roasting under the stage lights. And when I say roast, I mean roast. The Bishop is wearing a horrid grape-colored suit with a bordered lapel, and he's wearing a vest underneath...all hugging a thick white undershirt. That's three layers of unbreathable clothing hugging the man's body. Bishop Webb is a little slow on his responses, his eyes don't seem to be tracking well and he awkwardly flails his arms out there every now and then. I think the guy might be exhibiting early signs of heat stroke. He tells Bakker that he thinks God has impregnated Jim with the word...can someone please get this man some water?

A fidgety Bishop Webb grabbing his knees
Jim continues with his disaster discussion. After his food riot prediction, he states that the US economy is worse off than Greece, then asks, "How can we possibly be the most in-debt nation?" Hmm, I don't know Jim, maybe people are wasting money buying foodbuckets and tents from you? Or maybe they've just decided to stop paying their taxes...sound familiar?

Jim turns back to Bishop Ron Webb to include him in the discussion. One of the first signs of heat injury is uncontrollable bowels and diarrhea, and Bishop Webb looks extremely uncomfortable up there. He's grabbing his knees, sitting sideways, and his eyes are starting to glaze and cross. I don't know if anyone else is seeing this, but I am, and I'm growing concerned for the Bishop.

Jim flinches after clearing his throat
Jim announces that he's 'going back over his whole life' for the big 4th of July show, which is amazing considering that I just recapped Jim Bakker's whole life, too. Jim then clears his throat and flinches at whatever came up. About his life, Jim says, "I try to see, what have I done that's eternal?" How about screwing over about a million people on Heritage, USA timeshares? Don't worry Jim, I'm sure there's plenty of people out there who won't forget you

Bakker is now mixing in talk of the apocalypse with talk of abortion. He has a weird on-camera argument with himself when talking abortion: "Four thousand babies die every...they're no, they don't die, they are killed...every day in the United States of America." As he's arguing with himself, he's pulling back and shaking his head. It looks like a little seizure he's experiencing, something I would expect more from the heat-stricken Bishop Ron Webb, not Bakker. Actually, no, I expect it from Bakker too.

'Alright Jim, I'm gonna head my check up front?'
Speaking of  Bishop Webb, my heat injury concerns were unfounded. The guy isn't suffering from heat stroke, he's just a slow adult and the crossed-eyes and awkward style are normal. Even though he's a big suck-up to Jim, the guy looks like he's ready to leave now and collect his check. His body language reminds me of myself when preparing to leave a friend's house: he's sitting forward in the chair and leaning on his knees. The only thing missing are car keys in his hand.

Bakker working into a frenzy
Jim's working himself into a little apocalypse / abortion frenzy. Apocalypse is meant to scare people, abortion is meant to redirect that fear straight into Lori's House money. Jim is criticizing 'money churches', advising pastor's that they need to get off the 'money thing'. We see a shot of Bishop Webb and it looks like he's thinking, "Is this guy for real?" Hypocrite Jim is telling churches to stop asking for money, yet everyone on the set of Morningside knows that this show will end with a huge push for money, and lots of it. The Bakker Snake is a true master of deception.

Jim's up and he's pissed!
Now Jim is speaking in code words. He mentions a 'club' of people that are protecting 'pre-tribulation rapture'. He says they are 'lovely, godly people who will kill you if you disagree with them'. Then he adds, "Some day I am gonna tell the truth....and they will come for me." I think the heat from those stage lamps is getting to Jim now, because I don't know what the hell he's talking about.

Bakker has to squeeze past Webb
Whoa, Jim is up and he's pissed! He just threw down his cue cards and said towards the audience, "Do you people listen to me at all?" Bakker is coming out to the front of the stage, but first he has to squeeze past Bishop Webb's outstretched legs. Now he's up on the stage giving the 12 elderly people in attendance a good tongue-lashing.


I'm not sure where all this anger derives from but he's really going at 'em, Bakker is literally screaming at the top of his lungs. He's telling people not to listen to the gospel of money...ahh, maybe Jim is meeting criticism of himself head-on with a 'damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead!' stategy. Whatever it is, he's up there flapping his arms like a bird. His jacket is buttoned but something weird is going on with the look. Either his pants are too low, the jacket's too tight, or both.

Bakker in mid-flap
He's mixing in fake crying gulps with hoarse shrieking, he's rocking up and down on his legs and the flapping arms are helping him build strength in his lungs. I think Jim Bakker is attempting to fly. The flapping continues, sometimes he's hunched over like a goose running forward into flight, other times he's more like a sea bird jumping straight up into the air.

Jim almost grabbed his nuts for the final flap
One gigantic flap takes his arms straight down to his nuts, and for a second it appeared he was going to grab them for one final thrust towards the sky. And then he stops. He gives a couple baby flaps, but after the big nut flap I think he realized it wasn't happening. Jailbirds were not meant to fly, Jim.

Jim talks about Ricky, his adopted son. He says that Ricky is sitting at home all day playing 'killing' video games nowadays. Ricky, as we know, has completely disappeared from camera view for about a year now because he wasn't walking the Bakker line, and now the kid is playing video games all day. Bakker says he unplugged Ricky's video game system and took it away from him, so now Ricky is forced to hang out at Morningside with all the fat chicks and goobers that he has nothing in common with. His 'dad' is an elderly shyster who sells foodbuckets and thinks he can fly, his 'mom' is a fat plump'in with a brain full of Botox...what's a boy to do if he can't play video games? I'd insert a picture of Ricky, but we haven't seen Ricky in over a year so I can't. But we haven't forgotten you Ricky, hang in there!

A blue tarp. Jim is selling this.
The Bakker Bird wraps up the show with a push for enrollees into the new Valley Walker Club for $500, plus shipping. Membership in this Club gets you two tents, a statue of Jesus, a big blue tarp, a 'Navy Seal' wrist-band, and a signed book written by Lori. It's like a going-out-of-business sale, except that Jim's not going out of business. In fact, business has never been better!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Jim Bakker: This is your life!

'Visit if you'd like to buy my crap'
[Ralph Edwards] Welcome to This Is Your Life, where we recap our special guest's life by bringing in mystery guests from their past. I'm Ralph Edwards, and tonight we welcome on Jim Bakker, defrocked pastor, convicted felon and host of The Jim Bakker Show. I should mention before we get started that Jim has a couple books available for purchase through his website. He also has Silver Sol, Dehydrated Emergency Food, Grab n' Go Backpacks, Magic Healing Wristbands, and Jackoff Flashlights available through his website, Now, let's get started with our first mystery guest!
"Jim confided in me for years. Marriage problems, money issues, everything. Whenever he'd stick his fingers in me, he'd giggle and give me a little kiss on the nose with those weird lips of his. We'd shower together, then he'd sing me a gospel song while he dressed me."

[Jim Bakker] Oh my, this is embarassing...[brow furrows] Is that you Jessica? I've been praying for you.
[Ralph Edwards] Jessica who, Jim?
[Jim Bakker] [coughs through the name] Ha*cough*hn. Hahn.
[Ralph Edwards] No Jim, it's not Jessica Hahn, but it is another lady friend from your past. Let's bring out Susie Moppet, Jim's puppet from CBN!
[Jim Bakker] Ohh...ohhh [begins fake crying]

A rumpled Susie Moppet puppet is brought out to Jim. Jim inserts his hand into Susie and deftly animates the doll. Susie shakes Jim's hand, then they both lean in and rub noses together. Jim tells the audience that he's known Susie for years and thought she'd died in the great CBN puppet apocalypse of 1972.

[Ralph Edwards] Alright Jim, now we're ready for our second mystery guest.
"Jim Bakker and I, we were more than just lovers. We were life partners. I remember the first time we met, he wept uncontrollably in my arms. Our relationship got off to a rocky start; Jim insisted that he liked being alone and wanted to keep things that way. It took a little work, but I eventually convinced him that a man as gentle as Jim Bakker needed a companion to trot through life with. I still remember how he would whimper as we made love."
'Is your face healed up yet, Lori?'
[JB] I know this one [lips curl into that Jim Bakker shyster grin]. Lori! I thought you were in Florida getting your botox injections from Carl "Dr Seychelle" Palmer?
[RE] Oh Jim, have we got a surprise for you. That's not Lori.
[JB] [grins like a child] Oh it isn't? Well I like surprises. [Turns to audience and nods head] Don't you like surprises?
[RE] Jim, it's not Lori behind that curtain...Ladies and gentleman, traveling direct from cell 69 of the Federal Correction Institution in Jessup, GA, it's Jim's prison cellmate, Rodney White!
[JB] Ohh...ohhh [Bakker appears physically ill]

'Not my asshole again!'
Rodney, a large man weighing about 300 lbs, is escorted out by four corrections officers, one on each limb. He's wearing leg-irons and his arms are cuffed in front of him. Bakker shifts uncomfortably in his chair as Rodney shuffles over to him and leans ominously over Jim. Bakker avoids eye contact...that is, until Rodney quickly grabs him by the collar with his cuffed hands. Rodney is heard telling Jim in a hushed voice, "Your ass is mine Bakker." Rodney growls at Bakker, then the guards intervene and hurriedly rush Rodney backstage. Jim is visibly shaken and Ralph Edwards sends us out for a commercial break.

'The Minister's Markup is a flat 200% above our cost.'
As we come back from the break, a composed Bakker is chit-chatting with Edwards about the 'Minister's Markup' he adds to foodbuckets. Bakker is all smiles once again, and Edwards continues.

[RE] Our guest today is Jim Bakker. Alright Jim, let's see who else wants to stop by and say hello!
"Jim always had a certain charm to him. We knew what we were doing was wrong but we couldn't help ourselves. He'd pick me up at bars after taping PTL, we'd have a few drinks, then we'd head to a cheap motel somewhere off the interstate. Yes, it was wrong, but at the time it felt so right. I had a nickname for him...I used to call him my 'little wet noodle'. He loved fact every time I'd say it he'd growl his approval."

'You are a liar David Taggart!'
[JB] [brow furrows, face turns red] These are lies. You are a liar David!
[RE] That's right Jim, it's David Taggart!

David Taggart, Jim Bakker's former assistant, PTL-defendant and rumored gay-lover, prances out from behind the curtain and blows a kiss towards Jim. Taggart tells the audience that prison finished the job that Bakker began on him, and he is now fully transgendered.

[JB] [wagging a bony finger at Ralph Edwards] You take this harlot away from me Ralph! You take him away now!

Taggart blows another kiss towards Bakker and is then politely escorted offstage.  The show enters into commercial break.

'...reminds of Nana Bakker's pot pies'
Returning from the break, Bakker is fake crying while telling the audience how Foodbucket Cacciatore reminds him of his grandmother's fresh-baked chicken pot pies.

[RE] Wow Jim, it's quite a life you've had huh?
[JB] [lips curl into the shyster grin] Yes, it is.
[RE] Would you change anything?
[JB] [ponders question, then curls his lips up] Not a thing.
[RE] [in affectedly-serious tone] Well then, let's bring out your next guest.

"My sodium levels are very high. I'm round and heavy, and inbreds love me at mealtime. I'm overpriced considering my mediocre nature, and truth be told you could do much better for the money. I won't lie though: If the Apocalypse arrived tomorrow, I could feed a family of four...with food to spare."

'Our foodbuckets are better'
[JB] Wow Ralph, you know that sounds a little like those Food For Health dehydrated food buckets you can buy at Costco and Amazon. [Turns to audience and nods head] But you should buy ours instead..our Food For Health foodbuckets are better.
[RE] No Jim, even though this guest is a Costco platinum member, he is not a foodbucket. Let's meet him...Kevin, why don't you come on out!

Kevin Shorey steps out from behind the curtain but his shoe catches on the curtain. A stagehand helps pull the curtain off his shoe, but inadvertently pulls of Kevin's shoe in the process. Kevin, physically unable to bend over and replace his shoe, motions to the stagehand to slip it back on. An exasperated Kevin finally lumbers over to Bakker, whose hands are stuffed deep into his pockets to avoid the pending handshake. The two men stand side-by-side on stage, facing the audience. Jim attempts small talk and asks Kevin how his wife 'Sally' is doing, to which Kevin replies, "Cindy is good, Cindy's good." Jim asks how the kids are doing, to which Kevin replies, "I don't have any kids. Working on it though, hehe [laughs uncomfortably]".

[RE] Okay you two, put a lid on the war stories because we have one more guest ready to walk back into Jim's life. Guest 5, go!
"Jim Bakker is a convicted swindler and cheat. He took millions of dollars from people and used it to pad his own pockets. He's a slimeball and a liar and if he says there will be thunderstorms tomorrow, then I'm packing suntan lotion and flip-flops. He owes a lot of people a lot of money and he should not be trusted with money in any way, shape or form. Frankly speaking, I wouldn't even let the guy wash my car."

'Is it the IRS?' [gasp]
[JB] [eyes widen into saucers, face flushes completely white as Jim shakily whispers to Edwards] Is it the IRS?
[RE] Don't worry Jim, no it's not the IRS. Any other guesses?
[JB] [dry-mouthed and gulping air like a fish, hoarsely replies] No. [Jim looks like he's going to vomit.] No, no more guesses. [Jim dry-heaves through the word 'guesses']
[RE] Alright Jim, well then we've come to the end of the line. Your last guest of the evening, to cap off a long career and an even longer rap-sheet...Ladies and Gentleman, Jesus Christ himself!

'I love this man!'
Jim Bakker begins fake-crying and mouthing a smile. His complexion returns and his mouth instantly lubricates. Jesus begrudgingly floats over to Bakker. Jim hugs him while Jesus' arms remain slack at his sides. As Jim hugs Jesus and fake cries, a camera catches Jim's face. His eyes are wide open and dry while he gasps out the words, "I love this man". Jim pulls away and asks Jesus if he's met Kevin, then turns his back on Jesus and faces toward the audience.

[JB] You know, Jesus tells us in the Bible to 'be prepared'. Are you prepared?