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Friday, August 5, 2011

Jim wrapping up a vacation tan, pushing Seychelle water filters

Jim's been on vacation for a month
Bakker's been on vacation for a month now. I'm pretty sure he filmed all those 50 Years of Deception shows in a week or less, right around the 4th of July. Then he skedaddled off on vacation, apparently unconcerned that there will be no more corn in the United States come August. In that time we've been forced to watch Philip Cameron feeling up on his Moldovan girls while pleading for more money to build Stella's House. Bakker gave him yet another $100k, so now Cameron has $200k for Stella's House. How much could it possibly cost to build an orphanage in Moldova?

I had hoped Bakker would be back at work this week but he's not. He's still on vacation. The good news is that he tore himself away from his margarita just long enough to check in for a few minutes each day before rolling repeats of old Carl 'Dr Seychelle' Palmer episodes.
'Excuse me sir, are you lost?'

On Monday, Jim tells us that he and Lori are 'taking a few days off and resting' at what he calls 'the cabin'. He's got a nice little tan working and he's wearing a rayon floral print shirt, but it looks like he forgot to shave as there's a whitish glow around his froggy lips and chin. If he weren't Jim Bakker, I might mistake him for an elderly, drunken vagrant from Florida who gets day work opening doors at a local hotel. Bakker wastes no time getting to the point, giving us some unverifiable doom-and-gloom news stories ranging from droughts and floods to the liquidation of Borders Bookstores.

Jim shouldn't be out in this heat
These lead into his big sales push for Seychelle Water Pitchers. Jim points out that it's '120 degrees' outside, while he moves into a news story about drought in Somalia. Jim admonishes the viewers to 'get ready', because 'serious times are here'. Meanwhile in the cool air-conditioning of 'the cabin', the ice cubes in Bakker's unblended margarita clink as they melt down into the glass. If Jim is so concerned about getting ready for these serious times, why has he taken a month off on vacation?

"BURP!"
Tuesday and it's Jim again in the same shirt. Bakker once more opens up with an excuse for why he's been on vacation for so long: he's taking a few days off before he starts 'the next 50 years' of deception in ministry. If he doesn't get out of that heat, I don't think he's gonna make it another 50 minutes. He rehashes the same scary stories as Monday, and now he has a water pitcher full of ice cubes for demonstration. Bakker tells us that "ice can be the most contaminated product that you put in your body", then fumbles and mumbles about the reasons why. The heat looks brutal out on that deck. There are trees in the background but I don't detect even a hint of wind moving through them. Jim pours his hot ass a nice cold glass of water and sort of chuckles while he does it. I can't deny that Jim is really, really hot out there. I can see the wheels of his mind turning as he's pouring that ice cold water into his cup: "Ahhhh, delicious ice cold water on a hot day...thy cup runneth over." He takes a drink right on camera, then gives us a look as if he's going to burp.

'You don't put the water in the bottom you waterhead!'
Wait Jim, don't drink that! Don't you know that those terribly contaminated ice cubes are still unfiltered? You don't place them inside the pitcher, you place them in the plastic container above the pitcher and let them drain down through the filter. Your ice cubes are not even being filtered, ya dumb waterhead (Jim's word, not mine).

"Wow, what a heat wave we're having!"
Wednesday and Bakker greets us with, "Welcome to today's broadcast. Wow, what a heat wave we're having!" He says this almost joyously, because Jim Bakker knows that heat = death = love gifts = $. As he says 'heat wave', he touches his brow in a completely phony gesture of exasperation. He's burning up out there but he loves every minute of it since it'll bring more money into his webbed hands. He's wearing the same shirt, except now it's starting to show signs of perspiration. It's painfully obvious that he's filming these all on the same day, probably within the same half-hour. In fact, the ice-filled pitcher (and completely drained cup) from Tuesday's opener are right there on the rail next to Jim, and the ice hasn't even melted yet. Come on Jim, at least change your shirt man.

Jim would turn it up to 150 degrees if he could
Thursday and yep, same shirt. Now Jim's holding the cup, and rightfully so because it's blistering out there. Bakker is literally baking in the sun. He gives us another quick excuse about needing to take a rest after 50 years of television, then it's off to the races with Seychelle leading the pack. The offer this week has been a 2-for-3 on water pitchers for $120 plus shipping. Good grief, Jim must be moving thousands of these things. Jim tells us that the most important love gifts he's ever given besides his 'parallel bibles' are the Seychelle Water Filtration Pitchers. He then takes another good long drink of water and rasps out, "It's a hundred and twenty degrees where I'm sitting right now." Jim, for god's sake, why are you standing out there in the heat baking your brain? Go inside where it's air conditioned, you dolt.

Cup on top of pitcher = let's wrap this up
Friday. Jim has wilted before our eyes under the angry Missouri sun. He's had to take a seat now in a chair on the deck. His shirt is becoming splotchier from the perspiration and he's slumping over a little while bracing himself with his arms. The cup is on top of the water pitcher, signifying to me that Jim told Lori, 'We'll shoot this last little segment, then it's a wrap.' Of course, dehydrated Jim can't stop himself from taking in one more gulp of that ice water. The guy is making me thirsty now.

"Mmm. Cool, clear, water."
He swallows the water down his gullet then announces, "Mmm. Cool, clear, water." As he drinks his water down, his tongue sort of clicks around in his mouth. The thing has probably swelled up from extreme thirst; if Bakker doesn't end this nonsense soon I think he's gonna start panting like a dog to radiate away his body's excess heat.

Jim rehashes all the earlier doom and gloom news as a capper. He focuses on Somalia and tells us that we should start sending Seychelle water pitchers to people in "Africa and all the other places", explaining that they could get water from the sky or even 'a dirty contaminated creek'. That's one of the more retarded things I think I've ever heard Jim Bakker say. Of course, he goes on to tell us that we should have them too.

Jim Bakker's frog legs, revealed.
 Now the camera pulls back to reveal Jim's froggy little legs. There's actually a stripe on the inseam of his pants that make his legs look amphibian. Bakker finishes up as he always does with a recap of products for sale.


As a footnote, if you really feel the need to buy a Seychelle Water Filtration Pitcher, shop elsewhere and get them cheaper. And if you have the choice, don't even buy Seychelle. After all, the guy is in the mix with Jim Bakker. Is that someone you would trust with your hard-earned money?

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

So Uncle Jim gave Daddy Phil $200K. Since Jim says that he would give Phil 1/3 of the money brought in and Lori's house another 1/3, that means this convicted swindler received over $600K from people who know his past but are completely ignoring it. Amazing!
Mr M

Anonymous said...

I think the IRS would like to know about all this money changing hands through Jim Bakker.

Anonymous said...

Good pictures of me!!
James

Anonymous said...

james, still waiting for you to tell us why your mother and uncle wont be on the show or visit his new ministry. what do they know they we dont?

Anonymous said...

James:

After you are finished answering the questions posed to you on both this and the other Bakker blog site please take a moment to answer my questions. My first question to you is this:

What do you have to say about the many multiple incidents of homosexuality which have been extremely well documented, right down to the various parties names, that your grandfather was involved in illicit homosexual affairs with?

Do you think this is Biblical? Are you proud of your grandfather for acting, as a supposed man of God, in such a fashion?

Are you aware of all the problems these gay affairs caused your family? And finally, are YOU gay yourself? If you are not, then please give us your take on a so-called minister who acts married (to a woman) on TV and in real life is having sex with men who work for him?

Something tells me you will never answer my questions. I really cannot blame you if you don't. It would make me sick to my stomach to think of my grandfather doing that too--and then having the nerve to go back on TV and funnel money through relatives so he can start living the high life all over again.

NEDZO said...

HMMMM!! Do you really think that is James Chapman, Mr. Bakker's Grandson Posting here & at the other Blog???
I don't think so!!
It's an IMPOSTER!!! He needs help "NOW" BECAUSE "I CARE".

Anonymous said...

Jim has a nice taste of JEANS...it's very in trend.
Mama San

Anonymous said...

Yes James...Answer those questions NOW
because I CARE too!

Anonymous said...

Will the real James Chapman
please stand up!

Anonymous said...

looks like Jim is reporting from his lake home. I Guess that's going to be Lori's house. (ha,ha) Thanks to everyone who gave to this worthwhile cause!!!!! lol

Anonymous said...

Sounds like mama San wants to get into those jeans of Jim's. (ewwww, what a nasty thought) but, like I've said in other postings these Bakker fans are creepy people.

Nedzo said...

Say James Chapman, if that is you????
Did Grandpa Bakker get rid of your brother or did he just get sick of all the BULL crap???
Maybe Big Boob Grandma Lori gave him some crap??
Also, tell us why your Mom & Uncle Jay never go on the show????
Seems kind of STRANG that neither were there for The Reverend's 50th Anniversary of ripping the flock off???
What's up with that???

Anonymous said...

Let's make that 45 years instead of 50--since 5 of them were spent cleaning toilets in the big house!

Nedzo said...

Just checked out The REV's website & I see that Kevin Shorey is scheduled to be on the show today!! It's probably a RERUN??? Will have to wait & see. By the way, Check out the REVS NEW LOOK on his site!!! Gonna call him Jim "THE WEIRD BEIRD BAKKKKKKKKKER!! LOL

Nedzo said...

Dam!! It was another REPEAT!!! The Rev & The Mrs. REV must be enjoying their Vacation at the new LORI'S House on the lake!!
His shows have been REPEATS since the 4th of July shows!!
I was hopeing to see the REV with his new WEIRD BEIRD!! Oh well, I guess I'll have to wait!!
Where O Where have you gone Kevin??? LOL!!

Gary McDonald said...

Once again, Holy Christ! What the Hell is wrong with this Mother Fletcher! He wears hats indoors and no hat outdoors! I think all that prison lovin' affected his mind. 'Flip' Cameron is no more building a house in Moldova as I'm sailing on a yacht I don't own. And Jimbutt looks like the vagrants you would see on Skid Row downtown. Have some personal pride man and pickup a razor! And are you including some of those blue cups free with each purchase or charging for them, too? One more observance. In eight of the ten photos, there's a teal plastic sprinkler flower can that continually moves. Well, until next time...

Anonymous said...

That teal plastic sprinkler flower can is actually filled with snake oil !!!

LOL LOL LOL LOL

The IRS said...

Sure enough, Jailbird Jim is on vacation again this week so there's really nothing for me to cover for the week. Stay tuned though, I'll be posting new non-show coverage this weekend.

Anyone else find it interesting that Jim wears the expensive designer jeans on vacation, but not on the show?

Anonymous said...

jesus lord i hope you got to see show number 2 with cindy jacobs. absolutely THE best jim bakker show ever. it showed here in canada last night. shes crzier than jim. plus at one point she pulled jim up out of his seat to prophesize and jim started speaking in tongues and it just gave cindy the giggles. she actually came "out of character" and laughed and laughed at jim speaking in tongues. it was like an actress breaking character. she had had enough of all the fake shit and just started laughing. Too f. funny. also last night jim was showing us his personal drawings of the bathhouse. hes some kind of obsessed with this bathhouse. kevin was on last night and he even made a joke about jim being the first ministry ever to sell keys to a bathroom. this cracked lori up but jim wasnt happy. cindy also prophesized over mondo and tried to speak a little spanish. this cracked me up. BEST SHOW EVER. havent laughed that hard in years. you gotta give us a recap.

Anonymous said...

plus let me add this jewel that came out of jim's mouth last night. he said that those who didnt get to use their time-share condos at heritage usa can now come to morningside and live in one those cheap tents he's selling and they can use the bathhouse. thats a fair deal right? instead of 25 years of vacation at a condo in south carolina you can live in a tent in missouri! nevermind the frigid winters and hot humid summers, youll always have Jim's Bath House.

Anonymous said...

What is a ex con who went to prison for extorting money and owing the IRS a lot of money doing in designer jeans? Why does he and Lori have nice new cars, fancy clothes, a fancy condo, lake home etc. etc. Am I the only one troubled about this?

Anonymous said...

Have one of these water pitchers. They don't work well. Have city water and after filtering it still smells and tastes like chlorine! The replacement filters are expensive. Not worth buying especially from Jim Baker!

The IRS said...

Drat! I already deleted the televised shows this week since they were all repeats, but if you're talking about the stream I'll be able to capture it next week when it televises (I think he's on a week delay from live tape to broadcast). That Cindy Jacobs is nuts, she looks like an old sorceress from an 80s fantasy movie. Hopefully the episode repeats for me, it does sound like a classic.

Anonymous said...

these two episodes with cindy jacobs were filmed on july 12-13 of this year. so i think they were not repeats. so full of good stuff. i thought of another "phrophesy". miss jacobs phrophesized that the babies born in lori's house will be raised in orphanages right next to lori's house and will grow up to work at morningside in the "ministry". really? sounds more like slavery than ministry.

Anonymous said...

I watch Jim Bakker only via the internet but what I have noticed that on my episodes he does not pray or read the bible. Is this a Christian based show?

The IRS said...

He uses his bible as a sales manual. "Hmm, which verse should I use to sell water filters?"

Bakker zombies aren't Christians, they're Bakkins.

The IRS said...

You know Anonymous, come to think of it I think you already did a great job recapping that missing Cindy Jacobs episode. Pretty funny stuff. Jim is bound to replay it so I'll give it my best shot if it comes around again.

-The IRS

Anonymous said...

I feel sorry for you. satan has got you on his list of good friends. I will pray that you see the light, and see what you are doing is so wrong before the end of time comes. You are so deceived, and my heart aches to read the things you are saying. IF you would go back and check, Pastor Jim Bakker was completely exonerated of the charges against him, and the judge who helped with the conviction the fist time lost his job. The Bible tells us in no uncertain terms: In 1stChronicles 16:22--"Touch not mine anointed, and do my prophets no harm." Psalms 105:15 says exactly the same thing. You may now be enjoying what you are writing, but God has warned us against doing exactly what you are doing. I hope you'll give up on running the Bakker family into the ground while God still shows you mercy. He is a Good God and loves you anyway, but His tolerance for things like this will not continue forever. Just trying to do a duty as a Christian and pray for your eyes to be opened.