Jim Bakker still wearing beard disguise, welcomes on Dr Sherlock Bally

Koala Bear or Jim Bakker?

The show opens this morning with Zach announcing. This kid has nowhere near the announcing chops that Kevin Shorey had. They've dumped him in there to fill Shorey's shoes, and let me tell you, those are big shoes to fill....probably wider than they are long. He tries to project a powerful voice when he welcomes on Jim Bakker, but I can tell he's struggling. Ahh, the sad life of a eunuch.

Jim Bakker or Koala Bear?

Bakker is wearing his beard disguise again. He looks like a cuddly old Koala bear, much improved over the clean-shaven amphibian look. I imagine him sticking up banks with that beard though, walking in to the Bank of Branson with a painted water pistol and a gym bag:

Bakker: "Empty the register and nobody gets hurt."
Bank Teller: "Hey, aren't you Jim Bakker?"
Bakker: "Just...no...hey empty the register, will ya? You wanna taste lead? [motions toward water pistol]"
Teller: "Mr Bakker, that pistol is full of water."
Bakker: "[blinks]..........[runs away]"

The sad fact of the matter is that Jim doesn't need a gun for his brand of stealing. He's trying to disguise himself under that beard, but he's still ugly old Jim Bakker. A toad doesn't change it's warts.

Dr Sherlock Bally eats at the local soup kitchen

Jim's guest all week has been a sleazy-looking character who goes by the name 'Dr Sherlock Bally'. This guy is no more a doctor than Jim is a preacher, and I don't believe for a minute that his real name is 'Sherlock Bally'. The guy looks like he just came from a soup kitchen. In his prime, he was probably a used car salesman going by the name 'Crazy Larry' who lost his job after selling one-too-many lemons. Now he's back selling lemons again, just under a different name.

Crazy Larry began the week in his free soup kitchen garb: Oversized blue rayon shirt, oversized black slacks, shirt untucked. Gee, thanks for dressing up Sherlock. Jim announced him as "One of my best friends...in the ministry". In over three years of watching the Bakker show, I've never seen or heard of Dr Sherlock Bally. And now he's one of Bakker's best ministry friends? Wow, I guess Jim makes friends quick...probably something he learned in prison.

Crazy Larry thinking about his clothing choice for tomorrow

As we progressed later in the week, Dr Crazy Larry Bally changed out of his soup kitchen garb and into his car salesman power outfit: All purple. Purple shirt, purple pants. I can't see his shoes, but they may as well be purple. If they were any other color, they'd stick out like a sore thumb. Wait, aren't sore thumbs also purple? Damn, this guy's good...

Crazy Larry's hair is thinning up top, and he loves talking with his hands. When the guy begins one of his fast-talking rants, he's constantly using his hands and fingers to mesmerize the Bakker zombies watching at home. He's like a snake charmer with these hand movements. Correction: he is a snake charmer. After all, he charmed Bakker enough to get on his show.

'You will give your money to...Jim Bakker.' Muhahaha!

I originally thought that 'Dr Sherlock Bally' was Indian or Pakistani. However, Jim and Lori stated that he hails from Trinidad. If you hadn't already noticed, Trinidad is spawning a whole lot of these fast-talking weirdos that speak gibberish, using strange terms like 'divine intercessor' and coincidentally all awarding themselves the title of 'Doctor'. Crazy Larry is a real fast-talker too, Jim makes mention of how much he loves that Bally speaks quickly, but he can still understand everything perfectly. That's Bakker code-speak for 'this guy isn't working out'. Jim's elderly viewers are probably sitting at home cross-eyed while Crazy Larry is babbling on. But I don't know, maybe the wild gesticulating makes up for his rambling and actually hypnotizes the pea-brained Bakker zombies at home? "I..must..give..money....to...Jim...Bakker."

Jim says through a fake sob: "You cannot love God!"

Jim spent most of the week talking to Crazy Larry about hypocrites and deceivers in the church, and the love of money which permeates everything. This is real easy for Jim Bakker because he only has to describe himself. He talks about "men being caused to believe a lie" and people within the church seeking "filthy lucre". That's you, Jim Bakker. He goes on to say that man cannot love both God and money. Bakker gasps as he fake sobs, "You cannot love God!" This is the height of hypocrisy for Bakker, since he'll be hawking foodbuckets and Lori's House donations within 10 minutes. And every turd on that set knows it. They know it, they profit from it, and they perpetuate Bakker's lies in order to keep all that filthy lucre coming in.

Jim Bakker making it rain!

Bakker grabs a few dollar bills and tells an absurd fake story about attending a service where the pastor tells people that they shouldn't give money to the poor, but instead should give it to the rich. He then states that people began stuffing dollars into this pastor's pockets. This is Jim's cue to 'make it rain'. Bakker then takes a few dollar bills and starts stuffing them in Crazy Larry's collar! The guy is frozen with shock, he doesn't know what to do as Bakker accosts him so he just sits very still and glares at Bakker while thinking, 'Are you out of your frickin' mind?' Like he would a stripper in Vegas, Bakker works those bills into every little crevice he can find. Crazy Larry got one in the shirt collar, one in the shirt sleeve, and then a free-floater on his shoulder just for being a good girl. Bakker does this kind of crap on purpose to feed his own ego. He likes to emasculate men who appear on his show, to set the tone so they know who the boss is. He did it to Philip Cameron a few times and now he's doing it to Dr Sherlock Bally. Do you think Jim would do this to the Morningside head honcho, Jerry Crawford? No way, no-sirree-bob, because Jim knows that Jerry's the boss. You don't make a mockery of the boss.

Jim's getting fired up about Ricky's video games again

Jim says he 'raised a lot of money' in his day, but neglects to tell us that he also 'illegally misused a lot of money' in his day. Now Jim's getting fired up about the 'vidya games' again. He did this a few weeks ago too, and I'll tell you that this whole angry tirade about video games is really about Ricky. I haven't seen Jim's 'son' Ricky in ages, I'm pretty sure he was replaced by Jim's actual blood, the young froglet James. It sounds like Ricky was banished from the show because he wasn't obeying Jim's orders to steal, and now Ricky is vamanos. Poor Ricky, I liked that kid. Good-looking, bright-eyed kid, smiling all the time. It wasn't his choice to be 'adopted' by Lori and Jim, and as we can see, he's not playing their real-world thieving games with them. Instead, he's playing make-believe killin' games, and Jim is not having any of it. But let's be honest Jim: You're not angry about the game, you're angry about Ricky. Ricky needs to get in line with everyone else, and he's not doing it. That sound about right, Jim? Hang in there Ricky!

"I wish to God I didn't have to raise any money, before God I wish I didn't." Then don't, Jim. You don't have to, nobody is forcing you. Just preach and stop asking for money. Problem solved! See how easy it is?

No Jim, why don't YOU be the antichrist?

We get some nonsense spilling out of Dr Sherlock Bally's mouth, then it's back to Jim for doom and gloom coverage. A little EU economic news, global food shortages, then Jim talks Antichrist. He tells Zach, "You be the Antichrist...look pompous." Zach tries to change his demeanor, but he actually looks exactly the same as he always looks. He doesn't look pompous, he looks constipated. Jim is very difficult to follow in this segment, even after repeating it a few times to take some snapshots of ugly Jim, it's still hard to comprehend what in the hell he was trying to say. The important thing is that he elbow-checked Lori on camera to wake her out of a daze, then he exclaimed to the crowd, "Duh! Duh!" As a capper to Bakker's babbling, a graphic appeared on screen for the $3000 Time of Trouble foodbuckets.

I think Jim's losing his mind

I think Jim's losing his marbles. He's saying things like, "Things have to happen to cause other things to happen". He refers to Noah's Ark: "The Flood had to float the boat, but the Flood killed the people." He starts whining like a little kid, but again it's incoherent and impossible to decipher.

Jim poured water on the table

Whoops, hold on, this one came through loud and clear: "You can't tell me what to preach. You've already put me in prison once." Ain't that the truth! And hopefully, we'll do it again Jim. Now Jim's moving into abortion talk, and I mean a lot of abortion talk. Not women's abortion, mind you, but men's abortion. He's talking about men who have driven women to have abortions. Jim's takes his coffee mug and pours out water on the table in front of him. Then he takes his hands and sort of slaps the water with his fingers. He calls this a 'puddle of tears', then gives us all a little fake crying for effect. For the last few minutes, Bakker seemed to fade in and out of coherency. I wonder if maybe Jim was bitten by a rabid bat when he was out at his lake home on his month-long vacation?

Was Jim bitten by a rabid animal at the lake home?

Now Jim says he hates the word happy. From there he hits marriage, saying the bible doesn't guarantee happiness in marriage. The guy is all over the map today. All the while, different graphics appear on screen for various Jim Bakker Show products. That's a new thing I hadn't seen before. Normally they wait for Jim to lead into product sales, but now they're just running them real-time as the Bat-Bitten Bakker rambles on.

Crazy Larry's silly snake arms have minds of their own

 Crazy Larry has been tapped in. He's looking right at the camera, fast-talking us while simultaneously attempting to hypnotize us with his hands. His voice is very deep, perhaps it serves as a sort of background noise to open pathways deep in our brains while we watch the hand show before us? The guy's like a big fat purple mime that you'd see down on Venice Beach performing for quarters. He's booming away about something or other, but his hands and arms are the focus. This guy is not meant for tv. Maybe this crap works at a pulpit, but when he's on camera he's a headache to watch.

His arms literally have minds of their own. One shoots left [kaping!], the other shoots right [kapow!]. Sometimes they both come together in front and obscure his face and mouth. They're like silly snakes attached to his shoulders, doing whatever they damn well please.

Jim arm-checking Lori earlier in the show

It appears that Crazy Larry tapped himself in, because Jailbird Jim looks none-to-pleased with his ramblings. Dr Sherlock has sort of shrunk back into his chair because he knows he shouldn't have started up without Jim's explicit consent. Jim starts right back from where he was before he was so rudely interrupted. He's back on marriage, and now he is saying that marriage has happiness but divorce is really what he meant to criticize earlier. Man, between Jim's crazy-making and Dr Sherlock Bally's Amazing Electric-Purple Hand Show, I am exhausted. It's nearly impossible to make sense of everything that's being discussed here. Thankfully, simpleton Lori takes over, and what she's saying comes through loud and clear: Twenty bucks gets you Sherlock Bally's book and dvd set. I'll say one thing about Crazy Larry: the guy comes cheap. Typical book and dvd guests are charging $50 or more, but this guy is cut-rate. Lori makes an open plea for people to buy his crap, and as we all know, people will. I'll be interested to see if the guy comes back more than once though. I believe he's slated for another spot in mid-September, but that's probably already booked and signed and Jim can't weasel out of it now. I want to see if one of Jim's 'best friends in the ministry' is welcomed back for a third appearance.

Bat, raccoon, werewolf...some dirty critter bit Jim Bakker.

The last half of the show has Jim making his push for foodbuckets and his new giant green water barrels. You are such a liar, Jim Bakker. You tell people to 'get ready', you make them fearful with your scary stories, yet you take their money and do what with it? You build obnoxious, unnecessary buildings. You build Lori's House. You build Stella's House. You invite misguided fat kids to Master's Media [formerly Master's Commission], charging them $8000 each fake 'semester' so they can run your expensive television cameras for free. They pay you, Jim, but you don't pay them. Then when they can no longer afford your irrelevant school, as I suspect has happened to kids like Trystan Eschette, Charlette Wintercorn and the others, you kick them out. Why do you not buy the same shit that you're shoveling? Shouldn't you be stocking up on foodbuckets instead of building RV Parks and bathhouses? The world is ending Jim Bakker, these are the end times, isn't that right? Why are you building? Why is Philip Cameron building? Is it because you always need a building project to keep your dirty money flowing in?