Dr Gary Smalley gives marriage advice, Bakker stays mum on Hahn

'I just made a million dollars last week selling space food!'

We see Jim this morning and it looks like the guy is going to explode. He has a big Cheshire Cat grin on his face and is clenching his fists as he screams out a big welcome to the camera. If we could get a good closeup, I bet we'd see big dollar signs in his eyeballs from the previous week's foodbucket marathon. Recession? What recession?

Jim's wearing a motorcycle jacket that Lori must have ordered from her Macy's catalog. I'm certain that the catalog model looked nothing like Jim. The man Lori saw wearing that jacket was likely tall, dark and handsome, with a clear conscience and no criminal record. Contrast that with the stark reality of Jim Bakker: A short, ugly ex-con who wears shoe lifts and resembles a frog. A sexed-up frog of unknown sexual orientation, who likes to bang church secretaries and hang out in steam rooms with other men. The only thing Jim Bakker would've had in common with that catalog model are his big ol' capped teeth. Well, that and the jacket that they're now both wearing.

Bakker fooling old people into thinking that this is his Star

The show today is about marriage, which explains the jacket. Lori is about 20 years younger than Jim, so she's gotta dress the guy up in something contemporary to pretend to herself that he's a viable man that other women lust for. It's probably the only way Lori can bare to look at the guy without laughing in his face.

Jim starts off the marriage show talking about his big marketing trip to LA to hang with the Winans sisters while they received the star they paid for on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. If we had no audio and had to decipher the trip through the images Jim is flashing on-screen, we would think he's the one who received the star. There's Jim and Lori in front of 'their star' taking a photo. And there's Bakker, on-stage with BeBe Winans at a concert. At every opportunity, Bakker is cramming his ugly mug in with the Winans so he can gain access to their fans while also deceiving his own.

Jim Bakker and the Winans Sisters

 Are the Winans so stupid that they don't realize Jim is trying to legitimize himself by being seen in public with them? Don't they realize that this is the same man who once sold EMF Neutralizer Stickers and Magical Strength Bracelets on his show? The same saleshound who sells Sleep Bands on his website for $50? BeBe and CeCe Winans, you are fools. Or maybe you're in on the racket...After all, BeBe was once arrested for domestic violence and CeCe is an admitted best friend of Mega-Kook Whitney Houston. Sometimes the cleanest-looking people are the ones who secretly don't wipe their ass. With all this public support for the Bakker Snake, I can only assume that if you get close enough to the Winans Sisters, you'll find out that they smell like shit.

Someone gave Gary Smalley an honorary doctorate

Marriage Expert Dr Gary Smalley is one of Bakker's guests today, but he's not really a doctor unless you count honorary degrees as official. I found evidence online suggesting that he's a bit of a pseudo-scientific quack, which may explain why he doesn't have or couldn't get an actual doctorate. Aside from the phony doctorate issue, I can also confirm that the fake Dr Gary Smalley is a salesman extraordinaire. I visited the guy's website and in two seconds was hit with the largest advertising banner I think I've ever seen on the internet. I literally had to lean back from my computer screen to read it. I know the guy wants to make money, but Jesus man you can make things a little less conspicuous?

Moose Bakker and her husband, Mr Bland

The other guests for today are Jim and Lori's fake daughter Maricela and her big-beaked husband, John. Maricela is Jim and Lori's second-fattest daughter, and I think the second-oldest. It seems that these girls get fatter with age, which I suppose is acceptable to an extent provided there is an upper limit to their weight. The problem is that I don't think there's an upper limit. It doesn't appear to me that this moose will ever plateau and level off, she's just getting bigger and bigger with each passing day. Her husband with the big beak can't be happy with this.

Mr Bland's nose is a perfect triangle

Maricela's husband, Mr Bland, is completely unremarkable as a human other then the fact that he has a schnoz shaped like a perfect triangle. If I were mugged by this kid and had to tell the police what he looked like, I'd say that he looked like every other person I've seen in my life, except for that nose. In profile, you can't miss him.

[Detective] "Now sir, I want you to look at each person in the lineup and tell me who robbed you.
[Me] "Can you have them turn sideways please? I need to see them in profile."
[Detective instructs lineup to face left] "Okay sir, do you recogni..."
[Me] "Number three. That's him."

Didn't I just eat her for Thanksgiving?

Jim asks the newlyweds if they've had any fights since they've been married. They have. What could they possibly fight about in such a short amount of time, if not Moose's weight? Did she stink up the toilet without spraying? Maybe they brushed shoulders while walking past each other in the kitchen and Mr Bland took offense? The guy must be on edge 24/7 with all that extra beef in the house. Imagine how suffocating it must be to share air with that blimp?

The growing problem in this marriage is self-evident. It's Maricela's weight. I wonder if marriage expert fake Dr Gary Smalley will touch on this today?

Gary...is that you?

Now it's time for Gary Smalley to get on the mic. This guy reminds me an awful lot of the space-faring cult leader, Marshall Applewhite. Remember the guy that wanted to hitch a ride on a spaceship he thought was flying behind the Hale-Bopp comet? Perhaps Mr Applewhite actually did make contact with the spacecraft, then flew back in time and came back to earth as Gary Smalley?

Gary Smalley describing alien worlds

Dr Smalley has a habit of looking up into his brain while he's speaking on-camera. As a client, it must be a bit disconcerting as it makes you wonder if he really knows what he's talking about or if he's making it up as he goes along. Lucky for him Dr Smalley doesn't have to wing it, as Bakker, Lori, Moose and Mr Bland each have copies of his book open to prompt the fake doctor along as he offers his sage advice. Shouldn't they all have bibles open instead?

It's funny to hear a guy with a fake doctorate give advice on marriage and relationships. He doesn't have a real degree, yet he decides to use the fake title to trick people into thinking he's qualified to counsel them. Shouldn't someone be counseling him on his need to deceive people through the use of fake titles?

[Fake Dr Gary Smalley] "So Ron, let's talk about you."
[Me] "No, Gary...Let's talk about you."

A bloated Bakker Zombie imagines what marriage is like

Bakker tells us that Mr Bland is the perfect husband for his daughter. Wait, but isn't Jim's real daughter Tammy Sue? Maricela is not Jim's daughter, she's just the girl that Jim claims to have adopted and now exploits to sell product. Case in point: This show. These poor kids never had a chance. Think of how bizarre it must be for them to live with their adoptive Mommy and Daddy, a wombless former crackhead and an ex-con who rips off old ladies for a living. Want to head to the mall with your friends today? Nope, Mommy Lori needs you on the show so she can exploit you while you sell her garbage. Meanwhile, bright-and-shiny teenager Ricky is being given orders by Papa Jim, a 71 year-old man who wears motorcycle jacket and 'I CARE' caps. Remember when Old Man Bakker had Ricky coloring in foodbucket sales-thermometers for the show? Don't you think Ricky would rather be tossing a football around? Sorry Ricky, sorry girls. You do not exist in this life to serve yourselves...you exist to serve Jim and Lori.

Jim Bakker's cheatin' heart: 'They never let go of it!'

Speaking of Tammy Sue, Jim gets in a little jibe towards her mother, Tammy Faye. That's the woman with whom Jim built his PTL empire. That's the woman who gave birth to Jim's actual children. She's the ex-wife, now deceased, that Jim never, ever mentions by name. Today, Jim insults her.

"I know marriages that are hellish. And a man has made a mistake, 50 years ago, 20 years ago, 10 years ago. And every argument, she brings up, 'You cheated on me with that woman!' or you did this back there, and they never let go of it! And it is poison isn't it doctor?"

Hey Bakker, remember this one?

Jim's talking about Jessica Hahn. He cheated on Tammy Faye with his church secretary, then paid her a couple hundred thousand dollars of ministry money to keep quiet. He's rumored to have cheated on her with other women as well, and possibly men. Yet in Jim Bakker's ego-driven la-la-land, he believes that he did nothing wrong. That's plain to see in the way he formed this question. You did very wrong Jim. First and foremost, you cheated on your wife. Secondly, the woman you cheated with was your impressionable young subordinate. Then you took money donated to you for ministry purposes and you paid her with it.

An eager Bakker Zombie, awaiting orders from her master

You didn't learn then, and you aren't learning now. You're turning the tables, making your ex-wife the bad person in this retelling of a well-known tale. By the same narcissistic reasoning, you don't think you're doing anything wrong today by taking peoples' money through fear-mongering and scare tactics. And when you go to prison again, you still won't accept responsibility for your immoral actions. When your cellmate orders you to 'assume the position', you'll scream out like a hysterical woman, 'Why are they doing this to me!!??' You're doing it to yourself, Jim. Go be a real preacher. Get a real job. Stop conning people out of their money. Otherwise, take it like a man.

Gary Smalley spots a bird up in the rafters

Dr Comet is holding a grape in his hand and comparing it to a pumpkin to illustrate the difference between men and women's emotions. Honestly, I'm not able to follow the guy very well because he keeps looking up into his brain. Has one of Sasha's birds gotten loose inside Morningside, and Smalley is trying to avoid being hit by poop? Has mega-turd Larry Bates been spotted with a jetpack strapped to his back, hovering around up near the ceiling looking for corn? Or maybe Smalley is looking up to the heavens for spaceships and comets like his previous human incarnation, Marshall Applewhite? Talk to me Doctor, please tell me what you see? Quick Jim, give him one of your tinfoil hats so he can try and make contact!

Lori Graham Bakker: 'SCREEEEEEECH!'

So now Lori says that every time she receives a wedding invitation, she sends people a copy of some guy named Mark Gungor's comedy dvd. Considering that Jim and Lori were recently promoting legendary comedian Yackov Smirnoff's show in Branson, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say Mark Gungor probably isn't that funny. Regardless, the point here is that Lori tells us that she sends this guy's dvd to newlyweds, which one would assume means 'free'. Two minutes later, Jim and Lori are introducing the Couples Special Offer: Gungor's dvd plus a copy of Smalley's book, all for the low price of $100, plus shipping. That's a lot of Rubles, eh Yackoff? What a country!

Yakov Smirnoff: Still not funny

Jim is hawking Smalley's book for $20. Lori's giving the dvd away for free to newlyweds. How do we get to $100 from there? Even online, Smalley's book is twelve bucks and Dungor's side-splitting comedy dvd is a whopping thirty-eight dollars. That's not even wholesale, that's with Amazon's markup. Holy crap, Bakker's marking this stuff up 100%!  Mr Smirnoff, please reserve two seats in the VIP section for one Mr and Mrs Jim Bakker.

Looks like I jumped the gun on the Couples Special, because now Jim's adding in all the extra stuff he's trying to get rid of: A Bible, a Lori Locket, Jesus Dogtags, and a Kevin Shorey cd. Ooooh, I think an inbred's holiday shopping is already done!

Jim and Lori faking it for the camera

Jim's getting a little disgusting with Lori. Twice now he's gone in to put his arm around her shoulder or hold her hand while speaking in a googly voice. It's very unnatural. It would look more Bakker-esque if Jim offered Lori some money first before making his move. It'd be more natural for Lori too.

We hear a little bit more from the odd-couple, Moose and Mr Bland. Moose tells us that she's issued orders to her husband: Every Friday night, they'll be heading to a coffee house to read a book together. Wow, fun. How exactly does a person share a book with another? Are they reading comic books? I'd love to see how this works:

[Moose] "Hey turn the page, I'm done."
[Mr Bland] "Hold on, I still have a couple paragraphs left. And can you stop talking please, I can't read when you're talking to me."
[Moose folds arms, places head on Mr Bland's shoulder]
[Mr Bland, perturbed] "Okay honey...now you're breathing on me."

Smalley/Applewhite working the controls of his spaceship

This whole 'reading together' plan that the Moose concocted seems like a recipe for disaster. Gary Smalley, marriage expert, doesn't sign off on the idea either. He just stares at her and dreams about space travel.

Bakker pinching Lori's knee to shut her up

Lori starts talking to Dr Applewhite a split-second after Jim starts talking to him as well. We all know who will win this race. Jim reaches in for a pinch on Lori's knee to get her attention. In slow-motion you can actually see his fingers come together for the pinch. For good measure, he raises his arm up and bumps her hand in case she doesn't register pain. Look at that, Jim wins again. If Jim were running a marathon, he would come up behind each runner and kick their heels to make them trip. If he were racing cars, he would slyly run the other guy off the road in order to eliminate the competition. Jim Bakker, saboteur.

I smell funnel cake in Zach's future

I'm really beginning to dislike Zach. He's adopted a pompous attitude after taking over Kevin's spot as resident fat man. As has been noted, when he announces himself he also thumbs his chest as if to say, "I'm Zach Drew, and you're not." Bakker goes to him mid-show to clarify the dates for a marriage conference, and there's Zach with that look on his face again. Hey Zach, I hope you like carnivals, because that's where you'll be barking out information after Jim cans you for the next fat kid that'll work for peanuts. Thankfully, Kevin is there to sell his cds and is occupying Zach's swivel chair. Zach is seated right next to Kevin, but his chair is non-swivel and looks uncomfortable. I'd love to see Kevin make a joke with his thumbs, "I'm Kevin Shorey, and this is Zach's chair that I'm sitting in." Then I wanna see Kevin ease up on one side and let one rip. Take that, Zach!

Smalley illustrates the size of Lori's brain

Jim and Lori enter into an extremely heavy sales pitch. Aside from books, Bakker's selling a Jack-Knife multi-tool, the lame ParaCord bracelet that Jim tells us is "for rescuing people", the cheap plastic squeeze flashlight, stainless steel water bottles, the list goes on and on. Dr Gary Smalley signs away what little remains of his integrity by getting in on the action, remarking that he uses the stainless steel water bottles on every trip he goes on. And do you buy them from Jim for double the price, Mr Smalley? Of course you don't, because you know it's a rip off. But you have no problem helping Jim sell them, as long as you can sell your book too. Get it while the gettin's good!

An inbred wearing a lovely mink hat

Big Kevin's up to bat. He's selling a Christmas cd with all the trimmings. Hits include:

-I Will Not Be Silent About That Silent Night
(instead I'll write a shitty song about it)

-Let's Put Christ Back Into Christmas
(my personal favorite)
-Jesus Is The Gift That Keeps On Forgiving
(Ain't that the truth, Jim?)

-My Gift Of Worship
(your gift of money)

-The Perfect Plan
(scare 'em, sell 'em, pay no taxes)

-Florida Christmas
(Beaches, Botox and Bimbos named Bakker)

Before singing, Kevin has to take care of inbred birthday duty. Elizabeth is our first inbred birthday, and she's wearing a beautiful white mink hat. Oh wait, no, that's a wig. She's given a pair of tickets to go see the one and only Jackoff Smirnoff.

Does this old bag know she has a raccoon on her head?

Next we have a couple inbreds who made the trip down from Canadia. For some reason, Jim is big with Canada's inbred population. Maybe they don't know about his prison days? It looks like a shaved raccoon has taken up residence on top of this woman's head. Her prize for having such bad hair is a couple tickets to go see Jackoff, live in concert. Does Smirnoff actually sell any tickets or are they all comps? I mean, the guy's act was only mildly popular twenty years ago...is he still getting mileage out of his tired old Commie jokes?

Kevin's suspenders hoist up his parachute pants

It's showtime for Kevin. I've never given it any thought, but I'm pretty sure Kevin wears suspenders. I see his pants and they're heavily bunched in the area that suspenders would latch on to. It also makes sense, since I don't imagine they make belts that large. What would that be, a 72" belt? His pants might actually be made of the same parachute material as Jim's ParaCord bracelets. Zach did tell us that the bracelet was rated for 360lbs, and that's Kevin at a guess.

Kevin, his parachute pants safely suspended, grunts out his song, then Jim and Lori fawn all over him afterwards. Jim exclaims, 'That should be a classic!" Something's up, they never give Kevin this much credit.

Shorey signed a record deal with Jim...bad move, Kevin.

Indeed, something is up. Bakker informs us that this is the first album on Bakker's new record label. Kevin, have you lost your friggin' mind? You of all people must know that Jim Bakker is going to positively rape you in that deal. Why would you enter a business relationship with Jim Bakker and give him the upper hand? The guy still owes the IRS millions of dollars for god's sake. Holy macaroni, this is not good. Did you at least run Jim's offer past Yakov first to see if he could match it?

"SCREEEEECH!"

The show devolves completely from this point on. I fast-forward as Jim rambles stupidly. I mute as Lori screetches out a cackling laugh. Moose spouts some words out of her blowhole as Mr Bland smiles and wonders what thin women are like. The fake Dr Gary Smalley stares up at the ceiling and gives his unqualified scientific insight into the difference between men and women's brains. People pay to listen to this guy?

Bakker spoon-feeds inbreds, wows them with fire - Part 1

The Morningside Strangler

The show begins with cymbals crashing and a wide shot of the Morningside Strangler choking his guitar. This new guitarist is named Joey, and as mentioned previously, he looks like a serial killer. The energy in the music tells me the money is flowing in and business has never been better at The Jim Bakker Show.

Bakker's been running a Lizard-thon all week with the reptilian Foodbucket King himself, Frank Davis. This guy is Jim's main source for foodbuckets, and while he may have decent motivations behind his choice to make a living selling us dehydrated space-food, I hear the Balance Scale of Morality clunking down heavily on the 'immoral' side every time he appears on the show. After all, he's on stage with Bakker while Jim is fake crying and making up phony baloney stories to scare people into buying his crap. Yet, Foodbucket Frank continues appearing to help Jim sell product. Dude, is being in the show really worth the cost of admission?

Reptilian Foodbucket King, Frank Davis

Each intro this week includes quick video of the Lori's House construction crew, as well as the overpriced tents and tarps pitched out on the grass of the 'valley' that Jim loves talking about so much. Does Jim know that you're not supposed to pitch tents in a valley due to the risk of flooding if it rains? And this is the guy we're supposed to trust when disaster strikes?

[Emergency Responder Jim Bakker] There's a fire in the building! Quick, everyone to the elevators!

Jim Bakker's shirt shows off his Man Boobs

Guard Pig Zach beckons us into Palace Bakker and we get our first view of the Frog King and his brainless, baby-less Queen. I'd usually make fun of Jim and Lori's clothes here, but it just occurred to me that they're kind of dressed like my wife and I. Bakker's shirt is similar to one that I wear, one that my wife bought for me in fact. The similarities end there of course, since I'm almost 30 years younger than Jim and my nipples don't get hard when I wear the shirt. Lori Rotten-Crotch is wearing a beige-toned suit jacket that makes her look like a real estate agent, eerily similar to my wife's occupation. Again though, there are no further similarities as my wife doesn't hold the Guinness Book Record for 'Most Abortions Attested To". Nor does she have fake tits.

Do these tents double as rafts when the valley floods?

Jim has multiple live fires burning on a large banquet table in front of him, so it looks like we'll have some show-and-tell this morning for the old bats in the crowd to chitter about when they go back to their stuffy Morningside condos. Jim begins the show by reminding us that we're living in the Last Days, which he calls "the most exciting days, if you're prepared." Jim's already greasing the skids for his foodbucket sales-pitch. Bakker tells us that God spoke to him the 'other night', then his forked-tongue gets tied when repeating the important words of the Almighty , "When you honor me by preparing and being ready for Revelation events, it honors me when..you honor me...by doing what I said." Is that verbatim, Jim? Bakker then tells us that God wants our obedience...which means that God wants us to obediently buy foodbuckets from Jim Bakker. You're such a weasel Jim.

Frank Davis, CEO of Food for Health

Bakker introduces Frank Davis by singing out his name. If you've never seen a Sleestak before (pronounced Slee-stak), you can finally tell people you have in Frank Davis. Sleestaks were the lizard-men from the 70s tv show "Land of the Lost", and they happen to look just like Foodbucket Frank. They also frequently possessed magic crystals, something that Jim Bakker will probably be selling soon. Come to think of it, the Land of the Lost is probably a better name for this zoo than Morningside.

Jim tosses up a slow soft one to Foodbucket Frank when he asks, "You believe something's coming don't you?" Frank knocks it outta the park with his reply, "I believe it with all my heart." Foodbucket Frank tells Jim that he's been preparing for over 40 years. So Frank, your 30-year shelf life food would be worthless after that time, right? Again, Bakker reminds us that God wants us to be obedient to Him. No, Jim, you want us to be obedient to you. I wonder if Jim Jones told his zombies that they needed to be obedient to God when convincing them to knock back a shot of Death-Flavored Kool-Aid?

The Bakker Serpent introduces a new product for people to waste their money on: Fire Buckets. Scoop out some stuff that looks like used cat litter, put a match to it, and it burns. For a man who is surely going to hell if there is one, the Fire Bucket is a perfect product choice. Jim says he found it at an Expo. And was that Expo in Hell, Mr Bakker?

Some waterhead mixed the shipping supplies with the food

Jim says he's gonna cook up a bunch of space food for the inbreds to eat. He shows us a bowl full of our first delicious course: freeze-dried string beans. These things look just like the styrofoam packing peanuts that you'd pour into a box to ship something bulky. Are you sure you didn't mix up the foodbucket shipping supplies with the food, Jim? Bakker tells us that these string beans last twenty years...is that before or after eating them? Something tells me that those twenty years will likely be spent in some inbred's gut while his body tries in vain to digest it. A thousand years from now, archaeologists will find undigested spacefood in graves all throughout the Ozarks and scratch their heads.

Prior to cooking, Jim has to rehydrate the string beans for a half hour. Just what we need during the Apocalypse, 30 minutes of stare time while we wait for our styrofoam string beans to absorb water. Just enough time to be eaten by a wild animal, or maybe have a band of marauders come and steal your fake food...then come back and dump it on top of your head when they taste it.

Jim's RV park. I expect a tumbleweed to blow past.

With all this talk about dehydrated food, I just realized that Foodbucket Frank looks like a dehydrated man. Does it also take a half hour of him soaking in water before he's ready to eat?

While juggling pots and space-food, Jim drops a quick reference to his new Christian Retreat Center, which is actually just an RV park and campground. We see a quick picture of it, and it's completely empty save for two RVs. The barren appearance reminds of the Bonneville Salt Flats...are one of these RV pilots gonna attempt a new land speed record? Attention Morningside Zombies: This is what Jim spends your money on.

Back to the food. Jim grabs a pot of rehydrated corn and gives us his low "Ohhhh" grunt as he grabs it. Lori gives us the same gross grunt as she calls it 'yummy', a word typically used by five-year olds. Hold on a second there, Frogman. Aren't you the one who told us that our corn supplies would run out in August...last August? And now you and your wife are giving us repulsive sex grunts about the 'yummy' corn that's somehow plentiful enough to waste on a television show audience?

Jim igniting rocket fuel

Kevin Van Kirk, Fruit Monkey-at-large, pipes up with some wisdom from his hallowed position way off to the right of the stage. He starts talking, then Jim shouts his name out in an interruption designed to tell the guy, 'I didn't introduce you yet pal...you talk when I say you talk.' The last time the Fruit Monkey was on to sell his book, Jim announced that he was taking all proceeds from Van Kirk's book for himself, which led to the Fruit Monkey baring his teeth at Jim. But he's back for more today, so Jim must have paid him something flat under the table to keep him on the hook. Or maybe Slick Jimmy really stiffed him the first time but promised him twice as much for the next appearance.

Jim pushes his Fire Bucket again, letting us know we can get it for $100 plus shipping. In less than 3 minutes I found it for $65 shipped. Thanks for letting us know how important they are though Jim, maybe I'll pick up two for the price you're charging me. Surely you have no problem with that since you only care about us being prepared, right?

"Wow I got this fire really going!"

Speaking of fire, Jim just scooped out some fiery-badness from his bucket and ignited it in one of his flimsy camping stoves. I think Jim might have scooped out too much because the stuff is taking off like jet fuel. As the fire grows, Jim hawks an overpriced Potato Bucket to us and shows us an close-up of what the dry spuds look like. In the foreground, we see flames rising upward. I think this is it: Jim's going to hell right before our eyes.

The camera pulls back as Jim fumbles around with his dehydrated potatoes and water. Frank Davis is watching Jim but then sneaks a peek at the growing conflagration in front of him. As much as I don't need a Fire Bucket, I can't deny that the sucker works. Jim places his pot of space potatoes on the fiery grill and remarks that he "got this fire really going". The famous last words of Jim Bakker.

Flames lick the side of Jim's pot

Lori has taken a half-step back from Jim's fire, but she has this dumb smile painted on her face while she stares at it. The flames are about 2 feet high now and show no indication of stopping anytime soon. If those flames lick into Lori's hair, she'll go up like a Roman Candle. Interestingly enough, Frank Davis has not stepped away. Like every good reptile, he's cold-blooded and enjoys the warmth.

The flames are almost totally obscuring the pot of potatoes now. Among the Morningside crowd, even the blindest of bats can see this sucker burning. Yet, Jim goes on as if nothing's happening. Now he's hawking his Jim Bakker 8 grain cereal. He shows us what his cereal looks like, and I swear it looks just like the stuff from the Fire Bucket. Perhaps he should rename it Jim Bakker 80-Octane Cereal?

Flames reflect off water pitcher; Jim's 80-Octane Cereal

The fire has reached almost 3 feet now, enough to ignite Jim's NOW hat if he leans in far enough. He finally acknowledges that the fire is big, but he can't stop himself from selling. He's noticeably wary of the flames as he reaches around them for a bowl of 20-year shelf life blueberries to add to his cereal, but once he's back into his sales-pitch he's oblivious to everything around him. He announces the blueberries in his sexy jazz voice and dumps them into his bowl of high-octane cereal. You can see flames reflected in the cereal bowl's finish.

Zach and Sasha are off to the side of the table, far away from Jim and even further away from the fire. Zach's holding his ground, but he's alternating between looking at the inferno and looking for help off-stage. He has an 'every man for himself' look on his face which tells me he's one loud noise away from spooking. If Mondo's switchblade accidentally falls from his pocket to the floor with a crash, Zach is busting out of there pronto. Meanwhile, Sasha is cowering away from the flames, this poor girl has no idea what to do. I'll tell you what to do Sasha: Get the hell outta Zach's way because when he bolts, you're getting trampled first.

Zach 's gonna bowl over poor Sasha

Kevin Van Kirk tries to take attention off the blaze by handing over a plate of his vegan sawdust cookies. Bakker, ever the salesman, tells us how delicious they're going to be. He elbows the fire-entranced Lori when she misses her queue to ask him 'How good are they?' For crying out loud Jim, you have a fire raging in front of you and you're still selling? Van Kirk's sawdust cookies get a close-up. They look like cow pies and probably taste like them too. Lori grabs the plate, turns her nose up at the cookies and immediately hands them over to Zach and Sasha to try. If this fire grows any larger it's gonna burn a hole right through that grill, through the table, and possibly through the earth to China. Yet Bakker's talking about cookies?

Hell's Flame reaching up towards Bakker

Ahh, the fire is finally burning itself out. The flames are losing intensity and everyone at the table breathes a sigh of relief. You can feel the mood shift. A now-very-warm Frank Davis cracks a joke and rasps out a reptilian laugh. Bakker's blackened pot of potatoes is still on the grill, and Bakker's still selling. He's on to his new dehydrated Blueberry Bucket. This thing costs one-hundred-and-fifty dollars. I felt the need to spell that out to illustrate just how much money Jim Bakker is asking for b-l-u-e-b-e-r-r-i-e-s. He tells us that he bought ten buckets for his own personal use. With whose money Jim? It can't be yours, because you claim to not have any money. Is it the money you take from your collection of inbred zombies? He tells us that no matter if an atomic bomb goes off, storms and earthquakes hit, or an asteroid strikes the earth, he'll still be eating his very own High Octane Cereal with SpaceBerries. Nice to see you have your priorities straight, Bakker.

'Better get used to those flames Jim'

Foodbucket Frank talks at length about how utterly perfect his space-food is. Earlier in the week, Jim had the nerve to compare this guy to Steve Jobs. Seriously, I'm not making this up. He told us that Steve Jobs had an amazing creative mind, and that "Frank Davis has a mind like that." On that episode, Jim told us that God spoke to him about Jobs' death and said it was prophetic. As Bakker relayed the important message that God gave to him, he forgot Jobs' first name. Jim fumbled around trying to remember, then had to turn to Zach, Lori and the gang for help. The instant Jim asked them "What's his first name?" he was met with a choral reply of "Steve". I expected Jim to snap his fingers trying to click the name into his mind, which he likely would have done if he didn't have people there to fill in the blanks of this important prophecy known only to Jim.

Jim Bakker preparing to lie about God speaking to him

If you think Bakker forgetting details of his own God-delivered prophecy is bad, wait till you hear the prophecy. Brace yourself. Jim told us that "The headline read, 'Jobs Died'." We don't know what headline he's talking about because he never explains the context, probably because no such headline existed. If I had to guess, I would say Jim was referring to make-believe newspaper headlines around the world. To illustrate, Jim added his own headline on top of a picture of the recently-deceased "Jobs" for his zombies to see and become brainwashed by. Then Bakker struck his most serious tone before telling us the important prophecy:

I'm not so sure that "Jobs" would approve of this

[Jim Bakker] "God said to me, "It's prophetic that he died. Because jobs...are dying...all over the world."

I almost couldn't believe he was saying it because it was so retarded. I knew deep down what he was gonna say, and at each pause I could hear the words before he spoke them...but I just couldn't imagine Jim Bakker could be so obnoxiously stupid with his fake prophecy. It's insulting. How can this guy publicly pretend that those words were delivered to him by God without being booed off-stage? And then, without skipping a beat, Jim the Sales Prophet goes right back to the foodbuckets. Unbelievable.

Click here for Part 2 of Jim Bakker spoon-feeds zombies, wows them with fire.

Bakker spoon-feeds inbreds, wows them with fire - Part 2

This is Part 2. Click here to return to Part 1 of Bakker spoon-feeds inbreds, wows them with fire.

Bakker hasn't been this focused on cooking since prison

Back to Foodbucket Frank and his miracle food. He's telling us how the shit is made while Sales Prophet Bakker seems to be on some sort of mission. Jim's appears very focused up there with his head down, shifting pots around and stirring them. This is probably how he looked while working in the prison kitchen to avoid being raped in his cell. Now all that prison training is paying off because Jim's really taking this food to task  He takes the pot of corn and tastes it, then interrupts Lori while she's talking to get her to taste it too. Lori gives the thumbs-up, which is all Jim needs to proceed with his mission. He says that he needs some spoons, then tells Sasha to follow him. Jim doesn't even wait for Sasha, he's off and walking before you can say 'Food Bucket'.

Bakker peeling around a corner with Sasha in chase

Jim approaches two elderly inbreds sitting up front at a table. He's got a mic in one hand and a pot of foodbucket slop in the other. He entertains these two morons with a couple questions that he'll never remember the answers to because he doesn't care, then Jim gets down to business. Like any good thief, slicky boy Bakker focuses on the little old lady because she's the easier mark. He's getting ready to feed her some corn when he tells her, "Now make-believe that twenty years from now..I hope you're still gonna be alive." She pauses for a moment, wondering to herself whether Jim just insulted her. He did, lady. Don't wonder, don't tell yourself that Jim would never do such a thing. He does it every day to people like you who pay him exorbitant prices for things they don't need. He tricks you into thinking you're doing it through some sort of divine directive, but the reality is that Jim never hears from God...he just wants your money.

Humanitarian Jim Bakker feeding the hungry

Jim Bakker preys on you, the little old lady with the false chompers, the old liver-spotted fart with a hearing aid and permanent smile, because you're too trusting. Focus, zombie. Engage what few brain cells remain and remember the times you've seen Jim Bakker cry...no tears, right? He is manipulating you, playing you like a fool so he can pick your pocket like a petty thief.


"Now make-believe that twenty years from now...I hope you're still gonna be alive." Jim may as well be telling her, "Imagine twenty years from now when you're dead." That's the cold hard truth zombie: You'll expire before that food Jim's selling expires. Isn't that reason enough not to buy it? Wake up, snap out of Bakker's spell, slug him right in the mouth and leave that place for good. Come on, you can do it!

'You hooked her Jim, now reel her in!'

It doesn't happen. The insult from Bakker that sparked life into her brain has disappeared, replaced by a new stronger spark: food. Food from Bakker, in fact. Jim takes a spoonful of corn and drives it in close to the woman's mouth. Like a baby, her mouth opens automatically as Bakker's spoon nears. I expect Jim to tell her, 'Here comes the chew-chew train!' before he drives it in. The woman's lower jaw extends forward to catch any corn that falls off the spoon while Jim simultaneously inserts the spoon and tilts the handle upwards to slide the corn down into this woman's gullet. Bakker asks her how it tastes. "It's delicious...it's just like fresh!" You got her Jim, now go bag another one!

"Blab Blab Blab Blab Blab"

Jim's stalking through the audience looking for another mark. He finds a girl named Amber Graham who is Lori's niece.

[Lori Bakker] "Hey, wanna come out to Morningside and be on tv?"
[Amber Graham] "Be on tv? Sure, but I don't have money for a plane ticket"
[Lori Bakker, snorting] "Haha, don't worry about that, I have a ministry expense account! We'll go to Florida this weekend too!"

[Amber Graham] "Okay...wow, tv sounds fun! Do I have to strip or anything? If so, I need to plan ahead."
[Lori Bakker] "No, you just have to let Jim spoon feed you. I know it sounds weird, but Jim thinks it'll sell more foodbuckets if we get these dumb-ass old people to say they like it on tv. Just make sure you clearly say that you like it, otherwise Jim's gonna be pissed."
[Amber Graham] "Okay, I'll do it as long as Philip Cameron isn't there this week. That guy creeps me out."
[Lori Bakker] "No no, Philip's back in Moldova. This week is Frank Davis. You'll like him, he's like a little pet lizard." 

Better swallow that gum Maxine, you're up next!

Amber Graham, expenses paid, is ready to eat. Since she has a semi-working brain though, Jim knows better than to just shove food in her mouth so he asks for permission first. "Can I feed you?" She replies, "Yes please." The mechanics work the same way. Jim drives the chew-chew train in, she opens her mouth, and Jim lifts the spoon to slide the corn down. She's still chewing when Jim's eyes bulge out of his head from the intense smell of money: There's Grandma Maxine! He quickly circles behind Lori's niece and sidles up right next to Grandma Moneybags. Here comes the chew-chew train Grannie, open wide! And down it goes, another one bites the dust. Lori's niece and Moneybags both declare it 'Better than fresh corn'. Chalk up another two in the bag.

'Them beans sure eat good Jim!'

Jim's leaving a trail of spoons at each table, but the one he fed Moneybags with went back into the pot. He takes a fresh spoon from Sasha and puts it in the pot too, but what's done is done. Grandma Maxine's spit, plus whatever else was living in her mouth, is now in the corn. I suppose they're all family anyways [being inbreds], but it's still gross.


Jim issues an open invitation to his collection of now-hungry zombies: "Anyone else want to try a bite while I'm out here in the audience?" Hands raise from at least three locations, Jim's really got them going now. How often does a brainless zombie get the chance to please their Lord by telling him on-camera that his corn is delicious? For a Bakkonite, it's the ultimate display of allegiance. Bakker may even talk to them for a hurried minute after the show ends.

This inbred was hypnotized by Jim's swirly snake eyes

Bakker approaches a male inbred who's ready to pledge his allegiance. Jim offers the spoon to this dummy, but the angle is awkward on the hand-off. Jim and the man both hold the spoon as it touches the man's lips, then the man gains control of the spoon and feeds himself. We see a closeup of this guy with spoon in mouth and eyes firmly locked on Jim. Bakker is like the snake Kaa from the Jungle Book: When impressionable people look into his sinister, swirling eyes, they become hypnotized by him. That's when Bakker strikes.

Jim says he's never fed people before and that today is a first. Oh, believe me Jim, you've been feeding people real good for years now...feeding us all a load of shit.

Jim Bakker's hypnotic eyes

Bakker returns to the cooking table for a pit stop. Frank Davis, the man Jim compared to Steve Jobs, continues telling us how he makes his space food while Jim adds salt and pepper to the styrofoam string beans. I guess Frank hasn't figured it out yet. Hey Frank, nobody cares how you make your space-food. The only person they're listening to is Jim, and if he says your crap is important, then they're buying it. All you need to do is continue giving Jim those volume discounts he likes and you'll continue raking in money hand-over-fist. Now sit there like a good lizard and enjoy the residual warmth left by Jim's fire. If you're lucky, an unsuspecting fly might buzz around near enough for you to capture, dehydrate, and eat.

Jim heading back out on Inbred Safari, armed with spoon

Pit stop complete, Jim's heading back out on inbred-safari with Sasha in tow. They're armed with spoons for protection from the hungry horde. I'm waiting to see one of these hungry animals snap their jaws at him. Yes, Bakker is their Lord and Saviour, but waft food in front of even the most docile creature's snout one too many times and they're eventually gonna strike out. And let me tell you, Jim's so close he can smell 'em.

[Jim Bakker] "Now Sasha, if one of these things shows any sign of aggression towards me, I want you to thwop 'em with a spoon."
[Sasha] "Thwop?"
[JB] "Yep, take a spoon and thwop 'em right on the snout. That'll back 'em off long enough for us to get back to the stage."

Jim now thinks better of feeding the dangerously-hungry inbreds, instead he's handing over the spoons and allowing them to feed themselves. Good thinking, Jim. If one of these critters bites you, you'll get the sickness.

Jim elbow-checked Lori early in the show

Bakker openly makes fun of one old feller when he asks, "Do you have teeth?" You're feeding them like babies, Jim...if you want to know if they have teeth, why not just open up their smelly little mouths and take a peek? These people are so enthralled with Jim Bakker, I'll bet they'd let him do it too.

[Jim Bakker] "Hi there Grandma Maxine, let's just open up that mouth and take a look inside for a second.
[Grandma Maxine, smiling coyly] "Okay Jim."
[Bakker cracks open Maxine's jaw.] "Oh my lamb, you have gold fillings! Are they really gold?"
[Maxine, tongue wagging and grunting] "Akk. Yakkk."
[Bakker lets Maxine's jaw snap shut] "We looove Grandma Maxine!!"

The Van Kirk Special: Cow Pies

Bakker hands out three spoonfuls of rehydrated string beans, the same beans which looked like packing peanuts before Bakker wasted 30 minutes of Apocalypse time soaking them in water. The inbred verdict is unanimous: "Incredible". Could it have been anything else?

Jim's had his fill of zombie-safari and has now returned to the safety of the stage. The smell of food has Zach all worked up for a taste and Bakker happily obliges. What Zach doesn't realize is that Jim's gonna charge him per scoop on the food. And in an interesting twist, what Jim doesn't realize is that Zach's not gonna like the beans. Zach chokes down a mouthful of space beans and declares them, "Pretty Good!"

Zach sealed his fate with his review: "Pretty Good!"

Uh-oh, Jim is not happy with that one. "Pretty Good? We don't use that word on my show." Jim also doesn't use words like honesty, integrity, or truth. If Jim were an honest man, pushing an honest product, 'Pretty Good' would be perfectly acceptable. And if Jim were simply a preacher, then 'disgusting', 'tastes like dirt', or 'oh my god give me a napkin to spit in' would all be fair assessments of the food he's pushing. But in Jim Bakker land, everything must be 'delicious'. Why? Because Jim is a salesman, pushing product out the door as fast as he can...important things like quality, taste, and even necessity are irrelevant.

"Pretty Good? We don't use that word on my show."

Oh man they're really making sure Zach knows what a boo-boo he made. Lori tells us that "These are young people who are not used to eating healthy." No Lori, these are young people who haven't yet polished their sales game like you and your snot-nosed twerp husband. These are the kids you've charged $8000 a semester to go to a bullshit school which is just a front for you to have interns running your show. And you're ruining them. You're teaching them nothing about gospel, nothing about preaching, and nothing about caring for others. And once they realize that you're prostituting them, they leave or are axed.

Jim Bakker insulting Zach from behind Lori

Now Jim gets in on the Zach action. He and Lori have turned square to Zach in order to better direct their verbal assault on him. Jim, standing like a little girl behind his mommy Lori, launches his volley: "This is called string beans. It's not a french fry. It's not a cheeseburger." Jim draws out the words to really rub it in. Jim Bakker is such a pathetic man. Here he is, this short, wrinkled little frog man, selling dehydrated food on tv. He's standing behind his airhead wife for protection, holding a pot and spoon while berating a fat-kid for not lying about the taste of the food he's selling. Hey Jim, do you remember about a half-hour ago when you almost burned the house down?

One Sales Prophet, Seven Foodbuckets, Zero Bibles.

Jim wraps up his correction of Zach, then sends him and Sasha out to the zombie section to dish out more space-beans. With the groundwork set, Jim's ready for his big bucket push. You name it and Jim has it in a bucket. Raspberries? Check. Apples? Check. They're all $100 or more per bucket, but Sales Prophet Jim will throw in an extra if you order two. Why would you do that Jim? If you're being honest with us, shouldn't they all be the same price?

For the remainder of the show, Bakker continues harping how delicious his food is. He shifts from bucket to bucket, meal to meal, each time taking a taste and declaring it 'amazing'. In one closeup shot of freeze-dried raspberries, we see the bowl resting atop Jim's opened Bible. Pastor Bakker likes to keep the important things within reach.

Jim Bakker is, as John Lennon sang, 'Crippled Inside'. He can hide behind his cheesy smile and he can get Lori all dolled up with him while they pretend to love Jesus, but he can't hide the fact that his whole show is a sales pitch, at least not to people with two eyes and a brain. He's an emotional cripple and a money addict. Jim got a taste of the big money years ago and was instantly hooked. He'll tell you any lie you want to hear to part you from your dollar, then he'll do it all over again tomorrow. It takes a pretty heartless creature to be able to do that to people, day in and day out. That creature is Jim Bakker.