Rabbi Cahn, plus win/win for Jim Bakker and Philip Cameron

Rabbi Jonathan Cahn needs to wear underwear on his face

It’s the first week of 2012, and it appears that Bakker and his co-conspirators have taken yet another undeserved vacation on the ministry’s dime. Good thing he pre-taped a bunch of episodes to babysit the diaper-wearing crowd while he’s away. Unfortunately for us, those episodes consist of a marathon ramble-session with the World’s Most Annoying Rabbi as he reads scary stories to us all for days on end. It’s mind-numbingly boring and makes me want to smash a giant Matzo cracker over his head and watch it shatter into a million unleavened pieces. More annoying than Rabbi Cahn's rambling is his beard, which looks like pubic hair growing out of his face. If he actually goes out in public sporting that thing, then I suggest he wear underwear on his face for decency because if I see him uncovered, I'm calling the cops. That sucker is obscene.

"Hmm, how can I work these donations for my own benefit?"

If I can stomach watching Rabbi Yawn over multiple days without running through my wall like a cartoon madman, then I’ll try and cover him at a later time. In the meantime, I decided to take a little internet jaunt over to Jim Bakker’s website to see what kind of shenanigans I could uncover. It didn’t take long.

Jim has an entry called ‘Win/Win for Moldova and Missouri’. I clicked it, I read it, I vomited. Papa Smurf tells a tall-tale full of deception that culminates with himself and Philip Cameron pocketing money meant for others. Let me explain.

This food will never reach Moldova.

A few months ago, Jim Bakker had a so-called ‘charity drive’ to raise money for food that would be sent to Cameron’s Moldovan Harem. Wait, let me correct myself. The food wouldn’t be sent to the Harem, it would be sent to Philip Cameron, who probably would have sold it on the Moldovan black market for a potato sack full of roofies. This all occurred on an episode I didn’t cover, but you may recall seeing images in the past few months of a bunch of Morningside dipshits laying hands on a huge block of dehydrated vegan food. This block of food was approximately the size of an RV, and according to Jim it amounted to 13,662 boxes worth of fake food spread out over 23 pallets. That’s a lot of food, and given Jim Bakker’s huge markups, that’s a lot of donated money.

Why is this man trusted with money or orphans?

Now, it’s important to note that the donated money did not actually buy this food. The food was donated by Food for Health’s Lizard-In-Chief, Frank Davis. According to Snake Bakker, the food was donated in an amount equal to the money raised through donations. So we have two things going on here. A boatload of money donated by Bakker’s loyal inbreds to buy food for Moldovan orphans, and an equivalent amount of food donated as a tax write-off by good ol’ Lizard Lips.

In the normal world outside of Morningside, when people give money to charity, they are usually met with matching gifts by companies. In other words, the money given by Bakker’s simpletons should have been converted to food, then Fly-Eatin’ Frank Davis would scurry in and match the purchased food with his own donated food. To explain it in Jim Bakker terms, it should have been a 2-for-1 offer.

Or, perhaps the donated food money would have been sent, in it's entirety, to Moldova...to actually buy food in Moldova for the orphans. There would be no need for Frank Davis to be involved, just raise the money, send it over, and all the kids get to eat while the Moldovan economy receives a boost from charitable Christian giving.

This isn’t what happened, and as you’ll see, the dirty hands of Bakker and Cameron seem to have worked this gimmick to their own benefit.

Foodbucket Frank donated 13,000 cases of food to Bakker

Reading further, we hear that Jim Bakker and Philip Cameron tried their best to get this dehydrated vegan quack food to Flip’s Moldova girls, but due to ‘issues with customs’ they could not ship it there. That’s a pretty lame story Jim. After all, isn’t Philip Cameron the guy who claimed months ago to hobnob with Moldovan government officials, going on tours of Moldovan wineries and making demands for his orphanage? Isn’t he the big shot in that little country, the sleazy Scottish pimp with the overflowing wallet that collects up orphaned girls and places them in brand new buildings for his own personal use? And he can’t accept shipment of food?

So now, according to Jim Bakker, the food cannot be shipped. Again I should make this clear: There are two large piles here: One pile of money, and one pile of food. Actually there is a third pile, the big pile of shit that is Jim Bakker and Philip Cameron mashed together, but I don’t want to confuse anyone so we’ll stick with the two.

Philip Cameron with his soon-to-be-hungry orphan girls

Given the so-called impossibility of shipping this food to Moldova, the Bearded Dragon decided that he would keep the food for himself. Yes you read that correctly, Bakker has now taken the donated food for his own use. He has decided to generate goodwill for himself in Blue Eye, MO, by providing food to anyone who has a need. A quick internet search shows that Blue Eye, MO has only 1,969 people living there, so I don’t see much need for thirteen-thousand cases of fake food. The Snake also plans to distribute it to his very own food pantry and into the surrounding communities. Will that plan work out as well as your plan to distribute food to Moldova, Jim? I think you’re full of crap, and I think your plan is and always was to distribute the food to yourself. That’s one plan that never seems to fail.

This dipshit willingly gave money to Jim Bakker

Oh, and the money donated by Morningside dimwits to send food to Philip Cameron’s Moldovan girls? Bakker has generously decided to send the funds that would have paid the shipping costs to the poor, starving Moldovan girls. Or put more correctly, he’s decided to give the ‘shipping cost’ money to Philip Cameron, who will do with it as he sees fit. "Pardon me ma'am, how do you say ‘hookers and cocaine’ in Moldovan"?

But wait, there’s more! I don’t recall how much Jim sells this PlantPure food for, but a quick internet search shows it priced at $25-$45 a case. If I take the middle price ($35), and multiply it by the amount of food that was donated to Jim (13,662), I get a whopping $478,170. This is the estimated amount of money that was donated to Jim, which was then matched in food by Food for Health. I’d love to know the real dollar amount, but since Jim Bakker doesn’t like transparency in his ministry and refuses to show his ‘ministry partners’ how much money flies in and out of that place, all we can do is guess.

Why not just run an orphanage in the US, Mr Cameron?

Considering that it costs less than $10,000 to ship a car to Europe, how much could it possibly cost to ship twenty-three measly pallets of food to Moldova? This is a very important question, because it determines how much money was left over from the chump change ‘shipping costs’ payment Jim Bakker sent overseas to Philip Cameron. Since Jim admittedly sent only an amount equal to the shipping cost, how much remained? And of what remained, where did it go? Did Jim need to pay off another church secretary?

Jim makes no mention at all of this glaring financial discrepancy. He makes it sound as if he gave away all the money to the orphans in Moldova, but we can see that this isn’t very likely to be true given the amount of money involved; it doesn't cost half a million dollars to ship a few pallets of food overseas. So the question becomes, where did this money go?

Care to answer that one, Pastor Jim?