Jim wearing galoshes, rummaging through peoples' personal stuff

Danger Bakker in rain boots

Bakker caps off the week with, what else? Disaster discussion. He opens the show wearing rain boots and reading from that dumb restaurant menu of his (it's actually a book). From there he goes back to Morningside to wrap things up. The layout back in Morningside has Jim and Mondo seated aside Lori, who is smack dab right in the middle of the frame. Jim welcomes Lori back, and Lori seems ecstatic to be back on tv. She seems oblivious to the fact that Jim has been visiting flood and tornado ravaged areas all week. She wears a bright and shiny 'hey look at me' smile for the cameras; to Lori, the recent flooding and tornadoes that Jim is so riled up about may as well have happened on the moon.

Danger Bakker has arrived

We see a lot of clips of Danger Bakker running around saving the world. There's Jim on a boat, there's Jim in the water, there's Jim entering a house with a dust mask on. To the elderly viewer it would appear that Jim can do just about anything he sets his mind to, except pay his taxes of course.

Jim and Mondo profiting off tragedy

We see Jim sticking his snout into other peoples' personal belongings. He's showing us some poor family's Christmas ornaments in a box. Then we see him and Mondo holding some kid's teddy bear. At one point as Jim and Mondo play off one another, the NOW News van is spotted in the background driving in. I assume it's coming back from a donuts-and-coffee run for Jim and Mondo, with Mondo footing the bill.

Would Joe Namath approve of this?

At one point Jim and Mondo obsess over the fact that one of Joe Namath's homes was hit by a tornado. I can't confirm that Joe Namath actually owned the home, I'm sure the man owns a lot of homes though so it's possible. They have this whole cute little discussion about Namath, and the show puts his picture up twice. After Jim's satisfied that he name-dropped Joe Namath enough, they move on. It was weird though.

All of this eventually culminates with a product pitch. Jim has the standard foodbucket, but now he's moving into hand sanitizer and pup tents to supplement the main product line. I don't think Bakker has any humanity whatsoever inside of him, he's just a warm-blooded ghoul looking for any low-cost product he can resell at a higher price. I imagine Jim must be positively gleeful whenever some newsworthy natural event occurs, as it represents an opportunity for him to move more product.

Jim tells us that God spoke to him and told him there would be more flooding around the world in June. I like his 'worldwide' disclaimer, giving him enough slither-room to take credit for just about any tragic event that happens in or around water next month. Jim mentioned that the word God gave to him was 'too morbid to say', and that people should pray for him (to ease his burden one would assume).

The show closes with Jim talking about an asteroid striking the earth. This is the second time I've heard him mention this over the past couple weeks. I think Jim is honestly hoping for an asteroid to strike the earth so he can sell more Seychelle filter straws and Iodide pills.

Jim wearing waders, being motored around on a boat

Bakker on location

Jim opens the show this morning with audio problems. I can hear his opening, “Welcome to our progrim [sic] today, we're so glad to have you watching.” After that the theme music drowns him out, though his voice does get through the din when he says something about 'revelation events'. My dvr can't even subtitle him, that's how poor the audio is.

Jim Bakker enjoying a boat ride

Jim is shown riding around in a boat through what looks like a bayou, though it's actually some flooded area. Bakker is wearing a life-vest in case he plunks himself overboard. He looks exceedingly comfortable as he takes his pleasure cruise.

The show takes a little break to hawk the Seychelle water filter bottles and the water filter straw. They repeat the clip of Jim and Bishop Ron Webb fake-drinking water from one of the filters (they perform a little water bottle switch-a-roo as mentioned here).

Jim ordering food from the bayou

The show returns and now Jim is actually overboard. Someone removed his life-vest for him, but now they've dressed him in waders and he's standing in the middle of a swamp holding what looks to be a large restaurant menu or yearbook. It turns out to be a book written by Charles Spurgeon that Jim is citing in order to confuse people into buying his crap.

Jim announces, from the river, that he's going to take a spot break and that people should order their 20-year shelf life foodbuckets. The show then returns to Morningside, where Jim and the gang are collected to make their pitch for those same foodbuckets. This is telling, as it shows that Jim is thinking about income and profit even while touring a floodzone and supposedly showing concern for those affected. The guy is soul-less.

Bakker cooking survival food on a bbq

At Morningside, the gang is cooking up foodbucket slop on a shiny new gas-powered barbecue. Convicted felon and Bakker Gangster Mondo de la Vega is on BBQ duty. On Jim's direction, Zach reads a list of powdery meals contained in each bucket. When Zach mentions Creamy Potato Soup, Jim growls out the statement, 'Oh it's one of my favorites'. Bakker couldn't sound any more disinterested as he says this. It happens again as Zach mentions the Italian Tomato Pasta; Jim gives an off-camera 'Ahh!' that sounds like this foodbucket slop is to die for. As Zach wraps up the meal list, Bakker is back on camera and straight into the pitch: “Yeah...now so when you order any of the food---” To be clear, that's a direct quote I'm using.

Zach dreaming of Wintercorn

While Jim rambles, Zach is daydreaming behind him. He's probably thinking about the red-headed Charlotte Wintercorn (another Master's Commission inbred), though I personally think he'll end up marrying Tristen Eschette since they're both bigger folk with the potential to get REALLY big.

Jim introduces an interesting new take on the foodbucket: Rice Buckets and Bean Buckets. He may as well call them Shit Buckets and Fart Buckets. Maybe next he'll be selling laxatives and Beano?

By the way, Jim is selling Rice Buckets for $100. You can buy the exact same Rice Bucket on Amazon for $64.95. Same thing for Bean Buckets, buy the exact same product for $88.79. Those are the shipped prices by the way. Jim charges you shipping on top of your love-gift, because Jim Bakker is a slimeball.

 

Jim loves Foodbucket Pyramids

Jim steps away from the shiny new bbq and over to an enormous Foodbucket Pyramid. The thing looks to be 12 feet tall at it's peak. Jim loves making pyramids out of foodbuckets, he's done it many times.

Near the end of the show, Bishop Ron Webb is shown handing over a $50,000 check from Jim Bakker to Pastor Tim Russell who represents Hope International. This Pastor Russell could be a great guy, but since he's palling around with Jim Bakker and accepting his dirty money, I'm gonna call the guy a turd. People with integrity would look at a check from Jim Bakker and decline it.

Kevin Shorey: Remembering Jim's Massive Minstrel

Kevin Shorey grinding down on a note

I think we can officially declare that Kevin Shorey is no longer announcing / singing / being the fat foil for The Jim Bakker Show. I’ve seen neither hide nor hair of Kevin for a couple months now and felt that something was amiss. The recent rumors of his departure after some petty Sunday morning argument with Jim now serve to confirm my fears.

I always liked Kevin Shorey. Of all the inbreds appearing on the show, Kevin seemed the most down-to-earth and likable. His songwriting was bad and his singing was just a hair better than mediocre, but he was always smiling and bright-faced.

Now don’t get me wrong. I can’t excuse him for being a Jim Bakker associate, however much he seemed like a good guy. Anyone appearing on The Jim Bakker Show lacks integrity, whether appearing as a regular or as a guest. But Kevin did add some genuine kindness to an otherwise sinister show.

Kevin on Trampoline

And let it be known that Jim and Lori were merciless on poor Kevin. Even plastic-man Dino Kartsonakis got in on the ribbing once, and it just plain wasn’t nice. It seemed that every show was designed to remind Kevin that a) He’s fat, and b) Jim is the boss. For God’s sake, Jim put the guy on a damn trampoline. There is no way Kevin wanted to do that, but he did it anyways, and he did it with a smile.

The following is a sampling of memories I have of Kevin Shorey over the years...If these were happier times I’d call it a Kevin Shorey Fatstravaganza, but as I’m saddened by his departure, I’ll just call it:

Kevin Shorey: Tears of a Gigantic Clown

• 2009: Dino gives Kevin a tour inside his Branson bakery, fools Kevin into eating paper
• 2009-2010: Kevin passes out birthday cakes to Jim’s harem of 80 year old Morningside residents
• 2010: Kevin cooks while wearing an enormous apron, eats foodbucket slop, declares it ‘delicious’
• 2010: The Coffin Show: Jim suddenly gets a bug up his ass about gluttony, starts the show with inbred pallbearers bringing in an empty, plus-sized coffin; Kevin sits quietly in his chair

I don’t know exactly what went down between Kevin and Jim, but here’s my guess:

“[Jim Bakker] Kevin, Lori just had some botox done and the ministry is short of cash. We’re gonna pay you this month in Foodbuckets.

[Kevin Shorey] But Jim, you paid me in Foodbuckets last month. I...I mean, I don’t even like the stuff. It’s vegetarian.

[Jim Bakker] Kevin, I’m the boss here and I’m telling you, we don’t have the money...it’s all in Lori’s face.

[Kevin Shorey] Well...can you at least give me some Lori Lockets instead?

[Zach, the fat Master’s Commission kid, walks by the conversation]

[Bakker] Hey Jack, you’re pretty heavy...can you sing?

[Zach] Haha Mr Bakker, no not really.

[Bakker] Kevin, you’re out. Jack, you’re in. See Jack, I told you the Master’s Commission would pay off!

[Zach] Haha, thanks Mr Bakker! Thanks Jesus!"

Or at least that’s how I imagine it all went down. Hopefully the truth will come out in time. For now, Kevin Shorey has lumbered on to graze on greener pastures. His departure remains cloaked in a huge shroud of mystery, and sadly we’ll never hear another mediocre song from him on The Jim Bakker Show. We'll miss you Kevin!

Jim in Memphis with fake Dr Larry Bates, fake-drinking dirty water

Don 'Magic' Juan..also a Bishop

The Jim Bakker Show begins this morning on the march, literally. The music which opens the show is a military marching beat, letting us know that Jim is on the move.

We open with Jim and Bishop Ron Webb (not to be confused with Bishop Don 'Magic' Juan...also a man of God). These men of Christ are at a Marriott hotel (I think in Memphis) to meet the fake doctor, Larry Bates. Bates claims to be a doctor, or rather Jim claims that he is a doctor. It is also claimed that Bates is a world-recognized expert on political systems and economics. I claim he is a big load of hot air and a con, and I am not the only one. See here for concerns about Bates ripping people off with silver and precious metals, or here for concerns about Larry Bates being a complete wacko.

The whole team is wearing press credentials, which is how Jim is able to weasel his way into off-limits areas. Jim is not riding in the NOW News van though. It appears that Bishop Ron Webb is escorting Jim in his own vehicle, probably with the A/C on full blast.

This Larry Bates turd must have really done a number on Jim, because Bakker is fawning all over him. At one point, Spanky Bates makes a joke, not even a funny one, that causes Jim to have a small conniption and nearly fall over the rail into the Mississippi River. Jim actually grabbed the rail to stabilize himself.

Fake Dr Larry Bates starts giving his 'expert' opinion about pretty much everything, it's so far-ranging that I'll just list it all quickly:

Great Flood of 1937
The Corps of Engineers
National Food Supply
Ethanol
Disaster Management
Seismology and Plate Tectonics
Sewer Systems
...and of course, The End Times

Big Fat Larry Bates

 Bates goes on to claim that 'corn will run out in August', citing expert sources outside of the government. Bates is a good con, he's unblinking and definitive when he tells you something. The guy apparently considers himself an expert on just about everything, but I guarantee the one thing he's not an expert on is proper diet and exercise. He's a pig, he's packed into an old blue shirt like a sausage and he has a belly which extends well below his belt-line. I dislike the guy more than Jim Bakker, and that's saying a lot.

Jim's grandson shows up on camera for a little story, he's 22 years old but he's about 5 feet tall. I think he drives the NOW News van, and I think he sits on phone books while he does it.

As the show continues, Jim makes the standard plea for people to 'be ready' and 'be prepared'. Today he's pushing water filtration bottles in addition to foodbuckets. During the plea, he refers to Jerry Crawford as 'Doctor', then catches himself and states 'I make everybody doctors'. Hey, why not? Jim also fake cries again.

This brings us to the most important part of the show, when Jim uses one of his Seychelle water bottles to fake drink from the Mississippi River.

Fill Bottle - Black tape over the label

Drink Bottle - Label clearly visible

Jim is out on some grass with Bishop Don 'Magic' Juan...err, Bishop Ron Webb. If you look closely...wait, you don't even have to look closely. Just look at the first bottle, there is black tape over the label. That's the 'fill bottle' that Jim dips into the river muck. The second image, the bottle is held in the same orientation, but the Seychelle label is clearly visible. That's the bottle Jim drinks from (he actually doesn't even drink, he just sucks air).

I mean, it's not even a little bit hidden. It's obvious that the first bottle is not the second bottle. Incredible.

Foodbucket Flashback: Jim Bakker fake cries, cuffs man behind neck

Bakker pouting

One of the funniest Jim Bakker shows ever witnessed, this October 2009 episode actually features two more of my upcoming Foodbucket Flashbacks (stay tuned for those). This was a prison retrospective show with Jim talking about his non-sexual prison experiences, and it's a flashback best understood through a series of pictures. For your enjoyment, I've created a Jim Bakker flipbook illustrating what went down that day.

Jim invites a friend on as a guest from his past (and no it's not Satan). The friend, Pastor Phil Shaw, used to visit Jim in prison or something. I don't remember exactly what he was doing for Jim but it was probably something like bringing him porno mags to pass the time. Anyways, Bakker starts pouting and fake crying in front of this guy, and at one point Bakker actually cuffs the guy behind the neck and pulls him in a little bit. The guy looked at Bakker like he was going to bitch slap him. Meanwhile, Jim has this stupid pouty-lipped look on his face but his eyes are as dry as the desert wind. I really had no idea what was going to happen here: was this Shaw guy going to pull away from Jim, was Bakker going to kiss him...all bets were off after that unwarranted intrusion into Shaw's personal space. Eventually Shaw conceded defeat to Jim, casting his eyes downward as if saddened by Jim's prison recollections and waiting Bakker out. Jim went on a little longer with the crying act, then finally released his death grip on the guy and things somewhat returned to normal.

Jim Bakker is truly unbelievable. Not only is the guy the biggest shyster on the planet, he's also the worst actor...yet people continue to send him money ---> lots and lots of money.

Jim Bakker on vacation again, replaying last week's episode

Hey Dino, have you had some work done?

Jim is replaying episodes from last week when the plastic surgery brothers were on (Dino and McSpadden). I took a good closeup photo of Dino's bad plastic surgery. I cropped the bottom portion that was advertising foodbuckets and potassium iodide pills for $3000. Does Dino have no shame?

Jim is running a graphic on-screen that informs us that he is 'on location' in some flood-ravaged locales. I think that's Bakker Show code for 'we're on vacation but we'll stop by a few flooded areas for photo ops'. I'm going to make a prediction here and say that Jim and Lori will have a couple foodbuckets with them and might even be passing out blueberry pancake mix and vegetarian cacciatore on camera to show what lifesavers those foodbuckets are.

Bakker states that corn will run out in August

Kevin Shorey missing again, they have the fat kid Zach taking his announcing spot. I heard Kevin was fired a few weeks ago but I still don't want to believe it. Shorey was fat and likable.

Bakker's hitting the foodbuckets pretty hard to start the week. Opening shot reveals a foodbucket pyramid on the set. He shows us various scary clips of the tsunami in Japan and talks about Noah preparing for the flood by building the Ark. He speaks via Skype to Frank Davis from Food for Health, who announces a slowdown in production of Jim's foodbuckets. More fear. Jim then brings in some slimy fella named Glenn Eshelman to advertise his cheesy-looking Sight & Sound Theatre show. Jim tells Eshelman, "You are the most amazing man I have ever met." The outside of the Sight & Sound Theatre is shown in photo, with an obvious photoshop of the sky performed. I understand why later in the episode, when Glenn tells us that his theatre is actually located in a cornfield.

Glenn Eshelman's stained jacket

The segment with Eshelman has some noticeable edits,the guy seems like a bit of a blabbermouth so they probably had to cut him off at points. He also has some sort of stain or makeup on the shoulder of the jacket he's wearing, which disappears later in the segment. Thank God for the Master's Commission payees, they're catching the important stuff.

In an interesting bit of co-promotion, Eshelman starts to play into Jim's food fear tactic by talking about the price of corn increasing to a point higher than he's ever seen before. Jim reads an article he supposedly pulled 'right off the press' from Bloomberg about corn prices, then Jim footnotes it with this strange statement:

"One of the top economists of the world told us on this program that by August there will be no corn in America."

I don't imagine one of the top economists 'of the world' would show up on the Jim Bakker show, but at least we won't have to wait long to watch this prediction completely flop.

Jim ends the show by picking up one of his Grab and Go bags and making a hard push for his foodbuckets, somehow working the antichrist and suicide bombers into his spiel. He references "Monster May" and "Major March", supposed visions he's had of terrible disasters which should be occurring in those months (he took credit a couple months ago for predicting the earthquake/tsunami in Japan).

Jim likes alliteration, but more than that he likes milking old people for money.

Plastic Surgery Pals on this week

The Brothers Plastic

Jim has plastic surgery pals Dino Kartsonakis and Gary McSpadden on this week.  The topic of discussion, of course, is the end of the world and how it pertains to overpriced foodbuckets being sold to Jim and Lori's viewers.

Dino, the effeminate piano player, is on the left. Mr McSpadden is on the right (my mom informs me that he's also a musician of some sort).  Dino's house was reportedly flooded out by the recent torrential rains hitting Missouri and surrounding states. I'm sure any foodbuckets Jim talked him into buying are probably floating down a street somewhere in Branson, their vacuum-sealed contents going uneaten.

Elven Jim Bakker

Brother Bakker is wearing a hat that gives him elf ears. The hat is an obnoxious red color that reads "NOW" on its cap...I believe there's a popular Christian clothing line called "NOW", but with a cross going through the O and with stylized letters.  Jim's hat is most assuredly not that from that line.  It looks like something he had made by the Korean tailor in Branson.

And if you don't think there's a Korean tailor in Branson, trust me...there is.

Jim Bakker back at it again, this time it's 'Morningside'

Jim Bakker, the huggable Pentecostal swindler who went to jail in the 80's for deceptively separating people from their money through PTL, is back on tv with his new church 'Morningside'.  Apparently I'm late to the party though: the Jim Bakker Show began first in January 2003, then metamorphosed into its most recent incarnation at Morningside in January 2008.

Count me a regular viewer, I can't get enough of Brother Jim. My wife calls it the Religious Home Shopping Network, with Jim and Lori hawking cheap, admittedly Chinese-made trinkets and other wares. Now it appears the lead-lined Chinese trinkets have been replaced by an even bigger money-maker: buckets of dehydrated food.

I'll try to update this blog regularly each week or so, whenever I get time to grab a cup of coffee and a vomit bag and tune in on my DVR. Truth-be-told, there is WAY too much stuff going on with Jim Bakker and his plastic wife Lori for me to catch it all, but I'll try. If you haven't watched, please tune in and see for yourself. You'll either thank me or thank Jesus for the spectacle.